Been a busy weekend, but let’s face it, I had to get to this sooner or later. I can’t talk about DC’s greatest heroes winding up at J.K. Rowling’s magical wizard academy without talking about Marvel’s big heroes and where they’d wind up. (I’d discuss the X-Men, but let’s face it, they already are at a school for people with strange and unusual powers run by a manipulative old guy who’s training them to use their powers to fight evil. The only difference is that Dumbledore didn’t generally chuck bowling balls at people’s heads to test their reflexes.) So who would wind up in which house? Who am I picking as an “Avengers” lineup? Let’s find out!
Captain America: An obvious choice for an Avenger, but a less obvious decision over which house he winds up in. On the one hand, you can’t question the courage of the star-spangled Avenger; this is a guy who wanted to join World War II before it even started, because despite the fact that he weighed ninety pounds soaking wet, he wanted to go sock Hitler on the jaw. And that’s before you even get into the “standing toe-to-toe with Thanos despite Thanos having the Infinity Gauntlet and Cap having his fighting spirit” thing. But courage, while it is an important trait of Cap, is not his defining trait.
The recent Cap movie actually showed it best, in the scenes between Steve Rogers and Professor Erskine (some of the best scenes in a great movie.) Cap doesn’t join up because he wants to go out and prove his courage fighting Nazis, he joins up because he believes strongly that he should stand up for people who can’t stand up for themselves and it never even occurs to him that he’s one of them. He joins out of a sense of duty to protect others, and if that’s not Hufflepuff, I don’t know what is.
Iron Man: Lately, of course, it seems like Tony is a prime candidate for Slytherin; somewhere around the time he conquered his alcoholism, desperate writers have settled on “asshole control freak tries to use technology to control his surroundings and finds out the hard way just how badly that turns out” as his default story arc. (That is, when he’s not being mind controlled to kill lots of people. You begin to understand why they rebooted him three times.) But underlying the whole desire to control is a naive, almost pathetic belief that he can solve all his problems just by inventing cool enough stuff that it will fix everyone’s problems in the whole world. Tony Stark thinks that if he can create a better process, a better system, then he can create a better humanity. This belief that intelligence, properly applied, can solve any problem makes him a perfect Ravenclaw!
Thor: Thor routinely goes out and fights giants. Because he can. You’d just have to wave the Sorting Hat in his general direction to hear “GRYFFINDOR!” shouted out in the Great Hall.
Hawkeye: He’s one of my all-time favorite characters and a staple Avenger (who has, in my personal opinion, been mishandled worse under the Quesada/Bendis era of the series worse than any other character in the entire franchise, and that includes the decision to make Power Man and Iron Fist Avengers.) He’s also a joyously uncomplicated character, a brash manchild who found purpose and meaning to his life by joining the Avengers and adopting their ideals as his own. Arguably, Hawkeye’s turn under the Sorting Hat would involve a long, telepathic argument over whether or not they should just make a fifth house, because it’s downright insulting to stick Earth’s Mightiest Heroes in a bunch of lesser outfits. But eventually, the Sorting Hat would decide that a guy who deliberately forgoes Hank Pym’s growth serum to battle mad gods and alien armadas armed with a bow and arrows belongs in Gryffindor.
Hank Pym: Okay, maybe Hank Pym was handled worse by Bendis than any other character…let’s call it a toss-up, okay? (Yes, I have issues with Bendis’ handling of the classic Avengers characters. Specifically, I have several hundred issues, and all of them establish clear character beats that Bendis ignores because paying attention to established characterization takes up time he could be using to plot his latest three-issue long halting conversation.) The point is, Hank Pym’s defining character trait isn’t anger or emotional instability. He had a major nervous breakdown at one point that caused him to lash out against his friends and loved ones, but what caused that breakdown was the stress of trying to be a superhero even though he was never really cut out for it. He wanted to be a scientist, helping people through his inventions instead of hitting people, but duty to the people he cared about kept calling him back to it. It’s that sense of dedication to the Avengers that makes the Sorting Hat choose Hufflepuff over Ravenclaw, even though it might take a while to choose.
