“Good morning, sir. I have prepared a breakfast of scrambled egg, kippers and bacon, as per your request.”
“Fantastic, Jeeves! I tell you truly, I’ve worked up a massive appetite and that’s no mistake.”
“Am I to assume that tonight’s excursion went well, sir?”
“Well, it started off a bit sticky. My cape got all tangled when I went to punch this one hooligan in the face.”
“Ah, yes. The cape.”
“Jeeves, we’ve had this discussion twice now. The cape is part of the ensemble.”
“We have had this discussion twice, sir, because your cape has gotten tangled up in your legs twice.”
“Ah ha, Jeeves. I didn’t say it got tangled in my legs this time, merely that it had gotten tangled.”
“In what did it get tangled?”
“Well, around my right arm.”
“Is that not your good arm for fisticuffs, sir?”
“Don’t be coy. You know it is. And the cape stays.”
“I confess, I fail to understand the appeal of the cape.”
“It’s dramatic, Jeeves. Like a bat’s wings. Criminals fear it, I reckon.”
“Do criminals fear gentlemen in opera cloaks?”
“Ah, but this is cut differently from an opera cloak. It rupples.”
“Rupples, sir?”
“Yes. It ruffles and it ripples. Therefore, it rupples.”
“This ruppling of which you speak seems to have a great deal in common with tangling.”
“Enough talk about that, Jeeves. I think I’ve made it quite clear that the cape represents my bat-wings, for I am a child of the night, and so forth.”
“Could not some other form of abstraction suffice, sir?”
“Well, without the wings, I’m hardly a bat, am I? I’m sort of a black badger.”
“I understand badgers can be quite nasty in a pinch.”
“Yes, but it’s not like a great roaring badger came smashing through my window at Brinkley, is it? It was a bat. That’s an omen, Jeeves. Can’t mess about with omens, that’s bad luck.”
“Sir, a bat did not crash through your window either. You dreamt it.”
“Dream omens are still omens.”
“I concede the point.”
“Thank you, Jeeves. By the way, this is really cracking nosh.”
“I do my best, sir. So what happened after your encounter with the criminal class?”
“Oh, that wasn’t the only one.”
“Indeed?”
“You see, after I dropped off those thugs at the local constabulary -”
“Speaking of which, sir, that Detective Gordon fellow has been around again, asking after you. I do believe he suspects.”
“Drat. Are you sure?”
“Quite sure, sir.”
“I wonder how he caught on. I’ve been doing the growly voice, you know. Doesn’t sound a thing like me at all.”
“Yes, sir, but you also did the growly voice when you did your impersonation of a bear for the Policemen’s Charitable Association last month.”
“Do you think that tipped anybody off, then?”
“I would consider it possible.”
“Oh, by the way, Jeeves, while we’re on the topic, did you pick up lozenges for me?”
“Yes, sir. Blackcurrant, as you requested.”
“Brilliant. Where was I?”
“You had just dropped off some criminals with the police.”
“Exactly. I had some time left in the night, you see, so I wandered down to the dockyards, hoping to catch some criminals doing criminalish things.”
“And did you, sir?”
“Did I ever! This was the astounding thing, Jeeves – there was this band of bravos robbing a freighter!”
“Is that really so surprising, sir? Freighters are frequently the target of the unlawful.”
“I wouldn’t call this normal.”
“Why not?”
“Didn’t I mention the fellow in the makeup?”
“No, sir.”
“Well, there was one.”
“What sort of makeup, sir? Was he dressed for a pantomime?”
“Not quite so much that, Jeeves, as he was garbed like a clown.”
“What sort of clown, sir? Traditional whiteface, auguste, or are we speaking more of the comedia dell’arte variety of Italian clown?”
“…which one is the one that wears purple pants?”
“That would most likely be auguste.”
“Anyway. This clown was in charge of the other criminals.”
“That seems most improper. An auguste clown is known for being subservient to the whiteface. It appears, sir, that your adversary has no formal training in clowning.”
“I suspected as much when he started hitting me on the head with his brolly.”
“Did you apprehend him in the end?”
“No, no, that’s the rub. I got his underlings, you can bet on that, but the big cheese, as they say, ran away with the milk and the spoon.”
“So he escaped.”
“Shame, too. I suspect this clown will make up a good deal more work for me. Oh, did you catch that? “Make up.” Totally by accident.”
“Your wit remains sharp, sir.”
“Thanks, Jeeves. Anyway, it’s been a long night, so it’s to bed for Bertie, I think. Wake me up around two, would you?”
“Certainly, sir.”
