Recovering from a migraine, so creativity just ain’t happening (I know, I know, what else is new) but here’s a blog post I did back in 2009 on my own blog, ‘Fraggmented’, inspired by a joke in the Cinematic Titanic release “Blood of the Vampire”. (And as an aside, if you’re at all a fan of MST3K, consider giving to their Kickstarter?)
Now, gentlemen, allow me to welcome you to Fisticuffs Society. The first rule of Fisticuffs Society is: It is impolite to discuss Fisticuffs Society.
The second rule of Fisticuffs Society is: It is EXCEEDINGLY impolite to discuss Fisticuffs Society.
Third rule of Fisticuffs Society: Should a gentleman request disengagement from fisticuffs, whether verbally or through some form of hand signal…or in the event of incapacity…the other gentleman must desist immediately from battle.
Fourth rule: It would be inconsiderate for more than two gentleman to engage in a single bout.
Fifth rule: It would also be inconsiderate to engage in a bout of fisticuffs while other gentlemen are doing so.
Sixth rule: A gentleman disdains the wearing of anything other than proper attire while engaging in bare-knuckle fisticuffs–this implies full dinner dress, gentlemen. Anything else would be quite uncivilized. And I should not even need to mention that the use of weaponry is quite, quite unsporting.
Seventh rule: Naturally, no member of Fisticuffs Society should even dream of interrupting Fisticuffs Society due to other obligations; please clear your calendar for the evening in order to ensure that bouts can continue as long as they are obliged to continue.
And the eighth and final rule: If this is your first time at Fisticuffs Society, etiquette requires that you engage in a bout of fisticuffs yourself.
I did promise that I’d be providing you with content every week in between Race posts, because as much as I love writing them and as much as some of you love reading them there’s definitely a contingent of people who want something to break up the string of Race-related posts and I don’t blame them.
That said, I didn’t promise it would always be new content. So here’s an old post of mine from my own blog, Fraggmented, that I liked a lot and figured people might not have seen. Enjoy!
The LucasFilm Sale: How It All Went Down
(SCENE: A BOARDROOM AT LUCASARTS, MAY 2011. A KEY EXECUTIVE IS SITTING AT A TABLE, ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE ARRIVAL OF HIS BOSS.)
(GEORGE LUCAS ENTERS.)
LUCASARTS EXECUTIVE: Hello, sir. You said you had some big news for me?
LUCAS: Very big. I think this could be the biggest thing for this company since 1999.
EXEC: You mean…we’re…?
EXEC: Episode Seven?
LUCAS: Huh? Oh, that. Um, yeah, I have a few ideas I’ve been tossing around. No, I’ve been thinking about new revenue streams for the company. I mean, the movies have always sold well, but eventually we hit saturation on that. People have the originals, they have the Special Editions, they have them on video and DVD and Blu-Ray, and they’ve all seen them in the theater a couple dozen times on top of that. It’s the ancillary revenue streams that keep us in dough, you know that.
EXEC: Um, but Episode Seven would be a new film. They’d want to see that.
LUCAS: But you have to spend money making it, first! Millions of dollars scouting locations, hiring actors, putting them into mo-cap suits so that you don’t actually have to see them on-screen when you’re done…arranging all those pixels into fake aliens costs money, you know. And when you’re all finished, what do people do? Complain that you didn’t do it right and decide not to see it another sixteen times! No, if we’re going to do this, we have to make sure it’s profitable before the first ticket sold. Like ‘Phantom Menace’. That’s where my idea comes in.
EXEC: More merchandising, sir? I’m really not sure there’s anywhere else to go with that. We’ve sold ‘Star Wars’ action figures, ‘Star Wars’ video games, ‘Star Wars’ tissues, ‘Star Wars’ muffin tins…we sold that candy that made you french-kiss Jar Jar Binks! I don’t think we can really put the logo on anything else, not unless you’re willing to sell ‘Star Wars’ toilet paper.
LUCAS: Hmm. Actually, write that one down. But no, I was thinking along the lines of advertising tie-ins.
EXEC: Kids’ meals, drink cups, that sort of thing? I mean, I’m sure we can round some up, no problem, but–
LUCAS: You’re not thinking big enough. Ever watch any sports?
