FLAPJACKS: Hey, did you ever see Junior? That movie where Arnold Schwarzenegger gets pregnant?
ME: No.
FLAPJACKS: I didn’t either. Did they ever explain how the hell he was able to get pregnant without a uterus? I mean, I know he took Miracle Drugs which let him get pregnant even though he was a man, that’s the point of the movie. But he has no uterus. Do the Miracle Drugs like, give him a temporary uterus?
ME: I have no idea.
FLAPJACKS: Maybe they make the placenta into a temporary uterus. But in the movie Arnold is visibly pregnant. Maybe the temporary uterus is inside his stomach lining? The baby obviously can’t be in the stomach because of the acid, though, so that doesn’t work.
ME: I still have no idea.
FLAPJACKS: …aha! The appendix!
ME: Aha?
FLAPJACKS: The appendix does nothing, right? So maybe that is where the baby ends up. In a vestigial organ! My god, I’m brilliant.
ME: But the appendix is connected to the beginning of the large intestine. I don’t think your plan works unless you are going to drown the fetus in poop.
FLAPJACKS: The super-placenta theory takes care of that. It creates a poop-barrier. Not a barrier made of poop, a barrier against poop. +5 versus poop, if you will. Also, if you think about it, the appendix being the man-uterus makes sense because it’s connected to the intestine and therefore provides a natural birthing route for the baby.
ME: …wait, you’re saying that male natural childbirth as in Junior is to shit the baby out?
FLAPJACKS: Well, where else is the baby gonna come out?
ME: Putting aside the question of whether a baby could pass through one’s intestines without A) suffocating or B) rupturing the intestines –
FLAPJACKS: Ahem: Miracle Drugs. Done. Next question.
ME: – okay, whatever, but you’re still talking about a labour that would be at least a twenty-hour shit, basically. Probably much longer, because the baby would be bigger and therefore proceed more slowly.
FLAPJACKS: Well, it is only proper that childbirth take a long time and be somewhat painful. Men should not get out of that. Plus, after you finally gave birth –
ME: I hope to god that is a general “you” and not a specific one.
FLAPJACKS: Okay, wimp, after one gave birth, it would be euphoric in the way that only a truly great bowel movement can be. Except you also get a baby.
ME: I think this is the most awful conversation we have ever had.
FLAPJACKS: How did they deal with the birthing issue in Junior, anyway?
ME: Wikipedia says Arnold had a Caesarean.
FLAPJACKS: Wimp.
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I’m reminded of the Coyote legend of the shit baby–wherein Coyote believed he was pregnant, took a particularly large dump, and then wrapped it in a blanket and showed it off as a child–but my google-fu is weak; I can’t find it online.
There went my appetite.
Candlejack: There’s a version of that story in Sandman, where the trickster-figure (Loki) is actively deceiving one of the other Norse gods into thinking he’s pregnant. It’s one of those universal stories that almost certainly didn’t originate with Gaiman, but could easily have come from the Norse tradition rather than the Native American one.
Well, I know it’s a Coyote story–I learned it in college from our local folklore enthusiast, Professor Pavich, as an example of the trickster being tricked. But it would hardly be unusual for very similar stories to appear in different cultures.
Obvs the ‘uterus’ was Arnold’s scrotum.
Okay, but (and as a man I am only going by the knowledge gleaned from Pop Culture here) isn’t giving birth sort of like a twenty hour dump anyway?
Why no, I have never put this question to a woman before, why do you ask?
Laughing. Audibly. Thank you, this lightened up my mood, however briefly.
I am ashamed that I know this:
They basically attached the embryo to the inside of the abdominal wall. The intention was always to remove it once they’d proved that their drugs could prevent miscarriage even in the most extreme circumstances, but for various reasons, Arnold decided to keep the baby and, yes, it was delivered by c-section. “Natural” childbirth was never a factor in the equation.
Damn you both for reminding me of this film, and damn my brain’s tendency to retain useless trivia. I’m going to try drinking until I forget again.
i was quite young when that movie came out, and i hadnt quite realized that ‘arnold schwarzenegger’ was the name of the actor. i somehow thought it was the ‘civilian identity’ (superheroes!) of the terminator (which was another movie i had only heard of, and seen the posters of). so it seemed to me that ‘junior’ must be a movie about the terminator being pregnant, and it confused the hell out of me.