“Hey, what would the Justice League be like if they were Nazis?” This is a question that has been posed to the comics reader again and again and again. Frankly by this point it is kind of boring. But luckily, here is one of the earlier iterations of the answer!
If Superman was a Nazi his name would be “Ubermensch,” because Nazis have no imagination and just like to translate very literally and not even come up with a new name. Plus they would be all “we invented the term anyways so screw you.” (But that’s Nazis for you.) Also, he would be bald, because nothing says “master race” like “male pattern baldness” with a side order of “shaving your head so you can pretend you are not going bald and that it is instead a personal choice, much as Moby or Bruce Willis does.” Nazis understand that we subconsciously link Bruce Willis with Superman (and Moby). They are using Nazi psychology to fuck with your head.
If Batman were a Nazi he would be “the Horned Owl” and his sidekick (because every alternate Batman needs an alternate Robin, regardless of how forced and ridiculous the Robin idea is once you remove it from its original context) would be named “Fledermaus.” The Nazis cleverly take the Batman-and-Robin concept and invert the species of the costumed archetypes! And they need no superpowers! Despite the Nazis being perfectly willing to give the other heroes they created superpowers, which kind of makes you wonder if Horned Owl pissed people off at the secret Nazi mad-scientists-making-supersoldiers base. “Fuck, Hans, that asshole Horned Owl won’t shut the fuck up about how he got tap water instead of spring water at lunch yesterday.” “What were we going to give him? Super-speed?” “Ja.” “Fuck it, let’s give him the kid sidekick and no powers, see how he likes that.”
If Wonder Woman were a Nazi she would be Gudra the Valkyrie, every bit as impressive as the Marvel Comics Valkyrie. Which is to say, not really that impressive. Admittedly, she has a spear that can kill people with a single touch. This is not as impressive as it sounds, though, considering most spears can kill you with a single touch anyway. You just need, you know, a bit of a firmer touch. However, unlike most of Axis Amerika, she did manage to kill an American superhero. Sure, it was just T.N.T., which is kind of like being the New York Yankees (if they were Nazis) and killing, I dunno, a Toledo Mud Hen. But nonetheless…
If Aquaman were a Nazi he would be Sea Wolf, who is a werewolf, because nothing says “Nazi Aquaman” like “werewolf.” Really, it is a testament to the importance of Aquaman in the enduring Justice League canon that in this Nazi version, his Nazi equivalent appears to be the result of a game of Mad Libs as played by Chris Sims. “Nazi… undersea… werewolf. Right! To the drawing board!” (Chris Sims has a drawing board, but you don’t want to know what he uses it for.) However, in fairness, Sea Wolf looks pretty badass, because he is a wolf-man and wolf-men look inherently bad-ass. So good for you, Sea Wolf! No, who am I kidding. You suck, Sea Wolf. Dogs are not inherently aquatic animals, no matter how much they might enjoy splashing on the shore, and the alternative is that rather than be a werewolf, you are some sort of, I dunno, were-seal. And come on. Were-seal? Really now.
If Green Arrow were a Nazi he would be Usil, the Italian super-arch… wait, seriously? Italian? Man, Green Arrow is even less important than Aquaman on the Nazi scale of importance. He was deemed so important that they felt willing to outsource his development to Italy, a nation with the following prominent superbeings: none of them. Even all the good Italian supervillains are from America, because all evil Italians in comics are Italian-American mobsters. Except Usil. Italy was probably so proud, with crusty old Italians in the streets and cafes saying things like “well, say what you will about Mussolini, but democracy never got us anybody wearing tights and fighting other people in tights!”
But let’s be honest: Usil will never be any good, because people’s tolerance for a concept as flagrantly silly as “superhero still stupid enough to use a bow in the modern era” extends to Green Arrow and Hawkeye and nobody else. (Yes, “nobody else” includes Roy Harper, who earns double scorn points for being briefly intelligent enough to pick up a goddamned gun and then put it down again so he could get into the Justice League and be violently outclassed by everybody. And have sex with Hawkgirl, which I suppose is actually a good enough reason to do it, although then again Roy Harper has never had any trouble getting laid with the women of the DC Universe.).)
Because even by the depreciated standards of World War II heroes and villains (where Mr. America was actually taken seriously as a going concept), these guys are pretty lame. I mean, come on. Sea Wolf.
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As a zoo keeper of birds, I can assure you that great horned owls do not strike terror into anybody’s heart, except maybe rabbits, skunks, and smaller owl species.
Funnily enough, I just picked up a run of Young All-Stars from a local collector, and have been working my way through them.
I remember an AD&D 2ª module called Caveat Emptor (DUNGEON #58) in which there were some wereseals. The spanish translation was “Hombre Lobo”, you know, for the lobos marinos (sea lions in english… all this seal thing is kinda confusing… didn’t that guy married Heidi Klum).
Anyway, when we fought the wereseal, the DM showed us a picture. And COME ON. It was an “Hombre Foca”. COME ON!!!
I think their idea for “Sea Wolf” had something to do with submarines (since Nazis were all about U-Boats, right?), though the Seawolf class subs were American.
They weren’t built until ’89. When was this group created?
I’m just imagining Sea Wolf chasing after a wounded Aquaman by doing the doggy paddle. That would easily be the worst chase scene ever.
Maybe they could have gone with a Creature From The Black Lagoon (although, Nazis didn’t really like black people)? Come to think of it, I read enough Harry Potter to know that werewolves are a notoriously under served class in Europe. If he wasn’t a Nazi, I’d feel really sorry for Sea Wolf.
