8:51: Martha Raddatz is explaining that if you do not turn off your cell phone, you will run the risk of being humiliated forever.
8:56: CNN Talkinhedz ™ are explaining that either this debate is incredibly important or totally meaningless. I should probably switch to Newsworld, but my TV’s reception on CNN is better and it makes Paul Ryan look so much more handsome, and that’s the important thing.
9:01: Hey, when was the last time Wolf Blitzer wasn’t a joke? The first Gulf War, maybe?
9:02: And they are out. Biden has a big fuck-you smile. Ryan’s dead eyes are in full effect.
9:03: LIBYA! The embassy attack. Was it an intelligence failure? Biden: It was a tragedy, and we will find and bring to justice the people who did it, and it won’t happen again. But unlike Mitt Romney, we’re ending the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and by the way we killed Bin Laden, and Mitt Romney is a dipshit who wasn’t concerned about any of that and probably wants to go to war in Iran. Ryan: they should’ve called it a terrorist attack, and shouldn’t we have Marines guarding our embassies, and why are they blaming us for politicizing it, and Benghazi is just the symptom of everything going bad. Biden is GRINNING LIKE A JACKAL at Ryan’s response. Raddatz: how about when you put out a statement on the day of the attacks? Wasn’t that inappropriate? Ryan: we should always stand up for freedom and by the way, we can’t cut defense.
9:08: BIDEN: “With all due respect, that’s a load of malarky.” DAMN! He points out that Ryan voted to cut embassy security, that Romney made a statement before anybody knew any facts on the ground, that Obama has brought the world together on Iran. Raddatz asks Biden, basically, what he knew and when he knew it? Biden: the intelligence community told us what they happened, and then they learned some more and changed their minds. And then he slams the GOP for attacking Obama during a crisis. BIDEN CAME TO PLAY BALL, MOTHERFUCKERS
9:12: Ryan agrees with Raddatz that apologies are merited for when American troops piss on enemy corpses, but then goes back to attack about the lack of Marines in Benghazi. Switch to Iran! Raddatz talks about how a strike on Iran would not work and asks what each candidate’s position on a strike would be. Ryan: we can’t let Iran get nukes, and Obama fought for strenous sanctions which would have prevented Iran from getting more fissile material, and Obama is sending mixed signals, and we can’t let Iran get nukes, and Obama is a wimpy-wimp who is afraid to use the military. Biden: you think we would’ve gotten Russia and China on board with Republicans at the helm? Romney’s already said the sanctions are enough, what more do they want? Besides, all of the intelligence communities agree that Iran is still quite a ways from nuclear missiles. Then he fact-checks Ryan’s talk about fissile material, pointing out that Iran needs a missile in order for it to be any use.
9:17 “They’re spinning the centrifuges faster.” What does that EVEN MEAN, Paul Ryan? And then he bitches about Israel and that Obama went on “The View.” Raddatz points out that Netanyahu has promised to basically attack by spring and asks the guys what they’d do. Ryan: well, you get them to change their minds. Raddatz: how will you do that? Ryan: you have to have credibility. Ryan is looking like a real putz here. Biden then makes him look like even more of a putz with, like, facts, and points out again that Iran is totally isolated. Ryan again brags about sanctions. Biden: they don’t have a weapon. “Facts matter.” As does the world being behind you.
9:21: Back to Gates’ statement about a strike being disastrous. Ryan: Obama is encouraging Iran and they watered down the sanctions that manly Republicans put in place, then does some standard anti-Iran rhetoric. Biden: war has to be the last resort, and the sanctions are working, and we don’t bluff.
9:23: ECONOMY! Can you get unemployment below 6 percent? Biden: yes, but remember, we came into office in the middle of a disaster, at which time Romney said “no, let’s let the auto industry go under, let’s let houses go under,” and then references the 47% comment and Ryan’s 30% taker tax, and he is PISSED about this, and barking angry, and oh my god it’s so awesome. He references Grover Norquist and their blind fealty to his no-taxes pledge, then attacks them for wanting tax cuts for the super-wealthy. Ryan attacks the unemployment rate in Scranton and says “that’s how it’s going all over America,” and Biden jumps in and attacks but gets cut off by the moderator. Ryan: wrong direction! Wrong direction! Five point plan! Biden looks like he wants to punch him in the face. Then he explains that Mitt Romney brought gifts to a struggling family at Christmas, and gave 30 percent of his income to charity (well, most of that was actually the Mormon Church) and then zings Biden for being a gaffe machine.
9:29: Biden: “if you think the 47 percent comment was a mistake… I got a bridge to sell ya.” Biden talks about the accident that killed his daughter and first wife, gets a little hoarse-voiced, says he doesn’t doubt Romney’s commitment to individuals, but then says Romney would’ve let the auto industry go under, and then says that if the GOP would get out of the way, “stop talking about how you care” and savages the GOP for causing all the problems in the first place, and for everybody thinking it, Obama could NEVER HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH THIS, because black, and you know it.