Wasp: Let’s see. Janet became a superhero because her father died and her new boyfriend suggested she help him avenge that death (two emotional connections early on.) She spent her free time volunteering at a local hospital reading to sick children (duty to the helpless.) She met a bunch of superheroes and immediately suggested they all bond together into a common group (more dedication to community and family.) She eventually wound up becoming the chairwoman of the Avengers–not because she was ambitious, but because a chairwoman was needed and it was time for her to step up and help the team. She eventually sacrificed herself…um, sort of, because Thor did something, or…*sigh* Bendis… *sigh* The point is, when you look at the Wasp’s career, she’s always been about dedication to her large, self-made, extended family. She might never have become a hero if she’d been left to her own devices, but she cares about heroes enough to want to help them out. She’s a Hufflepuff if there ever was one.
Bonus non-Avenger characters! While I will maintain, to my dying day, that the inclusion of Spider-Man and Wolverine into the ranks of the Avengers was a colossal mistake that shows that Bendis not only never understood any of the characters he was writing, he actually never understood the core concept of the book he took over and should not have been allowed near the series with a ten-foot pole, I also know that people probably want to know where they wound up. So for the record, Spidey‘s a classic Hufflepuff (“with great power must come great responsibility”), while Wolverine would be a Gryffindor until he got expelled for sneaking non-butter-beer into the dorms and wound up getting kept by Hagrid as a pet.
Which still leaves a lot of Avengers. Let’s face it, unlike the JLA, the Avengers has a constantly fluctuating line-up; feel free to add your favorite Avengers in the comments!
Related Articles
49 users responded in this post
Okay, I’ll bite.
The Hulk would be sorted into Ravenclaw. Well, it’s Bruce Wayne who really qualifies, but there’s always a chance you’ll be dealing with his Professor persona even when he’s powered up.
It’s hard to think of a major Avenger who’d qualify for Slytherin (althouth as noted, some would put Tony Stark there.) But ambition and cunning are requisite qualities for a spy with mercurial allegiances. So I’d give Slytherin Black Widow, even if the 616 version of the character isn’t evil.
Vision – Hufflepuff over Ravenclaw, it’s his humanity that he values the most.
Quicksilver -Slytherin just feels like it’d fit.
Black Panther – Ravenclaw most likely.
Hercules – Gryffindor for the same reasons as Thor.
Beast – Ravenclaw
Tigra – Hufflepuff
Probably the hardest is Ms Marvel, she could fit in any of the houses depending on how you look at her, certainly courage, tactics and intelligent, loyalty to friends and post HoM a lot of ambition to be the best superhero she can.
Whoa, Black Panther’s totally Slytherin.
I’d also put Namor in there.
I don’t know where Wonder Man would be. Gryffindor, maybe
Deadpool must be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
@Remora I think Black Panther is a better Ravenclaw for the same reasons Batman might be a Ravenclaw, plus the fact he’s meant to be one of the smartest minds in the MU. But I’d agree that Slytherin would be a close second.
Mr. Seavey’s accurate evaluation about the value of Mr. Bendis’ contributions is only exceeded by his inaccurate value of Ms. Rowling’s framework.
I would be more engaged by a discussion of which superheroes would eat Lucky Charms, Count Chocula, Boo Berry, or Frankenberry. At least, such a discussion would have a chance of taking itself with the proper amount of seriousness.
Also, stay off my lawn!
Batman absolutely eats Count Chocula.
Captain America eats Wheaties.
Batman absolutely eats Count Chocula.
Preposterous. Ala Morrison, on those rare occasions when Batman eats, he consumes a food paste designed to simultaneously keep him alert, utilize energy efficiently, speed the healing process, and maintain muscle mass while reminding him that his parents are dead.
