Alright, so it’s Top 8 Week and instead of doing two pairs dances, the dancers are doing one pairs dance, one solo, and one group number. WTF, CTV?

Your guest judges are Sexy Rexy, Canada’s ballet heartthrob, and Sergio Trujillo, who is a Broadway choreographer from Toronto. Jean-Marc is growing out his hair and it’s still in an awkward phase.

Leah Miller Dress Report: it looks like one of those toilet paper dresses that women make at bachelorette parties or to enter Charmin crowd-sourcing contests. B-

Awkward Commercial Promotion Report: Thanks to Degree clinical-grade deodorant for profuse sweaters, a viewer will win an exotic vacation!

Mackenzie and Janick (hip hop): Great Luther Brown number; ten times more interesting than half the hip hop numbers on the American show, blah blah blah. Mackenzie and Janick definitely hit this, but I don’t think they sold the swagger that Luther wanted them to sell. Jean-Marc suggests that Luther should run in the Toronto mayoral race, which is an awkward thing to say but not the worst idea he’s ever had. The costumes reminded me of World of Goo, or maybe a sexy oil spill.

“You move so well, gosh!” says Leah Miller, who has presumably graduated from middle school.

Jeff’s Solo: the dancers are asked about their favourite thing about their hometown. Jeff says he loves the spontaneity of Alberta thunderstorms and dances to Radiohead with those lovely legs, so I’m sold.

Natalie’s Solo: Am I going to comment on all these solos? Oh, okay. Watching people dance to Alicia Keys is uncomfortable. It’s Natalie’s birthday, yaaaaaaaay.

Danielle and Denys (contemporary): Sabrina Matthews of the icky suicide-attempt dance from several weeks ago does “A Tribute to Our Fallen Soldiers.” It’s pretty okay. Sergio calls Denys, “a true little Baryshnikov,” which is a decent comparison. Denys is hands down the best dancer in this competition and I love him for it, but I don’t usually love-love him if you know what I’m saying. Nevertheless, he’s looking reeeeeeeeeal good in this hot Communist soldier, Joseph Fiennes in Enemy at the Gates-kinda way and it’s doing it for me.

If Denys is Baryshnikov/Joseph Fiennes, then Danielle is the Winona Ryder of dance. Like Winona Ryder, I can’t really picture spooky-sweet Danielle as a grieving soldier’s wife. If there were a God, he’d give me Reality Bites: The Musical. Or maybe Bram Stoker’s Dracula: The Musical. Denys could play Gary Oldman. That would be believable.

Amanda’s Solo: Amanda is from Mississauga. What is there to love about Mississauga? Amanda says the Port Credit Harbour. Good save, Legs McGee! Her solo is eclectic and fierce.

Sebastian’s Solo: Sebastian is a Toronto boy who loves diversity and dances to Stars’ “Your Ex-Lover is Dead” so I have to like him, but this solo is kind of a mess. Good musicality.

Group Number: a sexy pilot and flight attendant jazz number by Sean Cheeseman. I’m not into it. The guys are all over the place, but Denys is flawless. He is the Captain OF MY PANTS.

Amanda and Jeff (contemporary): Mandy Moore choreographs a piece about early-onset Alzheimers. Two contemporary tearjerkers in one night, eh? Looks like a Sabrina Matthews-Mandy Moore throwdown!

Amanda and Jeff both have the most incredible legs and this dance does everything to showcase them, so it’s beautiful. Jean-Marc cries for the second time this evening, but it seems more genuine than his tears for The Troops. Point goes to Mandy Moore.

Leah Miller says something like, “Gee golly, that dance there shore was purty, you guys!” and continues to be grating.

Denys’ Solo: My ladyboner diminishes as Denys dances his effeminate solo. He has suddenly transformed from Joseph Fiennes into Chris Kattan as Mango. And, of course, I love Mango, but for very different reasons.

Janick’s Solo: Jannick is from New Brunswick and likes nature and dancing good solos.

Sebastian and Natalie (cha cha cha): superfail for Sebastian, who is dancing through a hip injury and is wayyyy outside of his comfort zone. But man, does he ever try. Natalie is great, as usual, but has a very unmemorable personality, as usual.

