ME: That was a surprisingly unsatisfying set of trailers we just saw.
FLAPJACKS: Says you. I was enthralled to see that we will get another chapter of Resident Evil, and this time in three-dee!
ME: Do you kind of get the feeling that that trailer was intended to be shown in 3D and then… wasn’t shown that way?
FLAPJACKS: You mean with all the shots of Milla whatsername –
FLAPJACKS – whatsername shooting RIGHT AT YOU and then her and the other girl who I assume is supposed to be a clone of Milla jumping backwards through the window and then falling while shooting RIGHT AT YOU through a haze of glass shards? I dunno, maybe they thought “whoa, if we don’t show this in three-dee, maybe the nerds will be all “damn, now I got to see that with the goggles on” and we will make lotsa money”? Like that?
FLAPJACKS: I dunno. Maybe. I kinda think that the actual Resident Evil 3D will just be two hours of Milla bobbing her head back and forth in front of the camera, like in Count Floyd’s Monster Chiller Horror Theatre.
ME: Which will still be more entertaining than Get Him To The Greek. “Hey, remember that one character who was funny for about the first ten minutes he was in Forgetting Sarah Marshall Here’s two hours of him!”
FLAPJACKS: “Also starring Jonah Hill, for some reason. We’re not really sure why, to be honest.”
ME: Jonah Hill is definitely one of those actors who does, like, one thing.
FLAPJACKS: What thing does he do?
ME: I’m not sure. But he does it. Man, does he do it.
FLAPJACKS: I wonder what’s gonna happen when Jonah Hill loses the weight that his doctor probably tells him regularly he should lose for health reasons? I mean, is it going to be like Wayne Knight? Did you see that? He lost all that weight and then he just wasn’t Newman any more.
ME: I hear Wayne Knight does critically acclaimed off-Broadway stuff now, so I doubt he’s worried. I mean, worst-case scenario, he just goes into a closet that’s labeled “Seinfeld Money” and takes out a laundry bag full of hundred dollar bills. The closet is five miles deep.
FLAPJACKS: Will Jonah Hill ever have that kind of closet?
ME: It’s entirely possible he already has one. I bet his has guardian Morlocks in it.
FLAPJACKS: Topic change! Jonah Hex. What do we think?
ME: Well, on the one hand you have a cowboy with a gatling-gun horse and rocket-dynamite crossbows who talks to dead people. That’s kind of awesome. But on the other hand, that’s not Jonah Hex. Jonah Hex doesn’t need a gatling-gun horse or rocket-dynamite crossbows or the powers of the Sixth Sense kid. Jonah Hex only needs a knife and a revolver and pure motherfucking anger to kill you. People who fight Jonah Hex should have gatling-gun horses just so they can find out how useless those things are when you fight Jonah Hex.
FLAPJACKS: So it’s kind of like they made a Batman movie with Adam Sandler as Batman.
ME: Shut up shut up shut up I don’t want Bruce Vilanch to hear that and get ideas for the next Oscar ceremony’s “comedy” bits.
FLAPJACKS: Speaking of which, Grown Ups. What the fuck? I mean, seriously, what the fucking fuck? Wasn’t Adam Sandler’s career over already? I can’t even remember the last three movies he made.
ME: Funny People, Bedtime Stories and You Don’t Mess With the Zohan.
FLAPJACKS: I forgot. You’re like the film-school version of Rain Man.
ME: Look, you have to understand: his movies always make back all the money they cost, and then some. And given that this is a guy whose comedy about an Israeli commando-turned-hairdresser cost ninety million dollars, that says something. Plus, Kevin James is in this one, and after Blart Blart Mall Blart he is apparently a giant cheque in human form, merely waiting to be signed.
FLAPJACKS: Wait, what the fuck is Maria Bello doing in that movie as his wife? Surely there must be some clause that says “there is a limit to how fat and stupid a man can be, even in a Hollywood movie, if Maria Bello is going to play his wife.”
ME: Girls think Kevin James is cuddly. The fact that Sandler gets to have Salma Hayek playing his wife disturbs me a lot more than that. I mean, Adam Sandler’s actual wife is honestly pretty hot. Why does he need Salma Hayek? It’s like he’s rubbing it in that he’s rich and famous.
FLAPJACKS: At least they kept David Spade single in this movie.
ME: I’m pretty sure they learned their lesson when the ending of Joe Dirt, where Spade gets the girl, resulted in a massive increase in cancer diagnoses coinciding with the movie’s release.
FLAPJACKS: There are like, no good trailers before this movie.
ME: Well, we are seeing Macgruber. Isn’t that mostly admitting that we have no standards? The studio people were probably all “oh, whatever, just throw ads for shit we wouldn’t make dogs watch in front of MacGruber. They’re already there anyway. Maybe they’ll decide to buy a ticket.”
FLAPJACKS: No, no, I think they were very deliberately marketing to idiots.
ME: And yet, we are here.
FLAPJACKS: No, you’re here. I’m just a figment of your imagination.
ME: No, you’re not.
FLAPJACKS: Look, run with it, will you? I don’t want people finding out I actually paid money to see MacGruber. If I’m just a figment of your imagination then maybe when somebody I actually know asks me if I went to see MacGruber they will believe my lies.
ME: I doubt it. You’re not trustworthy. You still haven’t returned my wok.