FLAPJACKS: Are you done with all your Dr. Strange crap yet?
ME: Yes. Why?
FLAPJACKS: Are you sure? I don’t want to have to hear about that giant space magic dragonfly thing again.
ME: I’m sure. What do you want?
FLAPJACKS: I want to use your computer to look at the new G.I. Joe trailer.
ME: What’s wrong with your computer?
FLAPJACKS: My internet connection was stolen by wolves.
ME: I think, for style points, you should have claimed that it was “eaten by dingoes.”
FLAPJACKS: Don’t be silly. Dingoes can’t eat the internet. But wolves, wolves can do many things with an internet connection.
FLAPJACKS: Surf eBay for sheep. Learn about the latest henhouse-robbing techniques. Talk to each other about how foxes are just bitch-asses. That sort of thing. Now lemme watch the trailer already.
ME: That was retarded.
FLAPJACKS: Come on now! It had super-suits! Don’t you remember the super-suits in the old cartoon?
ME: I think you’re wishing that that had happened.
FLAPJACKS: I’m not wrong to do so.
ME: Yes, you are. That trailer made the old cartoon look downright realistic. And the cartoon had, among other things: a talking parrot, approximately forty billion laser beams color-coded by side, a tribe of shapechangers, an alien race living beneath the earth, an army of robots that would make Cylons jealous, a vampire youth machine, Atlanteans, a giant blob which the Joes killed by throwing apples at it, a trip to a parallel universe where some of the team found their own bodies, sea serpents, Cobra trying to steal Alaska because of some technicality regarding a seal, giant energy-sucking cubes of dark matter, a bio-dome in the Antarctic, a device that vaporized all of the world’s money, ghost warriors, a magic conch shell that hypnotized men but not women, time-traveling to ancient Greece, the Baroness disguising herself as a chunky fat guy not once but four separate times, Destro attempting to take over the world with giant vegetables, Cobra shrinking its entire army to miniscule size and hiding in toys given away to needy children, the Egyptian god Set, Cobra setting up its own television channel and trying to take over the world with propaganda, dinosaur stampedes, an evil clone of the talking parrot, subliminal messages in rock songs, a crime telethon, and Sgt. Slaughter.
FLAPJACKS: I bet Sarah Palin saw that episode of G.I. Joe with the Alaska thing like, ten thousand times when she was a kid.
ME: You are not addressing my point, which is that the super-suits are more stupid than all of those other things combined. Also, Snake-Eyes has lips. Who the hell thought that was a good idea?
FLAPJACKS: The same costume designer who gave Batman nipples, obviously. He’s working up to his apex, which is form-fitting latex pants which clearly display a man’s junk in all three dimensions.
ME: And this is a good thing, is it?
FLAPJACKS: I don’t judge. You should be more like me. You’re too judgey.
ME: You notice that Joseph Gordon-Levitt isn’t in any of these commercials? I mean, the guy is supposed to be Cobra Commander. Why is Destro being made out to be the big bad guy?
FLAPJACKS: I will bet you twenty dollars that this is all prequel, and Joseph whatsisname is actually just a Cobra grunt who rises to become Cobra Commander when Destro fucks everything up. Also I bet you by the end of the movie Destro is horribly disfigured and has to wear a mask. You know how I know this? Because this was co-written by the guy who wrote Swordfish. You have to have faith in a man like that!
ME: I don’t remember that one.
FLAPJACKS: Hugh Jackman as a computer hacker.
ME: What, seriously? Have they ever seen a computer hacker?
FLAPJACKS: No, and that is what made the movie totally great. It was all like “hey man what do you think hackers are like in real life?” and then the other guy was all “I bet they are awesome studly dudes” and then he was all “and I bet elite special forces terrorists would totally blow up people and the explosion would be like KERFOWWWWW.” It was a movie written by a shut-in who wished he was James Bond, which is why Hacker Hugh Jackman has to hack something while getting a blowjob.
ME: Because that happens all the time to hackers.
FLAPJACKS: It would if I were a hacker. I would make that sort of occurrence more statistically probable all by myself.
ME: You came over to my apartment to watch a trailer on the internet and you expect me to believe that?
FLAPJACKS: ANYWAY, my point is that Swordfish is a movie totally divorced from reality. And that is why G.I. Joe is going to be great. It’s not going to make any sense whatsoever. And people will be all “maybe this is a satire, like Starship Troopers,” and they will desperately try to make it make sense, but it won’t because it has Marlon Wayans in it, AKA “the least talented Wayans.”
ME: Ahem. Kim Wayans.
FLAPJACKS: Fair point, although I would point out that Shawn Wayans sucked both as a comedian and a pretend DJ.
ME: Hey, whatever happened to T’keyah “Crystal” Keymah, anyway? She was cute.
FLAPJACKS: Wikipedia says she was eaten by dingoes.
FLAPJACKS: Just goes to show you.
Top comment: Damnit, I thought it said super-sluts. And then I was very disappointed by the paucity of super-sluts. — dev