9:31: Ryan: they had full control of the government when they came into office! (Not actually true.) He complains about cronyism and Biden starts groaning, pointing out that the inspector-general found precisely dick, and that Ryan asked for the stimulus he just whined about twice because “it would create growth and jobs! HIS WORDS!” Oh god this is beautiful. Ryan starts whining about borrowing money from China. Biden: it was a good idea and ratings agencies saying it was a good idea.
9:34: ENTITLEMENTS! Ryan: they’re going bankrupt! But we’ll only fix Social Security and Medicare for young people, not you old people who vote. And he GOES to the $716 BILLION FROM MEDICARE WELL and you can just SEE Biden lining up his swing like a clutch hitter, he’s trying not to giggle, it’s beautiful. Ryan goes through the usual gaggle of bullshit about their unworkable healthcare plan. Biden compares Ryan to Palin (SICK BURN), explains the $716 billion figure accurately, points out that the AMA and AARP endorsed it, that seniors got more benefits, then slams Ryan for, yeah, vouchers, like his original plan, and then goes FULL ROOSEVELT with a “trust me, folks, it’s not gonna cost any more” mock on Ryan. Ryan says “they got caught with their hands in the cookie jar” and that hospitals will go out of business (and he’s straight up lying, and Biden starts attacking hardcore him for lying) and Ryan actually says Biden is “under duress” and Biden is getting MORE AND MORE PISSED.
9:40: Ryan claims his plan is bipartisan. Biden points out that Ron Wyden disavowed the plan. Biden: “If they allowed Medicare to bargain for pharmaceuticals they would save $156 billion.” Ryan lies again about loss of choices. Raddatz asked about raising the age of eligibility, and Biden goes back to the Reagan era and says that they found a deal then to make the system solvent for fifty years without raising eligibility age, then attacks the voucher plan. Ryan whines about “stale tactics” and that Biden is fearmongering. Social Security privatizaion debate: Ryan talks a lot of crap and then Biden cuts through it, and then says straight up the GOP wants to kill Medicare and Social Security. Ryan is getting whinier and whinier.
9:44: TAXES. If your ticket is elected, who will pay more in taxes? Biden: middle class less, millionaires more, let the wealthy Bush tax cuts lapse. Then he says they want to extend the Bush tax cuts for the middle class permanently – which is a terrible idea, let’s be fair – and then says that the GOP is holding middle-class tax cuts hostage and rich people don’t need help. Ryan: we need to grow the economy and create jobs and we will create seven million jobs, and you can’t pay the budget with taxes on rich people alone (good thing nobody is proposing that). Biden is grinning again like a motherfucker because Ryan really is just not that smart and then Ryan references Canada’s corporate tax cuts, which, FYI, didn’t really help at all here just so you guys know. Then Ryan talks about loopholes being closed and mocks the “five trillion” remark.
9:49: Raddatz: does Ryan actually have specifics about how you’ll pay for your tax cuts? Ryan gives a non-answer and Raddatz asks again. Ryan gives another non-answer and talks about “framework” and the six bogus studies that say his plan is feasible. Biden desperately wants to respond to this and: 97 percent of small businesses make less than $250,000 a year, but they want to count hedge funds (saying the words like “dead hobos”) as small businesses, then points out that they want to exempt the capital gains exemption from their loophole plans, and says you have to cut mortgage exemptions and charitable deductions and healthcare deductions and it’s not mathematically possible. Ryan says NO IT TOTALLY IS and still refuses to give details in the name of getting things done. Ryan then goes to the Romney Is Bipartisan well.
9:53: Raddatz wants to know how else Biden will balance the budget, Biden says “well, let the Bush cuts elapse” and then Ryan starts talking about how the math really and truly works and Biden wants him to guarantee the mortgage deduction will be untouched for people earning less than $100K and Ryan just talks over it. Then we switch to the military in a hurry. Ryan blasts the military cuts and how they cannot be cut. Biden then says, pointedly, that Ryan VOTED FOR THE DEAL that provides for the automatic cuts, and that the military and the Joint Chiefs wants a smaller, leaner military.
9:57: Afghanistan! Ryan: We agree with the transition! We agree with the 2014 date! But we would have done it differently from how Obama is doing it, which is Bad, and military cuts are also bad. Biden: I’ve been to Afghanistan and Iraq twenty times, we’ve killed Bin Laden, we’ve trained the Afghan military, and we’ve done that, so we’re drawing down gradually, and Ryan and Romney say “it depends” but no, it doesn’t, we’re leaving, the primary objectives are basically completed, so let’s go. Ryan: well, we don’t WANT to stay, and Obama’s foreign policy is a failure everywhere and also jobs, for some reason, and we don’t want to give an exact date for when we leave because if we leave then the terrorists will know we are leaving. Ryan’s total lack of foreign policy acumen is really glaring here. Biden: 49 of our allies are leaving. Everybody agrees. Raddatz: do you think the Taliban is taking advantage of the timeline? Biden: if you don’t set a timeline, they won’t step up and they’ll just keep letting us do the job. (I think this is going to be a painfully effective argument.) Raddatz: What about the surge troop drawdown? Was that political? Biden: we announced the surge’s end when we began the surge, and we followed the Joint Chiefs’ reaction. You can’t wait; it takes months to draw down forces.
