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mygif

Actually, Fiorina is Trump without the stupid and without the charm. She managed to permanently piss off over a hundred thousand polite and forgiving Hewlett-Packard employees.

Even her former campaign staff hate her.

http://www.ifyouonlynews.com/politics/ex-staffers-tell-carly-fiorina-id-rather-go-to-iraq-than-work-for-her-again/

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mygif

Hilarious. Well done!

I think you’re underestimating two people. One is Rubio — he’s able to appeal to conservatives and his demographics may give him enough boost to do well in the early primary states. The second is Trump — he has no chance, but he’s also too stubborn to quit, and he will throw half a billion dollars into campaigning right up to the convention no matter how poorly he does. He might even do the dreaded third party run. He’s that stupid and crazy (but, it should be said, less stupid and crazy than some of his competitors.)

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Stephen Crosby said on August 5th, 2015 at 9:00 pm

This was the greatest rundown I’ve read, especially the bit about Ted Cruz.

There is however one thing that should be pointed out, you have the dates wrong on Rand Paul and Marco Rubio. They were elected to the Senate during the 2010 mid-terms, so they would have to run again in 2016. Florida and Kentucky law would prevent them from running for both offices, however. Rubio already announced he’s not running again for Senate, but Paul is trying every trick in the book to have his cake and eat it too.

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Anonymous said on August 5th, 2015 at 10:27 pm

I wouldn’t rule out Trump’s chances. I wouldn’t rule them either – I really have no idea what to make of it and I don’t think anyone does. It seems to me it’s pretty unfamiliar ground. Basically a big shrug there.

re: Jeb! – It’s not clear to me that he’s actually capable of presenting himself as a moderate. The prevailing wisdom on him was that he was a moderate, and he’s moderate in the context of the Republican primary. But I think it’ll be relatively easy for a Democratic campaign to position him as a radical. He also strikes me as a fairly maladroit, unskilled political operator, which doesn’t help on that front.

re: Lindsey Graham – probably worth noting that he wasn’t just running for vanity; he was also running to yell at Rand Paul for not being sufficiently hawkish. Luckily for him the race kind of developed in such a way where that didn’t need to be said, so now he’s just out there having fun with it.

re: Scott Walker you didn’t mention that he looks like a sweaty sack of potatoes. But, yes, he is probably one of the frontrunners, as insane as that seems, because the 2016 GOP primary is the weirdest thing ever.

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For the record, Carly Fiorina’s weaknesses should also include “Everything she did while CEO of a Fortune 500 Company”.

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Spacegeek said on August 6th, 2015 at 6:56 am

Very nice! (My only nitpick is that Rubio was the thirsty one, not Jindal.)

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@Remus: You are correct about Trump (well, at the very least, you make as good a guess as anyone about what the hamsters in his skull are making him do this week). He is just as likely to fling millions away in a doomed third-party bid as he is to quit in a huff. In neither situation, though, will he be even within sniffing distance of the nomination by the convention. :)

Stephen Crosby: Thanks for the correction. I’d swear I looked right at those dates and saw 2014, but I was writing it at work, so I might have been distracted by actual productive expectations. :) That makes what they’re doing inexcusably dumb–both of them should either have pulled the trigger in 2012, or waited until an off-year. Senators have the luxury of timing their bids to a greater extent than any other office-holder, and I can’t believe they’re gambling this hard on a primary season like this.

@Anonymous: I agree, Jeb is a moderate only in terms of the other people on this list. The article is intended to be taken strictly in the context of winning the nomination, not the general election. I don’t see any of these guys prevailing against any of the Democratic candidates, because they’re almost universally terrible at campaigning. The only one I think can actually connect with an electorate is Jeb, and he’s handicapped by the connection to the Worst President Ever.

@Spacegeek: Thank you for the correction as well. It’s probably just as well; Jindal doesn’t lend himself to humor, because the things he does generally have such terrible consequences for the people of his state that I feel bad for making fun of them. Defunding Medicare just isn’t funny, y’know?

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mygif

You should do a post like this for the Democratic candidates. I’d like to know all Hillary’s faults.

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Brian Smith said on August 6th, 2015 at 7:09 pm

It was easier to find humor in Bobby Jindal when “30 Rock” was on and people were comparing him to Kenneth the Page.

And I never forgave Jindal for his list of “wasteful spending” that included “$140 million for something called ‘volcano monitoring.'” He needed that factoid to set up the line, “What Congress SHOULD be monitoring is the eruption in wasteful spending!”, but the benefits of volcano monitoring are blatantly obvious, and I was oddly gratified at the backlash against him.

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philippos42 said on August 7th, 2015 at 1:30 am

Ted Cruz is the Joe McCarthy of our age.
_

It seems to me that in the USA, political popularity trumps justice. Scott Walker can keep out of prison so long as he runs and people vote for him. This presidential bid is going to keep him a free man. I think there’s no way any prosecutor would dare indict the most recent GOP nominee, and even a second-place finisher may be popular enough to be safe. Pre-Iowa, just being a pack leader may be enough to keep him safe, and the Kochs can pay enough to maintain that illusion.

