Grading every country’s national anthem, part two

East Timor. Odd progression because it starts out stately and dignified, and then after about thirty seconds or so jumps to a more uptempo march. It’s like there’s fifteen to twenty seconds of transition that are missing. Possibly Indonesia stole them. 71

Ecuador. If you close your eyes while listening to this, you can see the Bugs Bunny cartoon that would have used it for a score. Yosemite Sam is the villain, and he plays an evil South American duke of some kind. There is a bit where Bugs Bunny tricks Yosemite Sam into fighting an ostrich. The ostrich beats Sam up real good. 55

Egypt. Feels like an early exercise in grade-school music class, with the awkward tempo and odd pauses, and not least because of the percussion hitting every beat. You can just imagine little Timmy in the back hitting his cymbal and nodding his head to keep time, maybe with his tongue sticking out a little because he’s concentrating so hard and he really wants to hit that cymbal properly. 14

El Salvador. I know it runs 3:30, but that was literally the shortest version of it I could find. With all the trills and horn sections and fanfares I’m not sure how anybody sings to this anthem (yes, even considering they only apparently sing the chorus and first verse), but it’s definitely an endurance sport; this feels more like a movement of a symphony than a national anthem. Pretty, though. 72

Equitoreal Guinea. Entitled “Let Us Tread The Path,” but only officially. In the right circles in Equitorial Guinea, it is known as “Let The Day Workers Tread The Path For Us, Preferably While Carrying Our Laundry.” 34

Eritrea. I am unsure which is more disturbing: that this anthem is titled “Eritrea, Eritrea, Eritrea” and while listening to the instrumental you can tell exactly when you are supposed to sing “Eritrea,” or the fact that it sounds like a dorky polka no matter which version you listen to. 26

Estonia. This is kind of derivative, but on the other hand, apparently when sung the Estonian national anthem commonly only lasts thirty seconds. That’s awfully considerate of them, isn’t it? I think that’s considerate. 50

Ethiopia. It’s a bit of an interesting tune, but beyond that it’s also got a bit of distinctive African flavour in its musicality that so many African nations’ anthems lack. You’d almost expect it to predate colonialism, but of course it turns out that it was written in 1992, which is the other way to avoid the common “hey let’s have an anthem like France or England” trap so many African countries have fallen into. 76

Fiji. One of the few anthems written in two languages right off the bat, and much like Canada (which was also written in two languages from the beginning), the different sets of lyrics are completely dissimilar. The English version is your standard “God bless Fiji, becuase it’s awesome” but the Fijian version is “we should carefully elect honourable leaders because people, when you get down to it, are kind of bastards.” You have to admire that combination of candor and reflexive guilt. 80

Finland. Widely considered to have been copied from a German drinking song, either intentionally or accidentally, but nobody really seems to care. This tells you a number of things about Finland, most of them positive in my view. 74

France. Oh, come on, it’s “La Marseillaise.” It’s basically the entire reason countries have national anthems; everybody else heard this and said “well, we’d better have one too,” and either wrote something or promoted a song they’d already been using to celebrate wars and the like. This pretty much remains the gold standard for national anthems despite flagging a bit in the tail end, because the “bom bom BAH BAH bom bom BAH BAH BAH” opening is timeless. 96

Gabon. Kind of the Muppet Babies version of “La Marseillaise’s” Muppet Show; it takes the core element and goes further uptempo with it in a lighthearted sort of way to produce something that is entertaining, cute, and perhaps a little cloying. 68

The Gambia. You have to admire The Gambia, because it’s a seriously dinky little country that manages to do quite well as African nations go, but on top of that they have a really lovely little anthem that they acquired through the most practical of measures: they had a contest and opened it up to the whole world. “Hey, you got a good anthem for us? We’ll listen. We mean, we’ll actually listen.” Maybe the story would be even more stirring if it hadn’t been written by a couple of white people adapting a West African folksong into an anthem, but you take what you can get that’s good, I guess. 90

Georgia. Hey, you know how back in the 1980s when we had Commodore 64s and you would play Winter Games by EPYX and when you picked your country, you had the option of picking EPYX and EPYX would have its own anthem? This is a lot more generic and dull than the EPYX anthem was. 17

Germany. You really sometimes have to judge on a sliding scale, and let’s be honest: its history of great composers aside, the fact that the Germans have such a lovely national anthem when their language is basically composed of a lot of throat-clearing noises and screaming can only be construed as a magnificent victory. Also, the Germans get props for having the common sense to realize that the “Deutschland uber alles” opening has kind of bad connotations, and thus dropping it. (You may think this a minor thing, but when you consider that it took decades to change a redundant “we stand on guard” to “from far and wide” in O Canada, it’s actually quite impressive. People get upset when you point out that parts of their anthem are dreadfully offensive.) 93

Ghana. Ghana was going to get a reasonably high mark for their perfectly nice anthem (which never really stops ascending, but hey, you got to aspire to something). Unfortunately, Uruguay stole it. Them’s the breaks, Ghana! 56

Greece. Weirdly sounds like the entire orchestra is slightly drunk whenever it gets played. Also sounds like a drinking song, even more than Finland’s does. 41

Grenada. Like many anthems written in the 1960s and 70s, sounds like the composers threw half a dozen anthems into a blender, hit puree, and tried to play what came out of the blender and finally said “okay, that’s our anthem.” 39

Guatemala. Unlike most South American and Latin American anthems, this is actually fairly short. Also unlike most South American and Latin American anthems, it’s dreadfully boring. 45