EXEC: Well, um…yes, but–
LUCAS: Not me. Never really had the interest. Not enough CGI. But one of my kids had on a basketball game last night, and do you know where those guys play? Staples Center.
LUCAS: “STAPLES” Center! Don’t you get it? The guys at Staples paid big bucks just to get a building named after them! I looked it up! It’s like, millions of dollars! And I was thinking.
EXEC: OK, maybe we should do a little less of that–
LUCAS: Naming rights! How many of those damned aliens do we stick in the background of each shot? Twenty? Thirty? And every freaking one has an action figure, its own novel tie-in, and something like three comic book series about them! And we’ve just been naming them after our friends and stupid inside jokes! All this time, we’ve had a frigging gold mine right under our noses, and we haven’t touched it!
EXEC: I’ll be honest, sir, this sounds–
LUCAS: Brilliant? Lucrative? Like the future of cinema? Here, I’ve drawn up designs for a few new characters. That’s Wal-Martto, he’s going to be a wacky alien sidekick who does all the bargaining for the heroes. This, this is Darth Verizon. He’s going to be a villain, but a “cool” one. Over here is Starbuck, a new Rebel pilot who loves to fly with the kind of energy only a Chai Latte can give you. And…you’re giving me a look. What’s the look?
EXEC: Well, first off, Starbuck is already a pilot in another series.
LUCAS: I know! And they didn’t charge a dime! Don’t worry, I’ve got a product placement deal going with the BSG people. We’ll get twice the money for the same character, and they’ll get a free ad for their DVD boxsets. It’s win-win…you’re still giving me the look.
EXEC: It’s just that…I mean, doesn’t this kind of cheapen our franchise? I think the fans will see it as kind of, well…lame.
LUCAS: They didn’t complain about Sio Bibble, Salacious Crumb or Elan Sleazebaggano. I think if we can get away with Elan Sleazebaggano, we can get away with Darth Verizon.
EXEC: …OK. Look, George. How much would it cost to get you to not make this movie at all? Or any movies? Ever?
LUCAS: I dunno. Four billion dollars?
EXEC: Let me get Disney on the phone.
(Disclaimer: All kidding towards Lucas aside, I’ll be honest; I really only did this because I wanted to get the name “Wal-Martto” down in print somewhere.)
A long time ago, I discussed briefly my circa-2005 ideas for rebooting Impulse with a new character, as Bart was Flash and Wally was dead (followed, of course, by Wally being Flash and Bart being dead. They trade off every so often.) One of the stories I really wanted to do featured another Teen Titan, the extremely short-lived Young Frankenstein, who made exactly one appearance in the “World War III” mini-series before dying when Black Adam ripped his arms off. (He got better in time for “Final Crisis”, but still hasn’t been what you’d call a major character.)
I wanted to use him for two reasons: One, death should be no impediment to a character who’s a walking reanimated corpse, and two, THERE IS A CHARACTER NAMED “YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN” IN THE DC UNIVERSE AND NOBODY HAS MADE A MEL BROOKS JOKE ABOUT HIM. So my idea was that Impulse would be fighting a mad scientist who was working on (among other things) making an army of undead soldiers, and she’d help free Young Frankenstein from his lab, where he was being studied in hopes of extracting the secret of his resurrection. And Impulse, on hearing his name, simply would not be able to let it go. She’d keep calling him “Fronkensteen”, referring to herself as Eyempulse, and yes, there would be a scene where they fought mutant wolves so that when Young Frankenstein shouted, “Werewolf!” she could reply back with “There!” And the whole time, Young Frankenstein is just giving her the blankest looks ever, but she simply cannot stop herself because she is teaming up with Young Frankenstein, and really, could you?
And at the end, after they defeat the mad scientist and prepare to go their separate ways, she’d say, “See you around, Young Fronkensteen.” And he would rear up to his full height and shout, at the top of his lungs, “MY NAME…IS FRANKENSTEIN!!!!!!” And Impulse’s eyes would get huge and terrified, and she’d begin to apologize…before realizing just what he’d said. She’d shout, “Hey, wait a second!” but he would already be off, singing to himself, “When you’re blue and you don’t know, where to go to why don’t ya go, where fashion sits….PUUUN ANNA RISS!”