:(

Well, I hope you’re right and I’m wrong about that.

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mygif

@philippos42: Prosecutors love indicting rich and powerful people. The richer and more powerful the better, in fact. Why? Chris Christie’s path to the governorship, as well as Rudy Giuliani’s path to his political power, came through being a prosecutor who got headlines from busting the powerful. They parlayed that reputation into their own high-profile careers.

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philippos42 said on August 7th, 2015 at 10:43 pm

Political popularity is different though, because it’s not just about money, it’s about the support of the masses and the party–support an ambitious prosecutor who aspires to office may want not to sacrifice. Who wants to be the guy who locked up the hero of the people?

If Walker’s going to be indicted, it needs to be before he’s a hero to 100 million Republican voters, or the prosecutor who does it becomes the enemy of a third of the country.

I hope Walker self-destructs; I hope the Republican base turn on him. But I suspect, and I fear, that he is protected simply by being on a national stage and looking like a prospect–unless he loses the nomination and it isn’t close.

But wait, you say, what about Iran/Contra? What about Watergate?

Well, you may be right. Maybe it is possible to bring down a popular politician that way. I hope you’re right.

….

OK, I’m gonna say you’re probably right. Walker isn’t that likeable.

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London Hobo said on August 8th, 2015 at 2:16 am

Boy, John Seavey sure likes talking about Vox Day. I’m sure if Vox Day wasn’t busy running a successful blog and publishing company, he’d probably reciprocate.

I see “racist” now means whatever the accuser wants it to. Good to know.

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mygif

Hee! Angry Vox Day supporters are the only thing more hilariously impotent than Vox Day. Please, tell me more about how successful he is!

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mygif

Just a couple of points:
1) You’re underselling Kasich. He’s a relatively popular governor from a key toss-up state who actually polls well in his own state (even Walker can’t claim that).
2) You’re wrong about Rubio not paying for this campaign. He’s had to drop from running for re-election in the Senate because state law bars him from being on the ballot for multiple offices. So he’s in this for the big ring. He may not make the nomination but if the winner is anybody but Jeb he becomes the front-runner VP choice and he can set himself up at the top name for 2020.
3) Rand Paul just had his campaign rocked by arrests, so he’s struggling there.
4) Jeb’s weakness is not that he’s “moderate” or that he pretends to be – his pandering to the religious right on Schiavo costs him even today – but that he’s turning out to be a weak campaigner. His debate appearances have been stumbles and he makes far too many gaffes.

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Brian Smith said on August 9th, 2015 at 12:01 am

Re: Jeb and the Bush dynasty: I wonder if Gerald Ford ever realized just how profoundly he affected the future of the world by not saying in 1980, “Sure, I’ll be a vice president again! Whatever the party needs me to do.”

Totally off-topic, except that I’m thinking about Gerald Ford now: Remember Jeff Gannon, the White House “reporter” for “Talon News” who had like zero credentials whatsoever? After he resigned in early 2005, he used to post on his blog the questions that *he* would ask the White House that the mainstream media were ignoring. The only one I remember was after Pope John Paul II died; Gannon said he would have asked why Gerald Ford wasn’t invited to attend the funeral at the Vatican. I kind of wish I’d gotten to see Scott McClellan say, “Because he’s a frail 91-year-old whose term ended almost two years before the papacy. Next question?”

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mygif

I think you’re actually overselling Trump (yes, overselling the man you said had zero chance). My take is that he’s not genuinely interested in being president. This is Trump doing what he has always done – promoting his brand, promoting himself, stamping his feet and yelling for attention, getting his face in front of cameras and his name in headlines. But that is his goal – get attention, make money. There is no step two. He will not be president because he is not trying to become president, the nomination is merely a convenient platform. I expect he will be out of the race before the first primary.

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mygif

Trump will go far, because the novelty of a celebrity candidate will cause many people to ironically vote for him. Also because America is sick of Washington insiders. Or something.

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mygif

While most aspects of Jindal are tragic rather than funny, he did participate in an exorcism in college once, so that’s always on the table when looking for a way to crack jokes about him.

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Cookie McCool said on August 19th, 2015 at 10:14 pm

To be factually accurate, Wisconsin is Middle Mordor.

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mygif

Bet you fifty bucks you’re wrong
http://time.com/trump/

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Soon the cracks you made about Bobby Jindal and drinking water, could you have been thinking of Marco Rubio’s tiny water bottle state of the union response thing? Or does Jindal have some other kind of water related shenanigans that I have been heretofore unaware of?? If you did just mix up Rubio and Jindal I pretty much think that tells you everything you need to know about both of them and the fact that apparently no one else noticed for over a month tell you everything you need to now about what people think about the field.

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GenRincewind said on May 16th, 2016 at 2:22 pm

Reading this in 2016

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA.
So wrong you were.

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mygif

In fairness, I only got one wrong. :)

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