Zach Butler, a while back, asked:
So how’s being a lawyer going?
Well. I work here.
The thing about family law that the casual reader may not understand is that in law school, I’m pretty sure there isn’t another branch of law where you will hear more horror stories – many of them from former family lawyers who got out – about the practice of family law. You have to really be dedicated to the idea of practicing in it to want to do it while you’re still in law school, which makes my roundabout way of having become a family lawyer (I certainly never planned on it when I went to law school) all the more odd. I recently attended the Ontario Bar Association’s annual family law conference, and was struck by the age of the participants: I’m not exactly a kid any more but even so, I was still one of the younger lawyers there. Granted, the entire Ontario bar at this point is aging, it seems, but the family law bar is definitely older than many other subsectors of law, and I think young lawyers being scared away from it has something to do with that.
This is not to say that it is not emotional and difficult work. It is, and I had to learn early on to not take it home with me. A lot of people can’t do that – find that line where caring about your client and wanting the best for them stops at where it becomes onerous on your own emotional health. I can do it, though – that’s quite obvious to me at this point. (I’m not sure what that says about me personally.)
Clients can and will lie to you – most of them will do so unwittingly because they have become to believe their narrative so firmly that the points where said narrative is not really true in the classic sense will become lost to them, but every so often you deal with the client who just straight-up lies to you because they’ve realized that, as a lawyer, you actually aren’t allowed to lie on their behalf, as so many people assume is the case. I can not proactively mention details that are pertinent to my client’s case in a proceeding, but I can’t lie about the existence of those details.1 But the active liars are easier to deal with than the self-convincers, frankly, because the self-convincers are, well. convinced. Most of the time, it is not so great an issue that it can’t be resolved. A lot of people just need their lawyer to tell them “this is how it is” and be a sympathetic but firm voice of reason. But sometimes it is an issue.
Ultimately, I like the work. I don’t know if it’s my life’s work per se, but I’m going to do it for a while because, well, I’m kind of good at it. The emotional thing aside, I quite like the fact that in family law, being somebody’s counsel isn’t just an empty word: I have to talk with my clients about much more than legal strategy because a large part of practicing family law in Ontario is explaining to clients that it doesn’t matter how much they might loathe their ex at this point: if they had kids together (and practically all of our casework involves custody in some way), then the other parent of your children is going to be a part of your life for the next twenty years regardless of how custody and access plays out because, hey, you had kids together, and the province takes the view that, where a parent isn’t abusive, it’s in the best interests of the kids to get to have a relationship with that parent. Which means you’re just going to keep seeing them. Which means part of my job, as a lawyer, is to get clients to accept that and move on – help them get past the emotional pain of the end of a relationship and work them through the five stages as quickly as possible so they can get to “acceptance” for their own sake. I’m not going to do all of their counselling – I’m not a therapist – but I have to be mindful of it. And I quite like the fact that my work is hands-on in that sense.
- In many ways lawyering is much like being an Aes Sedai in Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time series. Yes, I said that with a straight face. [↩]
Related Articles
18 users responded in this post
In my area of the Southeast US the majority of family lawyers are female. Is that generally the case in your experience?
Single Female Lawyer….
I have to take the opportunity to applaud you, sir. I (hopefully) am about to become an American lawyer, and through my experiences with actually working in the law, the strongest lesson I’ve learned, for me, is “bloody hell not family law.” So I am always in awe of people who can do family law and enjoy it, and be passionate about it, because it is extremely necessary work. So I applaud you.
Thanks for the upbeat post on what could’ve been a downbeat subject! Positivity on the internet is a good thing.
Sounds like hard work; and a little bit like social work, at least the 5 stages part. Do people who want to get into social work type stuff sometimes decide to go into family law?
In no way am I suggesting that family law isn’t a heart-breaking legal field, but criminal defense is also notorious, especially in law school.
Sure, people remember the first time a nice, sweet mom has to compromise on access to the kids; but not like everyone remembers their first visit to prison. That shit changes you, fast.
@highlyverbal – my father wouldn’t trade being a public defender for family law for any amount of money. He says that criminal lawyers get to see bad people at their best, while civil lawyers of any kind tend to see good people at their worst. Prison doesn’t seem to faze him; family disputes do.
I’ve been a Family Lawyer in Melbourne, Australia for around 13 years. Whenever people ask “How could you do something like Family Law?”, my standard answer is “Well, how could I do tax law for 40 years?? I’d want to shoot myself in the head…”
That usually ends the discussion.
The main frustration is people spending money on legal fees completely out of proportion to the subject of the dispute. I (finally) settled a matter last week where the legal fees of the parties (combined) were approximately $140,000.00, while the asset pool was $1.1 million.
Lawyers are Aes Sendai? No wonder that hot prosecutor wouldn’t date me during that murder trial.
I’m curious, is Canadian family law as hugely biased towards conservative social norms as it is in the States?
I wouldn’t say its routine, but down here things like “You’ve starting bringing people with whom you’re having a sexual relationship in contact with your child” or “You are openly atheist” can, in isolation, cause things like loss of primary physical custody or dramatic curtailment of visiting rights.
I also wonder… are there legal sanctions in place for people who CAN’T get to the stage of acceptance? Down here a lot of people, once they realize they are going to have to deal with their much-loathed ex for twenty years, embark on a deliberate campaign to poison their children against them. This won’t qualify as abuse per se if you’re careful about it, but the courts tend to take a dim view.
So Flapjacks is your pillow friend? It all makes sense now!
Huh, you went to Carelton? Cool. Im also amused they give such space to the Atorontoist and this very blog. 😉
hahahahahahahaha it’s funny because you’re serious and that’s actually really sad
Uh… it is?
I’m afraid the reason for your… I’m guessing that’s rueful mirth?… has flown right over my head. My questions were indeed genuine, based on my (possibly erroneous and admittedly limited) knowledge of family law in the US and my complete ignorance as to how family law works in Canada.
You are, of course, under no obligation to educate me. But I honestly find your reply baffling.
I’m thinking (maybe hoping?) it’s hilarious because even Canada’s conservatives are left of most the US liberals.
@Murc
Your admittedly limited knowledge of family law in the US is only “possibly erroneous” in the sense that, in some circles, it’s considered a virtue to remain absolutely skeptical at all times about literally everything.
I’m also completely ignorant of Canadian law, but I’m going to go ahead and assume that getting a new boyfriend is the most disgraceful thing your Mommy can do.
Your Momma so wanton she will probably leave you alone in a hot car. On the bright side locked cars don’t get hot enough to kill you up in Canada.
I’d bet that in theory U.S. family law is no worse than Canadian, but is probably more variable in quality, and law in general may be more expensive and family law is relatively low-stakes – financially, of course, not necessarily on the personal level – so if you litigate and have the bad luck to have a caveman judge or lawyer involved, you’re less likely to be able to appeal it to reasonable people. Just guessing, though.
People who hold “conservative social norms” (deliciously Orwellian!) would regard Canada as virulently leftist.