This is gonna be the best World Cup ever!

So I am looking at the World Cup draws and MGK was complaining about how “fucking Italy gets a walk to the semis,” and he doesn’t like Italy because he thinks they play the game like dicks somehow. I’m not up on soccer beyond the basics, but I assume they try to bribe referees or grab the microphone before the soccer match and they run down the local fans, like “hey we slept with all your sisters last night and they weren’t even that good, not like the girls in Italy,” or something like that. Because that’s what I’d do if I were a pro wrestler, and I figure it translates to other sports.

But that’s not the point. The point is that North Korea is somehow in the World Cup this year, which is fantastic, because the entire country is apparently, like, insane or something. And insane countries will do anything to win a soccer match. It might not make sense to anybody else, but you got to understand that North Korea, being a crazy country, will think their plans are all sensible and rational no matter what they might be otherwise. Because they are crazy.

Like, maybe they capture a bunch of whales. And then, they put the whales on their team as goalkeepers. They get two defensemen to swab down the whale with water and feed the whales buckets of mackerel, and the other teams are all “how do we get the balls past these whales? The whales are bigger than the net!” And the other teams can’t score against North Korea (well, except for Brazil, because Brazil will always find a way to score a goal somehow – if Brazil wasn’t allowed to travel to South Africa for the World Cup for some reason, they would invent intercontinental ballistic corner-kicking technology) and North Korea gets into the semifinals based on tie scores. Then Portugal threatens to sue FIFA, and they go to court, and Portugal’s lawyer at a key moment clutches his knee and falls down to the courtroom floor and starts rolling around in agony. The North Koreans say “this is blatant anti-whale discrimination and those whales are North Korean citizens,” but when the judge asks the whales to sing the North Korean national anthem, the whales just go “eewwwwoOAAAAAAAuuuuuuuuh.” And then North Korea quickly says “well, that’s our anthem,” and to prove it they have a thousand North Koreans assemble and sing just like the whales, in unison, because the North Koreas believe in being prepared for all eventualities and are willing to use whips to get what they want. And they go all the way to the final, where they lose to Brazil.

Or maybe the North Koreans decide that the key is misdirection! So they disguise themselves as South Korea, and go play South Korea’s matches! Their opponents, not expecting the radical North Korean strategies and being prepared for South Korea’s disciplined orderly style of soccer (I don’t actually know what South Korea’s style of soccer play is, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that it is disciplined and orderly, because the South Koreans are the Germans of Asia and everybody knows it) lose terribly. Meanwhile a team of elite North Korean secret agents work to confuse the South Korean team into playing North Korea’s opponents for them, and South Korea loses to Brazil for them. At the semifinal ceremony (there is a ceremony, right?), the North Korean team takes off their South Korean jerseys and say “a HA, we were the North Koreans all along! Now we will advance to the semifinals!” And then they lose to Brazil.

Or maybe the North Koreans get their asses kicked in their own division, and then in the first semifinal round the Ivory Coast team is playing Spain, but then the speakers start blaring Ted DiBiase’s old WWF theme song “Money, Money, Money.” And the North Koreans come out with briefcases and the briefcases are filled with Euros and they say, “look, Ivory Coast, we understand that your average per-capita income in your country is like sixteen hundred dollars, because we read it on Wikipedia. Would you rather lose right now, to Spain, or would you like to let us play Spain instead and you can take home all this wonderful money?” And then the Ivory Coast team looks all ashamed and the crowd cheers them because they don’t want the Ivory Coast players to sell out but ultimately the Ivory Coast players have to take the money because their country is poor. And then North Korea whispers in their ear that now they are their slaves because they took the money and that means it is a binding contract, so the Ivory Coast team goes to the trucks the North Koreans brought and releases the bulls, which stampede onto the field because they are the mortal enemies of all Spaniards. North Korea wins by default, and progresses to the next round, where they lose to Brazil.

So many ways this could go!

• Share on Facebook.
• Share on Twitter.