Don’t Call It A Liveblog, I Been Here For Years

7:01: Shockingly, Romney ahead 66/32 in Kentucky. I know, I know!

7:02: I may just start watching the Raptors/Thunder game at 8 and liveblog that instead. Or possibly both. This may get confusing if Kyle Lowry ends up dunking 51/49 over Romney in Virginia.

7:06: I just had a vision that somewhere there is a kid with, like, three iPads who “plays CNN” and pretends she is Wolf Blitzer. This is probably simple since the girl is at least as smart as Wolf Blitzer.

7:10:: Despite Romney leading Obama by nearly twenty points in Indiana and the state having been conceded by the Democrats months ago at the Presidential level, CNN isn’t calling it yet. This is because Indiana’s crucial werewolf vote may not pan out. In other Indiana news, crazy Republican Senate candidate Richard “If God Gives You Rape, Make Rapeonade” Mourdock is about a thousand votes ahead of some Democrat I can’t remember.

7:14: Whitehair guy who probably has, like, a name or something explains that, although Obama is leading in Florida right now, he might not be leading in Florida later! Except he takes five minutes to do it.

7:16: James Carville: “We don’t know.” OH GOD HE’S BEIN FOLKSY

7:17: Alex Castellanos desperately tries to point out that even if Obama wins, he still might not win because he won’t win as big this time, because he has literally no argument. “If Romney falls a point short, it’s the end of the world, but if Obama falls a point short, it’s no big deal. Got it.” Well, yes, Alex Castellanos, because if Romney falls a point short HE WILL LOSE, whereas Obama can maybe lose a point and be fine. I know the new GOP strategy is “get offended by basic math” but Alex Castellanos seems to be taking it to new levels.

7:21: CNN’s Talkinhedz ™ just spent five minutes explaining the basic electoral math that an infographic can tell you in five minutes.

7:24: CNN finally calls Indiana for Romney. ROMNEY HAS SHOCKED THE WORLD! The state that brought you Hoosiers, the basketball movie that reminds us that hardworking white people are better at basketball than selfish, flashy black people, has voted for Mitt Romney! Surprise.

7:26: Obama up by 10K in Florida; CNN is already hyping Ohio Secretary of State Jon Husted, who is the 2012 equivalent of Katherine Harris, except people won’t make jerky makeup jokes about him. Also, Husted is probably much more crazy than Harris was.

7:30: CNN calls West Virginia for Mitt Romney in a shocking, shocking development. Then Wolf Blitzer talks about exit polls! North Carolina is a tie, sorta! Ohio is an Obama win, and hopefully Ohio gets resolved sooner rather than later so we can all go back to not caring about Ohio except when the Cavaliers are playing. (Nobody cares when the Browns or the Indians play. Sorry, Cleveland. I did not make these rules.)

7:33: And now, an in-depth study into how elderly Florida Jews are voting, sort of, because CNN doesn’t have exact numbers of course, but they sure know where Jews live in Florida! Then to Virginia, where some guy explains that one precinct with a funny name was carried by Obama. CNN makes me want to pull out teeth, but none of the other news stations give me good coverage on my stolen borrowed cable.

7:37: George “Macaca” Allen leading early in Virginia’s Senate race, because come on, it was almost six years ago that people pointed out that this guy kept a noose as a trophy in his office.

7:41: South “Craziest State In The Country” Carolina goes to Mittens.

7:43: In Virginia, a battleground state, we are in a “battleground county” and what’s more, they’re looking at battleground precincts. How long before CNN starts going to individual voters? “Henry Schmunk voted Democratic in 2012, but it gave him a stress ulcer. Now, his heart is leaning Republican, while his brain remains a Democratic stronghold. But what about his arms? They can swing Schmunk’s vote. Because they can swing, you see.”

7:46: Whiteguy McTouchscreen explains that BLUE means Democrat and RED means Republican, because he has to talk to Wolf Blitzer for a living and if you did that you would think everybody is stupid too.

7:49: David Gergen and Gloria Borger are probably eating your soul or something. Can’t explain otherwise why David Gergen is still alive, if not the consumption of souls.