10:05: In a surreal moment, Ryan is lecturing Biden about the weather in Afghanistan, and Biden again just destroys him because Biden knows this stuff to the bone from thirty years plus of foreign policy experience and Ryan got two hours to prepare for this part of the debate because he has none. Biden is SHOUTING at him by the end. Oh god Biden is finally showing Paul Ryan the total lack of respect he has always deserved and it is GLORIOUS.
10:08: What about Syria? BIDEN: It’s a different country and it’s totally different because it’s right in the middle of everything instead of being in a bunch of mountains in the middle of nowhere. Romney keeps saying “we need to do more” but seriously, folks, what the fuck are they gonna do? Start another ground war? When you ask Romney about what he’s actually gonna do, he has to admit he wouldn’t do anything different, and if they want to do something different, they should nut up and say so. Ryan: nobody’s going to send troops to Syria! What WE would do is not refer at one single point to Assad as a “reformer” and we wouldn’t let Putin have veto power in the Security Council, because Paul Ryan lives in a magical elf world where he thinks the President can do that. Biden is taking notes. FEAR HIS NOTES.
10:11: Biden: “What – would – my – friend – do – differently?” And then he just starts punching Ryan in the face. no, I just imagined that, sorry. “We’re not going through the UN.” Raddatz: “What happens if Assad hangs on?” Ryan: It will be bad and we will lose credibility, but we should have worked with freedom fighters earlier, and then explains that if he had been in charge he somehow would have kept Russia from giving Syria weapons, because magical elf world. Raddatz: “what is your criteria for intervention generally?” Ryan: Strategic American interests, although he bobbles a bit when he gets asked about humanitarian intervention.
10:15: Raddatz wants to ask about abortion and how their respective Catholic faiths have informed their beliefs thereof. Ryan says that his faith tells him how he should protect the vulnerable and then is promptly struck by lightning. Then he talks about seeing his baby on the ultrasound and says he’s straight-up pro-life and that the Romney administration will only protect exemptions for rape, incest and health of the mother (which is debatable, but this is probably the most honest Ryan has been all night, so what the hell, let him have it). Then he complains about Obamacare interfering with faith because he can’t go five minutes without bullshitting.
10:17: Biden talks about the Catholic social doctrine. He accepts his church’s position on abortion, but refuses to impose it on other people, and says it’s a decision between a woman and her doctor, and then tears into Ryan on the interference with faith issue because it’s bullshit, and points out that Ryan has in the past not been interested in rape/incest/health exemptions. Ryan basically admits this, but says that Romney will have policy! Because you can trust Romney. Raddatz wants more details and Ryan says he thinks elected officials and not judges should decide how these things should be determined, and then Biden drops the Supreme Court hammer and points out how close the Roe v. Wade decision is.
10:21: Raddatz wants the candidates to complain about negative campaigning because a soldier doesn’t like it. Biden: we’re obligated to the troops, and troops are great, and by the way Mitt Romney said that soldier was a leech. Both of us probably regret some of the things that are said about this campaign, and Citizens United just made it worse, and the most important things a President can have is conviction and compassion, and Romney is kind of shit out of luck on both of those. Ryan: Well, we couldn’t cut the military and Obama is blame blame blame and Ryan’s lines are AWFUL, by the way, they have been all night, and then he just blames Obama a lot more after complaining about Obama’s campaign being too negative. Ryan is really coming off as a whiny little prick, frankly. Biden is TAKING NOTES again and has his “oh man am I pissed with this little turd” face. Biden: Ryan’s budgets MURDER the middle class so it can give tax cuts, and Ryan voted to put two tax cuts on a credit card so who the fuck is this guy, really?
10:28: Raddatz: What can you bring to the table personally? Ryan: I can work with Democrats! I’m VERY SERIOUS! Biden: I’m genuine and honest, and I’m all about the middle class and treating people fairly.
10:29: Closing statements! Biden: Thanks, everybody, NOW BEERS ON ME! Nah, just kidding. OR AM I? but really, Biden is all “we need to help people who need help, oh, and you know how I’m frustrated with them being douchebags? Yeah, they’re really douchebags, and fuck these people, they hate you and what you stand for, and all you normal folks want is a fair go and peace of mind, and Turdboy here would fuck you in the ass for a dollar.” Ryan: “Thanks! And I WOULD fuck you in the ass for a dollar!” Nah, it’s more of the “Obama had his chance, so let us try our disastrous plans all over again because maybe this time they work, and Mitt Romney created jobs so how about we let him do that in the Presidency even though he did not so much do that.”
10:32: And that’s that. Raddatz did a decent job as moderator. Ryan was a worthless little schmuck. Biden just became every Democrat’s favrit.