Aug

With The Roommates, On The Porch, Last Night

Posted by MGK Published in Bad Comedy, Conversations

KIRK: Why are people still out with their families so late?
STEVE: It’s the CNE [Canadian National Exhibition, for those not in the know] – they’re just getting back.
KIRK: That started?
ME: Yeah, last week.
BEN: Man, I should go to that.
ME: Ah, the only reason to go is for those little donuts.
STEVE: The ones they make in front of you?
BEN: Tiny Toms! They have them at Wonderland!
ME: And they come in the bag.
BEN: And then they put in the cinnamon and sugar, and they shake it, and hand it to you. Fresh little donuts.
KIRK: Ah, those aren’t that hard to make yourself. All you need is cinnamon and sugar.
ME: …and donuts.

KIRK throws his nearly empty coffee cup at me. And misses.

ME: Well, I’m not wrong about that. You do need the donuts.
BEN: Fuck, you got hot chocolate on my pants.
KIRK: So?
BEN: It’ll stain.
KIRK: But they’re brown pants.
BEN: They’re khaki, it’ll show up.
STEVE: So take them to the laundry room. If you wash them immediately it’ll come right out.
BEN: …nah, I don’t care that much.
ME: But the spots will show up.
BEN: They’re my work pants.
KIRK: I don’t even see any spots.
STEVE: That’s because it’s dark.
KIRK: I think he’s lying about the spots.
BEN: See, I stand behind a counter most of the day anyway, so people won’t be able to see the stains. I’ll just stand there and be thinking “ha ha, I have stained pants and you don’t know.” It’ll make the day pass.
KIRK: You know, when we move, I’ll miss Crawford Street.
ALL: (sounds of commiseration)
KIRK: When my buddy Mike Crawford came over, he so wanted to steal our street sign, but I told him no.
STEVE: That was good of you.
KIRK: I didn’t want people getting lost when we were having a party.
BEN: The roads around here are twisty. Good call.
KIRK: Hey, is it true that if you steal a street sign with your last name, it’s not a crime?

A pause.

STEVE: I believe that’s an urban legend.
ME: I think you meant to say “I believe that’s retarded.”
KIRK: So it’s not true?
ME: No, Kirk. It is not true.
KIRK: Imagine if it was true, and your last name was “Street.”
BEN: “I’m Johnny Street, and these are my road signs. Yes, all twelve thousand of them. It’s legal, you know.”
STEVE: “I’m gonna build a house out of them.”
ME: Imagine the precedent that would set. If your last name was Del Monte you could steal all the juice you could ever want and nobody could touch you.
BEN: It would be awesome for you, though.
ME: …why? There’s not a lot of stuff called “Bird.”
BEN: You could steal birds.
ME: Why would I want birds?
STEVE: There’s good money in birds.