As I’m sure you’re at least dimly aware if you read this blog, Marvel is…decidedly NOT rebooting the Marvel Universe! Because Marvel never does that! That’s the sort of thing DC does, heh heh heh. We’d never ever do a ‘Crisis’ style reboot, not when we can just mush all of the parallel universes together and then pull them apart into a new continuity! It’s totally not the same thing HEY LOOK A RARE THREE-BILLED WOODPECKER! **runs away**
(Or so I imagine Editor-in-Chief Axel Alonso saying.)
The point is, we’ve got a new Marvel Universe coming up, one which is totally going to make sense and be internally consistent and not be an attempt to bury any bad decisions they might have made under the rug, and I for one am looking forward to it! But as a fan, of course, I have a deeply-held sense of entitlement that must be catered to, and as such I have certain very particular expectations for the new Marvel Universe. I am setting down my demands now, with the implied threat that I will go on Internet message boards and declare for all to hear that the new comics “suck”. (This is not an idle threat, Marvel.) To wit:
1) Starlord needs to get his own pack of semi-tame velociraptors. Actually, come to think of it, while I’m not demanding that every Marvel character get their very own pack of semi-tame velociraptors, I wouldn’t say no to it.
2) New series: The Amazing Chipmunk Hunk. Additional new series: The Spectacular Chipmunk Hunk. Possible additional new series: Nuts of Chipmunk Hunk? (Maybe not that last one. We’ll discuss it.)
3) Bring back the Sentry. Then kill him off again, in an even more painful and ignominious fashion.
4) Bring back the Spider-Marriage. Then bring back Gwen Stacy and have her marry Peter too. Then have Betty Brant, Liz Allan, Felicia Hardy and Deb Whitman all marry him as well due to a series of wacky misunderstandings, turning the series into an anime-style harem comic.
5) Grumpy Old Wolverine should have a new series where he’s joined by an angel (not Warren Worthington, an actual angel) and they travel the American Heartland learning lessons about sharing and kindness.
6) A monthly comic that is entirely Kamala Khan’s illustrated fan-fiction about the Marvel Universe. Wouldn’t that be so awesomely meta that you’d freak?
7) Less Deadpool. Maybe knock it down to six, seven appearances a month, tops?
8) More alternate reality Gwen Stacies. In specific, I demand the Uncanny X-Gwen, the Gwenvengers, and Gwenpool. (She can be one of the six or seven.) Also, look into some sort of Spider-Gwen/Spider-Ham mashup? Just brainstorming here.
9) New series: ‘Shirtless Loki’. Not for me, but I know a few fans who’ve been asking for it.
Last but not least:
10) Look, would it kill ya to bring back US-1? I got a feeling that Citizens Band radio is coming back in a big way, here. Maybe include Razorback as a supporting character for added sizzle.
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Unleash the Old Lace Avengers!
New Pet Avengers, with Old Lace and Hit-Monkey and Howard the Duck!
I’d be good with 1, 4, and 6.
Real question, what happened to MGK?
6) A monthly comic that is entirely Kamala Khan’s illustrated fan-fiction about the Marvel Universe. Wouldn’t that be so awesomely meta that you’d freak?
Now THAT I would love to see.
Forget Chipmunk Hunk, I’d rather see more Koi Boi. Not only can he talk to fish, he can grow very slowly to fit the size of any container!
@lance lunchmeat: I’d suggest you send him a message on Twitter with that question. I wouldn’t presume to speak for him.
@Everyone else: It popped into my head as a joke, but it took me all of five seconds to realize I would buy the fuck out of a comic that was Kamala Khan’s Marvel Universe fanfic if it had the eight creative team.
Not the AGwengers? I’m gonna have to knock a point off for that. 9/10
@lance lunchmeat: Skrulls. Or their Canadian equivalent.
I, for one, will be boycotting the new Marvel until they come to their senses and bring back NFL SuperPro.
I think we need a full D-Vengers line where D-Man leads US-1, Razorback, NFL Superpro, etc in battle against Black Talon, Stiltman, the Walrus, the Gibbon, the Steel Slammer, and.. I dunno, Thanos.
Also Kamela Khan’s fan fiction should be a three panel strip that appears on the letters page of every single book. Also, we need more letters pages.
This reminds me, anyone have any Deadpool recommendations? Preferably something in trade paperback form? I find the character very hit-or-miss. Loved “Dead Presidents,” hated “Deadpool Killustrated,” not familiar with any of the team series he’s been a member of. Sorry to take a comedic post at face value, but it seemed as good a place as any to ask.