“Oh, and did you ask about -”
“Yes, I did inquire with the owner of the building as you requested. It seems that he is not keen on the idea of tenants putting in major construction projects in his apartments.”
“So that means no secret passage to the cellar, then?”
“Sadly not.”
“Drat. A secret base in the cellar would have been extremely thematic.”
“Bats do not often dwell in cellars, I believe.”
“It was a metaphor, Jeeves. A bat must have his cave, you know.”
“Or a badger his hole?”
“Do stop going on about badgers, Jeeves.”
“Certainly, sir.”
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51 users responded in this post
I liked the first Jeeves bit I read (the chocolate one) a great deal. This one presents quite a dilemma.
You see, there have been many Batmen. Adam West and George Clooney and Michael Keaton (who, shall we note, has impeccable comic timing. Tim Burton directing Michael Keaton as Bertie Wooster in Batman might have actually worked better than–well. Either of the Batman movies). But now Christian Bale is to Batman as Daniel Craig is to James Bond; other guys might play the character, sure, but they’re not gonna the guy, as it were. After Begins and The Dark Knight, I have trouble picturing someone other than Bale as the Knight (though not someone else as the Joker. Maybe because Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the poor man’s Heath Ledger, or at least the one remaining).
But after Fry and Laurie took on Jeeves and Wooster, I have trouble imagining anyone else in those roles, too. Which meant I had Hugh Laurie as Batman in my head while reading this.
Which doesn’t quite work. Laurie is brilliant, certainly, but not in the general shape for fisticuffs.
It’s amazing how pop culture so readily appropriates and displaces the characters in our heads. I can’t decide if this is Bale and Caine or Laurie and Fry playing Batman and Alfred as Jeeves and Wooster. Which is pretty brilliant.
[…] Bertie Wooster as Bruce Wayne. […]
“It appears, sir, that your adversary has no formal training in clowning.”
We gotta send Jack Napier back to clown school?!
This is an elseworlds story waiting to happen.
You simply must write it
(after LOSH but before Strange)
I look forward to more of these “What if Bertie Wooster…” tales.
Many apologies, I do like your blog a great deal, thank you for your efforts. But please, please, don’t do any more Wodehouse. I’m finding it quite painful. I’m really very sorry to have to say it, but there it is.
Disregard the above. Keep up the good work.
This is why the internet was invented. Well and the porn of course…
I adored the chocolate one, but this is even more hysterical. I wonder if Fink-Nottle is the Penguin… regardless, I love this…
IF NOT FOR ONE FATAL FLAW!
“Purple pants?” Bertie is a brit! It’s “purple trousers”.
Unless… hmm… perhaps this Bertie is in Gotham in the US… double-hmmmmmm…
I think we need more Bertie Batman.
I am loving this new Bertie/Jeeves stuff. It’s fantastic!
Wunderbar.
Please continue.
I expect to see Jeeves/Wooster doing Lethal Weapon sometime soon.
Will Entrekin: Actually, according to a recent interview, it turns out that Hugh Laurie has actually recently become interested in pugilism. He said he wanted to try learning a domestic martial art, before/in place of a foreign one.
I fail to see how this is different than any normal Batman and Alfred conversation.
“Do criminals fear gentlemen in opera cloaks?”
It does feel right that Jeeves would have no time for the Batman conventions we all take for granted. I can only imagine he would ask if a more discreet method of contact might be preferable to this “Bat-Signal” concept Bertie’s been thinking of; the notion is workable if villains oblige only to commit robberies on overcast days.
Forget Dr. Strange and LSH.
indeed disregard mr. paul above. wodehouse is a much, much harder style to adopt than most lay parody-writers think, but you do it extremely well. top hole.
… Damn. I was kind of hoping we’d get to see what Bertie made of Catwoman, or possibly Poison Ivy.
Yes! More Jeeves and Wooster, please.
I too was bothered by the ‘purple pants’. It must be ‘trousers’. No proper Englishmen would ever say ‘gotten’, either. It’s always ‘got’, even in participle form. (Actually, the word ‘gotten’ has a long history in the England, particularly in the North, but in modern times it’s considered a vulgar Americanism.)
Haha, this is great! Your Jeeves voice is a little casual at times, but you capture the spirit of Wodehouse well and the concept is tickling me to no end.
Wait, wait, wait.
How do we know that the Joker did not, in fact, have his slacks fall down in the scuffle? Bertie could very well mean his underpants, could he not?
Oh, this is SO appropriate 🙂
That was really funny. The Alfred-Master Bruce and Jeeves-Wooster parallels are uncanny once you pointed them out.
So, to what extent, if any, was this inspired by the fact that Bruce Wayne and Bertie Wooster share the same initials?
