ME: That was a surprisingly unsatisfying set of trailers we just saw.
FLAPJACKS: Says you. I was enthralled to see that we will get another chapter of Resident Evil, and this time in three-dee!
ME: Do you kind of get the feeling that that trailer was intended to be shown in 3D and then… wasn’t shown that way?
FLAPJACKS: You mean with all the shots of Milla whatsername –
ME: Jovovovovovitch.
FLAPJACKS – whatsername shooting RIGHT AT YOU and then her and the other girl who I assume is supposed to be a clone of Milla jumping backwards through the window and then falling while shooting RIGHT AT YOU through a haze of glass shards? I dunno, maybe they thought “whoa, if we don’t show this in three-dee, maybe the nerds will be all “damn, now I got to see that with the goggles on” and we will make lotsa money”? Like that?
ME: Yeah.
FLAPJACKS: I dunno. Maybe. I kinda think that the actual Resident Evil 3D will just be two hours of Milla bobbing her head back and forth in front of the camera, like in Count Floyd’s Monster Chiller Horror Theatre.
ME: Which will still be more entertaining than Get Him To The Greek. “Hey, remember that one character who was funny for about the first ten minutes he was in Forgetting Sarah Marshall Here’s two hours of him!”
FLAPJACKS: “Also starring Jonah Hill, for some reason. We’re not really sure why, to be honest.”
ME: Jonah Hill is definitely one of those actors who does, like, one thing.
FLAPJACKS: What thing does he do?
ME: I’m not sure. But he does it. Man, does he do it.
FLAPJACKS: I wonder what’s gonna happen when Jonah Hill loses the weight that his doctor probably tells him regularly he should lose for health reasons? I mean, is it going to be like Wayne Knight? Did you see that? He lost all that weight and then he just wasn’t Newman any more.
ME: I hear Wayne Knight does critically acclaimed off-Broadway stuff now, so I doubt he’s worried. I mean, worst-case scenario, he just goes into a closet that’s labeled “Seinfeld Money” and takes out a laundry bag full of hundred dollar bills. The closet is five miles deep.
FLAPJACKS: Will Jonah Hill ever have that kind of closet?
ME: It’s entirely possible he already has one. I bet his has guardian Morlocks in it.
FLAPJACKS: Topic change! Jonah Hex. What do we think?
ME: Well, on the one hand you have a cowboy with a gatling-gun horse and rocket-dynamite crossbows who talks to dead people. That’s kind of awesome. But on the other hand, that’s not Jonah Hex. Jonah Hex doesn’t need a gatling-gun horse or rocket-dynamite crossbows or the powers of the Sixth Sense kid. Jonah Hex only needs a knife and a revolver and pure motherfucking anger to kill you. People who fight Jonah Hex should have gatling-gun horses just so they can find out how useless those things are when you fight Jonah Hex.
FLAPJACKS: So it’s kind of like they made a Batman movie with Adam Sandler as Batman.
ME: Shut up shut up shut up I don’t want Bruce Vilanch to hear that and get ideas for the next Oscar ceremony’s “comedy” bits.
FLAPJACKS: Speaking of which, Grown Ups. What the fuck? I mean, seriously, what the fucking fuck? Wasn’t Adam Sandler’s career over already? I can’t even remember the last three movies he made.
ME: Funny People, Bedtime Stories and You Don’t Mess With the Zohan.
FLAPJACKS: I forgot. You’re like the film-school version of Rain Man.
ME: Look, you have to understand: his movies always make back all the money they cost, and then some. And given that this is a guy whose comedy about an Israeli commando-turned-hairdresser cost ninety million dollars, that says something. Plus, Kevin James is in this one, and after Blart Blart Mall Blart he is apparently a giant cheque in human form, merely waiting to be signed.
FLAPJACKS: Wait, what the fuck is Maria Bello doing in that movie as his wife? Surely there must be some clause that says “there is a limit to how fat and stupid a man can be, even in a Hollywood movie, if Maria Bello is going to play his wife.”
ME: Girls think Kevin James is cuddly. The fact that Sandler gets to have Salma Hayek playing his wife disturbs me a lot more than that. I mean, Adam Sandler’s actual wife is honestly pretty hot. Why does he need Salma Hayek? It’s like he’s rubbing it in that he’s rich and famous.
FLAPJACKS: At least they kept David Spade single in this movie.
ME: I’m pretty sure they learned their lesson when the ending of Joe Dirt, where Spade gets the girl, resulted in a massive increase in cancer diagnoses coinciding with the movie’s release.
FLAPJACKS: There are like, no good trailers before this movie.
