WrestleMania XXX: An Axel Braun Parody

Here’s your guide to the big show this Sunday. Further brilliant insight and analysis can be found on my wrasslin’ blog.

TRIPLE H VERSUS DANIEL BRYAN – The winner of this match qualifies to be the third participant in the world title match later in the show. It’s an unusual stipulation for WWE–ten years ago they would have just put all the challengers in one match, and twenty years ago they’d have leveled the playing field by making sure all the contenders wrestled twice. It’s unorthodox booking to cap off an unorthodox storyline.

Triple H turned heel on Daniel Bryan seven months ago, helping Randy Orton defeat him for the WWE championship. Since then HHH has played a caricature of an out-of-touch wrestling promoter, droning to the fans about how what they think they want isn’t “best for business.” Daniel Bryan is too small, too funny-looking, too unimpressive to be given a chance to be champion; WWE needs a tall, sleek, tan figure like Orton to be the face of the company. Essentially Hunter is playing a caricature of himself, emphasizing the reputation he has (deserved or not) for holding down wrestlers who don’t fit the mold he comes from.

As recently as January, it wasn’t clear that Bryan’s war with “the authority” was going to go anywhere; it seemed like he’d been fed to HHH and Orton to build them up for some other rivalry at Wrestlemania. But when live audiences started to realize Bryan was being moved down the card, they rallied around him until there was little choice but to set up this match, with this stipulation. It’s hard to say if it was all by accident or design. What is clear, though, is that Bryan is over for more than just being a strong technical wrestler, or a legend from the indies, or an “internet darling.” All that nerd credibility aside, he’s been the focal good guy in WWE storylines for the better part of a year, to the point that even casual fans see him as the #1 hero. With CM Punk abruptly walking away from the promotion and John Cena long past stale, there just isn’t anybody else for crowds to really get behind.

With that in mind, it’s almost inconceivable that Bryan can lose this match. Perhaps for that reason, WWE has worked very hard to make Triple H seem as unstoppable as possible. Logic would dictate that the hero has to prevail here, but politics suggest that you can’t rule out HHH booking himself to win in spite of common sense. So that gives this match a real irresistible force/immovable object feel, which is just what I want at Wrestlemania. Whatever happens, it’s bound to be exciting. I must admit I’d like to see the spectacle of the Superdome shitting all over a Triple H victory, but nevertheless I’m picking Bryan to win.

JOHN CENA VERSUS BRAY WYATT – Cena has been WWE’s tippy-toppiest guy since Wrestlemania XXI. That was, like, IX Wrestlemanias ago. Steve Austin, the Rock, and Hulk Hogan never held that spot as long as Cena has. Simply throwing him into the world title match of this show would be old hat at this point. Instead we get this feud, which is being set up like some kind of pass-the-torch moment. The hot new star for Cena to give the rub to is Bray Wyatt.

Frankly I don’t get Bray Wyatt. He leads the Wyatt Family, the latest in a long line of wrestling cults. And like Raven’s Flock and Kevin Sullivan’s Dungeon of Doom, I don’t buy the hype. Bray rambles incoherently just like Sean O’Haire and Waylon Mercy, and I never gave a shit about those guys either. Now I’m supposed to be awestruck that he’s playing mindgames with Cena by arguing that he’s not the people’s hero. Fans have been booing Cena out of arenas for most of his career, so I’m not sure why this is some mind-blowing revelation.

This is one of those rivalries where nothing is accomplished by having the established name win; the only outcome that makes the match mean anything is for the the top guy to put the rising star over. On the other hand, that logic has caused a lot of people to bet against Cena in a lot of matches, and he’s steamrolled over nearly everyone for the last nine years. WWE is trying a little too hard to convince me he’s facing certain defeat. Even if they mean to give Wyatt a big win, something tells me they’ll get cold feet and stick with a pat hand.

THE UNDERTAKER VERSUS BROCK LESNAR – In 2010, Taker attended one of Brock Lesnar’s last UFC fights, and they had a staredown that had the wrestling world going apeshit. Now, finally, we get to see the match. Lesnar’s manager, Paul Heyman, did a great interview tying this together with last year’s Taker vs. CM Punk Wrestlemania match. Basically, Heyman and Punk wanted to break Undertaker’s “never lost at Mania” streak; they failed and turned on one another; now Punk is gone and Heyman wants revenge.

There is increasing talk about whether Taker can still go at his age. After three years of feuds revolving around making him seem vulnerable, it’s become substantially harder to convince people that he’s an immortal wrestling death god rather than a 49-year-old man. It’s also impossible to believe Lesnar has any chance of winning this match. Still, I expect that from bell to bell all that goes out the window, and I will believe in a UFC champion/shaved bear beating the shit out of a dark overlord of the universe. When the smoke clears, I expect Taker improves to 22-0.

THE SHIELD VERSUS KANE & THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS – WWE spent the better part of the winter teasing that the Shield (Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, and Seth Rollins) would break up and be fighting amongst themselves by now. But then a couple of weeks ago I guess someone in WWE discovered Tumblr, because now they’ve turned face and they’re together forever just like in my OT3 slash fanfiction! They’ve been feuding with Kane, who went all suit-and-tie corporate a few months back. Ordinarily, Corporate Kane would deal with such insolence by sending the Shield to attack his enemies, but uh, I guess now that won’t work. So he’s teaming up with Road Dogg Jesse Jammes and Badd Ass Billy Gunn, of all people. In a battle between 2014 and 1999, I kinda have to go with 2014.