Pvp did it first
What if Bertie Wooster, in addition to being a layabout, edited the Spider-Man line?
Surely, the Auguste Clown should wear purple plus fours.
[…] 22nd – What if Bertie Wooster, rather than being a mere layabout, was also Batman? – Just a big pile of […]
What if Bertie Wooster, in addition to being a layabout, was the owner of Rex the Wonder Dog?
[…] Bird of Mightygodking fame answers a question our collective subconscious has been meaning to ask: what if Bertie Wooster was Batman?: “I confess, I fail to understand the appeal of the cape.” “It’s dramatic, Jeeves. Like a […]
Smashing!
[…] What Ho! By xeyeti This is quite possibly the most brilliant thing I’ve read in quite some time. I’m just […]
=chuckles= I’d pay to see that… Good old Bertie. =)
[…] What if Bertie Wooster was also Batman? Categories: Uncategorized Tags: Batman Comments (0) Trackbacks (0) Leave a comment Trackback […]
Brilliant! You got their voices spot-on!
It appears, sir, that your adversary has no formal training in clowning.”
That is win. This was lots of fun. I hope to see more things like this.
Okay, that was amazing, and I like how Jeeves was offended by the lack of formal clown training 😀
[…] finally just about over my two-week-plus cold and no longer sound like Batman when I […]
This is utterly brilliant! 😀
As brevity is wit : “delightful”.
[…] I just started reading this and I had to share because it’s frickin’ hilarious: What if Bertie Wooster was Batman? I can totally see Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry engaged in that […]
[…] Jeeves & Wooster | Jeeves, Wooster | G | What if Bertie Wooster, rather than being a mere layabo… […]
Oh my, what a wonderful take on Wodehouse’s character. Dare I hope there are more?
XD
[…] that’s a suitable grounding for extrapolating & visualising the scene here in “What if Bertie Wooster, rather than being a mere layabout, was also Batman?“. “Enough talk about that, Jeeves. I think I’ve made it quite clear that the cape […]
[…] P. G. Wodehouse does Batman. […]
[…] PDRTJS_settings_159630_post_2507 = { "id" : "159630", "unique_id" : "wp-post-2507", "title" : "Wooster-shire+sauciness", "item_id" : "_post_2507", "permalink" : "http%3A%2F%2Fsarahmackenzie.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F03%2F19%2Fwooster-shire-sauciness%2F" } Do you often wonder…What if Bertie Wooster, rather than being a mere layabout, was also Batman? […]
Bobbie as Pioson Ivy, Madeleine as Harley Quinn and Flossie as Cat Woman? Just a thought…
Haaaaaaahaha, almost died laughing. One small tip though, to get it completely perfect..a fellow forummember of a HL forum pointed out: In English it’s trousers, not pants. You should SO send it to Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie!
“Good morning. Your breakfast sir. I have prepared your usual scrambled egg, kippers and bacon.”
“Splendid Jeeves! I’ve worked up the most colossal appetite.
“Then tonight’s excursion went well, sir?”
“A bit sticky at the outset, as a matter of fact. I went to punch a hooligan and as luck would have it, got tangled in my wretched cape.
“You may perhaps recall. sir, that I warned you of the unsuitability of such a garment.”
“Jeeves, I’ve told you twice, now. That cape is part of my ensemble. . .”
“Is that not, sir, because twice your legs have got entangled in your cape.”
“Ah ha, Jeeves. I didn’t say my legs were entangled in my cape, merely that I had got entangled in it.”
“If I may enquire, sir, what did get entangled?”
“Well, my right arm, actually.”
“Is that not the arm you use for smiting the foe, sir?”
“You’re being tedious, Jeeves. You know perfectly well that it’s my smiting arm. I am not to be bullied. The cape stays.”
“I confess, sir, I fail to understand the appeal of the cape.”
“Dramatic, Jeeves, don’t you know? Like a bat’s wings. The criminal mind fears it instinctively.”
“Do I understand you to say, sir, that the criminal mind instinctively fears gentlemen in opera-cloaks?”
“Ah, but my cape is no opera-cloak, Jeeves. By no means. For one thing, the cut is quite different. It rupples.”
“Rupples, sir?”
“Yes. It ruffles and it ripples. Therefore, it rupples.”
“This ruppling of which you speak, sir. Might one suggest that ruppling merely denotes its propensity to entangle?”
“That’s quite enough about entangling, Jeeves. My cape is the very pith and marrow of my bat-wings, don’t you know, for I am a child of the night and . . . and so forth.”
“Might not some less inconvenient means of simulation serve equally, sir?”
