And, as always, if you do not celebrate No Doubtmas:

I mean, seriously? Fun-sized lollipops? These things looked like little candy pellets on tiny sticks. These would not even take one lick to get to the centre. It would have been cute if it wasn’t so clearly a total destruction of my youth, which was far more awesome than any present childhood because the damn Tootsie Roll Pops were at least the right size.

Apropos of nothing, here is a Halloweeny video for everybody: the Pet Shop Boys with “Heart,” which has a Dracula in it. And get this: the Dracula is actually Ian McKellen, which I only learned very recently, and which explains why this Dracula is such a swinging dancer.

See? Not bad at all, really.

But this is the same song as re-envisioned by Remix Artist Collective:

RAC turn the song into a nu-century riff on early 80s New Wave in a lot of ways – the Tron-like keytar riff omnipresent through the song gives it a harder edge, for example. And the upped tempo of the backing music against the unchanged vocals makes the song more dramatic. I know that judgements about musical quality are so often subjective, but my subjective judgement here is that the remix is quite simply a pure upgrade to the original, a case of a B-grade song becoming an A, and remixes are rarely, to my eye, so unambigiously better than their original material.

What are you listening to lately? Youtube link in the comments if possible.

Kenya. Sounds like the soundtrack to the most awesome mid-60s nature documentary ever, and specifically the track for the part where the elephants majestically stride across the savannah. This is good, because elephants are awesome and anything one associates with elephants becomes that much better as a result. 84

Kiribati. Generic Anglo-ish castoff, which is not unsuitable for a country which gets its name from the local dialect version of the name the English people gave it when they “discovered” it. 34

North Korea. Look, you knew going in this was going to sound like a song extolling the virtues of a beloved dictator, and if you’re surprised it’s really only your own damn fault, but what’s depressing is how damn sedate this anthem is. Where are the death lasers? I was promised death lasers! 44

South Korea. Fun trivia: this anthem was originally sung to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne.” It may well be horribly ethnocentric to say this, but I think that would have been better than this. 52

Kuwait. Unreasonably cheerful. Kuwait is a tiny little chunk of desert in the middle of the world constantly beset by war. Their anthem should not be so damned perky, you know? I mean, some countries can get away with sentimental, maudlin anthems. It feels like Kuwait missed a golden opportunity here. 37

Kyrgyzstan. Like Kuwait, has a national anthem which is simply named “National Anthem,” which is another reason I marked Kuwait so low. (Come on, Kuwait! Quit slacking!) But Kyrgyzstan’s anthem sounds like some awesome quest music set in an fantasy world, and Kuwait’s doesn’t. That is why this anthem owns. Now, if only it had a title… 76

Laos. Yet another anthem with no title other than “National Anthem” (man, what is up with that?), but this one sounds like some awesome Martian version of Bonanza so we can forgive it. 86

Latvia. You know that scene in Amadeus where King Jeffrey Jones says “there are too many notes” to Mozart? Somebody said “you know what would be great? If my nine-year-old kid and his beginning music class could play this” to the composer of Latvia’s national anthem. 15

Lebanon. Yet another anthem merely titled “National Anthem,” which is starting to get worrisome. This one sounds kind like of the one you might have sung at summer camp. The really good summer camp, mind you, rather than the summer camp where you made up lyrics to make fun of your counselors and maybe also include Batman in there somewhere. 55

Lesotho. Nothing particularly inspired about this anthem, but it is short and sweet, much like Lesotho itself, and gets nothing wrong, and that is admirable. 70

Liberia. Although the blending of African-style call and response with Western-style anthemic composition is a nice idea, the problem is that this anthem was written in English and therefore does not get the “translation excuse” for its terrible, terrible lyrics. “With heart and hand our country’s cause defending / We’ll meet the foe with valour unpretending” just makes you think the composer got really desperate towards the end. 46

