…when you are not sure if the exam you just had was “easy” or “deceptively easy.”

FLAPJACKS: So why aren’t you nominated for this year’s Canadian blog awards?
ME: I’m not?
FLAPJACKS: Nope.
ME: Are you sure?
FLAPJACKS: I used your computer and everything.
ME: Which reminds me, you owe me half a dozen bagels.
FLAPJACKS: I got you bagels.
ME: You got me circular bread from Loblaws. Do we have to have the bagel talk again?
FLAPJACKS: No.
ME: Good. Anyway. I figured that since I won last year I’d get auto-nominated or something.
FLAPJACKS: It doesn’t work that way, I guess. Didn’t you just nominate yourself last year?
ME: No.
FLAPJACKS: What, somebody else nominated you? For real?
ME: For real. I didn’t even know the Canadian Blog Awards existed. I figured self-nominating was, like, against the rules or something.
FLAPJACKS: Or at least just not classy.
ME: Exactly. It’s like wearing a business suit to a white-tie event.
FLAPJACKS: But on the other hand now you’re not gonna win the award two years running.
ME: And I’m not irritated about that at all.
FLAPJACKS: I don’t think you -
ME: At. All.
FLAPJACKS: Gotcha.
ME: Anyway, other than Yarn Harlot all the blogs there are mostly teeny. I have bigger fish to fry. Bigger and better internet site awards await!
FLAPJACKS: Have you ever even been nominated for one of those?
ME: Shut up.
FLAPJACKS: And didn’t you actively campaign to win some of them?
ME: Shut up.
FLAPJACKS: Man, you’re testy.
ME: That’s what happens when people steal my bagels.

“So, Justin, what would you like for Christmas this year?”

Hm…

…Sandman Mystery Theatre…

…The Golden Age Sandman’s alter ego, Wesley Dodds…

…and an actor to portray him…?

HOW ABOUT IT??

Bonus: I have done some hi-tech photo manipulation, just so you could see what it’d be like:

I tried to replace the ferret with some sort of gas gun, but I am not quite talented enough.

So for everybody else in Canada it is “Thursday” but for me it is Thanksgiving II because my dad is American and he always insists on having Thanksgiving on American Thanksgiving but my mom is Canadian so she always insists on having Thanksgiving on Canadian Thanksgiving, and eventually they compromised by having two Thanksgivings. I think this is one of the reasons I have such a sunny welcoming personality. Think how much more awesome you would be if you got to have Thanksgiving twice a year. That’s basically how I am all the time.

So I am taking the day off. MGK has to go to school because, hey, future lawyer. But I know where he keeps his emergency key and besides I need to get some bagels and he always has the best bagels. He is, like, fanatical about his bagels. Seriously, you want to distract MGK, the way to do it is to tell him about this great bagel you had and then be sure to mention how soft and bready it was, and then he’ll look at you like you’re a dumbass and say “that’s not a bagel” and then he’ll forget whatever it is you wanted him to forget, although you will have to go through a five-minute lecture on why Montreal-style bagels are the only bagels and everything else is just a round bun with a hole in the middle.

Anyway, MGK knows where to get his favorite type of bagel and I don’t, so I just steal his bagels. (He doesn’t need the carbs anyway.) Which is why I’m using his computer right now. Well, no, that just explains why I’m here, not why I’m using his computer. See, while I was walking over here I had an idea for a villain named Dr. Doctor (“he has a bad case… of hurting you!”) and I wanted to check to see if anybody had used that yet because he would be a great baddie for Tomcats 12: Sexy Medical School. And it looks like I’m good!

Speaking of sexy medical school, I went out on a date with a doctor last week! She was a urologist, which I thought girls were not allowed to do but I guess I was wrong. (Stands to reason, when you think about it. I mean, guys can be gynecologists, right? Fair is fair. I am glad we live in such a liberated society.) Anyway, I told her about Dr. Doctor and she didn’t quite get it. Of course, she didn’t quite understand why I’m called Flapjacks either although I explained it, like, three times. Is it possible for doctors to be slow on the uptake? Is that, like, even allowed? I think there should be a test where you kind of point behind a doctor and say “OH GOD A MONSTER” and if they look then they lose their medical license or something. You don’t want to be treated by a doctor who believes in monsters, right?

