MOVIE: Shoot ‘Em Up
PLOT SUMMARY Wait, you want a plot?
OH COME ON NOW Fine: Clive Owen is the good guy protecting a baby from the approximately seven million gunmen who want to shoot the baby
MOVIE EQUALS The Transporter minus Cars plus Three Men And A Baby
DIRECTED BY Michael Davis
WHO LAST DIRECTED a shitload of very bad straight-to-video movies you have never seen, including the truly pathetic 100 Girls
WAS THAT ANY GOOD? Try to infer from the previous comment what I just made
STARRING Clive Owen as crazy-ass good guy, Paul Giamatti as crazy-ass bad guy, Monica Belluci as crazy-ass lactacting hooker
ARE THEY ANY GOOD? They don’t suck, although god knows they all chew the scenery something fierce
SO I DON’T HAVE ANY HOPE FOR THIS TO BE A GOOD MOVIE; IS IT AT LEAST A GOOD ACTION MOVIE? It’s a live-action cartoon in the most complimentary sense; when I compare this movie to The Transporter, what I mean is take the craziest moments in that movie, like say when Jason Statham beats up eight guys with a firehose, and then make that the entire movie – and no I am serious I mean it’s the entire goddamned movie
BEST PERFORMANCE I am uncomfortable calling anything in this movie a “performance” in the traditional sense per se, because the line readings are clearly over-the-top on purpose for a laugh the entire way through and it doesn’t seem quite right to say “Clive Owen because he stabs people in the face with a carrot multiple times”
MOST LIKELY STUNT SEQUENCE TO BE “HOMAGED” BY A BIG-BUDGET MOVIE TEN YEARS FROM NOW the skydiving gunfight
BEST ACTION SEQUENCE IN MOVIE Tough call; I mean, understand that this is a movie that begins with a gunfight – and a good one – taking place during the delivery of a baby (an event which is the goddamned climax of Time and Tide, so you have an idea of how amped up this movie is), and that none of the action pieces lag even slightly
AWARDS? Nope
IF THIS MOVIE WERE AN ICE CREAM FLAVOR IT WOULD BE English trifle gelato
WORTH Cheap Tuesday or full price for action fans
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5 users responded in this post
“Monica Belluci as crazy-ass lactacting hooker”
I’m sold!
You know, I saw a poster of this yesterday, and I thought, “Well, heck, they may as well just call it ‘Action Movie'”. Apparently so.
I think live action cartoon pretty much sums it up. It was so over the top, with the violence and the coital capping and whatnot. And at the same time, it stayed within the constraints of playing it straight. Well, straight-ish. While definitely having some fun with the genre conventions, it had more in common with Hot Fuzz than the Naked Gun.
You knock a movie that features Beck’s wife topless AND Katherine Heigl jiggling around in a bra?
Sir, I name you MONSTER!
an event which is the goddamned climax of Time and Tide,
And yet no one’s ever ripped off the “abseiling down a stairwell” schtick, which I thought looked so cool. We owe so much to Hong Kong.