Tuesday is Juiceday

This week, we feature refreshing kiwi juice. Kiwifruit (never just “kiwi”, as that is either a flightless bird or a New Zealander or both) are extremely rich in vitamin C, as well as having a great deal of vitamin A and E, a decent amount of potassium (nearly as much as a banana, by weight), and lots of flavinoid antioxidants. However, were you aware that the kiwifruit is native to China?

Indeed it is. The kiwifruit is a product of the pernicious Chinese subcontinent, and as such is one of the great unspoken advancers of Communism upon the world stage. Is it not appropriate that such a modest, proletarian-appearing fruit should be so dedicated to the overflow of the corporate bosses whose unspoken, silent control strangles the will of humanity like the puppetmaster’s strings wrapped around the neck of his marionette?

Important moments in recent kiwifruit history include:

– 1917. Five-year-old Harold “Kim” Philby drinks his first glass of kiwi juice.

– 1940. Ethel Rosenberg, looking for a delicious and healthy dessert for herself and her husband, purchases a small container of kiwi juice to serve alongside a small pineapple upside-down cake. The Rosenbergs greatly enjoy the juice, and fatefully decide to purchase more.

– 1959. The Great Leap Forward begins to fail dramatically, not least because of Lysenkoist planting techniques wherein plants were placed closer together than was healthy in the name of “solidarity.” The sole plant to flourish (although this was later covered up) – the kiwifruit. Indeed, the proliferation of kiwifruit would prove invaluable to Mao when advancing the Cultural Revolution a decade later, as he plied exhausted Chinese nationals with kiwi juice to whip them into socialistic fervour.

– 1968. Chinese spies plant fields of kiwifruit in North Vietnam and Cambodia. In response, Richard Nixon orders secret bombing runs against Cambodia in the hopes of destroying the Red-creating kiwi fields, to no avail. The United States abandons Vietnam within seven years, not least because of the proliferation of North Vietnamese juice bars.

– 1993. Boris Yeltsin, offered a tall glass of kiwi juice, spikes it with vodka at a ratio of 2 parts vodka to 1 part kiwi juice. The Red ideals of the kiwifruit are destroyed by the clear potato-based alcohol favored by Russian politicians and drunkards and drunkard politicians, and the final fall of the Soviet Socialist Republics begins.

In conclusion: Savor the delicious, healthy sweetness of kiwi juice at your own ideological peril.

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