Grading every national anthem, part three

Kazahkstan. A nice, dramatic anthem that’s kind of spoiled because when you listen to it from the start you feel like you came in halfway through instead. 68

Kenya. Sounds like the soundtrack to the most awesome mid-60s nature documentary ever, and specifically the track for the part where the elephants majestically stride across the savannah. This is good, because elephants are awesome and anything one associates with elephants becomes that much better as a result. 84

Kiribati. Generic Anglo-ish castoff, which is not unsuitable for a country which gets its name from the local dialect version of the name the English people gave it when they “discovered” it. 34

North Korea. Look, you knew going in this was going to sound like a song extolling the virtues of a beloved dictator, and if you’re surprised it’s really only your own damn fault, but what’s depressing is how damn sedate this anthem is. Where are the death lasers? I was promised death lasers! 44

South Korea. Fun trivia: this anthem was originally sung to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne.” It may well be horribly ethnocentric to say this, but I think that would have been better than this. 52

Kuwait. Unreasonably cheerful. Kuwait is a tiny little chunk of desert in the middle of the world constantly beset by war. Their anthem should not be so damned perky, you know? I mean, some countries can get away with sentimental, maudlin anthems. It feels like Kuwait missed a golden opportunity here. 37

Kyrgyzstan. Like Kuwait, has a national anthem which is simply named “National Anthem,” which is another reason I marked Kuwait so low. (Come on, Kuwait! Quit slacking!) But Kyrgyzstan’s anthem sounds like some awesome quest music set in an fantasy world, and Kuwait’s doesn’t. That is why this anthem owns. Now, if only it had a title… 76

Laos. Yet another anthem with no title other than “National Anthem” (man, what is up with that?), but this one sounds like some awesome Martian version of Bonanza so we can forgive it. 86

Latvia. You know that scene in Amadeus where King Jeffrey Jones says “there are too many notes” to Mozart? Somebody said “you know what would be great? If my nine-year-old kid and his beginning music class could play this” to the composer of Latvia’s national anthem. 15

Lebanon. Yet another anthem merely titled “National Anthem,” which is starting to get worrisome. This one sounds kind like of the one you might have sung at summer camp. The really good summer camp, mind you, rather than the summer camp where you made up lyrics to make fun of your counselors and maybe also include Batman in there somewhere. 55

Lesotho. Nothing particularly inspired about this anthem, but it is short and sweet, much like Lesotho itself, and gets nothing wrong, and that is admirable. 70

Liberia. Although the blending of African-style call and response with Western-style anthemic composition is a nice idea, the problem is that this anthem was written in English and therefore does not get the “translation excuse” for its terrible, terrible lyrics. “With heart and hand our country’s cause defending / We’ll meet the foe with valour unpretending” just makes you think the composer got really desperate towards the end. 46

Libya. I know I’m supposed to be reviewing Libya’s anthem here, but what really gets me is that every single comment on every single one of the Libyan anthem clips on Youtube is about how Libya’s all-green flag is silly (or occasionally “no, fuck you, we’re awesome and so is our green flag”). The Libyan flag is the Godwin of all discussion about Libya. I’m pretty sure if you watched enough newscasts back during the Lockerbie bombing, sooner or later one of the newscasters would point out that Libya’s flag is just all-green. Anyway, this anthem feels like taking a bunch of anthems and sewing the openings of all them together into a Frankenstein’s Overture. Which would probably be dressed in green. 28

Liechtenstein. Is, no kidding, just “God Save The Queen” with new lyrics. You kind of have to admire Liechtenstein’s balls. I mean, it’s a little snippet of a country that only exists because people need somewhere slightly less scrupulous than Switzerland to bank and it’s closer to Paris than the Cayman Islands are, and they just got up and ripped off “God Save The Queen.” Honestly, I’m impressed. 75

Lithuania. I always wondered why, once he revealed that he was not a horrible Commie Soviet but instead a heroic Lithuanian underdog, Nikolai Volkoff did not sing this when he came down to ringside. Instead, he waved an American flag and sang “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Which is a shame, because the Lithuanian anthem is honestly quite pretty. 80

Luxembourg. Luxembourg has had a lot of experience being a dinky little country surrounded by much bigger countries, so it knows how to have an anthem when you are that sort of country: start small and pleasant so nobody thinks you’re putting on airs, but end with a flourish so they know that despite your size you still have heart. That’s how to be small with style. 87

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