Libya. I know I’m supposed to be reviewing Libya’s anthem here, but what really gets me is that every single comment on every single one of the Libyan anthem clips on Youtube is about how Libya’s all-green flag is silly (or occasionally “no, fuck you, we’re awesome and so is our green flag”). The Libyan flag is the Godwin of all discussion about Libya. I’m pretty sure if you watched enough newscasts back during the Lockerbie bombing, sooner or later one of the newscasters would point out that Libya’s flag is just all-green. Anyway, this anthem feels like taking a bunch of anthems and sewing the openings of all them together into a Frankenstein’s Overture. Which would probably be dressed in green. 28

Liechtenstein. Is, no kidding, just “God Save The Queen” with new lyrics. You kind of have to admire Liechtenstein’s balls. I mean, it’s a little snippet of a country that only exists because people need somewhere slightly less scrupulous than Switzerland to bank and it’s closer to Paris than the Cayman Islands are, and they just got up and ripped off “God Save The Queen.” Honestly, I’m impressed. 75

Lithuania. I always wondered why, once he revealed that he was not a horrible Commie Soviet but instead a heroic Lithuanian underdog, Nikolai Volkoff did not sing this when he came down to ringside. Instead, he waved an American flag and sang “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Which is a shame, because the Lithuanian anthem is honestly quite pretty. 80

Luxembourg. Luxembourg has had a lot of experience being a dinky little country surrounded by much bigger countries, so it knows how to have an anthem when you are that sort of country: start small and pleasant so nobody thinks you’re putting on airs, but end with a flourish so they know that despite your size you still have heart. That’s how to be small with style. 87

Sid Meier’s Civilization: The Board Game. Out of all the new boardgames I played in 2010, this was my favorite: a three-hour brainburner that genuinely captures the feel of playing a marathon game of Civ on your computer, except there’s no computer and you get the fun of playing against three other opponents face-to-face. Multiple victory conditions, variant civilization rules, tech advancement for strategic purpose – everything you would expect out of a game of Civ is here, and produced with screamingly awesome quality.

The first and third episodes of Sherlock. I can’t in good conscience give the whole series a total endorsement because the second episode, “The Blind Banker,” is just not in the league of the other two; cheap Orientalism plus a less-than-compelling mystery make for teevee that is only passably entertaining at most. But the first and third episodes are fantastic stuff – the best visual description of texting yet put to screen, genuinely inventive and fun mysteries, brilliant renditions of the Holmes thought process and of course Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman’s superb Holmes and Watson turn what could have been a goofy lark into some of the best long-form telly of the year.

ArchAndroid by Janelle Monae. Any year Janelle Monae drops a new album it will make this list.

Beasts of Burden by Evan Dorkin and Jill Thompson. As I get older, and to an extent more productive, the “I wish I had written that” feeling occurs less and less often – that sheer burst of envy you feel when somebody writes something that is so fucking good that is, in retrospect, such an obvious idea that it should have occurred to you years ago, but it didn’t. Beasts of Burden is the only comic all year that made me feel that way: gorgeous, intelligent, crucially not overwritten or overexplained (which would have just ruined it) and mostly just vital. A cat clawing a demon in the eyes felt more urgent than any superhero comic all year long, which says something about superhero comics.

Community. The second half of season one and the first half of season two combine for one of the most virtuosic meta-seasons of any show ever. Community is brilliant not because of the thematic parodies it does (in episodes like “Contemporary American Poultry,” “Epidemiology,” “Conspiracy Theories and Interior Design,” and above all “Modern Warfare”), although those are brilliant. No, Community is brilliant because of its exacting attention to detail in crafting its stories: no show is as efficient at using every single inch of screen real estate and every second of running time to cram in as much story as possible. Think Abed’s blink-and-you’ll-miss-it subplot in “The Psychology of Letting Go,” or the fact that the show actually gives away the ending of “Cooperative Calligraphy” in the first two minutes in a way that nobody watching will notice the first time through, or the numerous references to the fact that Jeff and Britta keep hooking up on the sly without ever actually bothering to address it in a main plotline (until they do, of course) – but then bear in mind that all of this detail and craft is simultaneously used to further develop and strengthen all of the show’s cast and drop as many gags as humanly possible.