Honest question: At what point does “out of character” or “they don’t belong” become a moot point?
I don’t mean that you are wrong to say Bendis has written them out of character, or that Spidey and Wolvie (or Luke or whoever) shouldn’t be Avengers. I just mean… When it goes long enough, it eventually becomes who the characters are, doesn’t it? One could argue that when Denny O’Neil and Neal Adams began writing/drawing Batman darker and more serious, they were presenting him “out of character” but eventually it went on long enough, and was successful enough, that it became the default take on Bats. And, like it or not, I think that’s happening with The Avengers, and the various characters. If the franchise stays at the top of Marvel’s sales charts, and these characters are written in that character for a decade or so (and it looks likely Bendis will get to a decade, if not longer, on the franchise) then, at some point, that becomes who they are, and what the Avengers are.
That said, LOVE the Thor entry in this.
@Farewell: That’s an interesting point, but I think I’d pick a better example than Neal Adams Batman, since the original take on Batman is pretty dark (A fitting end for his kind!). Adams and O’Neil were reacting to the Batman TV series, and the camp that had come to define the character. I think it counts as a return to form, actually.
And I’m not sure that one guy’s desire to make every superhero sound like a crappy knock-off of an Alan Sorkin series the defining take on a character. I mean, I love me some Morrison Batman, but we’ve seen too many other takes on Batman for that to become the defining take on the character, no matter how much I’d like to see it.
In response to the article, I freely admit to not knowing a great deal about the classic Avengers line up, but didn’t Pym invent a murderous, indestructible killer robot to beat the Avengers, just so he could beat it in an unfair fight and look like a hero? Didn’t that robot return again and again to threaten all of Earth, and cause millions in property damage and carnage? Yeah, that guy’s an asshole.
Deadpool isn’t the “Defense Against the Dark Arts” Teacher.
He’s just the “Dark Arts” teacher. He introduces plasma rifles to Hogwarts, and I believe that we can all support that.
@John Pym was having a psychotic break brought on by stress and a problem with the chemicals that gave him his powers. His “Yellowjacket” superhero persona essentially took on a life of its own, to the point that he talked about Pym as a separate entity (and I think maybe believed he was), slapped his wife, and then did what you said in the post above.
In other words, typical comic book stuff these days, but it happened a couple of decades before it became fairly common, so the character’s been unfairly painted with the “abusive nutjob husband” brush. And that’s a shame, because there’s a pretty neat character in there, and it sucks that every single book that has him as a character eventually gets around to playing with this ridiculous “defining” moment. To give perspective, if Daredevil spends the next 30 years every time he shows up having to apologize for the whole Shadowland thing, that’s still more understandable than the way Pym is constantly having to apologize for one bad incident caused (mostly) by external factors.
Captain America is bravery and courage. Pure Gryffindor.
I do think Hufflepuff gets a bad rap because its name sounds goofy. I think people forget too often that its totemic animal is a badger. Badgers are BADASS; remember that they are related to wolverines. Do not fuck with them.
That said — not only did you forget Bruce Banner/Hulk (which makes sense in comics context, but given the forthcoming movie, is somewhat of a glaring omission), but… then Strawhair goes and mistakes him for Bruce Wayne instead *facepalm*. Hulk don’t get no respect?
Black Knight (one of my all-time favorite Avengers and one I’d pay good money to see back at the forefront) is a toughy. Gryffindor because he gets thrown into all kinds of weird shit just because he’s related to a heroic dead guy, and Ravenclaw because he is a brilliant scientist with a magic sword and it works for him.
True enough that Batman was dark in the 30’s and early 40’s. But by the time Denny and Neal got the book, he’d been a sci-fi adventurer and a campy superhero for around two decades. At any rate, the example isn’t the point, the concept is. At some point, when a character is written a certain way for a long enough period of time, it’s no longer “out of character.” Rather, it is what the character is, or has become. Especially when the book is also successful.