Any day where you find a stick that makes for a really decent pretend sword cannot be all bad.

DistantFred: What did you do before you were a law student?

I wandered the backwoods of Saskatchewan, preying on wild game and howling at the moon.

No, wait. Not that.

John Pontoon: You should write about your fantasy baseball league that you started and then ignored because you picked a crap team. The league that I won. I demand credit for this irrelevant accomplishment.

(to the tune of the “Warner Brothers theme”)

HOORAY FOR JOHN PONTOON
HE ISN’T A RACCOON
HE EATS FRENCH FRIES
KNOWS BASEBALL GUYS
AND SITS IN A LAGOON! HEY!

Dystel: What kind of Pie is best?

For eating main-dish, shepherd’s pie. For eating for dessert, strawberry rhubarb pie. For eating main-dish when all you have is dessert pies, sweet potato pie. For taking into battle against evil cyborg armies, Gauss-cannon pie with chocolate frosting. For defeating a third-tier supervillain, Hostess snack pie. For negotiating with a ninja, pear gelee pie. For bribing a third world official, apple pie with crumble topping (not pastry topping – that would be an insult). For calculating the value of pi, a bowl of lemon meringue with no crust. For winning an election in France, raspberry-blueberry pie with clotted cream on top. For defeating a shark, peach pie. For defeating a cyber-shark, pecan pie. For defeating a cyber-were-shark, cheddar cheese pie. And for defeating a vampire cyber-mecha-were-shark, Godzilla pie, made with freshest Godzilla.

lance lunchmeat: Ever check out Sonic the Hedgehog comics?

I would but they go by too fast! HEY-OHHHHHH!

Cookie McCool: Baking recipes and kittens?

JELLY TOTS
6 tbsp softened unsalted butter
2 tbsp vegetable shortening or lard
1 cup unbleached flour
1/4 cup light brown sugar (packed)
1 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp salt
1 egg
ground nuts of some sort as per preference
fruity jam as per preference

Cream together butter and shortening with sugar. Separate the egg, add the yolk and the vanilla to the mix. Add the flour and salt. Roll the resulting dough into 1-inch balls. Whisk the egg white in a bowl until it’s a foam. Dip the balls in the egg, then roll them through the crushed nuts. Bake at 350F for three minutes. Take them out. With your thumb, squish an indentation in each ball so it lays flat and has a sort of mini-bowl in it. Bake for another 7=8 minutes or until they’re lightly browned. Spoon jam into the mini-bowls of the cookies. Wait as long as is humanly possible to eat. (My record is five minutes.)

JQ_NW_American: How’d you meet your wife?

It’s a long story involving her only existing as such in potentiality and all. I suppose this means I get to pick, though! So I will say “while dodging the meteors whose strikes upon the earth signalled the return of magic to the world and the New Age Of Humanity.”

Also I get to be the king.

Edgar Allan Poe: I want some serious talk about Daredevil.

DAREDEVIL RAPED YOUR MOM.

Fifthsurprise: What is your zombie plan?

1.) Realize zombies are fictional
2.) Eat cake

Can anybody recommend a good organizer application into which I can enter upcoming dates and get reminders that I have to do stuff on those upcoming dates, preferably a week in advance?

Not for a phone, because I don’t have a smartphone and won’t for some time. Just a straight PC app.

You can read an interview I did with Larry Gonick, author of (among many other books) The Cartoon History of the Universe, over at the Talk Media Blog.

Okay so like imagine in your mind that there is a public men’s room that you are about to use in a place that gets a reasonable amount of traffic. The men’s room has two urinals and one toilet stall. When you walk in to take a leak, there is one guy, using one of the urinals.

What is the proper etiquette here? Is it to obey the unwritten rule of “pee as far away from other guys as possible,” and use the toilet for your business? Or is it to obey the rule of “if you don’t have to do a number two, don’t take up the toilet in case somebody rushes into the bathroom because it’s an emergency” and use the urinal, even though it means peeing right next to the other guy?

I am not gonna say which I did. I’m just gonna say that I ended up getting a dirty look from somebody.