I may just be weird, but it still gives me a chuckle.
I’m probably showing my age when I say that ‘The Love Boat’ was practically ubiquitous when I was a kid. Even if you didn’t make an effort to watch it, it seemed to run in some sort of bizarre, perpetual loop that meant you always wound up catching at least a half an episode here or a few minutes there. For those of you unfamiliar with it, it was one of those weird “Why does anybody watch this?” shows that somehow ran for nine seasons, about a cruise ship called the Pacific Princess, its crew, and the weekly guest stars who found love on the eponymous boat. You could design something more clearly intended to function as comfort viewing and visual wallpaper, but it’d be hard.
And last week, in the comments on my suggestion for a “Jurassic World” series, TrishEM suggested a ‘Love Boat’ reboot with velociraptors. And I have to say, not to diss a readership that is smart and funny and great commenters, but it’s gonna be hard to top that one. In fact, it led me to a whole series of ideas about how to improve the formulaic, generic ‘Love Boat’ simply by mashing it up with some of the other TV shows out there. To wit:
1) The Jurassic Boat. After the failure of Jurassic Park and Jurassic World, no country in the world is willing to host a dinosaur theme park due to potential fears of escaping animals wreaking havoc. So InGen solves two problems at once, creating a floating theme park that cruises in international waters. Each week, a new bunch of guest stars comes to the boat in search of romance, thrills, and adventure! Guessing game for the series: Which guest star will get eaten by raptors this week?
2) Vicki the Vampire Slayer. The Pacific Princess is one of the more…unusual cruise ships out there. It always embarks and disembarks after sunset, it has a full range of 24-hour activities, the cabins all have shutters to block out the sunlight…and it has the highest “fatal accident” rate of any cruise line in the world. Vicki, daughter of ship’s captain Merrill Stubing, finally learns what ties all these things together when she is approached by the ship’s bartender, Isaac, and told that she is a Chosen One–a Slayer. Isaac is her Watcher, and is here to train her in the art of fighting vampires; the Pacific Princess is secretly run by and for vampires who want to travel without risking daylight, and most of the passengers are there as a ready supply of food. She must protect the mortal passengers, slay the vampires, and never let the truth about her identity get out (lest she be kicked off the ship). Guessing game for the series: Which guest star is going to get bitten in the first act?
3) Love the Walking Dead. The Pacific Princess is on a cruise when word comes to them that a strange disease is infecting people on land, causing them to reanimate as flesh-eating zombies. Each week, the crew must find ways to embark and get priceless supplies and rescue survivors, all while avoiding the hordes of undead. Guessing game for the series: Which guest star will get eaten by zombies first?
4) Love Trek. All aboard the Pacific Space Princess for a tour of the galaxy! See the sights, romance the beautiful aliens, and avoid the horndog captain who seems to mack on a new guest star each week! Guessing game for the series: Which guest star will not be making it back from their stops at each port of call? (Hint: It’s the one wearing the red shirt.)
5) Breaking Boat. When Gopher is diagnosed with cancer by Bernie Kopell, he decides to make some money for his family by starting a meth lab with Julie in the ship’s lower decks. Their illicit drug dealing ring gradually brings them further and further into a sordid world of brutality and murder, forcing Gopher to take ever-harsher measures to protect his secrets and his money. Once he’s in…can he ever get out? Guessing game for the series: Will it end in an orgy of violence and rough justice, as each character gets his or her karmic retribution, or do we live in an essentially amoral universe where the good sometimes suffer and the bad sometimes go unpunished?
DATELINE, HOLLYWOOD, CA: The entertainment industry was hit with devastating news today, as the Writers Guild of America, West (the premier screenwriters’ union in Hollywood) announced that virtually everything that could be weaponized by fictional terrorists, madmen, and power-mad dictators had, in fact, already been weaponized. The remaining list of things known to have not been weaponized in film or television is being kept a carefully guarded secret at this time, but it is rumored to include cornflakes, laundry detergent, barbecue sauce, the collected poetry of ee cummings, a 1972 Ford Pinto, the ABBA single “Dancing Queen”, and the mortal remains of Telly Savalas.
