SCENE: A STUDIO BIGWIG and his three JUNIOR EXECUTIVES sit at a table.
BIGWIG: All right. As you know, today is Number Two’s birthday. Do not giggle, Number One.
FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: …but… so funny…
THIRD JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Deep breaths. Come on.
BIGWIG: Yes. As it is his birthday, and I have an opening in my slate – don’t giggle, Number One –
FIRST: Aw.
BIGWIG: Ahem. As it is his birthday, we are going to allow him to pitch an idea wholly and entirely on his own, and after we work it through, we will make it. Are you ready, Two?
SECOND JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: I am pumped and primed and ready to go, sir.
BIGWIG: Good. Hit me.
SECOND: So there’s this whore –
THIRD: Oh, come on!
BIGWIG: Now, now, Three. We don’t interrupt. Remember your last birthday, we didn’t interrupt you, and what did you end up getting me to greenlight?
THIRD: Lars and the Real Girl.
BIGWIG: Do you remember how hard it was to keep Two from interrupting? So now you will be quiet. It is his turn.
SECOND: Thank you, sir.
BIGWIG: Not at all. Continue.
SECOND: So there’s this whore, and she’s turns twenty-seven, so she’s too worn out to be a quality prostitute like guys like.
BIGWIG: …is this a character detail, or…?
SECOND: Oh, no, no. This motivates the plot.
BIGWIG: Ah. And this is a drama, I take it?
SECOND: I was thinking wacky comedy.
THIRD: Oh –
BIGWIG: Ut! Not yet. Continue telling us about your wacky comedy.
SECOND: So our hooker needs a new job, so she becomes a den mother for a group of outcast girls at some good college somewhere.
BIGWIG: All right, that sounds –
SECOND: And she helps them become cool by teaching them how to act like whores.
The BIGWIG glances at THIRD.
BIGWIG: Oh, all right.
THIRD: Are you insane? That’s the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life!
FIRST: What about that time we had Joe Francis in here to talk about a fictionalized movie version of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? You were really offended then –
THIRD: Okay, second most offended.
FIRST: And then there was the time –
THIRD: Yes, yes, okay, look, this at least makes top ten.
SECOND: I haven’t even gotten to the subplot with the priggish evil den mother yet! Come on! I didn’t say anything when you told us about the movie with the sex dolls, and you know the movie would have been better with a six-doll orgy!
BIGWIG: This is a good point. The birthday pitch has to be given fair consideration. However, may I suggest a few changes?
SECOND: Of course.
BIGWIG: Instead of a prostitute, let us make her a Playboy Bunny.
FIRST: With floppy ears!
THIRD: Kind of.
FIRST: And we’ll give her some lettuce!
THIRD: Not that type of bunny.
BIGWIG: If she is a Playboy Bunny, we can get a pretty actress nearing thirty to play the lead and the fact that she is still pretty will underscore the comic aspects of her not being allowed to be a Playboy Bunny any longer.
FIRST: Maybe we can even get an actress over thirty!
BIGWIG: Don’t be stupid. We will also get a bunch of hot young actresses to play the outcast girls so that the heroine can make them into hot sexy Playboy Bunnies as well. It’ll be just like it was in She’s All That. They will wear glasses, then they will take off the glasses and become hot and sexy.
THIRD: And the rest of the plot?
BIGWIG: We keep it as is. We’ll introduce a love interest for the heroine so she can be reformed into polite society, of course.
SECOND: I thought she should remain a whore in my original notes, but I guess I can bend with it.
THIRD: Aren’t you concerned about the message this sends? That women can only be happy and popular if they’re pretty?
BIGWIG: Because I was so deeply concerned about the social message sent by four consecutive Steven Seagal action movies in my prime? Come on now.
THIRD: Sir, i seriously think a movie like this will backfire on us. There’ll be a social outcry.
BIGWIG: Repeat after me: “we’re just using the basic plot elements of Revenge of the Nerds, except that this time, the nerds are girls.” Anybody complains, we keep repeating that until they shut up. Now let’s go get this made.
FIRST: I can’t wait for my birthday. I have this idea where Batman fights Popeye in outer space.
All are silent.
BIGWIG: Work on it some more, kid.
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22 users responded in this post
OMG, there is an actual House Bunny. My God!
You should make these into Youtube videos.
Batman vs. Space Popeye needs some Vampire Amazons and a horde of cyborg gorillas…
I am so down with Batman v. Popeye in outer space. We also need robot ninjas in addition to LurkerWithout’s suggestions.
