Also: It Has The East India Guy From “Pirates Of The Caribbean” As The Jailer

MOVIE: Elizabeth: The Golden Age
PLOT SUMMARY Finally, the story of the defeat of the Spanish Armada, put on film! Except much moreso
I UNDERSTAND THIS IS A SEQUEL Well, duh
MOVIE EQUALS Elizabeth times Braveheart
DIRECTED BY Shehkar Kapur
WHO LAST DIRECTED The Four Feathers
WAS THAT ANY GOOD? It was pretty decent, actually
STARRING Cate Blanchett as Queen Elizabeth, Clive Owen as Sir Walter Raleigh, Geoffrey Rush as Lord Walsingham, Abbie Cornish as lady-in-waiting ALSO named Elizabeth, Rhys Ifans as scheming Jesuit, and Samantha Morton as Mary, Queen of Scots
ARE THEY ANY GOOD? Generally speaking? Nope
HOW SO They mostly all shout their lines a lot (so we know the scenes are INTENSE), there are many Meaningful Stares that we know are Meaningful… really, it’s hammy costume-drama acting of the worst sort, and the scripting is so bad that major characters are frequently never even named (Rhys Ifans’ character is the worst example here, but there are others - check the post title for another one)
BEST PERFORMANCE Geoffrey Rush, because he has an Academy Award already and doesn’t need to shout lines now if he doesn’t feel like it, so he delivers a strong, nuanced performance as Walsingham
I’M GETTING THE FEELING YOU DIDN’T LIKE THIS It’s terrible; everything that was good about the end of the original Elizabeth amped up to eleven
…AND THAT’S BAD HOW? The deeply dramatic end of Elizabeth works because it’s counterbalanced by the nuance exhibited elsewhere throughout the film; in comparison, this movie is entirely loud dramatic shouted speeches and Shekhar Kapur “lookit this” shots and poetic visual allusions that go on and on and ON and ON and ON; this movie is all climax and no foreplay, if you appreciate a good sexual metaphor
…BUT THE DEFEAT OF THE SPANISH ARMADA…? Manages to actually be boring. Yes, one of the greatest naval battles in history, never before committed to film worth a damn, with the money and technology to back it up, and Shekhar Kapur totally botches it and makes it about as interesting as doing your taxes
COME ON, IT CAN’T - Hey, did you know that the defeat of the Armada serves as a good display of hubris and works as a storytelling tool for Man being humbled by God? Well, you will after you see this movie, because Shekhar Kapur beats you over the head with it for twenty goddamn minutes straight
AWARDS? Unfortunately, very likely, because Academy voters are idiots who think shouting is good acting
IF THIS MOVIE WERE AN ICE CREAM FLAVOR IT WOULD BE Pistachio fudge cluster
WORTH Pass