ME: What now?
FLAPJACKS: Did you see this? Some crazy guy put together a replica of a vintage first class airplane cabin in his garage.
ME: Because he’s crazy?
FLAPJACKS: You just spent actual money on old board games from the 1960s like, last week.
ME: You can play those.
FLAPJACKS: And he can play with his fake plane. I bet he roleplays out scenes from Mad Men. Like, he pretends he’s the steward who gets Don Draper an Old Fashioned while Don Draper picks up the woman in the seat next to him, and then he waves goodbye as they leave the plane to go have sex in a hotel.
ME: He doesn’t want to be Don Draper?
FLAPJACKS: I think you overestimate the ambition of this guy. He didn’t recreate a mini Playboy Mansion. He recreated an airplane cabin.
ME: What would you have recreated?
FLAPJACKS: You know that bit in the James Bond movie where the villain tries to shoot a laser at James Bond’s crotch? That.
ME: Would you play pretend that you are James Bond or Goldfinger?
FLAPJACKS: It wasn’t Goldfinger. It was Jaws.
ME: It wasn’t Jaws. Jaws fought Roger Moore. Sean Connery was the Bond who nearly got crotch-lasered.
FLAPJACKS: Look, I know it was Jaws. I distinctly remembering him speaking in his English accent that he expected Mr. Bond to die.
ME: Jaws wasn’t English! He was a guy with a mouth full of metal! He wouldn’t have spoken in crisp English tones. He would have mumbled something vaguely metallic.
FLAPJACKS: I bet if you check Wikipedia, you will see that I have already loaded up the page on your computer and it will say that it was Jaws.
(pause)
ME: This is a Post-It, with “Jaws” written on it in your handwriting, stuck on my computer monitor and covering up the picture of Goldfinger menacing James Bond.
FLAPJACKS: I couldn’t figure out how to edit Wikipedia properly.
ME: So will you concede that Jaws did not menace James Bond with the laser?
FLAPJACKS: No.
ME: I actually own Goldfinger on DVD.
FLAPJACKS: You could have counterfeited that.
ME: With the young Sean Connery ten years before I was born.
FLAPJACKS: Or a very good imitator!
ME: …anyway, so that’s what you want to be? The guy torturing James Bond, be it Jaws – who it wasn’t – or someone else?
FLAPJACKS: Heck no.
ME: So you want to be James Bond. That’s pretty common.
FLAPJACKS: That’s far too common for the likes of me.
ME: …who have you inserted into this scenario who was not there previously? And before you start, don’t say “myself as a secret agent.”
FLAPJACKS: Of course not. That would be lame.
ME: So who is it?
FLAPJACKS: Funny you should say that.
ME: What do you – oh god, you want to set up this scenario so you can play Doctor Who rescuing James Bond.
FLAPJACKS: Yes! And then they go off on adventures together.
ME: That’s awful.
FLAPJACKS: I take it that you don’t want to play James Bond in this.
ME: Excuse me. If I was going to take part in this horrible exercise – which of course I never would – you had better damn believe that I would be Doctor Who. He has a time-traveling police box. All James Bond has is a watch with spy doohickeys, all of which can be disabled by Doctor Who’s sonic screwdriver.
FLAPJACKS: But I found this tuxedo in your size and everything.
ME: No.
FLAPJACKS: What if I told you that this offer also comes with a 1961 Aston Martin?
ME: Does it?
FLAPJACKS: Not really?
ME: Still a no, then.
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I got HALFWAY through a post saying ‘his name isn’t ‘Doctor Who’, it’s ‘the Doctor’ before I punched myself in the nose.
Better.
The Doctor bringing Bond with him would be some sort of ultimate English hero franchise team up, wouldn’t it? Which begs the question- can you and Flapjacks do dry British accents?
BlackMage – Tell that to WOTAN
The Tom Baker Doctor even got strapped onto a table and had a Goldfinger-style laser pointed at his crotch once.
So, there are more possible variations to this scenario.
BlackMage: Now be fair… Flapjacks might want to be the Peter Cushing Dr Who… Who actually WAS names Doctor Who.
