SCENE: A STUDIO BIGWIG and his three JUNIOR EXECUTIVES sit at a table.

BIGWIG: You know, other junior executives would have folded in the face of an economic downturn, but not my indefatigable team of four executives.
(The FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE looks around, confused.)
FIRST: Four comes after three, right?
BIGWIG: Oh, yes, that’s right. I fired Four because he ate my turkey sandwich. Or possibly because he greenlit Land of the Lost. It’s so hard to remember.
SECOND JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: That’s right. You have a lot on your plate.
FIRST: Except for the turkey sandwich.
THIRD JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Also, you fired Four three years ago.
BIGWIG: And I care about that why? Four was dead weight. Look what you three have done! One, G-Force will break the $100 million dollar mark this weekend. I admit, when you came to me and said that you had a movie about mutant guinea pigs with super-death exercise balls, I was skeptical, but I cannot argue with your results.
FIRST: In the sequel, the guinea pigs will fart more! It’ll be even better with more farting! I actually want to show you some of the concept sketches: we have a new character, a hamster named Farty. You’ll never guess what he does!
BIGWIG: I’m sure. Two, The Ugly Truth continues to be one of the romantic comedy hits of the season, and another notch on your impressive string in this area.
SECOND: Wasn’t hard, boss. It works because it acknowledges what we all know: women like shoes, men like to fuck.
BIGWIG: Yes. And Three, you’ve had some success in the romance area as well, haven’t you? The opening for The Time Traveler’s Wife is excellent, and I put that down to your advice to change the book’s original plot and give it a happy ending.
THIRD: I was being sarcastic when I said that.
BIGWIG: Regardless. Given your series of successes, gentlemen, I have decided to combine your powers for our next romantic comedy box office success. We have Kristen Bell under contract. Everything else is on the table. Go.
FIRST: Kristen Bell is a witch and she falls in love with a man-witch!
SECOND: She falls in love with a Manwich?
THIRD: I vote we think of something else.
BIGWIG: Perhaps, but One has a point. I think adding a layer of magical fantasy is exactly what this prospective romantic comedy needs. Think outside the box, gentlemen. Start with Ms. Bell’s character being a standard anal-retentive uptight romantic comedy heroine who needs a good man to loosen her up and enjoy life, and go from there. But outside the box!
SECOND: …she goes to Italy!
THIRD: Italy is outside the box?
SECOND: It’s outside the continental United States. That’s like a box.
FIRST: And while she is in Italy, she becomes a witch!
BIGWIG: No witches.
FIRST: While she is in Italy, she meets Popeye!
BIGWIG: No Popeye.
FIRST: Aw.
SECOND: While she’s in Italy she meets a hunky guy and falls for him, but secretly he is a vampire?
THIRD: Vampires are played out.
BIGWIG: Also, movies that feature clean-cut American girls falling for Euro-studs tend to tank. The American audience wants to see Americans boinking Americans, not foreigners.
THIRD: “Boinking”?
BIGWIG: This movie will be PG-13.
SECOND: I got it! She goes to Italy, meets a hunky American who is also in Italy, and they have an Italian romance without any of the annoying Italian-ness.
BIGWIG: An acceptable framework, Two, but on its own it is a little bland. This is why One is here: we need something unexpected so that the movie has a hook. Something we can sell in a thirty-minute ad.
FIRST: …there is a magic love fountain!
SECOND: (snickers)
BIGWIG: Be quiet, Two. Continue, One.
FIRST: If you jump in the fountain and make a wish, you fall in love with somebody! But she jumps in the fountain and then meets the guy and she’s not sure if it’s true love or if it’s just fountain love. Is that good?
BIGWIG: It’s a start, but it doesn’t have a wacky misunderstanding. Three? Can you find room for a wacky misunderstanding or three?
THIRD (sighs) Look, what if the fountain -
FIRST: The magic love fountain.
THIRD: What if the magic love fountain works in a way that lets multiple people fall in love with her all at the same time? Then she could have to fend off inappropriate advances from somebody who clearly will never be the lead in a romantic comedy. It’s creepy but safe.
BIGWIG: Excellent, Three. I believe we have Dax Shepard available for just such an occasion.
SECOND: In addition to Dax Shepard, maybe we could have some greasy Italians fall in love with her as well? Then we can have Dax being weird funny and Italians being greasy funny. It’ll mix things up.
FIRST: Dax Whoever isn’t enough! I say we put in lots of comedy weirdos! Let’s put in the guy who does that thing, and the short fat old guy, and the guy who’s all “come on!”
BIGWIG: …Three, what is he saying?
THIRD: He’s saying we should also cast Jon Heder, Danny Devito and Will Arnett as other people who fall in love with Kirsten Bell because of the magic fountain.
BIGWIG: And our romantic lead is… one second, let me see who I have in my Filofax… Josh DuHamel owes me a favour. Is he acceptably bland leading-man material? I’ve never seen him in anything.
SECOND: He’s got abs like a Greek god and the personality of oatmeal. He’s perfect!
THIRD: And I assume that the movie will tease that Josh DuHamel only falls in love with the girl because of the magic fountain, but in reality he never has anything to do with the magic fountain and his love is genuine?
BIGWIG: But of course. All right, gentlemen, it looks like we have this all ready to go. Call the screenwriters, throw in some Italian-themed comedy moments and maybe some minor male nudity, and I think we’re good to go.
SECOND: I’ll tell them to include an Italian wedding. Nothing like a wedding for making fun of ethnic people! Especially Italians.
THIRD: Okay, I knew about your issues with women, but what do you have against Italians?
SECOND: They know what they did.