7:51: There’s this Eastern European immigrant sort of person who grew up in communist Eastern Europe and then moved to America and became an investment banker who has bought his own political ad. He is a Republican and of course his central premise is not something I agree with, but you gotta respect the guy for not just giving money to a PAC but instead doing his own pro-Republican ad. Granted, it’s kind of silly to buy ad time during CNN’s election night coverage because the ad will not really, like, influence anybody, but even so. RESPECT.

7:55: Wolf Blitzer hypes the next round of poll closings like they will determine much of anything. They will not. Pennsylvania MIGHT be a little bit tense. Right now Obama is up by 2 in Florida and by 4-5 in Ohio, though, so.

8:00: PROJECTIONS! Obama takes Connecticut, Delaware, Illinois, Maine (three of four, with one up for grabs), Rhode Island, and the District of Columbia. 2 Legit 2 Mitt carries Oklahoma. For some reason CNN is not calling Alabama or Mississippi yet, even though those states are so red “Kool Aid Man” is a recognized minority group there.

8:03: If the site crashes in the next few minutes, it is because James “The MGKdotcom Tech Guy” Young had to go vote, because he HAS NOT VOTED YET. I encourage you all to shame him for taking so long! SHAAAAAAAAAAAME.

8:07: Mitt ‘Em High: proud of his campaign, which was “produced by human beings.” He has to qualify that sort of thing [INSERT ROMNEY ROBOT JOKE] Then CNN notes that Romney has not written a concession speech, which gives us all additional reason to hope that Obama wins because then we get to see Mitt Romney improvise his concession, which will be beautiful.

8:10: Angus King wins Senate seat in Maine. Andrea Bargnani sinks a three in Oklahoma. SUCK IT, THUNDER.

8:13: Please Hammer Don’t Mitt ‘Em carries Georgia. Wolf Blitzer tries to play this as being some sort of shock, but, come on, it’s Georgia. Meanwhile, Richard Mourdock now down 50-47 in the Indiana Senate race.

8:15: Romney up 50-49 now in Florida, leading by about 70,000. Whiteguy McTouchscreen explains that it is still very early! Still very early! I think I have heard them say “still very early” about fifty times now.

8:19: Senate results! Mostly what you would expect – the sure things. In the non-called races, Joe Donnelly is leading Mourdock by 50-44 now; in Virginia, Allen’s lead over Tim Kaine is down to 52-48.

8:23: Gloria Borger: “And by the way, a majority of Americans think government does too much.” Without the unspoken addendums “for other people” and “except when there is a fucking hurricane.”

8:27: Wolf Blitzer hypes Arkansas’ poll closing like it’s even remotely in doubt who wins that. Meanwhile, Oklahoma is up 12 on Toronto right now, which: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

8:29: Florida is back in Obama’s column, but TOO EARLY TO CALL. Ditto Ohio. And then CNN projects that Mittens picks up Arkansas and Tennessee, because that is technically “news.” MORE SWING STATES! Romney leading in Virginia and North Carolina. CNN pretends that Mitt Romney’s 583-vote lead in New Jersey might stick, because Mitt Romney saved New Jersey from a hurricane! No, wait he did not do that, I’m sorry.

8:33: Linda McMahon looks to lose her second consecutive Senate bid in Connecticut, and unlike most wrestling fans, I don’t think this means next week they stop the family-friendly act and try to be all Attitude Era 2.0. Partially this is because even without the campaign, the WWE still has numerous toy and licensing deals that are lucrative and will keep them PG. Partially this is because the WWE is leery of reintroducing the garbage wrestling that made the Attitude Era so popular. Probably the only fallout you see from this is that the WWE starts firing all those people they’ve been wanting to fire but that they couldn’t fire during the campaign because McMahon would’ve been attacked for killing jobs.

8:42: Hasheem Thabeet just completely fell over his own feet on a breakaway, which was kind of hilarious and also made me forget about Landry Fields’ horrible play (and for only six million, what a bargain!). Meanwhile, Non-Francois Mitt-erand picks up Alabama, because duh.

8:46: Wolf Blitzer wonders why they always have problems in Florida counting votes. Hey, Wolf, you might as well wonder why North Carolina and Pennsylvania voting machines were having calibration errors so people weren’t able to vote for their chosen candidate! (Hint: It’s because your country doesn’t have a central, non-partisan elections office.) Meanwhile, Linda McMahon’s loss is finally confirmed – and may we just say she got her ass hammered – and the CNN crew remark that she spent $100 million over two futile campaigns, so HAH.

