March 13, 2011. Julie Taymor tells critics that the show is “nearly there,” but following the tragic death of Reeve Carney in a “freakish falling eighty feet incident” that previews will continue for another six months. Newspapers react with additional derision. Glenn Beck informs his audience that Taymor “made the right call.”
May 3, 2011. New Spider-Man actor Steve Zablawsky breaks both arms in the “jumping handstand” sequence invented by Taymor, who felt the second act “was missing something.” Glenn Beck tells his audience to invest in Spider-Man tickets.
August 8, 2011. Rumors fly that the show will become Spider-Girl when Taymor lets a female actor, Tracy Maclough, audition for the part of Spider-Man. Taymor denies these rumours, insisting that she is merely interested in what a woman might bring to the role of Spider-Man, and “exploring all her options.” She also points out that women are more flexible than men, which, following the tragic death of Steve Zablawsky, could be an asset to the show.
December 9, 2011. When asked about the ongoing fiasco of the show’s pre-production, Bono says “Spider-Man? I’ve never heard of Spider-Man. What does he do, then?” Bono gets violently angry when people suggest he is in any way involved with the show, that he knows who Spider-Man is, or that he was having an affair with the late Tracy Maclough. Glenn Beck devotes a week’s worth of episodes of his show to Bono’s connection to ACORN.
February 7, 2012. Taymor fires the entire cast and replaces them with midgets after Marvel decides to end their involvement with the show. Spider-Man is replaced with the character of Tiny-Man. The Green Goblin is now called the Short Goblin. The goddess Arachne remains the same, but is shorter. “We can get a lot more height on the aerial stunts because they’re lighter,” explains Taymor.
March 22, 2012. Julie Taymor-Beck tells critics that Tiny-Man: Step Up The Ladder is “in no way exploitative. We respect these actors, and the characters they play, for who they are” after critics suggest that the Cannon-O-Midgets sequence, where Tiny-Man fights the Short Goblin fifty feet above the stage to save the lives of dozens of fellow midgets, is completely and utterly tasteless. Glenn Beck explains how the Cannon-O-Midgets represents the failure of collectivism.
July 4, 2012. After a tragic exploding fireball kills forty actors and four members of the audience during the Cannon-O-Midgets sequence, production is halted on Tiny-Man: Step Up The Ladder. Glenn Beck suggests that liberal elites killed the show out of jealousy.
October 7, 2012. DC Comics announces it is buying all rights to Tiny-Man: Step Up The Ladder and will hire Taymor to repurpose it as a Batman musical entitled Batman: Turn In The Dark. Taymor later explains her vision to reinvent Batman as a gargoyle who listens to punk rock and who is desperately in love with Gwen Stacy. Glenn Beck says “this will make Batman accessible to millions of people.”
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I don’t think this new series of “I should Write Spiderman” is in the same league as “I should write the Legion” or “I should write Dr. Strange”
There is no art without sacrifice. Those actors will NEED to die for this to truly honour the dark gods that it was written to praise.
I’m lost on the connection between Glenn Beck and Julie Taymor here, so I feel like I’m missing at least part of the joke.
I’m falling about laughing!
http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/01/12/glenn-beck-weighs-in-on-spider-man/
I think the production should halt, and begain as a remake of Xanadu featuring Spiderman.
The new white “Fantasitc Foundation” costume would fit right in.
http://www.comicsalliance.com/2011/02/09/fantastic-four-FF-new-costumes-spider-man/
Y’know, Jim Steinman (BAT OUT OF HELL, STREETS OF FIRE, etc.) actually did work on a BATMAN musical: http://www.mediafire.com/?ownwwyyidjm
I’m on Team Zablawsky.
Don’t tease, John 2.0. *Everything* should start as a remake of Xanadu.
@Cookie: Even Starlight Express? That might violate some fundemental law of the Universe.
I would LOVE to see a Xanadu/Hedwig and the Angry Inch mash-up. It would win every Oscar for Costume Design forever.
I want to say “Glenn Beck, never change”, but in all actuality I want him to change.
I’m so conflicted.
Oh man. Glenn Beck might even be tolerable in Xanadu form.
By association, one can hope that there’s a future in which Beck, like a past generation’s doomed Broadway musical, is known only to readers of pop culture trivia books.
Yes, Glen Beck is the No No Nanette of the 21st century.