SCENE: A STUDIO BIGWIG and his three JUNIOR EXECUTIVES sit at a table.

BIGWIG: We have had a very good run of late, haven’t we? I was amazed, One, that you managed to pull back the entire cast of the original The Fast and the Furious to make a sequel to The Fast And The Furious despite the fact that we’ve already made at least two sequels to that movie, one of which had none of them in it.
FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Vin Diesel asked if I had any spare change!
BIGWIG: And Two, remaking The Women as a “Sex In The City” clone? Outstanding.
SECOND JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Some girl I was trying to nail made me watch the original, and I thought “why aren’t they talking about men more?” And I ran with it.
BIGWIG: And Three… well, I’m not sure how you tricked me into making Hamlet 2, but it seems to have been a success for us, so I can’t blame you for that.
THIRD JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: I misrepresented it to you as an actual sequel to Hamlet, and disingenuously suggested that we might possibly cast Jason Statham as Fortinbras.
BIGWIG: You’re learning to play the game, Three. This pleases me. But now, gentlement, to business. We have Dane Cook under contract for several more movies, and I plan to maximize our use of this investment before his career collapses into a black hole from whence nothing can escape.
FIRST: Batman fights Popeye! Batman fights Popeye!
BIGWIG: One, we have been over this: so long as we have no means of blackmailing Christopher Nolan, your concept of Batman and Popeye fighting each other in outer space has to remain on the backburner.
FIRST: Aw.
SECOND: I have an idea. Let’s cast Dane Cook as a suave, romantic leading man type. Let’s make him classy.
BIGWIG: And then…
SECOND: And then he fucks Eva Longoria, but leaves her for a hooker with a heart of gold.
THIRD: She wouldn’t go out with you?
SECOND: I was going to buy her lobster and everything!
BIGWIG: I do not like your idea, Two. Three, hit me.
THIRD: I say we cut our losses. Dane Cook is an unlikable asshole, and the public is rapidly realizing that. He can get by as a standup, because you don’t have to like a standup, but as a leading man he’s worthless.
BIGWIG: Interesting. You have said something of merit.
THIRD: So we’re going to cancel the project?
BIGWIG: Don’t be stupid, Three. We are going to use your observation to our advantage. Gentlemen, we are going to make a romantic comedy which stars Dane Cook as an unlikable asshole.
FIRST: Fantastic!
SECOND: Brilliant!
THIRD: Oh sweet Jesus.
BIGWIG: We will do this by making use of the canard that hot girls secretly want to be with assholes. Dane Cook’s character will be an asshole, but all the other guys in the movie will be enormous wimpy baby-men, thus making Dane Cook look attractive in comparison.
SECOND: Wait, wait, and when Dane Cook has doubts that being an asshole is the right thing to do, we can have Alex Baldwin give him a speech about how being an asshole is the best thing in the whole world!
FIRST: Why Alec Baldwin?
SECOND: Because he’s an asshole who essentially gets paid to play an asshole in movies and on TV.
BIGWIG: I like this idea, Two. We shall use it.
FIRST: Can we call Dane Cook’s character “Tank”? I knew a guy in high school who beat up nerds, and he was called “Tank.”
BIGWIG: Excellent idea, One.
THIRD: Look, seriously – I don’t think this movie can work. You’d need the world’s most emasculated, most non-aggressive, most – oh, hell, you’re going to cast Jason Biggs as the lead whiny man, aren’t you?
BIGWIG: Precisely, Three. As I said, you learn quickly, and this pleases me. We will also find a variety of other nerdy, non-manly actors that Tank will “help” by treating their ladies like total crap, convincing these women that whiny, clingy passive-aggressive schmucks are the absolute best they can manage.
THIRD: …but that’s not a story, that’s a plot setup. For there to be a plot you need to introduce conflict. That means Tank actually has to fall for Jason Biggs’ girlfriend for real…
BIGWIG: Impressive. Most impressive.
SECOND: Can we get Kate Hudson to play Tank’s girlfriend?
THIRD: Are you over Eva Longoria already?
SECOND: I’ve moved on. There are plenty of whores on the street, my friend.
THIRD: Don’t you mean “fish in the sea”?
SECOND: I know what I said.
FIRST: Ooh, ooh, ooh, I have an idea!
BIGWIG: Do tell.
FIRST: Let’s shave off Jason Biggs’ eyebrows!
BIGWIG: In the movie, you mean?
FIRST: …that works too.
BIGWIG: Good. And yes, Two, I believe we can get Kate Hudson to star as our romantic interest in this film. We will tell her she is the new Meg Ryan, and that appearing in a string of romantic comedies is the only way for her to achieve film immortality and a successful career. When we contact her, be sure to use the phrase “just like Bogie and Bacall.”
SECOND: Who the fuck are they?
BIGWIG: Just do as I say. Trust me, she’ll flip if you say that.
SECOND: ….reeeeeeeallly…
THIRD: Not like that, dumbass.
BIGWIG: Actually, I understand that’s how Chris Robinson got her to marry him. Well, gentlemen, I believe we’ve worked out the kinks here. Send the notes down to the script monkeys and have them hammer out something PG-13ish, flirting with a light R.
THIRD: Let me guess: a scene in a strip club, but no actual nudity? Daring without being daring?
BIGWIG: Precisely.
FIRST: Wait! I think a movie like this needs a prestige director. Like that guy who directed King Kong.
THIRD: There is no possible way we will get Peter Jackson to touch this.
FIRST: No, I mean the one about the video game.
THIRD: …you mean The King of Kong? The documentary? I don’t think this is his kind of -
BIGWIG: It is if we pay him a lot of money. Right: let’s get this movie made, people. Somebody has to finance the big blockbusters with a chain of solid C-level money-generators this week, and that somebody is us. Three, why are you shuddering?
THIRD: …no reason.