LIKED

- Okay, so this isn’t techically “this week,” but damn, do I love my Vivo Barefoots. I got a pair of Dharmas on sale about a month ago and I am pretty sure they are my favorite shoes ever. I put on a pair of Airwalks the other day (and Airwalks are not exactly a big-soled shoe) and they just felt weird, because I’d gotten so used to the natural feeling of walking in the Vivos. I definitely feel my posture’s improved as a result of them, too. Indeed: best shoes ever. I need to get more of these.

- Also I like drinking beer and lookin’ at titties. (I feel the need to mention these after posting about a pair of shoes.)

- Finally read The Umbrella Academy: Dallas and Gerard Way and Gabriel Ba are definitely taking their story to a new level; it’s ambitious in a way that most superhero-ish comics just aren’t, weird and gloriously creative, creepy in all the right ways and never in the wrong ones. Have you not read Umbrella Academy? You are missing out on a comic book that has talking chimps for no discernible reason and where they must kill John F. Kennedy to save the world.

DIDN’T LIKE

- Finally went to a Pillowfight League event, and… I’m putting it in the “all hype” category. It’s funny for about five minutes, and then you realize they’re gonna do it for another forty-five minutes, and you die inside. It’s one joke, and although the girls are clearly doing their best to make the joke as good as possible, one joke is still one joke.Plus, the only beer at the event was Pabst Blue Ribbon. I don’t think I have to say much more than that.

So here’s the thing. I have a lot of stuff I don’t want. A bunch of comics, mostly. Some of it is just taking up shelf-space and I don’t want them any more; some of it is stuff I have “upgraded” to nicer editions; some of it is stuff I got for cheap or free and never got around to reading and am not really interested in anyway.

Now, ironically, the one thing you really can’t do with comics is donate them to charity, because children’s charities are (rightly) concerned about infection and molds and whatnot, so they only accept donations of new comics. (At least, that’s how it is here.) Libraries won’t take them for circulation purposes (and in fact I know that in Ontario most library donations are destroyed, for the same reason as why the children’s charities won’t take them). So I can’t give them away. Not easily, anyway. And if I’m gonna work to do charity, it’s not going to be to get rid of some old comics.

And selling them is likewise a pain in the ass. If I take them to a used bookstore I get less than pennies on the dollar. eBaying them is a massive goddamned hassle. Comic stores won’t take most of them. And Craigslist – no. Just no.

So this is what I am gonna do. Behind the cut is everything I want to get rid of. I won’t accept offers of money (well, except for stupidly large ones). What I will accept instead is trades. No, not trade paperbacks (although that might work). You offer me something for something (or somethings) from the list. I’ll wait twelve hours and then start picking preferred offers on a first-come first-served basis. (No counter-offers or haggling; this isn’t a Middle Eastern market. You can try to up somebody else’s bid, if you feel you’ve been out-offered.)

Things that will work: trade paperbacks or books I might be interested in reading. DVDs (especially box sets). Board games. Stikfas. Wall art (I especially love old prints of movie posters, or indeed vintage posters period). Useful gadgets and/or appliances. Mass quantities of useful things (razor blades, for example). Generally cool knicknacks. Junk food I have never tried before. Shit that will surprise me.

Things that will not work: CDs. Console games (I don’t own any consoles and unless somebody crazy offers me a Wii for free I’m probably not going to bother getting one). Single issues of comics. Clothing (unless it’s really cool – it’s too hard to figure out sizing remotely). Perishable food. That sort of thing.

What I hope happens is that I can get rid of crap I don’t want whilst enabling other people to get rid of crap they don’t want. Everybody ends up moderately happy!

…but watching Andy Richter absolutely destroy Wolf Blitzer at Celebrity Jeopardy is delicious.

Mostly because the questions were so goddamned easy, as befits Celebrity Jeopardy. Dana Delany at least seemed to know what she was doing and was just getting beaten to the punch on the buzzer, but Wolf Blitzer was just flailing at answers. How can the lead anchor for CNN not know that Lyndon Johnson decided not to run for re-election in 1968? He ended up with nearly negative five thousand dollars; that’s a score more suited to a Celebrity Jeopardy sketch on Saturday Night Live.

Is there any good reason why politicians who leave or are voted out of office shouldn’t be executed?

1. Well, a two-way ticket, really, but they wouldn’t be able to enjoy the scenery on the way out. [↩]