A: Look, I’m telling you, they’re not bears. This should be the end of the conversation.
B: The Care Bear Cousins count as bears.
A: No, they don’t! Brave Heart Lion isn’t a bear! He’s a lion! You know why? Because he’s a fucking lion, that’s why! Brave Heart is a lion and Bright Heart is a raccoon and Fat Heart is an elephant. Now what do all of these things have in common? Oh, right, they’re not bears!
B: Look, they do the Care Bear Stare. They are honorary Care Bears. Maybe not by species, but –
A: Ah ha, but they don’t do the Care Bear Stare. They do a “call.” Only bears can Stare.
B: Cats stare.
A: We’re talking about cartoons, man. Don’t bring real life into it. Besides, I meant “Stare” with a capital S.
B: Need I remind you of the second Care Bears movie? The one where the fat motherly Care Bear and the unicorn – Super Heart or whatever – quite clearly took care of the baby Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins? It is obvious that the Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins are all sprung from the unholy union of bear and unicorn.
A: So you’re suggesting that the Care Bear Cousins are the result of interspecies breeding?
B: That’s why they’re all plushy.
A: That’s horrible.
B: Well, when you get right down to it, the idea of magical bears embodying emotions isn’t great either. Where are the evil Care Bears?
A: There’s Grumpy Bear.
B: Grumpy Bear is good-natured down deep. I mean an actual evil Care Bear. Nastiness Bear, Anger Bear, Hatred Bear, Racism Bear. That sort of thing.
A: Bad Heart Mongoose? Greedy Heart Ostrich? Brutal Heart Hippopatamus?
B: Wow, evil Care Bear Cousin names sound like the titles of David Lynch films.
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Don’t forget Ennui Elephant, the pachyderm who doesn’t care about you, himself, or anyone. Or Righteous Outrage Ocelot, who’ll punch you in the face and say you had it coming, then scream at you for an hour until the game comes on teevee.
Apropos of nothing, you *really* need a favicon.ico file for your site.
You really need to check out Hitherby Dragons, a “text-only webcomic” that once featured a story involving Transgression Bear, and the need to save the world from Nihilism Bear and his Nihilism Bear Stare. Good stuff, good stuff.
I met Rape Heart Donkey once. I was ok.
I am sad to know this but- In the Teenage Mutant Ninja Roleplaying game, there is a sample adventure where you fight evil bears with emotion controlling powers. They looked like Care Bears except they had things like skulls and mushroom clouds as their symbols.
That is the best conversation ever.
…
So where do Grams Bear and Baby Hugs and Tugs fit into the grand theory of Care Bear lineage? Who are Baby Hugs and Tugs parents? And where was Grams Bear in Care Bears 2?
Damn you Chris Bird, for making me think of Care Bear breeding!
With a daughter who is thankfully now seven I have finally escaped the Care Bear years. Shame on you for dragging me back into them. ;^D
That said (and I looked to post this on your American Carol entry twice before I gave up in a fit of lameness), did you see today that American Carol star Dennis Hopper has announced he’ll be voting Obama? I thought of you when I read it, because you introduced me to the concept of American Carol. *shudder*
I forsee a new craze on deviantArt.
Don’t forget the Bad Idea Bears (from Avenue Q).
There’s actually a webcomic out there about awful versions of the Care Bears–there’s an “Evil Bear” as well as a Prozac Bear, Lech Bear, Gay Bear, etc.
Where do Bad Decision Dinosaur and Sexual Harassment Panda fit into this schema? That’s what I want to know.
I think Matt Bors featured some of those, er, errant Care Bears in this political cartoon about the Obama campaign.
http://www.mattbors.com/archives/411.html
I still have that Ninja Turtles book somewhere. There were Doom Bear, Fear Bear, Pain Bear, and Nightmare Bear…