Maybe… maybe at the end of the movie, they find out that the key to happiness is being yourself, and not conforming to the nigh-impossible standards set for women by society? And all of them, even the Anna Faris character, will find out their respective love interests like them as they really are, not how they’re pretending to be?
Yeah. Yeah, okay, that’s what I’m going to pretend happens. Maybe then I won’t have to run screaming into a busy intersection when this movie absolutely kills at the box office.
I just saw the trailer for HOUSE BUNNY on the Apple site last night, so the moment you mentioned a college I knew where this was heading, but bravo, dear sir! Spot on!
I guessed it at ‘too worn out’.
Sometimes Hollywood depresses me. Then I watch stuff like Van Helsing, and realise it’s all just a UN-backed eugenics programme aimed at driving all the emo kids to suicide.
I think this movie looks excellent. It’s the sort of movie that will help young women see what truly matters… boys and good looks.
“maybe at the end of the movie, they find out that the key to happiness is being yourself, and not conforming to the nigh-impossible standards set for women by society?”
For women, I agree, but this kind of message is kind of . . . . less than ideal. I can recall episodes of Fresh Prince or Family Matters where the show’s unhealthily overweight character tries to lose weight, but eventually quits at the end of the episode because of the message “be happy with who you are and don’t conform to society’s standards!”
I should’ve known from last time that this would turn out to be a real movie.
I always dread your “Explaining Hollywood” segments. They’re true, and the movies are hideous. Dear God, I thought junior exec. two was the smart one!
No, no, Three’s the sane one. Three is the only sane one. . .though if he stays there long enough, I doubt he will be able to maintain that sanity. . .
I think the scary part is that the Bigwig is sane and smart, in that he knows exactly what he’s peddling, but he just doesn’t care!
I actually find that part of the whole affair rather soothing.
I’m also disappointed that whores came up and Bird didn’t take a single crack at Frank Miller.
It’s alright to have the ending about being yourself because what we’ll learn over the course of the movie is that all women secretly yearn to be Playboy bunnies and any elements of your character that contradict this exist merely because you let yourself be *blinded*. If only their horrible friends and family didn’t keep *encouraging* them to live up to *personal standards* and *ideals*…
“I’m also disappointed that whores came up and Bird didn’t take a single crack at Frank Miller.”
While I’m sure his Goddamn Sense was tingling the entire time House Bunny was in production, Frank has more important Hollywood matters to worry about. The Spirit isn’t going to become a shallow copy of Sin City all on its own.
(Okay, seriously, I’m willing to give Miller the benefit of the doubt with The Spirit, I’m sure there will be at least some good to come of it. I just got introduced to The Spirit during Darwyn Cooke’s run, which is about as Anti-Miller as you can get and still be an Urban Noir setting.)
Hah! I’ve run out of outrage! Now I’m down to a numb feeling.
Damnit! I always forget until the very end that all of these are actually REAL.
And I was impressed by the lack of a Miller reference, if anything.
Mariko your right! I got confused with all the horror floating around after reading this post.
The thing that bothers me about movies of this type (and I’m including ones from both genders; as noted, this has similarities to Revenge of the Nerds) is that you look at the love interests of the leads and really there’s no qualities other than looks or perhaps coolness/popularity that make them at all non-generic. It’s a feeling that they’re all really dating down in terms of anything that really matters.
This is something I’m finding sort of interesting in this TV season’s Big Bang Theory, where a hot, not that bright, girl moves in across from two worldclass geeky physicists. One of them falls for her, but they’ve been playing that down a fair amount…and as it happens, the girl’s turned out to feel like the weak link in the show. I mean, the character’s a nice enough person, and she’ll sometimes help out the geeks with some social issues, but she’s written as so generic that she’s not that interesting in and of herself. And I think, consciously or not, the writers are realizing this as she now feels more at the level of supporting cast rather than co-lead and every other appearance by her feels forced. She really doesn’t have anything in common with the geeks, and while they’re not the types to spit at each other in the hallway, they really don’t have any reason to hang out with each other.
Ut!
Why, for the love of god, does that story you link seem excited by this shit? It actually says “How can you not chuckle at the manhole scene?” Well, how about because it’s not funny, and even if it were a little chuckle-worthy, the disgust generated by the preview up until that point drowns out any feelings of mirth that might present themselves for the next twenty minutes or so.
Once again, these are my favorite MGK productions. We need a book of just these.