SCENE: A STUDIO BIGWIG and his three JUNIOR EXECUTIVES sit at a table.

BIGWIG: All right. As you know, today is Number Two’s birthday. Do not giggle, Number One.
FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: …but… so funny…
THIRD JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Deep breaths. Come on.
BIGWIG: Yes. As it is his birthday, and I have an opening in my slate – don’t giggle, Number One -
FIRST: Aw.
BIGWIG: Ahem. As it is his birthday, we are going to allow him to pitch an idea wholly and entirely on his own, and after we work it through, we will make it. Are you ready, Two?
SECOND JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: I am pumped and primed and ready to go, sir.
BIGWIG: Good. Hit me.
SECOND: So there’s this whore -
THIRD: Oh, come on!
BIGWIG: Now, now, Three. We don’t interrupt. Remember your last birthday, we didn’t interrupt you, and what did you end up getting me to greenlight?
THIRD: Lars and the Real Girl.
BIGWIG: Do you remember how hard it was to keep Two from interrupting? So now you will be quiet. It is his turn.
SECOND: Thank you, sir.
BIGWIG: Not at all. Continue.
SECOND: So there’s this whore, and she’s turns twenty-seven, so she’s too worn out to be a quality prostitute like guys like.
BIGWIG: …is this a character detail, or…?
SECOND: Oh, no, no. This motivates the plot.
BIGWIG: Ah. And this is a drama, I take it?
SECOND: I was thinking wacky comedy.
THIRD: Oh -
BIGWIG: Ut! Not yet. Continue telling us about your wacky comedy.
SECOND: So our hooker needs a new job, so she becomes a den mother for a group of outcast girls at some good college somewhere.
BIGWIG: All right, that sounds -
SECOND: And she helps them become cool by teaching them how to act like whores.
The BIGWIG glances at THIRD.
BIGWIG: Oh, all right.
THIRD: Are you insane? That’s the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life!
FIRST: What about that time we had Joe Francis in here to talk about a fictionalized movie version of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? You were really offended then -
THIRD: Okay, second most offended.
FIRST: And then there was the time -
THIRD: Yes, yes, okay, look, this at least makes top ten.
SECOND: I haven’t even gotten to the subplot with the priggish evil den mother yet! Come on! I didn’t say anything when you told us about the movie with the sex dolls, and you know the movie would have been better with a six-doll orgy!
BIGWIG: This is a good point. The birthday pitch has to be given fair consideration. However, may I suggest a few changes?
SECOND: Of course.
BIGWIG: Instead of a prostitute, let us make her a Playboy Bunny.
FIRST: With floppy ears!
THIRD: Kind of.
FIRST: And we’ll give her some lettuce!
THIRD: Not that type of bunny.
BIGWIG: If she is a Playboy Bunny, we can get a pretty actress nearing thirty to play the lead and the fact that she is still pretty will underscore the comic aspects of her not being allowed to be a Playboy Bunny any longer.
FIRST: Maybe we can even get an actress over thirty!
BIGWIG: Don’t be stupid. We will also get a bunch of hot young actresses to play the outcast girls so that the heroine can make them into hot sexy Playboy Bunnies as well. It’ll be just like it was in She’s All That. They will wear glasses, then they will take off the glasses and become hot and sexy.
THIRD: And the rest of the plot?
BIGWIG: We keep it as is. We’ll introduce a love interest for the heroine so she can be reformed into polite society, of course.
SECOND: I thought she should remain a whore in my original notes, but I guess I can bend with it.
THIRD: Aren’t you concerned about the message this sends? That women can only be happy and popular if they’re pretty?
BIGWIG: Because I was so deeply concerned about the social message sent by four consecutive Steven Seagal action movies in my prime? Come on now.
THIRD: Sir, i seriously think a movie like this will backfire on us. There’ll be a social outcry.
BIGWIG: Repeat after me: “we’re just using the basic plot elements of Revenge of the Nerds, except that this time, the nerds are girls.” Anybody complains, we keep repeating that until they shut up. Now let’s go get this made.
FIRST: I can’t wait for my birthday. I have this idea where Batman fights Popeye in outer space.
All are silent.
BIGWIG: Work on it some more, kid.

SCENE: A STUDIO BIGWIG and his three JUNIOR EXECUTIVES sit at a table.