Guinea. Possibly the most low-key, mournful anthem so far, and in a very weird way. This doesn’t have any big flourishes or fanfares; in frank it seems embarrassed to be played, and has some odd fast bits, sort of like the musicians are saying “oh god let’s just get this over with” and then the conductor catches them trying to rush and has to scold them with his little wavy stick. If this was my anthem I would honestly get depressed, and I don’t think I’m alone because most Youtubes of national anthems have tons of comments from natives and from foreigners saying “your anthem is pretty and your country is great,” but all the Guinea anthem vids have barely anything apart from a solitary, lonely “vive le guinee.” That’s just kind of sad. 25

Guinea-Bissau. Has a nice steady build leaving you expecting something and then suddenly it’s all over in a hurry, which may or may not be a metaphor for the history of African colonialism. 51

Guyana. I swear I’ve tried to listen to it seven times now and every time I get distracted. Presumably there is music of some kind? An orchestra? It’s like there’s some sort of distraction field. I’m not getting tired of doing this, either; I actually came back after doing a few more and I still can’t make myself listen to it. 50

Haiti. I know Haiti has had it rough lately and I’m inclined to be generous, but even so, this is barely an anthem; the second half is largely a repeat of the first half and the whole thing lasts forty seconds. If you want to hear the full version, it repeats the whole thing for another forty seconds. And it’s not really an outstanding forty seconds or anything. 19

Honduras. KETTLEDRUMS KETTLEDRUMS CYMBALS KETTLEDRUMS low-key woodwinds woodwinds woodwinds NOW MORE KETTLEDRUMS low-key woodwinds KETTLEDRUMS CYMBALS XYLOPHONE! If The Grunge Song had been written in 1915, it would be this. Not that that’s a bad thing. 63

Hungary. Is an out-and-out hymn (its title even translates to “Hymn”) rather than your standard “hey [country] is so great because of its [geographic features] and [people who can beat the snot out of other countries].” Really, including it in this list is like how that one kid at your school, the one who constantly trained for the Olympics and who attended maybe one class in seven because they were so busy, made it into the high school yearbook despite ninety-five percent of everybody never even speaking to them; it’s just a whole different sorta thing. 91

Iceland. Also a hymn. Also entitled “Hymn.” However, although not a bad piece of music by any stretch, it’s not nearly as good as Hungary’s, and that is why Hungary does not sue Iceland. That, and the fact that Iceland no longer has any money and would have to pay their damages out in herring. 72

India. The instrumental doesn’t really do it justice, because when you hear it played with Indian instruments it’s a lot more majestic, but even when it’s played with proper accompaniment it doesn’t change the fact that this anthem just sort of ends suddenly, at a point where you would honestly expect at the very least a sort of coda or maybe even a triumphant ending. Even when choirs sing it, there’s just this sort of “yep, that’s it” feeling. Weird. 60

Indonesia. Starts out kind of boring, but by the end it’s really quite enthralling (presumably they stole the good bits from East Timor after all), in the “professional wrestler late in his career entering the arena as fans cheer madly for the living legend” sort of way. Memo to Indonesian professional wrestlers: if you ever come to America, you’ve got a bit of a leg up right from the get-go because, like all dirty foreigner wrestlers, this can be your entrance music. 70

Iran. Was written by a committee. Sounds like every creative effort ever produced by a committee. 33

Iraq. Is also the unofficial anthem of Palestine, so I hope it’s not controversial to say that this is honestly a pretty nice bit of music; a bit repetitive to say the least, but it’s pleasant. It’s a far sight better than the Hussein-era anthem, to be sure. Clearly, from a musical standpoint, the invasion was justified. No, not really. 75

Ireland. Is a military march converted over to national anthem status and sounds like it. (This is not a bad thing, per se. But it is noticeable.) Also, the English version of the lyrics rhymes “Ireland” with “sireland,” which is perhaps the most desperate rhyme I’ve seen yet in any national anthem. Given that the writers could have gotten away with “Eire” for naming the country in the anthem and so many things rhyme with that, you just have to kind of shake your head. 72

Israel. Even sadder than Guinea’s anthem in its own way, but where Guinea’s anthem is sad because it seems conflicted and confused, Israel’s is an attempt to translate everything Jews have had to put up with for the last few thousand years into a couple of minutes of orchestration, and mostly succeeds at that. This is the sort of music to which elderly mothers beat their breast when something tragic happens. 86

Italy. Operatic as you would expect from Italy, and although it kind of gets lost in itself after a while, the only real downside is the pauses the orchestra has to take when musicians dive to the ground and clutch their faces in agony after the conductor waves his baton in their general direction. No, no, I’m kidding. They’ve got it down to such a science now that they don’t have to pause, they just keep playing while they dive. 81

Jamaica. Supremely calm and sedate; this anthem never gets excited. Even when the orchestra rises, it’s very steady and deliberate and measured. Make your own ganja joke; I have standards. 73

Japan. Powerful and dignified without being ostentatious or noisy. The Japanese national anthem is very Japanese in character; there’s a lot of national anthems that simply can’t say the same for their respective home countries. 92

Jordan. Seems stretched out; this isn’t a long anthem to begin with, and then you realize that this forty-second snippet is every verse of the song. Then you do a little research, and you find out every verse of the song is basically a long paean to how awesome the King of Jordan is. Then you wonder why the King of Jordan’s anthem is so mediocre. Surely he can have people punished for it. I mean, he’s the King. 42

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