Animal Kingdom. The best crime movie in years. Animal Kingdom features a teenaged protagonist actually acting like a real teenager (sullen and moody), some of the most vivid and genuinely evil characters to come along in a very long time (when one character matter-of-factly explains what is to be done about another – you’ll know it when you see it – it’s just a tour-de-force of the filmmakers daring you to believe that this isn’t happening when it is), and a plot that surprises out of old-school Hitchcockian tension rather than boring old shock value. Staggeringly good movie.

Matt Smith as the Doctor. Because he’s really, really good at it.

Best wishes to all, and I’ll be back to posting when I am done opening my presents.

And for those who are going to complain about Gwen Stefani, well, here:

Note: lyrics that are about more than just a general description of the ostensible topic, general aura of professionalism, musical skill.

Easily my favorite Jamiroquai song, and really the only time I can think of where they strived to be epic.

AFGHAN WHIGS: Potential terrorists

XTC: Promotes drug use

VIOLENT FEMMES: Encourages ladies to engage in unladylike behaviour

GORILLAZ: May actually be gorillas

BAD RELIGION: Religion should not be considered “bad” unless it is Islam maybe, or one of the weird Asian ones where they ring chimes and stuff

ANTHRAX: Potential terrorists

MANIC STREET PREACHERS: Disrespectful to evangelical Christianity. Street preachers are only very rarely manic

INXS: Excess = gluttony = deadly sin

PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: Not actually presidents

JESUS JONES: “Jesus” only permittable for personal names when pronounced “Hay-Zeus”

BLACK SABBATH: Actually this one is okay because nobody wants to look racist

CHICAGO: Possible Barack Obama connections

A TRIBE CALLED QUEST: The Bible doesn’t list “Quest” as one of the twelve tribes

NOFX: It seems like they’re trying to get people to say the F-word by accident and that’s not nice

THE FUGEES: Potential illegal immigrants

KANYE WEST: We’re still pissed off about that whole Taylor Swift thing

(context)

I’d love to hear your thoughts on assorted nerd musicians, who you think works, who doesn’t, and perhaps why.

This is big in my mind at the moment because I stumbled over Kirby Krackle earlier this week completely by accident, and they are consuming my headspace in way that hasn’t happened since I found They Might Be Giants in the early 90′s.

Wow, I am so not the person to ask about this. I just went through my Zune (yes I own a Zune shut up) and found songs that could be classified as official nerd subgenre (as opposed to music nerds like but isn’t definitively nerdy, like They Might Be Giants): one MC Chris, one Optimus Rhyme, one Lemon Demon, one Ookla the Mok. I have about twelve hundred songs on that thing, so that’s .3 percent of my portablized music.

This is not due to lack of exposure, either. People send me links to nerd music all the time; nerds self-promoting, nerds promoting their friends, nerds sharing whatever nerd thing they found this week they think is awesome. (I just checked my email right now and I have an email from Kirby Krackle circa March of ’09 saying they liked a post and I should check them out, et cetera.) I usually give anything that gets sent to me at least a single once-over if it doesn’t look like spam.¹ I’ve got a pretty wide range of exposure to nerd music, and my honest admission is that it surpasses Sturgeon’s Law quite handily.

Perhaps that’s unfair to an extent, but moments of musical genius are few and far between in nerd music. Clever lyrics, sure, there are plenty of clever lyrics, but only rarely do they raise above the level of simply making the reference and moving on; the more ambitious gambit tends to be “tell Character X’s story in song,” which is marginally tougher. Musical virtuosity is rarer; competency is generally the over/under, or maybe a bit lower.