ME: Well, we are seeing Macgruber. Isn’t that mostly admitting that we have no standards? The studio people were probably all “oh, whatever, just throw ads for shit we wouldn’t make dogs watch in front of MacGruber. They’re already there anyway. Maybe they’ll decide to buy a ticket.”
FLAPJACKS: No, no, I think they were very deliberately marketing to idiots.
ME: And yet, we are here.
FLAPJACKS: No, you’re here. I’m just a figment of your imagination.
ME: No, you’re not.
FLAPJACKS: Look, run with it, will you? I don’t want people finding out I actually paid money to see MacGruber. If I’m just a figment of your imagination then maybe when somebody I actually know asks me if I went to see MacGruber they will believe my lies.
ME: I doubt it. You’re not trustworthy. You still haven’t returned my wok.
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Was…was that just a confession? 😀
I….. I think it may be? Sometimes, when faced with a wok shortage or, as in my case, the embarrassment of having such an old and chewed-up wok to work with, I too have had my psyche fragment, spinning off into separate fragments in an effort to cope with a wok-less state.
Do fragments of MGK’s personality steal other kitchen appliances? 😉
Why. The. FUCK. Are. You. Seeing. MacGruber? Was it a bet? Did you lose a horrible, horrible bet?
Don’t leave us in the dark…how was the film?
Yeah, we demand a review of the movie!
How can your roommate steal your wok? Where’s he going to take it? Does he have a safe deposit box to put “borrowed” stuff in? That Flapjacks sounds like a weirdo, AND he always makes me want pancakes, which are harder to make than they look.
Shh!
I kind of want to know is if Richard Dean Anderson does a cameo in this, but damned if I’m sitting through the movie to find out.
I think you and Flapjacks have been spending waaaay too much time together. It’s almost like you’re finishing each others sentences.
MacGruber is way, WAY better than the box office treated it. His Twitter is really awesome too, but he’s since stopped after the movie bombed.
… I respectfully disagree, Gavok. It was a bad movie, that was funny in that ‘I really kind of feel bad for laughing at this’ sort of sense.
Holy crap. How does Wayne Knight now look like he’s someone capable of commendable levels of kick-your-ass?
“… I respectfully disagree, Gavok. It was a bad movie, that was funny in that ‘I really kind of feel bad for laughing at this’ sort of sense”
Yes. This. Every time a laugh escaped my lips, I visibly cringed in embarrassment.
MGK, I’m still trying to figure out how I managed to let you talk me into seeing it.
Mike, i believe you mean finishing each other’s sandwiches.
I knew the wok from the post with Flapjacks and feminism would come back up again.
There is a standard formula with SNL movies…
They take an idea that was funny for 3.25 minutes several consecutive times and stretch it into 100ish minutes; then, you don’t go see it.
It’s just that simple.
Don’t get me started on the risks of seeing a full length feature on a gag premise of getting QUICKLY blown to smithereens. You do see how that might not work, right?
So, wait, I haven’t seen any of the SNL sketches, even… the idea is he dies right away? WTF?
Also looking foward to the special DVD cut of Jonah Hex that removes all appearances of Megan Fox and replaces her with, I dunno, anyone.
Mister Alex: I’m pretty sure there’ll be a DVD cut of Jonah Hex that is only Megan Fox in her steampunk whore outfit riding a horse.
Now we just need someone to chime in with “Who are you calling a horse?”
Anyone else actually look at the linked picture of Wayne Knight? There’s a quote there:
My weight was like a room of flesh I hid myself in.
(What)
And then you with your 5-mile-deep closet of money and suddenly I have a mental image of Newman trapped in a giant closet of human flesh. And now I’m going to have NIGHTMARES. Thanks.
MacGruber?
You fool, you messed with that weird puzzle box, didn’t you?
Cookie_McCool, I don’t see how you can say that making pancakes is harder than it looks. I mean, if it’s too much effort to add water to the mix container and shake it up, pancakes come in spray cans now. http://www.batterblaster.com/
Oh, wait, Flapjacks makes you want GOOD pancakes?
Summer 2011…
JONAH HILL v. JONAH HEX
“JoNAHT” gonna wanna miss it!
Am I the only one that wants to see MacGruber? No amount of bad press/word of mouth can dampen this desire. Then again, I love Hot Rod and the Brothers Solomon. Now, if only I can find a theatre that still has it…
Hot Rod. My God, I paid money to see that shit. $3 matinee for one good scene.
Fall 2012…
JONAH HEX vs. THE JONAS BROTHERS
Will their pre-teen-pleasing vocals be a match for twin horse-mounted Gattling guns? Find out this September!