STUDIO BIGWIG: Gentlemen, I just wanted to give you your due. The Hottie and the Nottie will just barely break even without making a profit. Number one, your slate of Dane Cook romantic comedies for the next two years is awe-inspiring. Number two, your decision to cast Nicole Kidman in The Golden Compass and thus draw any element of human compassion out of the movie ended the threat of a Philip Pullman-based movie franchise. And number three… well, you kept number one from eating gravel that one time.
FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: I thought it was rock salt.
SECOND JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Why would you want to eat rock salt?
FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: I wanted to eat something cubical.
THIRD JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: He did.
BIGWIG: Regardless, gentlemen, this is no time for us to rest on our laurels. We have to press forward and make enormous amounts of money without generating a profit on the books. And to this end, I have signed Mike Myers to a live-action movie deal.
(Silence.)
THIRD: The Shrek guy.
FIRST: Oh, him! I love it when he makes the ogre fart.
SECOND: Right, right. So what do we do with him?
BIGWIG: Myers has expressed interest in an idea he calls The Love Swami. In this, he plays a swami from India -
THIRD: Wait, Mike Myers is going to play a swami?
BIGWIG: Or something like that, yes.
THIRD: He’s not exactly… Indian-looking.
BIGWIG: Oh, good heavens. He’s not going to play an Indian. That would be racist.
THIRD: Good.
BIGWIG: Instead, he will play a white man who was raised in India and thus talks and acts funny just like an Indian would and plays up all the cultural stereotypes, but it’s not racist because we acknowledge that he’s white and therefore we’re embracing the wonderful diversity of the world.
FIRST: Remember what we learned in business school? “If your lead is white, then it’s all right.”
THIRD: What business school did you go to?
FIRST: I don’t remember the name, but we got free milkshakes every day and there was a clown.
THIRD: That sounds less like business school and more like working at a McDonald’s.
FIRST: Possibly!
SECOND: Getting back to Myers… so he’s a swami. Heh. That sounds dirty. “Love swami.”
(The BIGWIG eyes SECOND suspiciously.)
BIGWIG: You have a point. He is no longer a swami. He is now a guru.
SECOND: Aww…
BIGWIG: Anyway. He is a guru and he comes to America to teach Americans about guru things, and the Toronto Maple Leafs hire him to -
THIRD: Wait, wait. He comes to America and the Toronto Maple Leafs hire him for something?
BIGWIG: Yeah – Myers wants to use the Leafs in his movie, he’s a fan.
THIRD: But Toronto isn’t in America.
BIGWIG: What percentage of our target audience will both know that and care?
THIRD: Never mind.
BIGWIG: You’re learning. So, he comes to America and the Toronto Maple Leafs hire him to counsel one of their players. We will need a young, up-and-coming black actor -
THIRD: We’re getting a black actor to play a professional hockey player?
BIGWIG: Is this another “accuracy” thing?
THIRD: Well, technically it’s not wrong, since there are a few black hockey players. It’s just a bit odd. Most hockey players are, you know. White.
FIRST: That makes our movie even more not racist, then, because we’re making somebody who normally would be white instead be black!
SECOND: We’re challenging preconceptions!
FIRST: Shaking up the thought-box!
SECOND: Making waves!
FIRST: Confronting our inner Hamburglars!
BIGWIG: Precisely.
SECOND: Besides, if you have an athlete in a movie he usually has to be black, because black people are athletic.
THIRD: Oh, god.
BIGWIG: However, right now all I have for a proposal other than that basic idea is five pages of scribbling from Myers about how he wants to make his dead father proud of him by making the same sorts of comedy movies his dead father loved.
SECOND: Wow. Issues.
BIGWIG: The last page is just “I love you, Daddy” written over and over again. I think he may have been crying while he wrote it. So we need to flesh this movie out a bit more. Ideas?
FIRST: Mini-Me! We need Mini-Me!
THIRD: It’s not an Austin Powers movie.
FIRST: So what? We can throw Mini-Me -
THIRD: – Verne Troyer -
FIRST: – we can throw Mini-Me into the script and Myers can make a lot of jokes about Mini-Me being very short!
BIGWIG: Interesting. I like it. It does what has already been done many times, and I like doing things which have already made us a lot of money. We will hire him immediately. Next idea.
SECOND: This movie needs a love interest. The Love Guru needs somebody to fuck. Then we can make a lot of jokes about titties and erections.
BIGWIG: I am sure Mike Myers would like to make jokes about those things. Who can we get on short notice?
SECOND: Please. Jessica Alba. Please.
THIRD: She can’t act and has the comic timing of a dead frog.
SECOND: Yes, but she has a fantastic ass.
THIRD: But -
SECOND: Nobody’s going to go see this movie for the love interest! They’re going to go see a movie where Mike Myers, who is a giant schlump, gets to fuck Jessica Alba!
BIGWIG: Good reasoning.
SECOND: And then he comes on her face and calls her a dirty whore.
BIGWIG: I think we’ll skip that part.
SECOND: Aww…
THIRD: Oh, incidentally, Justin Timberlake’s agent called us last week; he’s interested in working on a silly comedy. This would seem to fit the bill. Should we call him and sign him?
BIGWIG: Very proactive of you! But what will he do in the movie?
FIRST: He can talk with a funny accent!
THIRD: Isn’t Mike Myers already going to be talking with an accent?
FIRST: Yes, I know, I meant a different funny accent. Wait, this is a movie about hockey and stuff, right?
THIRD: I lost track some time ago.
FIRST: So he can talk with a Quebec accent! He can say things like “tabernac,” and we can give him a 70s porn moustache because everybody in Quebec has one of those.
BIGWIG: Do they?
FIRST: That’s what my mother told me.
BIGWIG: Well, I’m sure she wouldn’t lie. But a funny accent is only a start. We also need to give him a comedic shtick.
SECOND: …he has a giant cock!
THIRD: He has a giant cock. This is funny.
SECOND: Yes!
BIGWIG: Maybe we can work on it a bit, but it’s not the worst comedic hook I’ve ever heard.
SECOND: Then he fucks Jessica Alba and calls her a dirty whore.
THIRD: What the hell is your problem?
SECOND: I just like prostitutes.
BIGWIG: Regardless. Gentlemen, i think we have the concept wrapped up here. I’ll send it down to the writers and we’ll get this thing done.
FIRST: Hooray! Time for rock salt!
THIRD: …that’s gravel again.

SCENE: A crummy-looking producer’s office. The walls are covered with posters detailing past glories – such as they are, we’re talking mostly budget SF/horror flicks and one Hallmark made-for-TV movie that won some technical awards. A SMALLWIG is sitting behind the desk, which is covered in mounds of paper. His LACKEY brings him coffee.

