(SCENE: The Beguiling, in Toronto. I have entered to purchase a copy of the recently released The Order trade paperback – only $12.99 US, folks! Chris Butcher wanders up while I am looking for it.)
BUTCHER: Mr. Bird.
ME: Mr. Butcher.
BUTCHER: I love that we’re cordial.
ME: Likewise.
BUTCHER: So what were you looking for?
ME: That The Order trade.
BUTCHER: Here you go. Say, while you’re here, would you be interested in any of our ten-dollar Marvel hardcovers?
(He waves at a bunch of stacks of Marvel hardcover comics, mostly remaindered.)
ME: I dunno…
BUTCHER: We’ve got X-Men: Deadly Genesis…
ME: …I suppose ten bucks isn’t bad for Ed Brubaker stuff.
BUTCHER: And NewUniversal…
ME: Not sure about that one. I remember it being very Ellis-y.
BUTCHER: Oh, it’s quite Ellis-y.
ME: But not quite as Ellis-y as, say, Doktor Sleepless.
BUTCHER: No, it’s definitely not that Ellis-y.
OTHER BEGUILING GUY: It’s Ellis-y enough that you know it’s Ellis, but not quite so Ellis-y that you feel this is something you have already read three times.
ME: Ah, what the hell. Ten bucks means I can trade it in to a used bookstore for practically no loss later on if I decide I don’t want it.
BUTCHER: Sounds good.
ME: Anything else you want to try to sell me on?
BUTCHER: I’ve got X-Factor hardcovers…
ME: Got those last time.
BUTCHER: Moon Knight?
ME: Not so much my thing.
BUTCHER: But I thought you were all about trying before you buy. You know, with the illegal downloads.
ME: Technically not illegal in Canada.
BUTCHER: Whatever.
ME: And I did try. The entire point of “try before you buy” is that sometimes, you don’t buy. This is one of those times.
BUTCHER: I can’t imagine Marvel will be happy about that.
ME: I’m walking out of here with three Marvel books so far, all of which I read through illegal downloads before buying them. If Dan Slott wants to come after me with a baseball bat, that’s his problem.
OTHER BEGUILING GUY: He’s a big guy. Do you think you could take him?
ME: I bet he gets winded easily.
BUTCHER: Ah – volume one of Wolverine: Enemy of the State.
ME: Hm. On the one hand, it’s completely brainless. I mean completely brainless.
BUTCHER: But on the other hand, it’s Mark Millar giving John Romita Jr. an excuse to draw six issues of fight scenes. Twelve, if you count volume two, of which we currently have none. Is that not worth ten dollars?
ME: You have made a sale.
BUTCHER: All right, so…
(A pause.)
ME: What?
BUTCHER: Would you like a copy of Storm in hardcover?
ME: Wait, are you asking me if I want to pay for it?
BUTCHER: Are you?
ME: Christ no.
BUTCHER: Why not?
ME: Well, for starters, I don’t like Storm.
BUTCHER: Not at all?
ME: Not even a little.
BUTCHER: It has Black Panther in it, I think.
ME: Still, it says “Storm” on the cover, and that means I am not spending ten dollars on it.
OTHER BEGUILING GUY: But it’s written by Eric Jerome Dickey. He’s an important novelist.
ME: No.
BUTCHER: Okay, your bargaining skills are shrewd. One dollar.
ME: …I don’t know…
BUTCHER: Oh, come on! One dollar! For a hardcover comic book! You can’t do much better than that!
ME: You’re forgetting the mental anguish.
BUTCHER: What mental anguish?
ME: From buying a copy of Storm.
OTHER BEGUILING GUY: Eric Jerome Dickey wants you to buy it.
ME: That’s nice of him. No.
BUTCHER: But you could take it to the used bookstore right after you buy it and sell it. You’d be making a profit.
ME: Off Storm? Geez, Butcher, why don’t you just ask me to be a drug mule instead? It’s more respectable.
BUTCHER: Okay. Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna give you this copy of Storm.
ME: You seem awfully desperate to get rid of this book.
BUTCHER: I think they’re starting to breed. Come on. Take it. Free book.
ME: Wow. This is amazing.
OTHER BEGUILING GUY: “Dear Penthouse Letters (and Eric Jerome Dickey): I never thought this could happen to me…”
BUTCHER: Take it.
