FLAPJACKS: Let’s make a survival horror video game!
MGK: I’ll bring the random assortment of dentist’s tools!
FLAPJACKS: I’ll bring the creepy doll’s heads!
MGK: Don’t forget to smash ninety percent of the light bulbs! But only ninety percent!
FLAPJACKS: Scary killers/monsters have to see too! It’s only polite!
MGK: Speaking of which, what type of scary killers or monsters do we want?
FLAPJACKS: Well, there are so many options. There are regular people who are grossly facially mutilated. There are body-dysmorphic horrors. And then there are body-dysmorphic horrors who are also grossly facially mutilated.
MGK: It is a smorgasbord of terror!
FLAPJACKS: The important thing is to make people go “ew” when they play our game!
MGK: Speaking of which, what type of protagonist should we have? I think we should have a protagonist whose family have died and who is still haunted by their deaths.
FLAPJACKS: Well I think we should have a protagonist whose family have disappeared and who is driven to find them, no matter how tragic an outcome may result!
MGK: Can we compromise and have a nameless non-entity who is defined only by his abilities which have been mapped onto the keyboard?
FLAPJACKS: My word, it’s like I’m surviving the game myself now! But we’re agreed it’s a dude, right?
MGK: Well of course.
FLAPJACKS: All those little convenient notes people leave behind will have so much more impact if I know my video-game self is a dude.
MGK: It’s only real survival horror if all the notes are in fact voice recordings. You know, as people do. Nobody writes things down any more! It’s the digital age! We talk into our talk-boxes! Voice diaries are a real important thing!
FLAPJACKS: Also with the voice diaries I think we need to give our hero supplies. That way he can fight the monsters. But only briefly, lest he be given some sense of agency! I think we should only give him single, individual bullets. People leave single, individual bullets around all the time! Think how scary it will be when he has only three bullets in his gun – and there are four monsters!
MGK: Bullets? Pffft, you’re not being ambitious enough. He should not have a gun. He should have a knife, which regularly gets dull when he stabs a monster with it, and he needs to find whetstones to sharpen the knife!
FLAPJACKS: He can carry up to four rocks at any time, and whenever he smashes a monster with a rock, it crumbles. He must constantly find additional rocks!
MGK: He doesn’t have a weapon at all, he just has a flashlight!
FLAPJACKS: And he needs to find batteries for the flashlight! Or else he won’t even be able to see!
MGK: What if we don’t give him anything at all?
FLAPJACKS: What if he needs to constantly find vitamins just to not die? Oh wait, I got it, our hero is diabetic and needs to take insulin every so often! He will have to search everywhere for insulin!
MGK: Which will be located in numerous desks, of course. It’s all coming together!
FLAPJACKS: But who will the big villain be? I think we should have it be a crazed scientist. He can make the awful murder monsters from people! All scientists know how to do that.
MGK: I would prefer a demon or maybe an evil ghost. That way the awful murder monsters don’t have to even conform to the slightest hint of scientific logic.
FLAPJACKS: I dunno. I think we want some degree of veracity to make players feel like this could really happen somehow. Otherwise we might as well be playing Mario Kart.
MGK: How about… it is the ghost of an evil scientist who was possessed by demons?
FLAPJACKS: Oooooh, that has some oomph to it.
MGK: Indeed! Who would not want to play this game?
FLAPJACKS: … actually I think I just want to play Mario Kart instead.
MGK: Yeah, me too. Let’s play that.
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Ok but now I want to be able to smash disfigured enemies with a rock really badly now so thanks for that.
There will be fog or some other weather condition that reduces viewing distance, right ? I mean…. I’m embarrassed to even ask because of course there will be. Forget I even asked.
Where’s the crafting system?
Now I really wanna play a game about a diabetic in scary post apocalyptic setting going around trying to find insulin.
And @NCallahan: the crafting system involves extracting insulin from pig pancreases. And you gotta upgrade your… needles?
And we’ve got a cutting-edge engine all ready to roll. The best fluorescent light modeling in the business! Specialized subroutines for rendering grimy hospital tiles! We can procedurally generate hundreds of miles of forgettable institutional corridors within seconds!
And the engine even does that thing where you happen upon an area where the asylum/hospital/laboratory is being renovated, and there are random tarps hung up here and there with harsh industrial lights shining behind them, and then the zombie or whatever wanders through and casts a spooky shadow on the tarp! This is all procedural, mind you–the computer creates it all on its own! It likes it knows what scares me!
It’s like it knows! Like it
knows! It knows! It knows! It knows It know
Devz y u nerf rocks?
#### TO BE READ IN THE VOICE OF ‘BADGER’ FROM “BREAKING BAD”
Whoa, whoa, whoa guys. How about… an alternate view mode?! It’s like, you’re walking all around the world and things are looking okay, then you put on your alien sunglasses or spider senses or your haunted camera and then… BAM! Holy cow, everything’s haunted as fuck, man! There’s blood on the wall, but you couldn’t see it before, ’cause it’s ghost blood, man. GHOST BLOOD! …yeah.
And that’s how you get your clues. Your *CLUUUES* that tell you like where the magic porno mags are hidden or ammunition or… Whoa, how about they’re the same thing. You’re fighting ghosts with your dong, man. Your magic dong. And and, you got it magic by like doing a unicorn. No wait, a unicorn girl. Like she’s still a hot girl, but she has a horn, because doing a horse would be wrong.
I would unironically play that.
I’ve been watching a Let’s Play of Alien: Isolation… and there is a “find batteries for your flashlight” mechanic.
I appreciate all the CRT monitors and other touches meant to make the game feel like the original 70’s film… but we had better flashlights and batteries than this IN THE 70’s.