Said one screenwriter, under conditions of anonymity, “I blame MGM. The Bond films have been weaponizing all sorts of damn crap over the years, from orchids to financial forecasts to experimental fuels. They had to have known that the stockpiles of everyday things that we could make scary by announcing the bad guy has ‘weaponized’ it couldn’t last forever, but they kept going. Now I’m stuck with trying to convince Morgan Freeman to stand in front of a crowd of extras pretending to be White House reporters and announce that Libya has fucking weaponized cornflakes? It’s not going to work, dammit.”
Later that day, the screenplay ‘Flake Fury’ sold for 1.2 million dollars. Morgan Freeman is reportedly interested in the part.
Still others point the finger at television. “Oh, yeah, we weaponized the shit out of…everything, man,” one producer said after advising he did not want his name used. “Weaponized lighter fluid, weaponized bird flu, weaponized iPhones–fuck, we weaponized every single product Microsoft and Apple put out in the last five years, and that was just on last week’s CSI: Cyber! I don’t know what we’re going to do when the stuff on the list runs out.”
There is some hope, though. “We’ve been discussing re-weaponizing things that have already been weaponized,” said a spokesperson for WGA West. “We believe that if something is in large supply, then we can make a plausible case in the story that even though it was previously weaponized, the amount of it not under lock and key will be great enough that someone can get hold of it and weaponize it all over again.” The announcement appeared to relate to a new series that will be premiering in the fall, set in Washington DC, where a small group of sinister plotters have ground the government to a standstill by weaponizing stupidity.
As I’m sure you’re at least dimly aware if you read this blog, Marvel is…decidedly NOT rebooting the Marvel Universe! Because Marvel never does that! That’s the sort of thing DC does, heh heh heh. We’d never ever do a ‘Crisis’ style reboot, not when we can just mush all of the parallel universes together and then pull them apart into a new continuity! It’s totally not the same thing HEY LOOK A RARE THREE-BILLED WOODPECKER! **runs away**
(Or so I imagine Editor-in-Chief Axel Alonso saying.)
The point is, we’ve got a new Marvel Universe coming up, one which is totally going to make sense and be internally consistent and not be an attempt to bury any bad decisions they might have made under the rug, and I for one am looking forward to it! But as a fan, of course, I have a deeply-held sense of entitlement that must be catered to, and as such I have certain very particular expectations for the new Marvel Universe. I am setting down my demands now, with the implied threat that I will go on Internet message boards and declare for all to hear that the new comics “suck”. (This is not an idle threat, Marvel.) To wit:
1) Starlord needs to get his own pack of semi-tame velociraptors. Actually, come to think of it, while I’m not demanding that every Marvel character get their very own pack of semi-tame velociraptors, I wouldn’t say no to it.
2) New series: The Amazing Chipmunk Hunk. Additional new series: The Spectacular Chipmunk Hunk. Possible additional new series: Nuts of Chipmunk Hunk? (Maybe not that last one. We’ll discuss it.)
3) Bring back the Sentry. Then kill him off again, in an even more painful and ignominious fashion.
4) Bring back the Spider-Marriage. Then bring back Gwen Stacy and have her marry Peter too. Then have Betty Brant, Liz Allan, Felicia Hardy and Deb Whitman all marry him as well due to a series of wacky misunderstandings, turning the series into an anime-style harem comic.
5) Grumpy Old Wolverine should have a new series where he’s joined by an angel (not Warren Worthington, an actual angel) and they travel the American Heartland learning lessons about sharing and kindness.
6) A monthly comic that is entirely Kamala Khan’s illustrated fan-fiction about the Marvel Universe. Wouldn’t that be so awesomely meta that you’d freak?
7) Less Deadpool. Maybe knock it down to six, seven appearances a month, tops?
8) More alternate reality Gwen Stacies. In specific, I demand the Uncanny X-Gwen, the Gwenvengers, and Gwenpool. (She can be one of the six or seven.) Also, look into some sort of Spider-Gwen/Spider-Ham mashup? Just brainstorming here.
