Miss Manners cannot help us now

ME: So get this – Steven Seagal is reading my blog.
FLAPJACKS: Steven Seagal, or some comedy nerd pretending to be Steven Seagal?
ME: I’m pretty sure it’s the real Steven Seagal.
FLAPJACKS: And he’s reading your blog.
ME: Yeah.
FLAPJACKS: No, he’s just following you on Twitter.
ME: Lots of people follow me on Twitter. A lot more, lately. There were a few people at first and now they’re coming regularly.
FLAPJACKS: Perhaps you have reached… twittical mass.
ME: Don’t do that. Don’t do wordplay with “tw” because it is Twitter. I hate that.
FLAPJACKS: Wordplay… or twordplay?
ME: Stop it.
FLAPJACKS: Anyhow, like I said, he’s just following you on Twitter.
ME: But I don’t have a fancy phone that can do Twitter things, so all I do with Twitter right now is points to updates on my blog. Therefore, Steven Seagal is reading my blog. QED.
FLAPJACKS: Perhaps he is only reading your blog titles. Did you ever think about that?
ME: No, because that would be retarded.
FLAPJACKS: Why on earth is he reading your blog?
ME: I think it’s because I’m awesome.
FLAPJACKS: Maybe this will lead to a trend of other C-list celebrities reading your blog. If Steven Seagal is reading your blog, how long until Kevin Pollak starts reading you? And once Kevin Pollak is reading you, it is only a matter of time before you have Claudia Christian, Kevin Sorbo or Mike Ditka. And from there, it is but a hop, skip and jump to the lofty peaks of Lorenzo Lamas.
ME: Are you seriously going to refer to Steven Seagal as “C-list”?
FLAPJACKS: The last thing I saw him in was that movie where he dies twenty minutes in and then Kurt Russell has to land the jet plane, so yes.
ME: I wasn’t trying to debate your definitions. I was pointing out that you just called Steven Seagal “C-list” and that he is going to read that you called him that.
FLAPJACKS: Say what now?
ME: This is gonna be a blog post.
FLAPJACKS: But you didn’t give me the hand signal!
ME: What hand signal?
FLAPJACKS: The hand signal that means “I am going to blog this conversation!” You didn’t warn me I was on the record!
ME: First, we don’t have any such hand signal. Second, I never warn you and you never complain.
FLAPJACKS: That was because until now you didn’t have anybody reading your stupid blog that could kill me by twitching his thumbs slightly! It’s all been various kinds of nerds! The type of nerds who breathe heavily when they get out of their motor scooters! Steven Seagal doesn’t have a motor scooter!
ME: Maybe he has one that he uses to kill people.
FLAPJACKS: That’s even worse! Now all I can think about is Steven Seagal coming after me with a motor scooter and death is in his eyes!
ME: Hey, Wikipedia says he has his own brand of knife.
FLAPJACKS: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!
ME: “The “Steven Seagal Edition” knives feature 4″ blades with his signature etched in, and no auto-assisted opening mechanism.” You know why there’s no auto-assisted opening mechanism? Because auto-assisted opening mechanisms are for pansy-men.
FLAPJACKS: Oh god he’s going to cut me up and eat me.
ME: He’s a vegetarian.
FLAPJACKS: He’s going to cut me up and feed me to some animal with a strictly carnivorous diet so as not to waste my flesh.
ME: Possibly.
FLAPJACKS: WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY “NO HE’S NOT GOING TO DO THAT”?
ME: Well, he wasn’t going to eat you, but I have to admit, chopping you up into food for endangered species is entirely possible.
FLAPJACKS: Oh god. Oh god. I need a plan.
ME: Sure, why not.
FLAPJACKS: Okay. Okay. He’s an aikido champion. Right?
ME: And?
FLAPJACKS: “Aikido is a defensive martial art which focuses on not harming one’s attacker.”
ME: So I am guessing that your plan, such as it is, is to not attack him and therefore he will not be able to use his aikido skills?
FLAPJACKS: No, because I’m certain he knows how to kick my ass through some other method. I plan to attack him constantly, so he will fall back upon the aikido at which he is most comfortable, and I will be safe because he will deflect me harmlessly! Eventually his rage will subside, I am sure.
ME: Unless he’s learned to modify his aikido to use with his particular brand of knife.
FLAPJACKS: You just have to ruin everything, don’t you?
ME: Hey, he has his own brand of energy drink! Maybe he will drown you in a tub of it.
FLAPJACKS: How would he do that?
ME: Well, you attack him, he uses his aikido tricks to throw you harmlessly wherever he feels like it, except the harmless throw lands you in a vat of Steven Seagal Lightning Bolt Energy Drink, and then he just has to kind of hold you underneath the surface one-handed until your pitiful struggle finally ceases.
FLAPJACKS: I hate you so much that it is like I am made of poison.

Top comment: He also follows LeVar Burton, so I wouldn’t get too excited. Well, he was Kunta Kinte, I guess. And Geordie LaForge. And Reading Rainbow Guy…

Never mind. You’re hot shit! – Bill Reed