The takeaway, for me anyway, is this: moments of genuine brilliance in nerd music are few and far between, and certainly they appear at a lesser rate than in non-nerd music. The number of nerd songs I’ve heard that can match up lyrically, to, say, Eminem on an average day? Fingers on one hand. And instrumentally, if a nerd band can be as consistent as Nickelback – friggin’ Nickelback – they’re already in the top quarter of musicality.² Tack on top of that a general lack of interest in listening to a song about any given superhero or video game character if it’s not really, really funny and you begin to understand my lack of disinterest in nerd music generally.

(I know in comments there will probably be a bunch of “well you haven’t heard THIS,” and hey, have at it; maybe other readers will find good suggestions in the comments. But my track record for “well you haven’t heard THIS” is “no, I haven’t… and now I see why.” Four nerd songs on my Zune, people. Four songs.)

1. At some point spam artists will figure this out and penis extension pills will come disguised in links for X-Men fan fiction.
2. Which is not surprising when the general self-ranking of many nerd musicians is nerd first, musician second.

Ecuador. If you close your eyes while listening to this, you can see the Bugs Bunny cartoon that would have used it for a score. Yosemite Sam is the villain, and he plays an evil South American duke of some kind. There is a bit where Bugs Bunny tricks Yosemite Sam into fighting an ostrich. The ostrich beats Sam up real good. 55

Egypt. Feels like an early exercise in grade-school music class, with the awkward tempo and odd pauses, and not least because of the percussion hitting every beat. You can just imagine little Timmy in the back hitting his cymbal and nodding his head to keep time, maybe with his tongue sticking out a little because he’s concentrating so hard and he really wants to hit that cymbal properly. 14

El Salvador. I know it runs 3:30, but that was literally the shortest version of it I could find. With all the trills and horn sections and fanfares I’m not sure how anybody sings to this anthem (yes, even considering they only apparently sing the chorus and first verse), but it’s definitely an endurance sport; this feels more like a movement of a symphony than a national anthem. Pretty, though. 72

Equitoreal Guinea. Entitled “Let Us Tread The Path,” but only officially. In the right circles in Equitorial Guinea, it is known as “Let The Day Workers Tread The Path For Us, Preferably While Carrying Our Laundry.” 34

Eritrea. I am unsure which is more disturbing: that this anthem is titled “Eritrea, Eritrea, Eritrea” and while listening to the instrumental you can tell exactly when you are supposed to sing “Eritrea,” or the fact that it sounds like a dorky polka no matter which version you listen to. 26

Estonia. This is kind of derivative, but on the other hand, apparently when sung the Estonian national anthem commonly only lasts thirty seconds. That’s awfully considerate of them, isn’t it? I think that’s considerate. 50

Ethiopia. It’s a bit of an interesting tune, but beyond that it’s also got a bit of distinctive African flavour in its musicality that so many African nations’ anthems lack. You’d almost expect it to predate colonialism, but of course it turns out that it was written in 1992, which is the other way to avoid the common “hey let’s have an anthem like France or England” trap so many African countries have fallen into. 76

Fiji. One of the few anthems written in two languages right off the bat, and much like Canada (which was also written in two languages from the beginning), the different sets of lyrics are completely dissimilar. The English version is your standard “God bless Fiji, becuase it’s awesome” but the Fijian version is “we should carefully elect honourable leaders because people, when you get down to it, are kind of bastards.” You have to admire that combination of candor and reflexive guilt. 80

Finland. Widely considered to have been copied from a German drinking song, either intentionally or accidentally, but nobody really seems to care. This tells you a number of things about Finland, most of them positive in my view. 74

France. Oh, come on, it’s “La Marseillaise.” It’s basically the entire reason countries have national anthems; everybody else heard this and said “well, we’d better have one too,” and either wrote something or promoted a song they’d already been using to celebrate wars and the like. This pretty much remains the gold standard for national anthems despite flagging a bit in the tail end, because the “bom bom BAH BAH bom bom BAH BAH BAH” opening is timeless. 96