Danielle’s Solo: Lovely solo.

Mackenzie’s Solo: Couldn’t care less about this guy.

Verdict? Sebastian is toast.

Amazingly, MGK has invited me back to blog the Top 14 episode of Season 3 of SYTYCDC while he’s off being a lawyer or liveblogging mayoral debates or whatever. To be perfectly honest with you, I also recently started a new job and am still getting used to the 9-5 workday (as opposed to waking up at 9:30, one benefit of grad school/unemployment) and I’m so tired that I’m mostly communicating in grunts and purrs. So bear with me.

Tonight is Top 14 night and your guest judges are Mia Michaels and Sean Cheeseman so you know there’s probably going to be some crying. Mia’s hairdo is fascinating; she looks like Iggy Koopa.

Tonight is also the night when the dancers switch partners, so they have to say something nice about the other person in the bio clip. You can really tell who is happy to be working with who. A few couples say stuff like, “I’m happy to be paired with so-and-so, because they seem like a hard worker and I like working hard!” which is a moot point because if you’re a good enough dancer to be on this show, you’re probably used to working your ass off.

Charlene and Mackenzie: Jive. That they managed to keep up with the jive’s speed was impressive, but their moves (esp. kicks) were sloppy and flailing. I thought their chemistry was awful; so much so that Mackenzie actually walked off stage into a pile of other girls at the end. Mia calls this dance “Near perfection,” but I call it, “Whatever.” But either way, I really like Charlene. I don’t think she has star quality but she’s a great dancer and very likable.

Amanda and Sebastian: Contemporary. OMG SO MANY LIMBS. I realize that Stacey Tookey was going for the Canadian equivalent of an Emmy with this “Grieving Parents Dance” but I totally hated it. Amanda and Sebastian did not hit a believable emotional tenor throughout this entire piece; it seemed way too happy! “Hooray, our child is dead! Join me in a ridiculous flailing of limbs!” But that aside, I like both of these dancers and their unique styles and can’t wait to see them in other dances together. And so do the judges, which is why they gave them absolutely no critique.

Claudia and Denys: Brazilian Samba, Capoeira Fusion. Gustavo Vargas, please continue to fuse Brazilian Samba and Capoiera! It was so kick ass. Denys’ performance in this number was one of the highlights of the season. He’s quickly becoming one of my favourites. Claudia was not remotely good in this, and all the sexyface in the world couldn’t save her. The judges tore her to shreds, except for Jean Marc who obviously has to represent for the Quebecois ballroom scene

Kloé and Shavar: Theatre. What can I say about this dance? I didn’t watch a second of it because I was so distracted by the bizarre costumes and sets that looked like they were right out of the movie From Hell. My boyfriend also pointed out the ridiculousness of a man wearing morning dress at night. Mia calls these two, “the weakest links in the competition”. I won’t be sad to see them go.

Janick and Jeff: Hip Hop. I was prepared for this to be really bad but Janick was convincing. No matter what Tre said, Jeff was not “swaggalicious” but he gave it a fine effort. Despite his “Wonderbread Face”, I really like Jeff. I fell in love with his legs during the audition episodes and they continue to keep me swooning. Clearly hip-hop is not his forte but I don’t really care yet.

Danielle and Edgar: Contemporary. Suicide-attempt dance! Was that supposed to be a NOOSE in the opening? This was terrible choreography, c/o Sabrina Matthews, but Danielle and Edgar danced the shit out of it anyway. I have high hopes for this partnership.

Natalie and Jonathan: Jazz. I was really reluctant to like this, but how could I resist? It was a bundle of joy! A delicious confection! Natalie and Jonathan’s chemistry and commitment to their characters in this cutesypoo routine totally sold it. Excellent choreo from Blake McGrath. Natalie was fantastic, Jonathan was good. Jean Marc gave Jonathan an ACTUAL critique and the audience booed him but I yayed him. Let’s have more of that.

How are my qualifications as a dance critic? Not great, actually. The MGK has watched every season of every regional variation on SYTYCD since its inception, whereas I have not. However, I have one thing working in my favour: a vag. I was subjected to the requisite six-year-old girl jazz classes, Strictly Ballroom is one of my all-time favourites, and I’m semi-immune to boobs ’cause I get to look at them every day. But I’m not going to pretend to be a technical expert.

