– Blossom ran for five seasons, from 1991 to 1995. It was originally planned to run seven seasons, but after Perfect Strangers ran for eight seasons, the Gods of Television decided that there should not be a second “average at best, let’s be honest” sitcom that would run longer than I Love Lucy, Leave It […]

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So I was going to do a list of “every comic book ever ranked in order of quality” because I figured nerds would totally get into that and there would be fistfights over whether Tomb of Dracula #7 should be ranked one higher than New Teen Titans (vol. 2) #21 and nerds fighting each other […]

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SEVEN: the coleslaw. Fast food creamy coleslaw is always, always the worst thing, you guys. Like, creamy coleslaw is already pretty bad – if you need an excuse to eat sour cream, maybe you can just tell people your doctor said you need to eat it or you’ll die, you’d have more dignity that way […]

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So naturally i was first in line at my local cinema to see G.I. Joe: Retaliation because I love GI Joe and I love movie sequels with colons in the title. Well, I say “first in line,” but more accurately there was in fact no line. I am not sure why people will line up […]

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Guys, I have totally had it up to here with the whole “fake nerds” thing at this point, which just refuses to die and just keeps getting stupider and stupider as otherwise generally rational people insist on clutching whatever ostracization they have suffered previously like it is some sort of precious jewel or something. However, […]

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When The Golden Girls debuted in 1985, Bea Arthur and Betty White were both 63, Estelle Getty 62 and Rue McLanahan 51. Accordingly, were there to be a big-screen remake: Meryl Streep is currently 63, as is Sigourney Weaver. Cybill Shepherd is 62. And Bonnie Hunt is 51. Alternately: Jessica Lange, Pam Grier, Julie Walters […]

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VIA THE INTERNATIONAL OLYMPIC COMMITTEE Lausanne, Switzerland January 7, 2012 TO: Mr. Flap Jacks FROM: G. Elkington, Personal Assistant to Danny Boyle Dear Mr. Jacks: Thank you for your recent correspondence and suggestions regarding the opening ceremony for the 2012 Olympic Games in London, England. Mr. Boyle was quite pleased to receive your letters (all […]

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FLAPJACKS: So your problem is that nobody likes you and everybody hates you? Is that more or less the problem? It sounds like the problem. MITT ROMNEY: Well, I wouldn’t necessarily say – FLAPJACKS: Right, so nobody likes you and everybody hates you. That’s not a problem. We can work with this. So… hm. There’s […]

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Peanut butter cookies are and will always be inferior to regular cookies with peanut butter smeared on them. The best type of homemade fried rice is hot dog fried rice. If you reduce 7Up enough, you eventually get something suitable for glazing ham that looks like Crystal Gravy from that SNL fake ad. Beer can […]

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Okay so you are going to a nerd place where the nerds are and you are thinking “right I need a costume.” Everybody understands this. If you are going to be in a giant roomful of nerds then clearly the thing to do is stand out, and you can’t do that by wearing a black […]

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So I been thinking that it’s time I stopped working at the pet store because seriously, the pet store sucks. You’re over by the doggy bins and you’re marking down the puppies because they’re a month old now and they just look at you like “if you drop my price by another two hundred dollars […]

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Is it okay that I am kinda skeeved out by this? I mean I been busy the last few weeks because I was in America and all and I’m totally gonna talk about that later when I’m not busy being me, but… ewwwwww, Kevin Church! Ewwwwww!

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8:05: Okay I’m a bit late but I am totally stoked to do this because liveblogging awards shows is the coolest. Okay, so your host is Andre Braugher. Starting off with a musical number by Fergie. I guess they couldn’t get all of the Black-Eyed Peas. That’s why this show isn’t the Oscars. Although they’re […]

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So I read that Sarah Palin is gonna get her own TV show and I was all “well I bet that will kind of suck” but then I thought about it some more and I was all “you know, there is no reason that this cannot be an entertaining show.” Because when you think about […]

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