AJ LEE VERSUS EVERYBODY ELSE – AJ is the women’s champion and walked out of a title defense, so as punishment she’s being forced to defend her title against the entire women’s roster. It’s every woman for herself, one fall to a finish. So it’s sort of like a fatal four-way, except it’s more like a fatal fourteen-way. The obvious purpose of this match is to get all the women on the show in as few matches as possible. They’ve done this before with lumberjack matches and battle royals, but I think this time they may have booked the clusterfuck to end all clusterfucks.

I would have preferred to see one challenger rise from the pack as the obvious choice to face AJ one-on-one, but WWE has failed to develop such a clear #1 contender. That makes the finish hard to predict. The stars of the Total Divas reality show (Natalya, Brie and Nikki Bella, Naomi, Cameron, Eva Marie, and Summer Rae) are presumably in line for a push, but only one of them can get that belt. Tamina Snuka just had a big falling out with AJ, but their new rivalry isn’t exactly setting the world on fire. Emma, Aksana, Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendes, and Layla are dark horses–it’s pretty weird to have a match with five dark horses, but their you go. As for AJ herself, I think she’s going to go on to have a good year, but I’m pretty sure that will involve her losing the title here and getting it back later.

I’m gonna pick Naomi to win. She gained my sympathies when she suffered an eye injury she had a few weeks ago. And now her swank-looking eyepatch says to me “I fight for a living and it’ll take a lot more than this to keep me from kicking your ass.” Naomi is awesome.

THE USOS VERSUS THE REAL AMERICANS VERSUS RYBAXEL VERSUS LOS MATADORES – If you heard tag team wrestling was revitalized in 2013, don’t worry–WWE found a way to fuck it up again. The Shield has moved on to other things, the Wyatts were never really contending for the tag titles, the New Age Outlaws are really old, and Goldust and Cody Rhodes seem to have dropped off the face of the earth. That’s not to say these four teams suck or anything, but they’ve been left to prop up the division and they can’t do it alone.

This match is for the tag team championship. The Usos are the defending champions. The Real Americans are an anti-immigration Tea Party gimmick that ran its course a year ago. Ryback and Curtis Axel are buddies who literally have nothing better to do. Los Matadores are Puerto Ricans pretending to be Mexican bullfighters with a little guy dressed up like a bull. I’m not sure it matters who wins this one, so I’ll stick with the Usos to retain.

THE ANDRE THE GIANT MEMORIAL BATTLE ROYAL – Andre the Giant has a posse, and they’re all gonna be in the ring at the same time kicking each other’s asses. The last man left in the ring will be awarded a trophy. Bryan Alvarez has made an excellent running joke out of the idea that the trophy will be a life-sized statue of Andre, and thus be SEVEN FEET TALL and made of SOLID GOLD~!

So far 27 of the 30 participants have been named, which is better than WWE usually does for the Royal Rumble. At this point, the only people left who aren’t booked on this card are nobodies like David Otunga and Curt Hawkins, developmental talent like Sami Zayn and Adrian Neville, or retired old-timers like Ric Flair or the Ultimate Warrior. So it’ll be interesting to see who makes the final cut and who doesn’t.

The big question of this match is whether WWE will follow through and treat the winner like a big deal, or just blow it off like a random undercard thing. If they’re serious about making this match feel like an important annual event, then I think the winner needs to be someone who’s bound to get a big push. So as much as I’d love to see Mark Henry destroy everybody, I have to think somebody like Alexander Rusev will win the trophy. Hopefully the trophy will not be immediately smashed over somebody’s head, but it is wrestling and all.

RANDY ORTON VERSUS BATISTA VERSUS ????? – The third man in the match will be the winner of Triple H vs. Daniel Bryan. Orton defends his WWE world title here. (For years I’ve struggled to explain why WWE has a WWE championship of the world and a world championship of WWE, but no more! Orton unified those titles a few months ago.)

From what I can tell, the original plan was for Batista to make his big return after leaving WWE in 2010, win the Royal Rumble, and get the big heroic moment at Wrestlemania by winning the world title from the hated Randy Orton. Instead the fans collectively said “Wait, that means Daniel Bryan is getting shafted” and proceeded to boo the everloving fuck out of Batista at the Royal Rumble. You know that Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns can’t tell if they’re saying “boo” or “Boo-urns”? Well, WWE fans have literally been chanting “boo” AND “Boo-tista” at this poor clod. It’s amazing.

Assuming Daniel Bryan gets added to this match, you have the natural storyline of the little underdog and the overrated prima donna both gunning for the same title. Moreover, Bryan’s deal is to get the whole crowd chanting “YES” and Batista’s whole deal is that he is booed everywhere he goes. This is as literal a battle between YAAAAAAYYYYY and BOOOOOOOOO as pro wrestling can get. I am psyched for this. I have to go with my heart and pick Bryan to finally get his big title victory.

Assuming Triple H gets added to this match, you’ll have a Wrestlemania main event featuring three heels and no babyfaces. I think there would be a legitimate risk of somebody getting stabbed. It’d be interesting to say the least. I pick Hunter to win in this scenario, because if he’d dare go this route, he’d have to go all the way with it.

In other news, Randy Orton is also apparently in this match and nobody gives a shit about him.

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