It Is 1996, And In The Hills Above Tuzla…

(SCENE. Two SNIPERS, BORISAV and CEDOMIL, crouch in the hills overlooking the airport at Tuzla. BORISAV watches the airport through the sights of his enormous sniper rifle.)

BORISAV: All right. Are we ready to begin our day of sniping?
CEDOMIL: That is certainly why I am here. I came to snipe.
BORISAV: All right. Let’s see… huh.
CEDOMIL: What? What is it?
BORISAV: There is a plane.
CEDOMIL: Well, yes, I heard the plane overhead. I am not an idiot, Bori.
BORISAV: I know, but this is an American plane.
CEDOMIL: Seriously? Hot damn! If we snipe Americans, then our little regional conflict will really make the big time! Perhaps we can even incite a new world war!
BORISAV: Oh, come now, Cedomil. Americans they may be, but would they send anybody particularly important to our little corner of the world? This is Bosnia, after all. We don’t even have any oil.
CEDOMIL: Good point. Look, just kill a soldier and we’ll -
BORISAV!: Cedi, shut up! You won’t believe this!
CEDOMIL: What?
BORISAV: It is Sinbad!
CEDOMIL: The comedian?
BORISAV: The very same!
CEDOMIL: If we were to assassinate Sinbad, what glories would fall upon us?
BORISAV: Certainly every movie critic in the world will give us thanks, promoting our cause. Did you see First Kid?
CEDOMIL: No, I missed that one. It was bad?
BORISAV: Oh my yes. I’m going for it. I am going to snipe Sinbad.
CEDOMIL: We are going to score with so many chicks because of this.
BORISAV: Excuse me, “we”? I am the one pulling the trigger.
CEDOMIL: But I am your spotter. I am the one who checks the wind speed so you can make your shot, and scopes the field for potential targets.
BORISAV: And yet you are not using your binoculars right now.
CEDOMIL: You said you did not mind if I made my Cup O’ Noodles.
BORISAV: That was then and this is now. Put down the Cup O’Noodles and check the damn wind.
(CEDOMIL reluctantly puts down his Cup O’Noodles and picks up his binoculars.)
BORISAV: Thank you.
CEDOMIL: You do not have to be rude.
BORISAV: Fair enough. I apologize. We will both get many chicks for having murdered Sinbad.
CEDOMIL: We will. All right. Wind speed three knots, correct.
BORISAV: Correcting.
CEDOMIL: Annd… wait, someone’s in the way.
BORISAV: I could shoot them first.
CEDOMIL: And give Sinbad the chance to get to cover? Pah. We will – oh my god!
BORISAV: What?
CEDOMIL: You don’t recognize her?
BORISAV: Recognize who?
CEDOMIL: That is the American musician Sheryl Crow!
BORISAV: I don’t know that one.
CEDOMIL: She does that song you like, the one where all she wants is to have some fun?
BORISAV: Oh, yes! I like that song.
CEDOMIL: Well, that is the woman who sings it.
BORISAV: Really?
CEDOMIL: Yes!
BORISAV: …could we not kill her?
CEDOMIL: I don’t know. I mean, you have to admit, she is an important target.
BORISAV: Perhaps we could say that we shot at her, recognizing her as an important target. And that we missed.
CEDOMIL: Due to a quirk of fate. A stray leaf drifting upon the wind, perhaps.
BORISAV: Yes. A quirky leaf. That seems feasible.
CEDOMIL: I will not say anything if you do not.
BORISAV: Agreed. Now, where is Sinbad?
CEDOMIL: Give me a second and I will find – OH MY GOD!
BORISAV: What? What?
CEDOMIL: IT IS HILLARY CLINTON, BORISAV!
BORISAV: Wait, the First Lady Hillary Clinton?
CEDOMIL: YES! YES! THIS IS IT! THIS IS OUR MOMENT, BORISAV!
BORISAV: Are we sure we want to assassinate her? Her husband will not be happy.
CEDOMIL: Look, we blame it on Muslims! The Americans will believe that! They can barely tell us apart at the best of times anyway!
BORISAV: That’s a brilliant idea. Although, I note that it means we can’t use this story to score with chicks.
CEDOMIL: We’ll come up with some variant where we attempt to kill the Muslim snipers. Come on, Bori!
BORISAV: All right, I am convinced.
CEDOMIL: Down four, windspeed three and a half knots, correct…
BORISAV: Correcting.
CEDOMIL: Take the shot!
(Pause.)
BORISAV: …
CEDOMIL: She doesn’t appear to be dead yet.
BORISAV: Well, she bent over to accept that poem from the little girl and I wasn’t expecting that, so…
CEDOMIL: So? Shoot her again!
(Pause.)
BORISAV: …dammit!
CEDOMIL: WHAT?
BORISAV: I missed again.
CEDOMIL: You’re the best sniper in Bosnia!
BORISAV: Everybody has bad days!
CEDOMIL: Oh, and look. Now she has people in front of her. Lousy shot.
BORISAV: I can still shoot Chelsea. She’s wide open.
CEDOMIL: Do we really want to do that?
BORISAV: Worth a try.
CEDOMIL: I suppose, but I’m not wild about it.
BORISAV: Just remember, we blame the Muslims.
CEDOMIL: Right.
(Pause.)
BORISAV: …all right, did you balance the sights on this properly?
CEDOMIL: I always balance the sights properly.
BORISAV: I’ve missed three times! Oh, and look, now the Clintons are getting in that armored car. No chance of sniping them now.
CEDOMIL: Damn. Well, you know what, killing them might have been counterproducting anyway. Let’s just settle for killing Sinbad. We can still kill Sinbad, can’t we?
BORISAV: Of course.
CEDOMIL: Good.
(Pause.)
BORISAV: All right, I never miss four times. What is wrong with this gun?
CEDOMIL: Well, we can forget about scoring chicks now. “Us? Yes, we’re the snipers who couldn’t kill Sinbad.”
BORISAV: What the – the gun isn’t loaded?
CEDOMIL: Do you mean to tell me you’ve been dry-firing all this time?
BORISAV: Well, it’s silenced and cushioned, so I wouldn’t feel much difference between a dry-fire and a real shot.
CEDOMIL: All right. We can deal with this. Sinbad is still there. Where are our damned bullets?
(Pause.)
BORISAV: You appear to be sitting on them.
CEDOMIL: Oh, for the love of -
(Pause.)
BORISAV: Are they -?
CEDOMIL: Yes. These rounds are ruined. And look, there goes Sinbad.
BORISAV: …perhaps we say that we had Sinbad in our sights, until another sniper’s careless shot scared the cowardly Americans off of the tarmac? Will that get us chicks?
CEDOMIL: I doubt it.
BORISAV: Oh.
CEDOMIL: On the other hand, we will look less like idiots, so I would suggest we use that story.
(Pause.)
BORISAV: Do you think they’ll believe it?
CEDOMIL: Why not? It’s not as if anybody is videotaping this.