Gabon. Kind of the Muppet Babies version of “La Marseillaise’s” Muppet Show; it takes the core element and goes further uptempo with it in a lighthearted sort of way to produce something that is entertaining, cute, and perhaps a little cloying. 68

The Gambia. You have to admire The Gambia, because it’s a seriously dinky little country that manages to do quite well as African nations go, but on top of that they have a really lovely little anthem that they acquired through the most practical of measures: they had a contest and opened it up to the whole world. “Hey, you got a good anthem for us? We’ll listen. We mean, we’ll actually listen.” Maybe the story would be even more stirring if it hadn’t been written by a couple of white people adapting a West African folksong into an anthem, but you take what you can get that’s good, I guess. 90

Georgia. Hey, you know how back in the 1980s when we had Commodore 64s and you would play Winter Games by EPYX and when you picked your country, you had the option of picking EPYX and EPYX would have its own anthem? This is a lot more generic and dull than the EPYX anthem was. 17

Germany. You really sometimes have to judge on a sliding scale, and let’s be honest: its history of great composers aside, the fact that the Germans have such a lovely national anthem when their language is basically composed of a lot of throat-clearing noises and screaming can only be construed as a magnificent victory. Also, the Germans get props for having the common sense to realize that the “Deutschland uber alles” opening has kind of bad connotations, and thus dropping it. (You may think this a minor thing, but when you consider that it took decades to change a redundant “we stand on guard” to “from far and wide” in O Canada, it’s actually quite impressive. People get upset when you point out that parts of their anthem are dreadfully offensive.) 93

Ghana. Ghana was going to get a reasonably high mark for their perfectly nice anthem (which never really stops ascending, but hey, you got to aspire to something). Unfortunately, Uruguay stole it. Them’s the breaks, Ghana! 56

Greece. Weirdly sounds like the entire orchestra is slightly drunk whenever it gets played. Also sounds like a drinking song, even more than Finland’s does. 41

Grenada. Like many anthems written in the 1960s and 70s, sounds like the composers threw half a dozen anthems into a blender, hit puree, and tried to play what came out of the blender and finally said “okay, that’s our anthem.” 39

Guatemala. Unlike most South American and Latin American anthems, this is actually fairly short. Also unlike most South American and Latin American anthems, it’s dreadfully boring. 45

Guinea. Possibly the most low-key, mournful anthem so far, and in a very weird way. This doesn’t have any big flourishes or fanfares; in frank it seems embarrassed to be played, and has some odd fast bits, sort of like the musicians are saying “oh god let’s just get this over with” and then the conductor catches them trying to rush and has to scold them with his little wavy stick. If this was my anthem I would honestly get depressed, and I don’t think I’m alone because most Youtubes of national anthems have tons of comments from natives and from foreigners saying “your anthem is pretty and your country is great,” but all the Guinea anthem vids have barely anything apart from a solitary, lonely “vive le guinee.” That’s just kind of sad. 25

Guinea-Bissau. Has a nice steady build leaving you expecting something and then suddenly it’s all over in a hurry, which may or may not be a metaphor for the history of African colonialism. 51

Guyana. I swear I’ve tried to listen to it seven times now and every time I get distracted. Presumably there is music of some kind? An orchestra? It’s like there’s some sort of distraction field. I’m not getting tired of doing this, either; I actually came back after doing a few more and I still can’t make myself listen to it. 50

Haiti. I know Haiti has had it rough lately and I’m inclined to be generous, but even so, this is barely an anthem; the second half is largely a repeat of the first half and the whole thing lasts forty seconds. If you want to hear the full version, it repeats the whole thing for another forty seconds. And it’s not really an outstanding forty seconds or anything. 19