9) New series: ‘Shirtless Loki’. Not for me, but I know a few fans who’ve been asking for it.
Last but not least:
10) Look, would it kill ya to bring back US-1? I got a feeling that Citizens Band radio is coming back in a big way, here. Maybe include Razorback as a supporting character for added sizzle.
The Race recap is being delayed slightly this week due to its size (two hours long, six-day workweek, doesn’t mix) but I thought I might tide you over with some funny pictures. Take it away, BATMAN!
continue reading "Looking Forward to the Race Recap? YOU WILL."
FLAPJACKS: Let’s make a survival horror video game!
MGK: I’ll bring the random assortment of dentist’s tools!
FLAPJACKS: I’ll bring the creepy doll’s heads!
MGK: Don’t forget to smash ninety percent of the light bulbs! But only ninety percent!
FLAPJACKS: Scary killers/monsters have to see too! It’s only polite!
MGK: Speaking of which, what type of scary killers or monsters do we want?
FLAPJACKS: Well, there are so many options. There are regular people who are grossly facially mutilated. There are body-dysmorphic horrors. And then there are body-dysmorphic horrors who are also grossly facially mutilated.
MGK: It is a smorgasbord of terror!
FLAPJACKS: The important thing is to make people go “ew” when they play our game!
MGK: Speaking of which, what type of protagonist should we have? I think we should have a protagonist whose family have died and who is still haunted by their deaths.
FLAPJACKS: Well I think we should have a protagonist whose family have disappeared and who is driven to find them, no matter how tragic an outcome may result!
MGK: Can we compromise and have a nameless non-entity who is defined only by his abilities which have been mapped onto the keyboard?
FLAPJACKS: My word, it’s like I’m surviving the game myself now! But we’re agreed it’s a dude, right?
MGK: Well of course.
FLAPJACKS: All those little convenient notes people leave behind will have so much more impact if I know my video-game self is a dude.
MGK: It’s only real survival horror if all the notes are in fact voice recordings. You know, as people do. Nobody writes things down any more! It’s the digital age! We talk into our talk-boxes! Voice diaries are a real important thing!
FLAPJACKS: Also with the voice diaries I think we need to give our hero supplies. That way he can fight the monsters. But only briefly, lest he be given some sense of agency! I think we should only give him single, individual bullets. People leave single, individual bullets around all the time! Think how scary it will be when he has only three bullets in his gun – and there are four monsters!
MGK: Bullets? Pffft, you’re not being ambitious enough. He should not have a gun. He should have a knife, which regularly gets dull when he stabs a monster with it, and he needs to find whetstones to sharpen the knife!
FLAPJACKS: He can carry up to four rocks at any time, and whenever he smashes a monster with a rock, it crumbles. He must constantly find additional rocks!
MGK: He doesn’t have a weapon at all, he just has a flashlight!
FLAPJACKS: And he needs to find batteries for the flashlight! Or else he won’t even be able to see!
MGK: What if we don’t give him anything at all?
FLAPJACKS: What if he needs to constantly find vitamins just to not die? Oh wait, I got it, our hero is diabetic and needs to take insulin every so often! He will have to search everywhere for insulin!
MGK: Which will be located in numerous desks, of course. It’s all coming together!
FLAPJACKS: But who will the big villain be? I think we should have it be a crazed scientist. He can make the awful murder monsters from people! All scientists know how to do that.
MGK: I would prefer a demon or maybe an evil ghost. That way the awful murder monsters don’t have to even conform to the slightest hint of scientific logic.
FLAPJACKS: I dunno. I think we want some degree of veracity to make players feel like this could really happen somehow. Otherwise we might as well be playing Mario Kart.
MGK: How about… it is the ghost of an evil scientist who was possessed by demons?
FLAPJACKS: Oooooh, that has some oomph to it.
MGK: Indeed! Who would not want to play this game?
FLAPJACKS: … actually I think I just want to play Mario Kart instead.
MGK: Yeah, me too. Let’s play that.