As for Kamala Khan’s fan fiction, there’s a lot of meta stuff already out there. In particular, She-Hulk, Deadpool again sort of, and it also reminds me of an event they did some time in the late 90s. In one fifth week event, they published comics by Marvels Comics, as if they were in-universe works. So Captain America, for example, could have been almost exactly like their actual comics except that his secret identity was hidden, while the X-Men’s comics showed them as a really creepy, monstrous team held on a short leash by the government, like Suicide Squad. (This was back when they were more secretive.) Anyone else know what I’m talking about? Here’s one guy talking about it, but I’m still looking for something more detailed.
Rocket Raccoon: Sorcerer Supreme
It just writes itself.
@Cyrus: Weird–that came up in conversation today with my roommate. I remember the FF one read like “Tiger Beat for Superheroes”, and there was a Hulk one that was an adaptation of Rick Jones’ memoirs, but it’s been ages. I should go look up the details.
I demand another three-part Daydreamers miniseries.
I am aware I am the only person demanding this, but I also demand that my demands be met!
The Marvels Comics version of Spider-Man was essentially a John Jameson Venom. It seemed to incorporate the backup story from Amazing Fantasy #15.
Any thoughts on the long rumored downplaying of the Fantastic Four/X-Men?
It looks like the FF are gonna be disbanded in at least the short term, but given how sales have floundered since Hickman’s departure maybe it’s a needed break.
As for the X-Men, as far as I’m concerned the less editorial cares about those books the more interesting they’re likely to be.
“turning [Spiderman] into an anime-style harem comic.”
Cazart! Don’t write that in public, you might give ’em the idea to actually do it!
“Grumpy Old Wolverine should have a new series where he’s joined by an angel”
Or maybe just an orangutan. Every Which Way But Logan!
“Less Deadpool.”
It’s funny how Deadpool comes from the same Weapon X program as Wolverine, and now *he’s* in every Marvel series too, just like Wolverine was for a while.
Wait, when did this stop being an Amazing Race recap blog and start talking about comics again?
11) Doctor Strange written by MGK.
These are all excellent suggestions. I particularly like killing off the Sentry in various ridiculous or humilating ways. Also, having Kamala’s fan fic.
And a shirtless Loki would be MUCH appreciated.
@DensityDuck: I would totally buy a comic where Logan became a trucker accompanied by the Red Ghost’s super-apes. That way you get an orangutan, PLUS a gorilla and a baboon! That’s added value, right there.
Actually, why not make the angel an orangutan? Then you can have a Pratchettesque scene where the angel explains why having orangutan form is superior to human form. And every other angel they encounter are various forms of great ape.
I like the idea of Kamala Khan’s fanfic as something that happens in letter pages. Or better yet: a webcomic! You can credit Kamala, “assisted” by whatever professional(s) you hire to actually do it.
I’ll tell you what I want: A definitive answer to what happened to those Skrulls that Reed Richards hypnotized into becoming cows all those years ago.
I’m being (mostly) serious. “Fantastic Four” issue 2 serves the same function in the early Marvel Universe that “Space Seed” did in the original “Star Trek”: It inadvertently leaves an intriguing villain in isolation for future writers to bring back. But whereas “Star Trek” had one definitive version of what happened to Khan, Marvel has no idea what the heck really happened to those three Skrull cows. Were they ground into hamburger? Milked? Crossbred with regular cows and THOSE were the ones ground up and/or milked? Met up with the descendants of the Skrull cows from 1776? Who knows?
I just know enough about ranching to know that if this story took place in the 2000s — you know, the story where Reed halts an alien invasion by showing them some Kirby and Ditko art — then there would be ways to TRACK that cattle, darn it. 🙂
Brian, you could go “invasion of the body snatchers”.
WHAT IF…those Skrulls that Reed Richards hypnotized weren’t actually hypnotized at all?
Maybe they were just playing along to get away. Maybe they’d studied human culture and recognized that most of the wealthy and powerful nations drink cow milk. Maybe they realized that, if they worked at it, if they played the long game, then eventually every cow on the planet would be a Skrull.
Producing a whitish, milky substance that was itself Skrull.
And every human in America, Russia, and Western Europe would be pouring Skrull over their breakfast cereal and stirring Skrull into their coffee and giving their children big glasses of Skrull every day.
@Brian and DensityDuck:
This was answered in the two mini series for Skrull Kill Krew.
tl;dr version: Ground into hamburger, had interesting affects on some of those that ate the skrull-beef.
Except I think that’s been undone, or retconned, or something (I’m mostly going by the Marvel Wikia page that flat-out says “it is difficult to say with any certainty which of the ‘original’ three Skrull Cows may or may not have been slaughtered or involved with the tainting of the milk supply.”)
Ahh, retcons.
At least it isn’t the DC universe. *sigh*
@JayDzed Not forgetting the John Byrne FF annual that was all about Skrull milk products.
An idea so good that everyone had it already 😛
So, about that monkey’s paw… What do you think of Gwenpool now that she’s out?