Honduras. KETTLEDRUMS KETTLEDRUMS CYMBALS KETTLEDRUMS low-key woodwinds woodwinds woodwinds NOW MORE KETTLEDRUMS low-key woodwinds KETTLEDRUMS CYMBALS XYLOPHONE! If The Grunge Song had been written in 1915, it would be this. Not that that’s a bad thing. 63

Hungary. Is an out-and-out hymn (its title even translates to “Hymn”) rather than your standard “hey [country] is so great because of its [geographic features] and [people who can beat the snot out of other countries].” Really, including it in this list is like how that one kid at your school, the one who constantly trained for the Olympics and who attended maybe one class in seven because they were so busy, made it into the high school yearbook despite ninety-five percent of everybody never even speaking to them; it’s just a whole different sorta thing. 91

Iceland. Also a hymn. Also entitled “Hymn.” However, although not a bad piece of music by any stretch, it’s not nearly as good as Hungary’s, and that is why Hungary does not sue Iceland. That, and the fact that Iceland no longer has any money and would have to pay their damages out in herring. 72

India. The instrumental doesn’t really do it justice, because when you hear it played with Indian instruments it’s a lot more majestic, but even when it’s played with proper accompaniment it doesn’t change the fact that this anthem just sort of ends suddenly, at a point where you would honestly expect at the very least a sort of coda or maybe even a triumphant ending. Even when choirs sing it, there’s just this sort of “yep, that’s it” feeling. Weird. 60

Indonesia. Starts out kind of boring, but by the end it’s really quite enthralling (presumably they stole the good bits from East Timor after all), in the “professional wrestler late in his career entering the arena as fans cheer madly for the living legend” sort of way. Memo to Indonesian professional wrestlers: if you ever come to America, you’ve got a bit of a leg up right from the get-go because, like all dirty foreigner wrestlers, this can be your entrance music. 70

Iran. Was written by a committee. Sounds like every creative effort ever produced by a committee. 33

Iraq. Is also the unofficial anthem of Palestine, so I hope it’s not controversial to say that this is honestly a pretty nice bit of music; a bit repetitive to say the least, but it’s pleasant. It’s a far sight better than the Hussein-era anthem, to be sure. Clearly, from a musical standpoint, the invasion was justified. No, not really. 75

Ireland. Is a military march converted over to national anthem status and sounds like it. (This is not a bad thing, per se. But it is noticeable.) Also, the English version of the lyrics rhymes “Ireland” with “sireland,” which is perhaps the most desperate rhyme I’ve seen yet in any national anthem. Given that the writers could have gotten away with “Eire” for naming the country in the anthem and so many things rhyme with that, you just have to kind of shake your head. 72

Israel. Even sadder than Guinea’s anthem in its own way, but where Guinea’s anthem is sad because it seems conflicted and confused, Israel’s is an attempt to translate everything Jews have had to put up with for the last few thousand years into a couple of minutes of orchestration, and mostly succeeds at that. This is the sort of music to which elderly mothers beat their breast when something tragic happens. 86

Italy. Operatic as you would expect from Italy, and although it kind of gets lost in itself after a while, the only real downside is the pauses the orchestra has to take when musicians dive to the ground and clutch their faces in agony after the conductor waves his baton in their general direction. No, no, I’m kidding. They’ve got it down to such a science now that they don’t have to pause, they just keep playing while they dive. 81

Jamaica. Supremely calm and sedate; this anthem never gets excited. Even when the orchestra rises, it’s very steady and deliberate and measured. Make your own ganja joke; I have standards. 73

Japan. Powerful and dignified without being ostentatious or noisy. The Japanese national anthem is very Japanese in character; there’s a lot of national anthems that simply can’t say the same for their respective home countries. 92

Jordan. Seems stretched out; this isn’t a long anthem to begin with, and then you realize that this forty-second snippet is every verse of the song. Then you do a little research, and you find out every verse of the song is basically a long paean to how awesome the King of Jordan is. Then you wonder why the King of Jordan’s anthem is so mediocre. Surely he can have people punished for it. I mean, he’s the King. 42