8:52: Obama’s lead in Florida is about 95K right now. I read earlier today that the Democrats expected to win Florida by maybe 15K, so this is going to take a while. You might want to get a magazine.

8:57: CNN’s reporters with the campaigns report that the campaigns are confident and feel good about their chances, as if the campaigns were suddenly going to break down sobbing or something. Meanwhile, Wolf hypes the 9:00 poll closings. Thrilling! Or not. Meanwhile the Thunder are currently leading Toronto by 17, in part because Toronto is getting NO fouls.

9:05: I was making myself a bagel and cheese when the 9:00 projections came in, and the only real surprise is that they’re immediately calling Michigan for Obama – apparently it’s not even close. Well, good. Always nice when voters display common sense, like “well, one guy saved our state and the other one told us to go eat shit.”

9:07: CNN projects the GOP will retain control of the House, so if Obama wins it’s going to be a wild, chaotic first two years, at least. A TalkinHed ™ explains that this is because Obama didn’t make enough robocalls for House candidates and because he is selfish and because he lost the first debate. Gerrymandering doesn’t even enter into it, really. The TalkinHedz ™ are all disappointed because if Obama wins and the GOP retains the House and the Dems retain the Senate, then it’s basically the status quo and how is THAT fun.

9:13: Oh, and Kyle Lowry went down hard with what looks to be a moderately serious injury, so FUCK YOU OKLAHOMA. Even moreso.

9:19: We’re deep into Boring Time here as McTouchscreen uses his touchscreens to demonstrate that people are mostly voting in the way you would expect them to vote. Soooo boring.

9:22: A bunch of predictable Senate wins, including the horrible Ted Cruz in Texas. Donnelly still leading Mourdock in Indiana by two percent. Elizabeth Warren beating Scott Brown 52/48 – other networks have already called it. George Allen still leading Tim Kaine in Virginia by less than 50,000 votes. And in Colorado Obama is currently leading Adolf Mittler by quite a bit.

9:27: Non-CNNs have called Pennsylvania for Obama (not too surprising).

9:29: Wolf Blitzer is practically jizzing himself because right now Mitt Romney’s lead in Florida is 636 votes and is openly referencing Bush/Gore 2000, which OH GOD PLEASE NO.

9:35: Sherrod Brown wins in Ohio, so good. Meanwhile, I went to CNN’s website and looked at the map of Florida. Right now most of the solid red counties are mostly finished tabulating votes. Meanwhile, Obama’s big bulwark remaining is Miami-Dade, which is strong blue and also only 40% calculated and also it is very big. If he wins, that is why. See? I could totally be Whiteguy McTouchscreen!

9:39: Nothing on CNN pisses me off more than the constant clean coal ads and the “I’m An Energy Voter!” ads produced by big oil. Absolutely nothing. They could get Jeff Dunham to do an advertisement for almond-scented online poker and I would hate that ad less than I hate the dirty energy propagandizing.

9:44: At some point, CNN bravely called New York for Obama and I missed it, I guess.

9:46: Even when watching on a shitty stream in a small window, you can always tell Jonas Valanciunas because whenever he guards himself his hands instinctively guard his balls. I am not sure if that technically qualifies as a “fun fact.”

9:51: McTouchscreen explains what I explained half an hour ago re: Miami-Dade and Florida. BITER.

9:54: Non-CNNs calling the Indiana Senate race for Donnelly over Richard “I don’t get why all you chicks are so offended” Mourdock.

9:59: As the projections come in, I note that Orlando is currently tied with Chicago and Detroit is tied with Denver, and Toronto (who should be better than both of those teams!) is down by like a zillion points. Oh, and the Mittbull won Utah for some reason, can’t imagine why. Exit polls have Obama leading in Iowa and Nevada, Romney in Montana.

10:04: Josiah Bartlet Barack Obama wins New Hampshire.