Let’s do this anyway.

Okay, it’s the Top 18, Kevin and Bre left last week. Leah Miller is actually growing on me—she had some fairly quippy ad-libs tonight. They introduced some hilarious corporate sponsorship: the Cloverleaf Energy Room where live-audience members can dance and the footage gets posted online. And they’re all like, “Wooo, we’re having a canned tuna party up in this place!” With this and their “Rip-n-Ready” pouches , Cloverleaf is, like, the hippest canned tuna out there!!

Before the show gets underway, Tre gets really serious and says that someone has been criticizing Jean-Marc’s English, and challenges them to get up on stage and do his job in French. Who is she talking about? At first I’m like, “One of the dancers? Someone in the audience?” Someone in the media would make more sense. Anyone know anything about this?

Also, wardrobe check: Tre and Leah look like they went shopping together for the CTV staff Christmas party.

Allie and Danny: “New York-style” mambo. “I like my mambo like I like my cheesecake: New York-style”? Ehh, maybe not. Allie is dancing in a sparkly bikini (as they do in New York) but this mambo is PG13. Danny does some good mambo, but nobody really cares because the cute little ballerina danced the mambo in a bikini and was still cute. Allie has obviously got the technical skills; if she can keep the cute and work in a little spice, she will go far.

Vincent and Lisa: Hip Hop. They dress up as Raggedy Ann and Andy with a little “clowning” flavour and the result is NIGHTMARES FOREVER. Choreography is kind of balls, but their moves are very tight.

Arassay and Nico: Theatre. Dramatic routine about a girl who prays for her dark, sexy guardian angel. Pretty decent! Bonus points for some wierd Christian imagery, and super bonus points for Nico giving new meaning to girl boners. Nico is like the French Canadian King of Girl Boners with his smokin’ bod and mohawk thing and gorgeous accent and eyebrow ring and tattoos somewhere probably. And he’s looks like he’d be all like, “Hey, I’m just going to stay here in my industrial-garage-turned-loft in Montreal and pull an all-nighter editing my documentary with nothing to keep me company but a pack of smokes and some vegan chili—–oh, and then I’m going to go on TV and be an AMAZING DANCER.” Frig, I love Quebec. Quebec’s greatest provincial export is boners.

Francis and Natalli: Pasa Doble. A knockout performance by Natalli. Blake tells Natalie, “You’re making all the girls in this competition look like babies” (and he’s clearly talking about Allie). I am not so sold on Francis in this, because the Paso Doble is dependent on sheer fucking testosterone and he’s just not delivering it. They judges say he was channelling alpha male, but I don’t think they get to see much alpha male on this show.

Izaak and Kaitlyn: Dancehall. First dancehall evarrrrr! Whitest dancehall evarrrrrr! Izaac is sweet, because he’s such a virgin, but it’s killing his ability to perform a believable dancehall number. Kaitlyn did what she could. They dress up like  Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta in Grease as some kind of wierd uberwhiteness-meets-Jamaica cultural mashup, but its not adorable in a Cool Runnings sort of way. Again, the judges allude to Izaak needing to “be real” and again I have no idea what the hell that means.

Lara and Miles: Viennese Waltz. Where is the waltz? Waltz is abandoned for lots of spinning and another crowd-pleasing kiss. The judges say nothing bad and praise their unique “connection.” Who even cares that they barely danced, I actually love this pair. Not for the kissing, but for Miles (who is a popping instructor at Street Dance Academy in Toronto, by the way). On what he doesn’t like about Lara: “The worst thing about Lara is that she doesn’t like pie. If it’s in a crust, she doesn’t like it. I don’t get it.” Adorable.

Caroline and Jesse: Hip Hop. Do they consult about routines before the show? Here we have another hip hop number featuring retro toys: this time they’re toy soldiers. It’s pretty bad, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see Jesse go.

