Meet Your American Gladiators

NAME Stealth
FAVORITE MOVE The quick counter-attack you never see coming
SLIGHTLY LESS FAVOURITE MOVE The slow counter-attack you totally see coming
FAVOURITE COLOUR Puce
HOW DID STEALTH BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, snapped and killed three opposing cheerleaders during tense playoff game; NBC, airing the game, thought she had “potential” and convinced families to drop charges

NAME Mayhem
RELIGIOUS BELIEFS Subfaction of Rastafarianism: “We smoke crystal meth for our rituals rather than pot. Keeps you active, you know what I’m – AGGGH GET THE SPIDERS OFF ME GET THEM OFF ME GET THEM OFF ME”
STEROIDS? No comment
FAVORITE EVENT Pyramid: “It represents Jah’s will for humanity to reach its own pinnacle, and AHHHH THE SPIDERS ARE BAAAAAACK AGH AGH AGH”
HOW DID MAYHEM BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Mayhem is the illegitimate son of famous contestant Wesley “Two Scoops” Berry, and from the age of six was determined to become an American Gladiator

NAME Venom
ACTUALLY POISONOUS? “No, and if that bitch Stealth said anything, you tell her I said she was a lesbo.”
FAVORITE EVENT “Whichever is the one where I have the gun and shoot people and don’t have to run around. It has a name, right?”
TEN-YEAR PLAN Rise to fame and fortune through American Gladiating while obtaining law degree, run for public office, pass environmental reform laws, marry, have three adorable children
HOW DID VENOM BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Father is executive director of NBC’s sports division

NAME Titan
FAVOURITE EVENT “Any time I can brutally injure an opponent, then celebrate his hardiness as he’s taken out on a stretcher and get the fans to cheer him? That’ll do. Doesn’t matter what event it is. It’s about the little things, you know?”
REJECTED GLADIATOR NAMES Supreme, Pride, Overman, Hitler
SECRET AMBITION A wild threeway with Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali
HOW DID TITAN BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Gladiated part-time at the amateur level in Japan for three years while working way through cooking school; turned pro this year when “discovered” by a NBC executive on a sushi tour

NAME Crush
PRIMARY INGREDIENT OF ALL CRUSH’S MAKEUP The blood of her enemies
PET PEEVE “Look, a sign saying “I have a crush on Crush,” that’s fine, I don’t have a problem with that. But I’m really sick of the guys bringing the signs that say “I want to assfuck Crush.” What the hell.”
HOURS SPENT TRAINING EVERY DAY More than you, probably
HOW DID CRUSH BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Majored in physical education at Wesleyan, wrote master’s thesis on the “Bronco gambit,” named after that American Gladiator’s unique Hang Tough strategem; passed up tenure in order to compete on show

NAME Justice
VIGILANTE BY NIGHT? Yes Definitely not
FITNESS TIP “Don’t be a disgusting fatty. Nobody will ever love you.”
HAIR NATURALLY POINTY? Yes
HOW DID JUSTICE BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Answered want-ad in the back of Gladius magazine

NAME Hellga
NAMES OF OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS Father Thaddieus; sister Clawdia; brother Mark (middle name: Fordeath), cousin-by-marriage Frank
BACKGROUND “Mutter not happy mit Hellga ven I beating up all children at school; Poppa train me, let me wrestle bears, ja? Is gut! Hellga liking zer bears!”
REASON HAIR NOT IN PIGTAILS She strangled an assistant director with them during the initial pilot shoot
HOW DID HELLGA BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? With a name like “Hellga,” how could she not become an American Gladiator, is the question

NAME Toa
ASPIRATION BEFORE BECOMING AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR Wanted to be a Bionicle
NUMBER OF TIMES HAS WATCHED THE MUMMY: 2,741
BLOOD OF ANCESTORS FLOWING THROUGH VEINS? Yes; also, steroids
HOW DID TOA BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Was poised to become a professional wrestler, but before signing contract with WWE, opted for career with slightly more dignity

NAME Fury
FAVORITE EVENT “Atlasphere, the one where you’re inside the giant hamster balls, and – what do you mean “that’s not on the show this year?” Oh, fucking…”
ATTITUDE Surprisingly calm and relaxed
FAVORITE MEAL A balanced selection of greens, fruit juice, and a mammoth rib-eye steak
HOW DID FURY BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Gladiated in high school in rural Ohio, got college scholarship, but blew out knee in first year; went into physical therapy and fought way back to semi-professional status, and was picked up by the show as a replacement for Slice when latter “fell prey to exhaustion”

NAME Militia
FULL NAME Thurgood Militia Franklin III
REJECTED TAGLINES FOR MILITIA PRIOR TO SETTLING ON “WELCOME TO THE GUN SHOW” “He’ll violently overthrow… you!“; “Protecting your Constitutional rights… whether you want him to or not!”; “Watch out, Oklahoma City!”
SECRET FEAR People making fun of his sash
HOW DID MILITIA BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Called up from the cast of Belgian Gladiators

NAME Siren
FAVORITE TYPE OF JUICE Orange
THE SIRENS OF ANCIENT GREEK MYTH LED SAILORS TO THEIR DOOM ON THE ROCKS THROUGH HYPNOTIC SONG. WILL SIREN DO THAT ON THE SHOW? “Uh… sure.”
HOBBIES Macrame, collects paintings of fuzzy kittens
HOW DID SIREN BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Played college Powerball for three years and was prepared to jump to the WPBA, but that league folded just before her draft season; cross-trained to become proficient in all gladiating activities and switched career tracks

NAME Wolf
INTERESTS “Chicks, chicks, chicks, and booze”
PROFESSIONAL GOALS To extend trademark “wolf howl” to six syllables in length
STEROIDS? “I will inject absolutely anything into my veins. An-y-thing.”
HOW DID WOLF BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Awoke in NBC Studios back alley, hung over and naked; found outfit, put it on, and “you know what they say… sometimes you find the job, sometimes the job finds you.”