MALCOLM GLADWELL: So you see, Janey, you’re playing Go Fish incorrectly if you want to play it as efficiently as possible.
JANEY: But I want twos.
MALCOLM GLADWELL: But you asked for twos last round! Since I did not have twos, and since I have only drawn one more card, it’s highly unlikely that this most recent card was a two – in fact, we can calculate its likelihood exactly. We have played six cards between us, I have five cards in my hand and you have eight. That’s nineteen cards before I add my most recent card after you ask for twos, and since I previously had no twos and you have only one two – I assume, since you have played no twos – that means there are three twos in the remaining thirty-three cards, which means you only have a one in eleven chance of correctly getting a two if you ask for a two at this point. Maybe you should ask for another number?
JANEY: *starts crying*
ISAIAH: I want juice.
MALCOLM GLADWELL: Is it possible that you only think you want juice because seven other children so far in the class have asked for juice? Maybe you are being unknowingly coerced by Danny, who wants juice and is what we call a “connector,” because he is friends with so many other children. Danny’s desire for juice reflects on everyone he knows, and some of them in turn decide that they want juice.
ISAIAH: I don’t want juice now.
MALCOLM GLADWELL: Fascinating!
MALCOLM GLADWELL: The wheels on the bus go –
CLASS: Round round round!
MALCOLM GLADWELL: Excellent! See, what you did there was called “thin-slicing” – you continued the song from your own limited life experiences and limited knowledge. You know that wheels go round, so you finish the song yourself!
SHERRY: It was on Sesame Street yesterday.
MALCOLM GLADWELL: That still works.
LACEY: Mark’s hitting me!
MALCOLM GLADWELL: Lacey, you need to deal with Mark by out-innovating him.
MALCOLM GLADWELL: Oh, dear. That looked unpleasant. Lacey, it may end up that you are what we call a “direct hit,” and a “near miss” like Joey over there who Mark hasn’t noticed yet will be the one to out-innovate Mark, by using you as an example of what not to do.
– Blossom ran for five seasons, from 1991 to 1995. It was originally planned to run seven seasons, but after Perfect Strangers ran for eight seasons, the Gods of Television decided that there should not be a second “average at best, let’s be honest” sitcom that would run longer than I Love Lucy, Leave It To Beaver, Barney Miller, Taxi and Sanford and Son. The producers wisely obeyed the Gods of Television, who awarded the producers of Blossom with manna and honey.
– “Opinionation” is actually a scientific term meaning “I think so, but I am not willing to stake my professional credibility on that belief.”
– Michael Stoyanov, who played Blossom’s older brother Tony, has no connections whatsoever to the Spetsnaz and it would ludicrous to suggest that. Ludicrous.
– “Blossom Russo” is an anagram of “Our Moss Slobs” and maybe this means something.
– There were 114 episodes of Blossom. Of these, 173 were “very special” episodes dealing with real social issues in a comedic yet respectful way. This discrepancy has never been fully explained. A mathematician, Henry Snord, who attempted to study this mathematical quandary committed suicide in 2002. His suicide note is simply the phrase “…but Six?” repeated eleven times, with his handwriting growing looser and less defined with each repetition.
– Joey Lawrence was forced to stop saying “whoa!” in 1998 following an honor-duel with Keanu Reeves.
FLAPJACKS: Hey, do you remember that song “Friday” by Rebecca Black? The really bad one? It was famous.
ME: Yes, I remember that song. I have tried to put it well out of mind, but sadly I have failed.
FLAPJACKS: Well, guess what?
ME: She has a new song?
FLAPJACKS: But the sleazy company that put out her song has made one that is arguably even worse!
ME: Oh lord.
FLAPJACKS: We begin with a Chinese man talking Chinese over phat synth beats, as one does.
ME: Also I note that this owner of the ostensible Chinese restaurant is cooking noodles on a Mongolian grill. So Alison Gold is apparently in favour of fusion cuisine.
FLAPJACKS: That would certainly explain why the noodles are glittering and emitting rainbows.
ME: I think that’s just how Korean food works. ALL THE ASIAN FOODS IN ONE RESTAURANT!