I really do think that’s kinda unfair. I mean, Italy was home to DaVinci, Galileo, dozens of Popes, its got the old Roman Empire at its heart… you’d think there would be enough mojo in that place to give us SOMETHING.
Why don’t we have “Zombie Caeser Augustus” and his undead army of zombie robot centurians? Or some crazy art thief in the vein of Catwoman that uses souped-up DaVinci technology to rob European art exhibits and / or conduct international espionage?
Someone should get on that.
Werewolf = cool.
Wet dog = not so much.
46% implies that they are nearly half as awesome as Rex the Wonder Dog. Is that because they get a flying horse? Or because they genuinely thought that obviously costumed obviously Nazi superheroes could ever be involved in activities classified as “subversive” in America, and that’s kind of cute and naive for the Third Reich?
You’d think the Nazis would be way keen on outmoded hunting sports. And why don’t any of them have mopnocles?
Or even monocles?
It makes a perfect kind of sense if you’re enmeshed in the weirdness that is Roy Thomas and Earth-2. Thank God that doesn’t happen anymore.
Geez, how many groups of super-powered Nazis are there in the DCU?
Isn’t it bad enough the Ratzis had jet pack Hitler?
@Cookie McCool: Well – including the horse – It averages to about 6.5% per member, so at that point, Rex’s chew toys could smack around this rotation.
I do so!
He was originally going to be a were-killer whale, but they figured that might make people think they approved of mulattoes. Also, it was kind of a tongue twister, and as it turns out, whales aren’t so useful on land.
Thirty seconds of googling does confirm that the U-boat packs were called “wolf packs”, and that one of them was known as Seewolf, which is literally “sea wolf”. However, idiomatically, “Seewolf” is “catfish”, which just adds to the species dysphoria.
Interesting that they were willing to have an Italian member but not a Japanese one.
Not sure if she was part of the same team, but there was a Japanese villain — Tsunami, who was Japanese-American and turned pro-US when she started going out with Neptune Jones.
“Tell me of the waters of your homeworld, Usil.” “Vas is dis? A Seawolf groupie? Well, it has been a while….”
In the rankings of “evil doppleganger groups” the CSA would kick five kinds of evil crap out of these guys.
And according to Wikipedia, there was also:
Sumo the Samurai: A giant samurai and personal agent of Hirohito.
Tsunami: Japanese hydrokinetic. Later joins the Young All-Stars
Kamikaze: A living missile. Another representative of Imperial Japan
46% implies that they are nearly half as awesome as Rex the Wonder Dog
I think it’s a logarithmic scale…
I have to say, the DC revision of 52 universes reintroduced these losers (though now they are JLAxis, ORIGINAL!) and um… yeah, they still suck. Because a sucky Night Elf was able to beat them all very easily. Of course, everyone knows Night Elf > Nazi, so that shouldn’t be a surprise.
You mean, something like this?
The Tick’s erstz Batman was also called Die Fledermaus, fwiw.
to jump in on the Sea Wold/Aquaman thing: Isn’t Aquaman the only member of the JL that would seem to be MORE at home on a Nazi team? He’s a nordic superbeing who’s the absolute ruler of 3/4ths of the earth.
All that’s missing are OctoGobbels and Sharks wearing SS bands on their dorsal fins and the transformation is complete.
Hey…. They look kinda like…. the Avengers….. from Marvel… y’don’t suppose that could be deliberate, do you? [/facetious]
Hey…. They look kinda like…. the Avengers….. from Marvel…
The “real” backstory of these guys is that Roy Thomas wanted to “fill the gap” left by the series not being on Earth-2 anymore and the Golden Age Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, and Green Arrow not existing anymore. The new “Young All-Stars” and Axis Amerika were meant to fill the gap. (Though why, precisely, they had both Axis *and* Allied analogues when Earth-2 never had the former, I dunno.)
One thing I like about Axis Amerika is that Fledermaus is quite possibly the single most obnoxious costumed kid in comics history. Take young Dick Grayson at his already-kinda-obnoxious worst, then make him a Hitler Youth, and you get Fledermaus.
All that’s missing are OctoGobbels and Sharks wearing SS bands on their dorsal fins and the transformation is complete.”
I now want to read this comic.
Neptune Perkins, not Neptune Jones as above, was the Young All-Star who dated and later married (as established in Peter David’s Aquaman run, which also made him a Senator in the present day) Tsunami.
And Baron Blizkrieg. Because I chose to mention him.
There’s also the Nacht Und Nebel due of super nazi assassins, classily named after the order to disappear certain classes of people into “night and fog”. Might as well have created Auschwitzman.
Don’t forget Zyklon, the Nazi speedster.
And Zyklon B! His killer gas backup.
Pffft. Usil isn’t even green. And I note the Horned Owl and Fledermaus have rejected any kind of stealth-inspired color palette. I also automatically reject bald Ubermensch unless it gives Lex Luthor a chance to be some kind of DC Iron Man and, so redeeming himself, being granted him the miracle of his hair returning.
And re: WW2 Japanese villains, I think they would all pale against Sunfire of Marvel, who is actually a hero, but an antihero because he has a legitimate reason to be pissed. Nuclear fallout from the bombs dropped on Japan triggered his mutation prenatally, resulting in a re-enactment of the Japanese creation myth. I don’t know how/if this has been retconned to work with the current timeline, unless he has nuclear not-aging.
GREAT HORNED OWLS ARE THE SHIT