Tamina and Joey: Contemporary. EPIC FAIL!!!! Concept: prisoner in jail cell daydreams about his first love to the sound of “Crocodile Rock” by Elton John. The jugdes could barely keep a straight face. Luther said, “[I'm laughing] because it was the happiest jail dance I’ve ever seen in my entire life. And then it ended with a gunshot. So…” I think Jean-Marc said, “You were jumping on the beds, it looked like a sleepover!” The dancers both politely blamed the choreography, and when the camera panned to the choreographer he looked devastated. Then Tamina’s boob fell out of her top. If they get voted off tomorrow (very possible), this number will go down in history for the epic failness.

Dario and Romina: Jazz Pop. I love both of these dancers, but they’re so different and it’s hurting them. Romina, as usual, steals the show as she “dances for her life” but if you have the option of replaying this, watch it again and keep your eyes on Dario. It’s just beautiful. This is why the judges are fighting so hard to keep Dario on the show, but he can’t compete with the showiness of Romina. This couple will only excel once they’re been separated. I hope Dario can hang in there.

Nothing super standouty this week. Will Tamina and Joey sail home on the failboat?

I’ll let MGK make his predictions.

Ever since the current government made their staggering cuts to arts funding, Stephen Harper has claimed that the Conservatives spend more on the arts than the Liberals did. “Really?,” everyone asked. “Sure,” said Harper, “I even have my grade 9 in piano!”

The problem with making those kind of claims is that it’s really hard to know for sure. Thanks to a soon-to-be published report from the Canadian Conference of the Arts (and some excellent journalism by James Bradshaw at the Globe and Mail) we now know for sure that Stephen Harper is a big fat liar. About the funding, that is; I have heard nothing about his skill as a pianist.

Anyway, so the reason Harper is a liar is because he said that the Cons spent more on arts funding than the Libs. If he had said they spent more on culture funding than the Libs, he might have gotten a pass—though Bradshaw points out that the Cons are taking undue credit for a large boost to culture funding that occured in their first year in power, fiscally speaking.

“Culture” is the responsibility of the Department of Canadian Heritage. It includes things that you and I would consider to be arts (visual art, music, film, television, radio, dance, etc.) and some things that fall better into the vague category of culture (sports, national identity building, official language initiatives). The former category is called SO1 and the latter SO2.

The report shows that since 2006-07, funding for SO1 has fallen from $817-million to $759-million. However, funding for SO2 increased from $567.7-million in 2006-07 to $631.6-million in 2008-09. And that’s not even including the $45-million from the recently axed SO1 programs (see list here) that is being shifted to SO2 programs (like the Olympics). So there you have it: arts funding is not increasing under a Conservative government. It is decreasing dramatically.

“Such a revelation certainly hints at a targeted approach to arts cuts, which would contradict the government’s assertions that programs were axed based on simple efficiency reviews – and without ideological motivation,” says Bradshaw. Targeted indeed. The Cons have have been openly hostile toward the arts and artists, ever since they circulated a memo that denounced “wealthy celebrities”, “fringe arts groups” and “highly ideological individuals” with “agendas” who inflict “offensive material” on the decent Canadian public. In an open letter to the Prime Minister, playwright-director Wajdi Mouawad says that Harper has symbolically “declared war on the artists”:

Your silence and your actions make one fear the worst for, in the end, we are quite struck by the belief that this contempt, made eloquent by your budget cuts, is very real and that you feel nothing but disgust for these people, these artists, who spend their time by wasting it and in spending the good taxpayers money, he who, rather than doing uplifting work, can only toil.

And so the harsh charictarization of the arts by the Conservative government continues. It’s arts vs. culture; SO1 vs. SO2; lazy, condescending artists vs. salt-of-the-earth taxpayers; offensive material vs. uplifting material; city-dwellers vs. everyone else; shiraz vs. Lucky lager.

It’s obvious to anyone but the teetotallers that sometimes you like to throw back a cold one and sometimes you like to shop in the LCBO Vintages section. Too many cold ones makes you stupid, and too many bottles of Bordeaux make you broke. The important thing is finding a balance, and Stephen Harper wants to throw a kegger.

I am bad at metaphors.

X-posted to Say It With Pie.

Sigh.

X-posted to Say It With Pie.

If that’s not crazy already, get this: it’s being directed by Julie Taymor (The Lion King, Across the Universe, Titus) and scored by Bono and The Edge (U2, being self-righteous douchebags).