Isn’t it obvious to everyone that James Bond is a Time Lord? We just don’t see the adventures where he regenerates. They skip over those to avoid copyright infringement lawsuits.
The new M clearly hasn’t been briefed on the situation, because unlike the old M, she treats the “new” Bond as an entirely different person with the same name, instead of realizing that the Pierce Brosnan Bond died and regenerated into the Daniel Craig Bond.
I’m fairly sure that a teamup between James Bond and The Doctor would leave me weeping patriotism.
If the whole thing is narrated by the late, great, Oliver Postgate, I will quite literally have died happy. And quite possibly saluting.
So Flapjacks wants to roleplay out a new version of the LoEG: Black Dossier where Bond ISN’T a sociopathic scum-bag?
What 1960’s boardgame did you buy?
It was a trio of Sid Sackson games: Executive Decision, Venture and Sleuth (the latter two in the super-awesome 3M Gamette boxes).
I still need a copy of the Gamette edition of Monad, though.
Nobody is role playing Cushing’s Doctor Who. Nobody.
Even nerds have standards. And I say that fully aware some of them make foam swords and hit each other in dank woods shouting “fireball lvl 4.”
My life is meaningless until I see Doctor Who and James Bond defeat LARPers led by a cybernetic vampire ninja Nixon.
Only robovampninja Nixon could take Larpers to China.
If the Doctor did take Bond with him for some adventures, he would just leave him stranded somewhere within a couple of weeks. He never keeps guys around for very long. Only pretty girls get to stick with the Doctor for more than a couple of adventures, and it helps if they’re young. (Although, who isn’t young compared to the Doctor?)
He used to have a little scottish dude. And that evil ginger was with him for ages. Only the modern Doctors companion is used for weird romantic subplots. (Though, the reboot is great, dont get me wrong.)
(Apart from Catherine Tate)
(and that empire state building episode, what the fuck was that, “we’re from NOII YAWKKK”)
In his defense, when Jaws spoke in Moonraker, his enunciation was quite wood. Maybe not an English accent, but quite passable American midwestern, at least.
In his defense, when Jaws spoke in Moonraker, his enunciation was quite good. Maybe not an English accent, but quite passable American midwestern, at least.
Dumas: I am mentally reviewing every Tom Baker Doctor Who episode in my head and not one of them has that scenario in it. The closest the fourth Doctor ever came to that was in ‘The Power of Kroll’ when he was tied to a rack with wet vines and the sun was shining through a window in the roof to dry the vines thus pulling the rack and breaking the Doctor’s, Romana’s and Rohm-Dutt’s backs.
MrGale:”He used to have a little scottish dude.”
James “Jamie” McCrimmon
“And that evil ginger was with him for ages.”
Turlough
And that’s not counting Steven Taylor, Ian Chesterton, Ben, Harry Sullivan, or Adric. The new series treats the male companions like shit. I have no idea why. Part of me thinks that it may be the way Davies treats his own lovers, but I don’t know enough about the man is say that definitively.
Well that’s me nerding out for the day.
That would be the two I was thinking of, yes.
I think its pretty apparent he wants some sort of romantic subplot between assistant and Doctor. Rose the unspoken love, Martha with her unrequited love. Then he distanced it with Donna. But she was still there to make fun of the traditional love dynamic he’d set up.
The reboot takes a lot of its nods from other modern cultish shows, buffy in its structuring a lot (which RTD often doesnt get, he doesnt seem to graps the difference between some plot points that become important and just layering references to tiny past events like they are important in finales.)A big component of every show since X-files is a male and female lead with some sort of chemistry and he obviousy threw it in.
Still, whatever, roll on the Moffatt era. The man has written all the great episodes of the reboot so far, it should be a break from the ruts and mistakes RTD made. Maybe we will get episodes when somebody doesnt randomly mention they are gay (“where are you going on your trip?” “IM GAY YOU KNOW, EVERYONE IS GAY IN THE FUTURE, PEOPLE ARE FINE WITH IT”) apropos of nothing. Be sort of refreshing.