Michael John Magee suggested it, and I feel magnanimous, so let’s do a reader-submitted round of Magic: The Election 08. It’s been way too long since I did a reader-submitted anything, and they’re fun.
Submit your ideas to me in email (it’s there on the sidebar, folks). If you have a specific image(s) for the card(s) in mind, I need that too.
Bear in mind the MGK Fake Magic Election Design Bible:
1.) The color wheel is as follows:
Blue: Democrats
Red: Republicans
White: Religion/Law Related Stuff
Black: Douchebaggism
Green: Environmentalism and, I dunno, other things that are green, there’s room there to add things I guess but stay in the general philosophical area
2.) The major traits of import are Democratic, Republican, Douchebag, Bullshit, and Media. (I am flexible, and if somebody comes up with a really good new trait that deserves to be widely referenced, I’ll mention it here.) No card should have more than two traits unless you have a really good reason.
3.) Cards that directly reference Barack Obama should be multicolor blue/white/green hybrid mana. Everything else is fair game for hybrid mana, gold multicolor cards, et cetera.
4.) Stick to existing keyword mechanics. Don’t create new ones.
5.) Stick to events of the 2008 Presidential campaign. Anything before the Iowa primaries: no. Random Dick Cheney or Larry Craig jokes: no (unless they’re really, really good, and let’s be honest, that well is pretty dry). Et cetera. Doing new versions of cards I’ve already done is fine (a lot of people complained that Barack Obama was underpowered).
5. and most important) Remember that the element of masterful parody is refusing to overplay it. I’m not going to waste my time on things like “Say POW POW POW: John McCain gets +5/+5 until end of turn.” That is the parody magic card equivalent of making Disaster Movie or Meet the Spartans. You do not want to be that person. Remember that your entries should, generally speaking, look like actual Magic cards; they will be funnier that way.
6.) In answer to Zenrage: keep it fairly clean.
I’ll put up the ones I like best on Monday.
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how graphic can/should any images be? Would images of aborted fetuses or phalluses be pushing things too far?
Obama isn’t underpowered, he’s a frigging powerhouse! If you counter a spell you basically get the mana back, and unless your opponent can do 10 damage to you with every 5 spells he casts (and he really, really can’t), you’re going to gain life quicker than he can take it away. I dunno, the most I’d have done with him was given him an activated ability to plow that two mana into so that he doesn’t cause you mana burn by accident.
He can’t cause you mana burn by accident. You have the OPTION of gaining two blue mana.
Woohoo, MGK is doing what I want him to! How shall I abuse this power? I know, I’ll turn the site green.
Shit, it didn’t work.
Anyways: I like making my own, MGK, so what template do you use? I’ll just put URLs to them in the Email.
I don’t know enough about magic to really flesh out a card, but I have a few concepts:
Nuclear Power: High mana cost, gives mana a few turns after you play it (like drill for oil) and has an ability that blocks (or somehow mitigates) renewable energy.
Manliness: Enchantment with republican and bullshit traits, boosts red legendary creatures.
Bitch Slap Theory: media and bullshit traits, if you deal damage to the other player and they fail to damage you next turn, BST weakens all blue creatures. Alternately: Can only be played if you deal damage to other player etc., and gives all red creatures trample.
Drat.. and I was hoping to create an artifact out of Ronald Reagan’s dead penis.. which Right-wingers still line up to suck on.
White and black overlap heavily.
–He can’t cause you mana burn by accident. You have the OPTION of gaining two blue mana.–
Yeah, but you’ve got no way of knowing if your opponent is going to play another spell or not unless he’s tapped out or has an empty hand, so taking that blue mana or not becomes a game of chicken between you and the other guy, where you risk self-harm in order to prevent him from doing something that would hurt you worse. That’s not Obama’s style.
And we are now arguing the metagame of a fictional magic: the gathering expansion based on the elections. I’d feel shame if I was a better person.
Hey, that mana doesn’t have to go towards playing another counter. It could, for instance, go to playing cards with Flash or cards with activated abilities. For instance, if you had Hillary Clinton flipped to “Obama Supporter”, you could counter a spell and use the spare mana to draw cards. Or you could use the mana to cast a Rachael Maddow or a pair of Kossacks. Assuming you play outside Type 2, you could throw in some millstones or something and put Obama’s mana income to work. I can think of plenty of good uses for Obama’s two mana.
It’s funny, cause I was literally saying on Monday that the claim that Palin was a “gamechanger” because her crazy ass story knocked Obama, Hurrricaine Gustav, and John McCain out of the news, meant that Palin was basically playing “Wrath of God”.
I also noted you only play Wrath of God when you are losing!
Sarah Palin, Legendary Red Creature
Primary ability: Induce Panic
Opponent must discard entire hand, and restock it entirely with Bullshit cards from their deck. Until Sarah Palin is removed from the field, opponent must play nothing but Bullshit cards, and must play as many as possible in each round.