Producers are holding an open casting call for the roles of Peter Parker, Mary Jane, and a mysterious “Principal Woman”. The Principal Woman should be “female, 25-35 years old [with] amazing rock vocals. Think Sinead O’Connor with a Middle Eastern/Bulgarian/Greek twist. Foreign, world music types are great, foreign accents are great.”

Okay, Spidey fans: with this description in mind, who is the female villain in the Spider-Man musical? Discuss.

First, I’d like to confess that the idea of writing for a predominantly male readership freaks me out because I often talk about things like home decor, vaginas, and cute male celebrities and when posting on my own turf. Maybe we could come to an understanding: I will keep the vagina references to a minimum if you don’t insult my limited knowledge of the DC Universe. Deal?

Okay, deal. For the last few days, I’ve been trying to come up with a topic of discussion that would interest us both and it’s been really stressing me out. I decided to take a nap to clear my head. Now, I know a bit about psychoanalysis but there are some aspects of the subconscious that leave my perplexed. Like why did I suddenly have a dream about The Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog after not watching the show for 10 years and never really being a fan of it in the first place? Wait a second…

Obscure action-fantasy television show from the 90′s? Check. Superheros that control the elements? Check. Characters and plot loosely based in mythology? Check. People running around with swords and crossbows? Check. Let’s do this.

It was 1998. Haim Saban and Shuki Levy were enjoying the success of Saban Entertainment, then one of the premiere independent television production companies specializing in childrens programming. With hits like Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, VR Troopers, and Big Bad Beetleborgs, Saban and Levy had the world at their fingertips.

“What next?” Levy asked Saban one night at his Beverly Hills mansion.

“I know just the thing,” Saban laughed, swirling a snifter of L’Esprit de Courvoisier, “Think Power Rangers meets Enya.”

“Solid. Fucking. Gold,” replied Levy.

And so the Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog was born. Set in a mythical Celtic otherworld, MKoTNN capitalized on the tail end of America’s pop cultural romance with all things Irish (God, I miss Claddagh rings). It was the only tokusatsu-style show in Saban’s roster to film its own fight scenes instead of cutting them directly from Japanese tokusatsu ala. Power Rangers.

Plot: a ragtag band of heroes―Rohan the druid-in-training, Angus the thief, Prince Ivor the token ethnic guy, and Princess Dierdre the wet blanket in a mini skirt―are charged with protecting the Kingdom of Kells against the evil Queen Maeve and her army of monsters. Luckily, the Mystic Knights have the power of the elements on their side and are able to call upon air, water, fire and earth―oh, and sometimes dragons―to get them out of a jam. They’re also trying to find a legendary hero, Draganta, who we eventually discover is one of their ranks.

Anyone familiar with MKoTNN can tell you it was not a good show, so why am I talking about it? Well, for one thing, it’s deliciously bad and can be found on YouTube. But MKoTNN represents the culmination of live-action tokusatsu-style programming from Saban Entertainment that was ever present in the afterschool television schedule of the mid-to-late 1990′s. The genre would die out with MKoTNN.

What became of the live-action tokusatsu-style fantasy series? Well, North America certainly lost interest, but so did Haim Saban. Saban Entertainment had merged with Rupert Murdoch’s Fox Kids Network in 1995 and in 1997 formed Fox Family Worldwide. This restructuring put Saban’s shows into 81 million homes. The Mystic Knights were an experiment in giving live-action tokusatsu a higher budget and a larger audience―and the experiment was a failure. MKoTNN was canceled after 38 lackluster episodes.

In 2001, Saban and Murdoch sold Fox Family Worldwide to Disney, a transaction that propelled Saban into the Forbes 400. Soon after, he formed Saban Capital Group and now spends his days buying foreign media conglomerates, spending millions on his Zionist political agenda, and dreaming of poorly-dubbed ninjas in colourful body armour.

And that, boys and girls (Hi Wendy), is how the man behind the Power Rangers and Samurai Pizza Cats became the 102nd richest person in America. So the next time your friends say that your lifelong dream of writing a tv pilot about kung-fu centaurs is futile, tell them to go suck on a Megazord.