ME: Oh, all right.
(Butcher hands it over, and as he does so…)
BUTCHER: …butyouhavetoblogaboutit.
(At that precise moment the book falls into my hands.)
ME: NO! DAMN YOOOOOOU!
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26 users responded in this post
Well, think of all the other uses for it.
1. Start a fire
2. Wipe your ass
3. Bird cage liner
4. Balance wobbly tables
5. Buckler Shield
6. Wipe up spills (I have no idea how absorbent it is but it must be better then a shirt)
See? what a deal you have found! Champagne!
Dude. You just missed a perfect opportunity to yell “KHAAAAAAAN!!”
Funny.
And damn *you* for reminding me that *The Beguiling* is one of the many things I miss about Toronto now that I no longer live or work there. I’d just about got *over* that pain.
I loved browsing in there…and then seeing if *Suspect Video* next door had the latest obscure movie I’d just found out about (they usually did).
Storm HC for free, huh? I think you still got gypped.
Wolverine Enemy of the State, I just bought that for my store’s 40% off. A book in which Wolverine estimates he has killed 50,000 doodz. Excellent.
Very good post. Very Oscar Wilde-esque.
Wolverine is a character that, in my opinion, really only works in a story like Enemy of the State. Once you start trying to reveal his mysterious past and whatnot, you reveal the man behind the curtain and the story just falls apart.
Personally, I regard Enemy of the State as a seperate maxi-series, given that the Wolverine series blew chunks BEFORE Millar (Larsen and Rucka in particular), and after (Guggenheim)
Damn. Can’t edit post to shill new blog
That was a rather Faustian exchange at the end there. Does Faust get his soul back? I forget.
For your sake, I hope so.
So….. when do we get this review of Storm?
Review of the Storm HC: It sucks.
Each issue of Doktor Sleepless contains 100% of your yearly value of Ellis-ness. It’s a bit like a flu shot.
…I can tell a post is really fucking funny when it gives me sore cheeks and a coughing fit. I salute you, sir!
I want to see the historical novel version.
“I say, good sir, have you perchance any interest in our fine Marvel hardcovers?”
BUUUUUTCHERRRRRRRRRRRR
God, I don’t know if that’s better or worse than my old comic shop. Here’s what me trying to buy the Order would sound like there:
Me bringing up The Order for checkout.
Guy: Why are you buying that? It’s being cancelled.
Me: Yes, but it’s /good/.
Guy: But it’s being cancelled, you’re wasting your money.
AGH.
Also, newuniversal (lowercase is how it’s supposed to be) is, I find, to be excruciatingly good. … And then it just ends. Fuckin Ellis and his inability to stay focused on a project at hand and so he starts up about 17 new books a month.
Man, I just envy that you have a decent comic store that has discount TPBs. Would they be willing to ship remaindered product to Ottawa?
I had a similar experience at Atomic Comics. John tried to give me a copy of the Lost Teen Titans Annual for free. He backed off just from the look on my face.
Well, at least you got a free coaster.
You poor bastard. Perhaps if you sit it down and tell it exactly what you think of it, it’ll burst into flame?
Also, newuniversal (lowercase is how it’s supposed to be) is, I find, to be excruciatingly good. … And then it just ends. Fuckin Ellis and his inability to stay focused on a project at hand and so he starts up about 17 new books a month.
I thought it was Marvel that decided to put it on hold?
I thought it was Marvel that decided to put it on hold?
yeah that’s totally it.
it was also an editorial decision to start releasing “thunderbolts” once every three months.
and for the first six issues of “iron man” to come out over about two years.
it’s all joe quesada’s fault, people!
Oh sweet, you’re a Beguiling regular. Yeah. Just dropped in here to mention that as soon as I get back to Toronto, I’m buying you a drink to thank you for “Rampant Plagiarism”.
The real irony of this is that I bought The Order trade, based very much on MGK’s support of the book, and thought it was terrible. Pretty much not everything MGK proclaimed it to be. So, in a way, it is my Storm.
[...] see me at my most articulate and lovely as a comic store employee, Christopher Bird has transcribed the most accurate and… dare I say it… realistic account of a conversation I’ve eve…, over at his blog. [...]