Newsflash

TORONTO (CP) – Local authorities were stunned today as an individual purporting to be a grown man voluntarily ate a bowl of Heinz Scooby-Doo tomato pasta meal this afternoon.

The overgrown child, despite being 32 and clearly able to identify Heinz Scooby-Doo tomato pasta meal as something marketed to children not yet willing to eat proper, grown-up pasta, nonetheless indulged himself in the juvenile treat. “Look,” said the man-boy, “it was on special at the supermarket for forty-five cents per can. At that price, it makes sense to buy one or two cans for when I’m too tired at the end of the day to cook.”

Experts were not impressed. “A box of pasta is ninety-nine cents, a jar of sauce you can get on special for two dollars. That’s three dollars for the basic components of grown-up pasta, which will provide at least six meals. My god, didn’t I raise him right? What did I do wrong?” said the unweaned fool’s mother.

She continued, “please tell me he at least didn’t slice up hot dogs into it.”

The individual clearly living out a fantasy of starring in Big was unrepentant as he worked his spoon around the bottom of the bowl, attempting to cajole the last few shreds of pasta purporting to be Velma to his mouth, despite all possible visual cues to the contrary regarding the pasta’s dissimilarity to the famous cartoon character. “Look, why are you people in my house again? Isn’t there a civil war in Africa somewhere that’s more interesting than my lunch?”

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