FLAPJACKS: There is something inherently creepy about a 14-year-old girl singing about heading home after a night of clubbing. She’s fourteen. Is she supposed to be a baby-raver? Where is her glitter pacifier?
ME: You’re complaining both that her song lyric is creepy and then asking where her pacifier is, you realize.
FLAPJACKS: Only ironically.
ME: I bet Miley Cyrus says she is being ironical all the time.
FLAPJACKS: Oh man she is kicking over a trashcan because she’s SO MAD about being hungry. Alison is punk, y’all.
ME: Her lip-syncing is awful in this video. She goes from not actually being able to lip-sync along with the lines she supposedly sings to lip-syncing along with the HEY-shouters in the background of the chorus.
FLAPJACKS: I’m more impressed with how the girl taking her order is totally stoked to be working in food service. Look at her. She is so excited that this white girl has come in and is pointing excitedly at what she wants to order, presumably because said white girl thinks there is a language barrier and cannot simply say what she wants in case the strange foreigner doesn’t understand proper English, even when sung.
ME: Why would the order-taking girl be excited about that?
FLAPJACKS: I don’t know, but I don’t judge people for enjoying their work.
ME: She definitely operates that cash register like a touch-typist. That’s impressive.
FLAPJACKS: I see we’re at the “point at the different types of Chinese food” part of the video, where she names all the Chinese foods she can think of.
ME: So… broccoli, chicken wings, egg rolls, wonton soup and fortune cookies.
FLAPJACKS: I know I was making fun of her for being white before, but man, that is so white. All that’s missing are the sweet-and-sour chicken balls.
ME: …why is she befriending a man in a panda suit oh god this suddenly became terrifying
FLAPJACKS: Look, I’m sure there is a perfectly rational explanation for why they are… uh… skipping through the park together and frolicking… okay, this is definitely weird…
ME: OH GOD THEY ARE HAVING A TICKLE-FIGHT ON THE GRASS THIS IS SOME BIZARRE LOLITA SHIT RIGHT HERE
FLAPJACKS: Don’t worry, it turns out that Panda Suit Guy is actually just ARK Music Factory’s house rapper.
ME: House rapper?
FLAPJACKS: You know how restaurants have a house wine, something not fancy but which will go down acceptably enough with your meal and isn’t too expensive? ARK Music Factory has a house rapper for the parents of the kids who pay for these awful videos. The theory is roughly equivalent.
ME: OH MY GOD IS HE RAPPING IN A FAKE CHINESE ACCENT
FLAPJACKS: …yes, yes he is.
ME: WHY DID YOU MAKE ME WATCH THIS OH GOD MY SENSES SO MANY PAINS
FLAPJACKS: Oh look, they’re playing Monopoly and he landed on Oriental Avenue.
FLAPJACKS: Also, what is the deal with all these subtitles? Why are they all in different languages? Are they hoping that this will give the song “international appeal”?
ME: “Look, Alison Gold’s Parents, we know you’re spending your life savings on this video and you want to hit as many markets as possible. We’re going to do that by translating each line of the song into a different language. Then all those foreigners will see the translations of their one line of the song and teach themselves English so they can enjoy the whole song. We have charts demonstrating this.”
FLAPJACKS: “Can we see the – ”
ME: “DO NOT ASK TO SEE THE CHARTS. TRUST THE FACTORY. TRUST THE SECRET CHARTS.”
FLAPJACKS: Aaaaaaand now they’re all dressed up as geishas because all Asians are the same!
ME: I note that Alison Gold’s signature dance move is the “half-hearted shrug.”
FLAPJACKS: And the video ends with the panda flying away on a rainbow, after tossing Alison a fortune cookie with a fortune that says the panda will fly away on a rainbow.
ME: “In bed.”
FLAPJACKS: FORTUNE COOKIES ARE NEVER WRONG!
ME: But fortune cookies don’t work that way! They’re not supposed to tell you what already happened, they’re supposed to tell you the future.
FLAPJACKS: Or compliment you in a sort of kiss-ass way.
ME: “In bed.”
FLAPJACKS: But I was right, wasn’t I? I mean, this was a must watch video about food.
ME: Eh. It’s no Pizza Kids.