SMALLWIG: Okay, I got fifty grand from ABC and more coming from Sci-Fi. We need a project, stat.
LACKEY: What type of project?
SMALLWIG: Something nerds will like. I don’t have a distribution deal yet.
LACKEY: They gave you funding without giving you a distribution deal?
SMALLWIG: I think it’s a tax write-off for them. More money for us.
LACKEY: So why does it have to be something nerds will like? We could go upscale, make an indie drama -
SMALLWIG: Kid, I know I promised my sister I’d show you the ropes, but you got to stop saying stupid crap like that. What’s the first rule I told you when you came in here, day one?
LACKEY: “Buy the donut store coffee, not the Folger’s. Schmucks drink Folger’s.”
SMALLWIG: Not that.
LACKEY: “If you put mayo on my pastrami sandwich next time it’s your ass.”
SMALLWIG: Get past lunchtime.
LACKEY: Oh. “If you want to go broke in a hurry, make an indie drama.”
SMALLWIG: Right.
LACKEY: But we got that great script, Uncle Bernie. It’s funny, it’s clever -
SMALLWIG: And the best we could do for stars was George Wendt. Kid, people say they want indie drama, but what they really want is standard Hollywood, just not as crappy, and we don’t got the connections for that. Capice? Good. Now, where was I?
LACKEY: “Something nerds will like.”
SMALLWIG: Right. So here’s my thinking. We don’t got a distribution deal. No TV, no movie release, nothing. So we got to build buzz the old-fashioned way.
LACKEY: Bribe reporters to say we’re criminally ignored and build up cachet?
SMALLWIG: Good thinking, maybe later, but no. I think we got to use the Internet like you always say.
LACKEY: Really? So my memo on Youtube and -
SMALLWIG: Shut up, kid. Here’s what we do. We got to get one of those fan-film directors. They’ll work cheap and they got an existing fanbase of loser dorks who will do nothing but talk up the movie.
LACKEY: Good idea, Uncle Bernie.
SMALLWIG: Course it is. Might even save money on overhead if we can get his nerd friends to work cheap for us.
LACKEY: And then what? Do we get him to execute his brilliant original vision?
SMALLWIG: Right, because I want original vision from someone whose big idea was to do what George Lucas already did except with crappier actors.
LACKEY: …the slush pile?
LACKEY gestures at a towering, precariously balanced pile of scripts.
SMALLWIG: Not yet. We go in there later, find what we need, “adapt” it. But what’ll this potential audience of ours like, right? What do nerds on the internet like?
LACKEY: Battlestar Galactica?
SMALLWIG: Too fresh. We need something that’s been out of the public eye for a little while so nobody outright accuses us of plagarism. Especially lawyers.
LACKEY: How about Firefly? It’s got those rabid fans -
SMALLWIG: And it’s been out of production for a while. Good thinking. Plus, those particular fans are so hungry for anything that even looks like their show that they’ll ignore how crap our show is. Look through the headshot file later and see if we can get anybody who looks vaguely like the captain guy.
LACKEY: Nathan Fillion?
SMALLWIG: That’s the one. But now we got to come up with a twist so it’s all original and ours. Right. So it’s Firefly. What does it meet?
LACKEY: Huh?
SMALLWIG: What does it meet? You know, “Predator meets Waitress.” That sorta thing. Firefly meets…
LACKEY: Das Boot!
SMALLWIG: Interesting, a sorta outer-space submarine war flick. Oh, and we could do it for cheap because the entire set could be the sub. That one’s got potential, but I got favors that are coming due with some CGI guys and I wanna big space battle and stuff. Write me two pages on it for later use, though.
LACKEY: Okay. Uh… Firefly meets… Total Recall?
SMALLWIG: What, so they’re on Mars? Boring. Next.
LACKEY: Underworld?
SMALLWIG: Vampires and werewolves in space. Uh huh. Next.
LACKEY: The Matrix?
SMALLWIG: Kid, you’re killing me here.
LACKEY (getting desperate): …Aliens?
The SMALLWIG chews his cigar thoughtfully.
SMALLWIG: Yeah. I can see that. So say the captain guy is back in the army during the war days, and they’re fighting on a planet, and then they, I dunno, blow up a hole somewhere they shouldn’t, and the aliens come out of the hole.
LACKEY: Can we do that?
SMALLWIG: Course we can. Oh, and we can also do the “two sides have to team up” bit. You know, to survive against the aliens, both sides of humans have to fight back-to-back. People eat that shit up.
LACKEY (leafing through headshots): I got an “Aaron Matthias” here, looks kind of like Nathan Fillion.
SMALLWIG: Good. Get him. Also make sure to get at least one Asian chick and one black guy. You know, for diversity. I’ll go through the slush pile later today and take what we need, hand it to Dougie for “repolishing,” script’ll be done by Friday.
LACKEY: …so how do we make money on this?
SMALLWIG: Make money? Ha! Nah, we take a nice juicy producer’s credit, and with it a producer’s paycheque from the budget of the movie. Then we put the thing up on the Internet, like, in ten or twelve episodes or whatever, and we use those tricks you were talking about to inflate hit count, and we use it to try and get a proper production deal somewhere else.
LACKEY: Man, Uncle Bernie, you got this down cold.
SMALLWIG: Damn straight.

SCENE. A studio BIGWIG and his three JUNIOR EXECUTIVES are sitting in his office.

