Tuesday is Juiceday

This week, we feature delicious papaya juice. Papaya juice is, like most sweet juices, considered to be an aphrodisiac in certain parts of the world. It’s also excellent for tenderizing meat as a marinade, and of course papaya juice is a source of not only vitamin C and E but also beta-carotene. However, the most noteworthy aspect of papaya juice is its usefulness in dispatching of one’s enemy.

Consider your enemy. Regardless of whatever form your enemy might take - sneering mastermind, plucky young rebel, devious femme fatale, superintelligent woolly mammoth, what have you - papaya juice offers one thousand and one ways to end their threat.

Consider:

- You offer your enemy a tall, refreshing glass of papaya juice. Papaya juice’s sweetness easily masks the flavour of the strychnine you have cunningly mixed into the juice.

- You offer your enemy a tall, refreshing glass of papaya juice. “Aha,” they say, “I know about that whole strychnine trick.” They sweep the glass aside dramatically to make his point, sending it scattering across the table to break on the floor. While their hand is relatively distant from their person, pull out your gun and shoot them.

- You offer your enemy a tall, refreshing glass of papaya juice. The sweetness overcomes them and they go from being a dangerous enemy to a fawning supplicant.

- You offer your enemy a tall, refreshing glass of papaya juice. Then, the hidden assassin you have hired, who was cruelly beaten by papaya farmers as a youth, has a flashback to a particularly severe beating, goes mad with rage, and attacks the hated papaya juice drinker.

- You offer your enemy a tall, refreshing glass of papaya juice. Then you point out that their entire species is extinct. The delicious drink combined with the crippling knowledge of their own mortality drives them into suicidal depression and they jump off a cliff. (WARNING: Only works on superintelligent woolly mammoths. Do not attempt this method on superintelligent dinosaurs, whose towering egotism leaves them typically immune to this tactic.)

- You offer your enemy a tall, refreshing glass of papaya juice. Then they offer you a tall, refreshing glass of papaya juice. This is known as a “papaya standoff,” and to win here you must, through sheer willpower, make sure that your opponent drinks their papaya juice first.

- You offer your enemy a tall, refreshing glass of papaya juice, being sure to serve it alongside a piece of ripe papaya. The inherent vaginal imagery requires them to seek therapy. While not a total victory, this method is certainly useful as a delaying tactic.

There are as many ways to dispatch your enemy with papaya juice as there are stars under the sky. Its sweet power is limited only by your imagination.