“Well, without the wings, I’m hardly a bat, am I? Just a sort of black badger.”
“I understand, sir, that even badgers can be quite unpleasantly aggressive, if provoked.”
“Yes, but it isn’t as if a great roaring badger came smashing through my window at Brinkley, is it? That was a bat. An omen, Jeeves. Can’t mess about with omens, you know. Very bad luck.”
“You may recollect, sir, that a bat did not crash through your window. It was merely a dream.”
“Dream or not, Jeeves, omens are still omens.”
“Undoubtedly, sir. But that hardly alters the case.”
“ I say, Jeeves, if I may change the subject, this provender is jolly good.”
“I endeavour to give satisfaction, sir. May I ask, sir, what was the result of your encounter with the criminals you mention?”
“Oh, but that was not my only encounter, Jeeves.”
“Indeed, sir?”
“Well, first of all, I delivered the first lot to the local constabulary.”
“Speaking of the constabulary, sir, I ought perhaps to mention that Inspector Gordon called again. He was most anxious to see you. It would seem, sir, that he entertains suspicions.”
“How dashed awkward. Are you quite sure, Jeeves?”
“Quite sure, sir.”
“I wonder how he caught on. I’ve been doing the growly voice, you know. Doesn’t sound a bit like Bertram.”
“You may remember, sir, that you also used the growly voice last month for your bear impersonation at the Policemen’s Charitable Association evening.”
“You don’t think he got the idea then, do you, Jeeves?”
“I should consider it extremely probable, sir.”
“Oh. Oh , by the way, Jeeves, if I may change the subject again, did you manage to get those lozenges from the chemist?”
“Yes, sir. Blackcurrant, as you requested.”
“Topping. Where was I, Jeeves?”
“You had just placed certain miscreants in the hands of the police, sir.”
“Oh, yes, so I had. Well, then. The night was young, Jeeves, so I took a stroll down by Wapping, on the off chance of catching some more criminals in flagrante, if that’s the phrase.”
“And did you, sir?”
“Well actually, Jeeves, since you ask, I did,. That was the astounding thing – I came across a gang absolutely stripping a cargo vessel.
“Hardly astounding, sir. For cargo vessels the depredations of the dockland criminal are a quite usual hazard.”
“I wouldn’t call this usual.”
“Indeed, sir? ”
“Didn’t I mention the fellow in fancy dress?”
“No, sir.”
“Well, there was one.”
“When you say ‘fancy dress’, sir, do you mean as for a pantomime? The dame, perhaps?”
“More like a clown, Jeeves, I’d say.”
“What sort of clown, sir? Traditional whiteface, auguste? An Italian clown, possibly, of the comedia dell’arte variety?”
“Which one wears purple pantaloons?”
“That is auguste, sir.”
“Well, at any rate, Jeeves, this clown was the ringleader.”
“That would be most improper, sir. The auguste clown is customarily subservient to the whiteface. It would appear that your adversary has had no formal training in clowning.”
“You know, Jeeves, I suspected as much. He hit me on the head with his brolly.”
“Did you apprehend him, sir?”
“No, no, that’s the thing. I got his underlings, though. But the big cheese got away.”
“How unfortunate, sir.
“Looks bad, Jeeves. And I expect this clown will make up for lost time. I say, did you hear that, Jeeves? “Make up.” Came to me quite by chance.”
“Most amusing, sir.”
“Thank you, Jeeves. Well, it’s been a long night, so it’s bedtime for Bertie, I think. Be a good fellow, Jeeves, and don’t wake me before two.”
“Just as you please, sir.”
“Oh, and Jeeves, did you ask about . .?”
“Yes, sir, I approached the owner of the building as you suggested. He did not appear to favour the proposal. ”
“No secret passage to the cellar, then?”
“I fear not, sir
“Well that dishes the bally scheme. A secret base in the cellar would have been jolly thematic.”
“Hardly, sir. None of the cheiroptera is known to frequent cellars.”
“I speak figuratively, Jeeves. A bat must have his cave, you know.”
“And, if I may say so, sir, a badger his hole.”
“Jeeves, do stop going on about badgers.”
“Certainly, sir.”
Oh yes, please change it to “trousers”. “Pants” was like being hit on the head with a frying pan. Spectacularly lovely otherwise though.
This was absolutely wonderful, thank you so much. I’d clean forgotten how much I adore Wodehouse. 🙂
You might very much enjoy my new e-book, WODEHOUSEBROKEN—in the penultimate story of which, Jeeves subs in for his cousin, A. Pennyworth.
http://amzn.to/KWCE3V