BIGWIG: I find myself in a disagreeable mood, boys.
FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Oh, no!
SECOND JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: We’ll do anything to make it better!
THIRD JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: They really will.
BIGWIG: I appreciate that. But I need only answers. How much money has Underdog made?
FIRST: Well, it has made about thirty-two million dollars.
BIGWIG: And how much did it cost us?
THIRD: Production cost about sixty. Advertising probably ran us another five to ten.
BIGWIG: Yes. I know the numbers. I was asking for rhetorical purposes. The actual question being asked was “why has Underdog not made us a very large pile of money?”
THIRD (shrugging): It’ll probably end up covering its budget after about a year of DVD rentals and sales. Maybe some of the television buys as well.
BIGWIG: …so you’re saying it will make a profit?
THIRD (recognizing a trap when he sees one): Oh heavens no. It’ll come very close to making a profit.
FIRST: But it won’t make one.
SECOND: Forrest Gump lost money, so how could Underdog turn a profit? I ask you.
BIGWIG: Again, you are answering appropriately but you are not telling me what I need to know here.
FIRST: Bad timing. Underdog arrived at the height of a cat paradigm.
SECOND: Yes. Everybody wants to see cats speaking broken English and talking about cheeseburgers. Don’t worry, I’m on it. Lolcats: The Movie is already in pre-production.
THIRD: The talking dog looked creepy, the jokes sucked, and somebody cast James Belushi in it.
BIGWIG stares at him.
THIRD: But mostly it was the dog. We need to get new CGI guys.
BIGWIG: Indeed. However, I feel we need to get away from lighter fare and make a gritty picture for older people.
FIRST: A costume drama! We’ll take a Jane Austen novel and film it! Demi Moore is… uh… one of those Jane Austen ladies!
SECOND: But they’re all cyborgs! In the future! And they all speak hacker! Pride and Net-judice!
FIRST: And then the dinosaur attacks!
SECOND: And then they travel through time!
THIRD: Oh god, it’s Van Helsing all over again.
BIGWIG: Mmm. Yes. While your ideas are of course valued, I already have a concept in place that I have licensed from a popular video game. We shall make Dungeon Siege: The Movie.
FIRST: I played that!
THIRD: Uh huh.
SECOND: I like World of Warcraft better.
THIRD: That explains why you were missing for those six months, but why are you here now?
SECOND: You proposition one fourteen-year-old girl for sex and everybody gets all up in your face like it’s a big deal.
BIGWIG: Gentlemen! I can see you’re excited about this. So let’s brainstorm.
FIRST: …orcs!
SECOND: An evil sorcerer!
FIRST: Who will overrun the good kingdom with his orcs! The humans will be outnumbered!
SECOND: And the only way you can stop him is by destroying his magic ring!
FIRST: And we’ll have lots of scenes of them walking across gorgeous mountain ranges!
THIRD sighs.
BIGWIG: A good start, although maybe we’ll lose the ring bit. It sounds kind of gay.
THIRD: Sure.
BIGWIG: However, we will need righteous action movie action in this. So I have already contacted Jason Statham and he will be our hero!
FIRST: He’s British! That means he’s classy!
SECOND: I smell Oscar!
THIRD: I actually am not filled with dread over this decision.
BIGWIG: I also think we shall need a sidekick. Who shall be Jason Statham’s comic relief sidekick?
FIRST: John Rhys-Davies! He can be a dwarf!
SECOND: Or a troll!
FIRST: A dwarf-troll!
THIRD: How about Ron Perlman? He got good press after Hellboy, and everybody likes him.
BIGWIG: Sound reasoning. We shall get Ron Perlman. And John Rhys-Davies, why not. But he will not play a dwarf, for he is a large fat man, and I don’t understand how they made that work in Lord of the Rings without having him bend over a whole lot.
THIRD: …wait, what? Seriously?
BIGWIG: I have also contacted Burt Reynolds to play the heroic king.
THIRD: Ah. There we go.
BIGWIG: And upon reflection, Matthew Lillard would make an excellent villanous duke.
FIRST: You might not know this, but Matthew Lillard’s first major screen role was as a villain in Scream.
THIRD: Actually it was as a comic relief hacker in Hackers.
SECOND: You see Angelina Jolie’s tits in that if you pause at the right moment.
THIRD: And I’m sure you’ve checked that for yourself.
SECOND: You also get to see her tits in Firefox. She wasn’t even legal then!
BIGWIG: And David Hasselhoff shall be our villain!
THIRD: We can’t get him. He’s busy on America’s Got Talent.
BIGWIG: Really? Damn. He was central to my vision for this movie.
THIRD: What’s your vision for this movie?
BIGWIG: That it makes us a lot of money without actually profiting us in any way according to our accountants.
FIRST: Wait! Wait! I have an idea! How about we get somebody else and have him pretend to be David Hasselhoff? We can even make him wear black leather with a high collar! Ooh, and he can fluff up his hair like David Hasselhoff does!
SECOND: Ray Liotta just sold his house to Britney Spears. He probably needs money if he’s selling property. I bet we can get him for a song.
BIGWIG: Excellent. Gentlemen, it’s all coming together. But now we have scheduling issues. I need this shot in two weeks or so. That way, we can release it in January.
THIRD (coughs as he drinks his coffee): Two weeks? Sir, I know you’ve got the magic touch and all, but that’s impossible. I mean, Uwe Boll couldn’t churn out a movie… that… fast…
THIRD trails off as BIGWIG looks at him, clearly amused. Meanwhile, FIRST and SECOND look horrified.
BIGWIG: I bet you he can. All right, gentlemen, go get the contracts signed. I want to see a promotional campaign by Monday.
BIGWIG exits.
FIRST: I don’t believe that you mentioned Uwe Boll.
SECOND: I mean, that’s just wrong.
THIRD: Oh, shut up.

Originally written July 9th, 2007.

SCENE. A STUDIO BIGWIG and THREE JUNIOR EXECUTIVES are sitting at a table.