10:10: Ohio is starting to look like Florida – not a lot of Romney votes left on the ground to collect and still quite a bit to go in the Democratic urban centres. Meanwhile, in Colorado, McTouchscreen is drawing on Colorado with his finger, because journalism. Meanwhile, other news sources report that Todd Legitimate Rape Akin just lost in the Missouri Senate race, which is great news, because now every Republican has learned he can never, ever say what he actually believes in a general election, but mostly now they have to say it to win their batshit primaries.

10:16: North Carolina right now is 51-48 Romney with about 15% left to count, and I don’t think Obama carries it; he has to make up 150,000 votes. Virginia is 51-48 as well, but Obama’s deficit there is only about 80K and there’s still 34% left to count; I think he’ll take it in a squeaker.

10:18: Alex Castellanos admits that his hoped-for “silent majority” does not in fact exist, which once again begs that we ask why this foolish man has a job as a television politics expert.

10:20: Alex Castellanos pretends that, if Romney loses – and he probably will – that it won’t just be ROMNEY’s loss, but the entire GOP. Give it a week and see how that sticks; I think we’ll get a round of “well we weren’t conservative enough” from Fox News before the night is out.

10:23: Obama is now up by 46K in Florida. NOT JINXING IT.

10:25: I switched to Fox’s livestream for a second and OH MAN. I want to keep watching just for the schadenfreude. Watching the white male establishment come to grips with their steadily diminishing power is delicious. (Thank god they’re doing it with such dignity. Sarcasm italics!)

10:36: As DistantFred noted in comments: Puerto Rico voted for statehood. The next President may add a state. How amazing is that? (And also two Senate seats – which are probably going to go Democratic.)

10:37: Gloria Borger takes time to explain once again how, if Obama wins, he still does not win because people are not happy.

10:43: Romney Headquarters is apparently very sad. It is also very, very white. Lots of white people glaring at the liberal media cameras and then turning away to stare into their drinks. IT IS DELICIOUS.

10:47: Right now I am counting down to the Daily Show special, because who cares about CNN when there is Daily Show. Also Obama has increased his lead in Ohio. Just as I predicted some time ago, because of BASIC MATH. But Don Lemon is on TV right now and I like Don Lemon, so I will not mock CNN. For a few seconds.

10:49: Wolf Blitzer has PROJECTIONS! Minnesota for Obama, and Arizona for the Mittman Willard Hart.

10:53: Oh, by the way, Joe the Plumber was competing in a House race in Ohio. He is getting his ass kicked. DECISIVELY. This update brought to you by the Good Things Can Still Happen In This World Coalition.

10:56: Candy Crowley in Romneyland: “It is very… subdued in here.” HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

10:58: All night they’ve been hyping the Empire State Building being lit up with red and blue LEDs to show how the electoral vote is progressing like it is a big deal. Uh, CNN, we have the CN Tower with LEDs on it and it’s taller. So there.

10:59: Virginia looking like it will go the way of Florida and Ohio – enough Democratic votes to win it. PROJECTIONS! California, Hawaii and Washington all go to Big Bad Barry O. Mitterary Mitticism gets Idaho and Montana. DAILY SHOW TIME!

11:17: CNN projects Missouri and Wisconsin to Obama. Other networks already calling it for Obama, but we go by CNN here, hippies.

11:19: CNN just called Ohio for Obama and that is THAT.

11:26: The CNN TalkinHedz ™ are blathering about What It All Means, with all the grace and acumen you would expect from a table rounded by Alex Castellanos, David Gergen and Gloria Borger. I did not start the night loathing Gloria Borger, but oh, man, I loathe her ass now.

11:31: Fox News is now reporting that Mitthead is refusing to concede the election and that he has “real doubts” about the results in Ohio. Oh, CHRIST.

11:43: Donald Trump is MELTING DOWN on Twitter. Seriously. He is demanding a “revolution.”

11:52: Fucking McTouchscreen is explaining that, because the GOP won all those empty counties with six people in them, that the USA is therefore a “center right country.” Wolf Blitzer suggests that maybe Obama won’t win the popular vote. And THEN Ohio flips its vote count in favour of Romney, although CNN is not switching its projection.

12:36: Guy on CNN says he sees Romney’s family members and also the guy who was going to head up his transition head into the room and ha HA HA HA HA HA FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUU MITT

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