The trick with all superheroes (and all heroes, really) is that they’ll have a certain mix of all four characteristics. I mean, Hermione Granger obviously could have been a Ravenclaw, but she also possessed fierce dedication, ambition and… bravery, which the hat obviously felt was the most vital.
Which, I know, duh, but I wanted to restate the obvious before talking about Black Panther. I think he’d be a sure pick for Slytherin because depending on the timeline he’s either the rightful heir to a powerful nation, the hereditary ruler of a powerful nation, or the diplomatic figurehead of a powerful nation. He’s one of the smartest people in the world, sure… but he’s also very brave and very dedicated to the less fortunate. But I think all that’s superseded by (again, some of this is version-and-timeline dependent) an incredible ambition to lead, represent or preserve Wakanda and its people, to live up to the title of Black Panther and the memory of his father, and to avenge his father’s death. I think he’d be Slytherin for all the reasons Harry Potter almost was.
The whole sorting hat business is a textbook illustration of why I can’t stand Harry Potter.
I rather want to see Ms. Marvel as a Slytherin, just so we get multiple heroic Slytherins. I agree with sorting Quicksilver, Black Widow, and Black Panther into that house as well.
A couple other female Avengers that haven’t been mentioned: She-Hulk seems like a definite Gryffindor. Mockingbird is Ravenclaw.
How about Scarlet Witch?
Pre-Disassembled, I would put Wanda in Hufflepuff. Afterwards, I have no clue.
Could Moon Knight’s multiple personalities belong to different Houses?
(He was in West Coast Avengers for a whole handful of issues!)
Y’know, they really should just give Spidey and Wolverine their own team-up series at this point.
Oh wait, they did. And it was awesome. And only 6 issues long. Why can’t we have more of that?
I realize that the first comment was a typo, but the combination is just too awesome to pass up.
BAT-HULK SMASH!
That’s an interesting list you got there, but I can’t help to take issue with it.
Captain America, the embodiment of courage and bravery, does not belong in Hufflepuff. He belongs in Gryffindor.
Meanwhile, I would argue that hugely loyal guys like Thor, Hercules, and Wolverine belong in that house of the loyal badger, Hufflepuff.
I’m just saying.
Honey Badger don’t care!
I think I remember that Spidey/Wolverine miniseries. Was it the one where Spidey pummels Wolverine’s head right through a tombstone in the last issue?
Was surprised to see you say Hank’s been treated worst under Bendis’ brush, when I’d say he’s the classic Avenger that’s escaped harm the most (Wanda’s been most damaged, followed by Hawkeye, IMO). Bendis has given Hank a few bad scenes (the SI focus with Jan, which was as bad for her as for him; the being surprised Cap would turn to him for help; and for some reason has other characters inexplicably hate him) but I think his stated dislike for the character means he’s generally tried to avoid using him. Which has fortunately let Slott and Gage do some really good stuff with him. I think you could argue that he’s the classic Avenger that’s been spared the most in the Quesada/Bendis era, especially when you compare with the characters Bendis claims to like, like poor Wanda and Clint (and Jan, and Vision and Tigra and now Simon..).
@Joe: Daredevil’s ALREADY spent more than 30 years with his life in the crapper because he was a lousy boyfriend, so maybe that’s a bad example.
Anyway, I’ll take your and word that Py’s an interesting character. The few stories I’ve ever read that featured 616 Pym just didn’t make him seem very interesting.
This is really pretty indicative of the problems with the Hogwarts houses. As I recall, one of the sorting hat songs even refers to Hufflepuff as “all the rest.”
HULK’S PARENTS ARE DEEAAAAAAAD!
@MarvinAndroid Yeah, I always wondered about that. I mean, if Hufflepuff is the hardworkers and loyal people, what happens to the kids who are cowardly, dull, naive and lazy?
