Dino de Laurentiis: Prophet…or Madman?

Last night, I took my son out to a revival of the…classic? Yes, let’s say classic, for a given value of the word…1980 ‘Flash Gordon’ movie. I was enjoying the heck out of it, as I do every time I watch it; the movie hits that exact sweet spot of camp and sincerity, where everyone knows what they’re doing is silly and they exaggerate all their performances but at the same time they’re treating the silliness of the material with respect. (My kid loved it too, although I was surprised to remember just how scary some of those scenes can be to a ten-year old.)

But as I was watching it, I started to notice that…well, look. There’s no way to be watching a film right now about a tyrannical, capricious madman who has grown decadent with a lifetime of power, treats women as playthings and concubines, and has an equally jaded and debauched daughter that he has a…complicated…relationship with, and not think of the current political climate. I found myself picturing Donald and Ivanka at the inauguration, watching the protesters, and Ivanka asking, “Why is water coming out of their eyes?” With Donald, of course, responding, “It’s what they call tears. It’s a sign of their weakness.”

Likewise, I’m pretty sure that Donald and Melania’s wedding vows actually included the line, “Do you, Donald the Merciless, Ruler of the Universe, take this woman Melania to be your Trumpess of the hour?” “Of the hour, yes.”

I’m not quite sure where everyone else fits into this prophetic scenario, though. Klytus seems to be pretty obviously Pence. It’s just possible he could be Bannon, but I don’t think Bannon’s that calculating. Kala is obviously Kellyanne Conway. Which would make Prince Barin…Jared Kushner? Definitely all the rulers of the kingdoms of Mongo are prominent Republicans who are being played against one another to keep them from uniting against Trump, but I’m not sure you can assign any particular role to any particular Prince. If nothing else, I just cannot fucking picture Paul Ryan shouting, “Representatives…DIIIIIIIIVE!” (But I can picture them responding to a request to team up against Trump with, “‘Team up’? What does that mean?”)

Of course, this is tremendously illuminating in terms of what it means for Trump’s plans for America. “…they won’t be the same human beings. They’ll be more docile. Tractable. […] Let’s just say they’ll be satisfied with less.” (I don’t know if the earthquakes and tidal waves will be literal, but given Trump’s stance on climate change I’m not yet willing to rule it out.)

On the other hand, it looks like there’s a distinct possibility that Mike Pence will be impaled on a bed of spikes sometime in the next four years, and Conway will literally melt. So we’ve got that to look forward to.

What does all this mean? I’m not sure. But if the quarterback for the New York Jets decides to run for President in four years, I’m voting for them even if it seems like political suicide. Because it’s not suicide, it’s a rational transaction.

(Also, if Trump does get re-elected, he probably shouldn’t do any appearances right in front of a big picture window. Just sayin’.)

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