BIGWIG: Gentlemen! I’m glad you could all arrive for today’s meeting.
FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Glad to!
SECOND JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Always!
THIRD JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: If we didn’t, you’d fire us.
BIGWIG: Yes. Now, after our recent bit of brilliance with Fat Albert, I have called you here today to discuss other properties we might turn into films. For example, I have procured the rights to Sigmund and the Sea Monsters, and I understand Bob Oedekerk is interested in directing it.
SECOND: I love his thumb movies! He should do it all in thumbs!
BIGWIG: Indeed. However, that’s a secondary priority. Right now, our main concern is making a movie of Alvin and the Chipmunks.
THIRD: They already did that.
BIGWIG: What?
THIRD: They already made one. The Chipmunk Adventure. In 1987, with much higher animation quality than was in the series. It even had the Chipettes.
FIRST: I think I saw one of the Chipettes in Playboy once.
THIRD: You’re an idiot.
BIGWIG: Now, now. I think you misunderstand. I am not talking about a cartoon version of the movie.
The BIGWIG pulls out a large POSTER MOCKUP.
THIRD (under his breath): Oh dear God.
FIRST: Yes! Box office gold!
SECOND: Do I smell Oscar? I think I do!
FIRST: And I love the animated human looking at them!
BIGWIG: No, he’s real.
SECOND: My god! You got Tom Hanks!
THIRD: It’s not Tom Hanks.
FIRST: He looks like Tom Hanks.
SECOND: A very Hanksish quality, indeed.
THIRD: It’s frigging Jason Lee.
BIGWIG: Indeed it is. We got him for a song. Luckily this was before that redneck karma show came along and brought his career back from the dead.
FIRST: May I just say that I love that you’ve updated the image of the Chipmunks? Before they were just these chipmunks. Now, they are cool.
SECOND: Dare I hope that these new and improved Chipmunks will do a rap?
THIRD: Oh, I think it’s guaranteed they’ll do a rap.
BIGWIG: Precisely. They will be rapping chipmunks. We’re considering changing the title to Alvin and the Rapmunks.
FIRST: I love it!
SECOND: Rapmunks!
THIRD: Rapmunks.
BIGWIG: However, they will also need to be street, and have attitude. I did some research, and previously Alvin was the cool rascal, Simon was the brainy nerd, and Theodore was the fat loser. Now, Alvin is fine, but Simon and Theodore need to be revamped to appeal to today’s modern youth.
FIRST: Idea! Simon is a weapons expert! He knows everything about every type of weapon, and can kill a man at ten paces with a thrown spork!
SECOND: Not bad, but how about this? Simon is a computers expert! He knows all about the World Wide Web, and hacking, and reeking!
THIRD: I think you mean “phreaking.”
BIGWIG: These suggestions are excellent, gentlemen. Simply excellent. Kids love smart people when they blow things up with their smartness. But how do we deal with Theodore? The agreement stipulates that Theodore still has to be the fat one.
FIRST: He’s a master chef! And an explosives expert!
THIRD: Why would a master chef be – no, never mind.
SECOND: Actually, Chief, I think my compadre here is going the wrong way with this. See, Alvin, I’m figuring, is the one who gets by on daring and charm and charisma, right?
BIGWIG: Exactly. Reckless devil-may-care.
SECOND: And since Simon is going to be the genius member of the team, that means we need some comic relief, am I right?
FIRST: Yes! Theodore can be the chipmunk who farts!
THIRD: Farts.
FIRST: Farts are funny. He can fart a lot! Kids like farts!
BIGWIG: Go on.
SECOND: He’ll definitely fart, but he can’t just fart. Where Simon is a soft-spoken killer with vengeance in his eyes, and Alvin is suave and amazing and has women panting at his feet, Theodore can be the lovable fuckup. When Simon pulls out two silenced Glocks and kills a pair of evil ninja MCs with a single headshot apiece, Theodore tries to imitate him, but instead kills a nun and a grade school teacher by accident.
FIRST: And he can eat a lot of food! Because he’s fat!
SECOND: And he has a funny catchphrase. Something, I dunno… “Chip and Dale this, motherfucker.”
THIRD: You realize this movie is intended for children, right?
SECOND: See, this is why you’re here! You keep me grounded. “Chip and Dale this, sponge-butt.”
FIRST: Kids love it when you say “butt!” And “poop!”
BIGWIG: That they do, that they do. But you know what? This is all brilliant stuff here, really it is. But it needs that X-factor. That thing to shove it over the top.
THIRD: You already know what that is, I take it.
BIGWIG: It’s why I’m in this chair and you’re sitting on that couch. Someone get in touch with Anthony Anderson for me. We need the talents of a loud, shouty black man for Theodore.
FIRST: Yes!
SECOND: We’ll make millions!
THIRD: But aren’t the Chipmunks supposed to be squeaky?
BIGWIG: We can make him squeaky afterwards, with computers.
FIRST: I love computers…

Originally written October 9, 2004.

SCENE: A STUDIO BIGWIG and THREE JUNIOR EXECUTIVES are sitting at a table.