@Remora That pretty much describes to a “T” Neville Longbottom in the first book. Then over the course of the next six he becomes something far better because he’s surrounded by friends and allies who help him be better.
I think the Avenger most deserving of Slytherin, off the top of my head, is probably Doctor Druid.
Like Tim said, I think it’s mentioned at least once that sometimes the hat places you in a house because you don’t have the appropriate quality at all, so as to build it in you.
The GLA all probably fall into either Hufflepuff or Griffindor.
what? a list about hogwarts avengers & Wanda’s not even in it? come on man , she’s been on that team more than any other one! & yep she’d be a good Hufflepuff.
& poor Hank Pym always gets far more crap than he deserves… I mean when I read the guy in the Busiek & Johns runs he actually does heroic stuff & is nowhere an abusive jerk as most paint him as. His nickname should be Robot-puncher due to how many times he fights his bastard of a robotic son Ultron & punches the oedipian trash can
Bah, the Gravy Express beat me to the Moon Knight comment.
To expand on it, I guess you could put Marc Spector in Slytherin, Joe Lockley in Hufflepuff, and Moon Knight in Gryffindor… But trying to complete the set by squeezing Steven Grant into Ravenclaw doesn’t work: the persona’s defining elements are his art collection and being bossed around by his girlfriend while in the jacuzzi… Which I guess is Hufflepuffian, if anything?
Classing Spider-man as a Hufflepuff feels like ignoring the Ditko side of his personality. We’re talking about someone whose explosive temper, bottled-up feelings, and inability to ask (non-FF) others for help kept him out of the Avengers for thirty years and turned his relationship with his supporting cast into a daytime soap opera. Plus his adversarial relationship with the public is as important to his mythology as it is to the X-Men’s.
@Remora Since Harry was in Gryffindor, I guess we can conclude that dull lazy cowards go to… Gryffindor.
Neville was the real hero anyway.
But the real question is what house should MODOK go in?
“Because he’s the hero that Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now…and so we’ll hunt him…because he can take it…because he’s not a hero…he’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector…a BIG GREEN ANGRY BEHEMOTH THAT SMASH PUNY HUMANS!!!! TAKING BLAME FOR JOKER’S BAD DEEDS MAKE BATHULK ANGRYYY!!!!”
No, the real question is what would MODOK do, if he found his memory got to full?
It’s clear that the Sorting Hat has a hard-on for Gryffindor, since it lets the purported qualities of that house overrule everything else (really, Hermione should be Ravenclaw and Ron Hufflepuff), with a side order of putting the kids it doesn’t particularly like in Slytherin. So all the Avengers get sorted into Gryffindor, save for those like Masque, Deathcry, etc. to which its reaction is to revoke their admission.
Spider-Woman would probably be a Slytherin.
Assigning Spider-Woman to a house is difficult because she’s mostly a cypher nowadays. She had more personality on her original series, but nowadays things just seem to happen AT her and she goes wherever the plot requires. Bendis’ recent Spider-Woman miniseries was sadly lacking and shallow as a teaspoon; Jessica Drew had a quest to hunt aliens as sole motivation and not much else in the way of a personality.
Based on her original characterization, I’d say Spider-Woman would be a Ravenclaw. And she’d still be drawn by Carmine Infantino as a mysterious hovering figure.
He’d find a powersource and then he’d pick what plugs to pull.
“is a guy who wanted to join World War II before it even started”
Uh sort of. He wanted to join WWII before the US was involved certainly but I think the good people of (deep breath) Poland, China, Russia, Korea, France, England, Holland, Austria, Germany, Italy, Ethopia, Greece and Finland certainly thought WWII was up and running by 1940.
PS why can’t we live in a world where Bat Hulk has 8 monthly books? I’d buy them all.
Dr. Strange would probably be Ravenclaw, maaaaybee Griffyndor. And Defense Against Dark Arts Teacher.