FLAPJACKS: Dog! We must duel! A duel to the death!
MGK: How dare you call me a dog! We must duel! To the death!
FLAPJACKS: Yes! The Countess’ honour will be avenged!
MGK: …wait, what?
FLAPJACKS: The Countess. Her honour. You know.
MGK: No, not following you.
FLAPJACKS: Look, it is widely known that you poured beer all over the Countess! It angers me to think of you disrespecting her that way!
MGK: I’m not saying that wouldn’t be bad if I had done it.
FLAPJACKS: Precisely!
MGK: Although it would be hot, in a consensual context.
FLAPJACKS: Also precisely.
MGK: But I didn’t do anything like that.
FLAPJACKS: But I heard –
MGK: I did, however, spill beer in The Duchess, which is a pub down the street.
FLAPJACKS: Oh.
MGK: Yes.
FLAPJACKS: That’s kind of different.
MGK: I know.
FLAPJACKS: Are you sure you haven’t offended the honour of the Countess lately?
MGK: I can only wish.
FLAPJACKS: The Duchess, maybe? Not the pub. The human one.
MGK: She’s, like, seventy-five. What could I do to offend her honour?
FLAPJACKS: You could have dropped a hanky inappropriately.
MGK: How does that offend her honour?
FLAPJACKS: I’m not sure exactly, but I know it does. She complained a whole lot when I did it. Old people are weird.
MGK: Well, I haven’t done that lately either.
FLAPJACKS: The Baroness, maybe?
MGK: You’re thinking of G.I. Joe now.
FLAPJACKS: But it is not your fault that she is not in the sequel?
MGK: I don’t think so, no.
FLAPJACKS: Dang. I went and bought this rapier and everything.
MGK: It looks tremendously impressive.
FLAPJACKS: I cut myself on it.
MGK: I was wondering why you had a Voltron bandaid on that finger.
FLAPJACKS: They were all I had left.
MGK: But of course.
FLAPJACKS: Well, anyway, I guess we’re not going to be dueling now, since you haven’t offended the honour of a lady.
MGK: I offended the honour of Michele Bachmann a while back, I think.
FLAPJACKS: Politician. Doesn’t count.
MGK: Really. But it doesn’t matter. We still have to duel.
FLAPJACKS: She really doesn’t count. It has to be someone of noble blood, and just because she is a secret Swiss doesn’t make her a noble. It probably just means that she has Nazi gold somewhere.
MGK: No, I mean you called me a dog. That is an insult, sirrah. A-dueling we must go.
FLAPJACKS: But you’re a dog person. You have specifically said at many times that you prefer dogs to cats.
MGK: True. But had you called me a cat I would be even more offended and we would have to duel, like, twice or something.
FLAPJACKS: What if I had called you a “cool cat”? And how would we duel to the death twice?
MGK: I imagine the second duel would be rather perfunctory, to be honest. And “cool cat” is permissible. But you called me a dog! An insult to mine honour! Imagine that I have just slapped you across the face with a glove. I don’t have any gloves.
FLAPJACKS: You have that pair of mittens.
MGK: Yes, but who is gonna initiate a duel with mittens?
FLAPJACKS: Speaking of things you don’t have, you also don’t have a sword.
MGK: Well, I was going to suggest that we take turns with yours. Since I am initiating this duel, I will go first. Then you can have a go with it.
FLAPJACKS: This seems like a perfectly conceived proposal with no possible loopholes you can exploit.
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And not one word about the wok.
(Or should the wok be the other weapon?)
This is so much funnier after recently finishing The Three Musketeers. 😀
This is why Keith Carradine still pretends he’s not home when Harvey Keitel calls.
What if Flapjacks had called you his ‘dogg’? That seems like it would be acceptable.
Or “dawg”?
…but then what if he said it was a little pitchy?
Did it occur to you the Countess might have dropped the beer on herself?
This exchange just makes me really happy.