BIGWIG: All righty. Next on the docket – Fat Albert. Why haven’t we made a movie of Fat Albert yet?
FIRST JUNIOR: You know, I was just asking myself that the other day.
SECOND JUNIOR: I long to see those lovable Cosby Kids on the big screen!
THIRD JUNIOR: I think it’s because there hasn’t been a new episode of “Fat Albert” on the air since the mid-Seventies, and unlike “Scooby-Doo”, where the primary audience for a family film exists thanks to kids watching new episodes of Scooby and the gang every week, “Fat Albert” appeals mostly to Gen-X nostalgia, which hasn’t made for a successful film in years. At best we’d make our money back like Starsky and Hutch did. Seriously, who cares about Fat Albert any more, right?
(There is an uncomfortable silence.)
THIRD JUNIOR: Also we’ve had lots of trouble with the script!
BIGWIG: Ah, the writers. Always the writers, ain’t it? Okay, so let’s tell them what the story is.
FIRST JUNIOR: Right!
SECOND JUNIOR: Sure thing!
THIRD JUNIOR: Okay!
BIGWIG: What’s the story?
(A long pause.)
FIRST: How about the Cosby Kids just have a wacky adventure?
BIGWIG: Wacky adventure. Okay. I think that works. So, the Cosby Kids -
THIRD: Uh -
(BIGWIG stares at THIRD.)
THIRD: It’s just that the Cosby Kids are so weird. Like, the guy who wears his hat over his head. I mean, we’re going live-action with this, right?
BIGWIG: So?
THIRD: So how do we make that hat look realistic? Heck, how do we make Fat Albert look realistic and still have him be jolly, as opposed to morbidly obese?
BIGWIG: You raise an interesting point.
THIRD: I’m fired, aren’t I.
BIGWIG: Actually not yet. Your clever point has raised in me a counter idea!
(FIRST and SECOND glare at THIRD.)
BIGWIG: We will have the Cosby Kids come out of the television from cartoon land and into the real world!
(Silence. Crickets. A tumbleweed blows past in the background.)
FIRST: Brilliant!
SECOND: I love it!
THIRD: Why not.
FIRST: And wait, and wait – the Cosby Kids can be from Seventies cartoon land! So they’ll be amazed by the things we consider to be commonplace and mundane! Like pull-tops and the Internet!
SECOND: I like it, but maybe to avoid looking like we’re saying black people are stupid and don’t understand the basics of life, they can also gradually master our modern ways over the course of the movie!
BIGWIG: Exactly! Like, Fat Albert could do a rap!
THIRD (blinks): A rap?
BIGWIG: Black people love to rap!
THIRD: Well – it’s just he’s from the Seventies, right? Nobody listened to rap back then. It hadn’t been invented. I mean, the Cosby Kids had a funk band. He could sing a funk song instead. It’s not like funk isn’t cool.
FIRST: Yeah, but Snoop Dogg sells way more records than Government Funkadelic.
THIRD: Parliament -
BIGWIG: Look, I know we’re trying to be true to the spirit of Fat Albert here, so that means clearly that Fat Albert must do a rap. And possibly Mushmouth can be his human beat-box.
SECOND: Genius! Sheer genius! This movie will win Oscars.
FIRST: But where’s the human element?
THIRD (rubbing temples): It’s a movie about cartoons coming to life and you want a human element.
BIGWIG: No, no, he’s got a point. We need to create conflict! Conflict is what makes all drama great!
THIRD: Fine. Conflict. What’s the conflict?
SECOND: …some of the Cosby Kids want to go back to cartoon land!
FIRST: Because they’re scared by modern-day society and the Internet!
THIRD: So why do any of the Cosby Kids want to stay anyway?
BIGWIG: That’s a good question. We need a reason for Fat Albert to want to stay.
FIRST: Why Fat Albert?
THIRD: Possibly because the movie isn’t called Weird Harold.
BIGWIG: Right. So why does Fat Albert want to stay?
SECOND: ….he meets a girl and he wants to fuck her!
THIRD: Oh, for crissake, it’s a kids’ movie!
SECOND: …he meets a girl and he wants to fuck her and then cook her breakfast the next morning!
BIGWIG: Maybe we just tone down your idea a bit. He meets a girl and he falls in love with her.
SECOND: I guess that works too, but really, you lose something when you take out the fucking.
FIRST: What?
SECOND: Well, the fucking for a start.
THIRD: And maybe we get a big-name R&B singer to play Fat Albert’s love interest?
BIGWIG: That would cost us more money, right?
THIRD: Probably.
BIGWIG: Then let’s not do that. Matter of fact, let’s try to use as many no-name character actors as possible so we can save money to put towards the awesome special effects when Fat Albert and the others come into the realworld from cartoon land.
SECOND: I think we can get Kool Moe Dee -
BIGWIG: NO-NAMES.
THIRD: Even for Fat Albert?
BIGWIG: No, I think we can afford someone vaguely recognizable to be Fat Albert. Get one of the guys who was in Good Burger.
FIRST: God, I loved that movie!
SECOND: “Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?”
(FIRST and SECOND high-five.)
THIRD: Which guy from Good Burger did you want?
BIGWIG: Whichever one of them was fatter. Okay, who do we got to direct this?
THIRD: Joel Zwick.
BIGWIG: …what did he do?
THIRD: My Big Fat Greek Wedding and “Webster”.
BIGWIG: Okay, make sure in all the ads we have the announcer say “directed by Joel Zwick” like he’s a big deal. People will think “my god, he’s so funny they put his name in the ads.”
FIRST: WAIT! I had an idea!
BIGWIG: Really?
(FIRST becomes aware that maybe this isn’t the best thing.)
FIRST: Well, it’s not that important.
BIGWIG: No, no. I want to hear it.
FIRST: No, really -
BIGWIG: Spill.
FIRST: Well since the Cosby Kids are coming out of cartoon land, that means we could potentially have them meet Bill Cosby, right?
BIGWIG: Hmmmmm.
SECOND: And, and – this is good – they could actually go looking for Bill Cosby! The Cosby Kids would go looking for Bill Cosby so he could help them get back to cartoon land!
BIGWIG: How would he do that?
SECOND: …I don’t know?
BIGWIG: Ah, I’m sure the writers will think of something. Okay, I think we’re about done with Fat Albert – let’s move on. What’s the deal with The Jeffersons?