FLAPJACKS: So did you see the new Liam Neeson movie?
ME: Oh, you mean Liam Neeson Versus Wolves? Yeah. It was okay, I guess.
FLAPJACKS: Only “okay,” though? I was hoping that it would be a classic. Is it better than Liam Neeson Versus Kidnappers?
ME: Oh, it’s much better than that. Which, needless to say, makes it also much, much better than Liam Neeson Versus Amnesia.
FLAPJACKS: But I’m guessing it’s not better than Liam Neeson Versus Batman.
ME: Oh, heavens no.
FLAPJACKS: And not better than Liam Neeson Versus Outdated Ideas About Sexuality.
ME: Well, I don’t know that that’s a fair comparison. One is a serious dramatic study of an important modern figure in science, and the other is about punching wolves to death. Seems very apples-and-oranges.
FLAPJACKS: But they’re both movies, right? So we should be able to compare them on that basis. I mean, all the time critics are willing to compare trash cinema to high drama in an unflattering manner because they’re both movies. Because they’re critics. So can’t we do the same thing?
ME: I just don’t think the basis for comparison is strong. You might as well try to compare Liam Neeson Versus Wolves to Liam Neeson Versus The Holocaust.
FLAPJACKS: I see your point. Can we compare Liam Neeson Versus Wolves to Liam Neeson Versus The Grief Caused By A Loved One’s Death (And Also Hugh Grant Is In It)?
ME: He’s not even the main character in that one, so I would say no. Let’s try to stick to movies where Liam Neeson is central to the movie. So Liam Neeson Versus The Bastard English is in –
FLAPJACKS: Aren’t there actually two of those?
ME: I think the second one is characterized more accurately as Liam Neeson Versus The Bastard English and His Fellow Shortsighted Irish. But my point is both of those work, whereas Liam Neeson Versus Hades isn’t quite right because for some reason Hollywood thought that Sam Worthington is cooler than Liam Neeson.
FLAPJACKS: That is just crazy talk. But wait, how about Liam Neeson Versus George Lucas’ Dialogue? He’s not exactly the main character in that. I mean, it’s Star Wars, part whatever.
ME: I think Qui-Gon Jinn is really the main character of that movie, despite dying before the end. So it works. Main character in a large ensemble still counts, so Liam Neeson Versus Post-Revolutionary France qualifies, but Liam Neeson Versus The Protestant Nativists doesn’t because his character dies in the first fifteen minutes.
FLAPJACKS: Which would also disqualify Liam Neeson Versus The Crusades, I suppose. How about Liam Neeson Versus Ghosts?
ME: Counts, but only barely.
FLAPJACKS: So, now that we have established the basis for comparison, how good is Liam Neeson Versus Wolves?
ME: Well, let me put it this way: he really punches the shit out of those wolves.
FLAPJACKS: Can’t ask for more than that.
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What? No love for Badly-Burned Liam Neeson Versus Corrupt Businessman?
When people think of toughness, they think of Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris thinks of toughness, he thinks of Liam Neeson.
Just sayin’.
And I realize it’s not so much a movie as much as a sketch, but Liam Neeson Versus Comedy should deserve a mention.
What about his role in the game Liam Neeson Versus the Post-Nuclear Wasteland?
Better than Taken? I’m just not sure that’s possible.
Where does Liam Neeson Versus Major Dad land?
Hey, my college roommate’s uncle was the set designer for Badly Burned Liam Neeson Versus Corrupt Businessman… which by the by is a great movie! And some very nice sets…
Now that, gentlemen, is one hell of a movie review!
Of course, there’s always Liam Neeson Versus The Socially Maladjusted Jodie Foster…
And there’s no way that talentless hack Sam Worthington is cooler then the Mighty Liam.
What about Lion Neeson Versus A Child’s Own First Book of Bible Stories?!
Given that I usually only watch the first fifteen minutes and the final fight scene in Liam Neeson versus the Protestant Nativists, I’d push for its admission in the overall Liam Versus canon. The rest of the movie’s just two hours of Leo biding his time and Daniel Day-Lewis stabbing pigs, if I recall correctly.
Liam Neeson versus Kidnappers is a great movie. I mean, he really goes after those kidnappers.
And, as we all know, kidnappers are more evil than wolves.
I’m very much looking forward to Liam Neeson growling “You sank my battleship!” to the aliens in Liam Neeson Versus No, Really, It’s Based On The Game.
In the updated evil overlord’s handbook there needs to be a Liam Neeson codicil.
‘If you find your opponent to be played by Liam Neeson, just do what he wants. No matter how well positioned you think you are, he will win and it will end badly for you. So just give him what he wants and hope he’ll go away’.
But how does it compare to Liam Neeson versus the Black Fortress? Surely it’s not better than Liam Neeson and the Knights of the Round Table?
Will Smith Versus Liam Neeson is not a movie, it’s a trademark infringment lawsuit.
I maintain that the first 15 minutes of Gangs was the movie, followed by an unusually drawn out, somewhat lackluster epilogue.
I love the Liam Neeson Versus series, even if it is riddled with stealth pilots.
And as spin-offs go, The Dark Knight was pretty good.
Hah, piffle to all that. I’m putting my money on Liam Neeson versus Count von Count
I hope this movie doesn’t give audiences the wrong idea about wolves. In real life, of course, wolves are worthy of our respect and conservation efforts. Despite an undeserved reputation as a vicious predator, wolves play an important role in a healthy ecosystem and have never been known to attack Liam Neeson in the wild.
… And again, Liam Neeson Vs. Melty Skin gets ignored.
Nobody ever remembers Darkman. 🙁
What about the voice of Liam Neeson versus a Japenese child and his seaside village?
“wolves play an important role in a healthy ecosystem and have never been known to attack Liam Neeson in the wild.”
Liam Neeson on the other hand has been known to just go into the woods and rip the heads of of a couple of bears because he was bored.
So where in this spectrum does Liam Neeson and a Bunch of People Who Went On To Film Obscurity Versus Sauron With the Serial Numbers Filed Off fall?
@Foxhack, what do you think Badly Burned Liam Neeson Versus Corrupt Businessmen is referring to? That’s Darkman, dude…
Yeah, Foxhack. we’re geeks. You think we won’t remember Darkman?
There’s also Liam Neeson Versus The Crippled Soviet Sub Reactor…
And the late eighties hat Liam Neeson Versus Dirty Harry.
Have we talked about Liam Neeson Vs. The Pointless ’80s Remake?
I don’t think anyone was a winner in that fight, especially the audience.
“wolves…have never been known to attack Liam Neeson in the wild.”
Wolves are not stupid.
Wow, I thought I was the only one who loved Liam Neeson Versus Outdated Ideas about Sexuality! Rarely do I get to feel that intelligent about contemplating smut light at such length.
Also, Neeson really gets those outdated ideas on the ropes and pummels the tar out of them even if they do strike back in the end.
“Nobody ever remembers Darkman.”
You mean excepting two comments referring to it already, including the very first one?
If Liam Neeson ever takes a break from his explosive roles there is another Irish acting talent waiting to flex his muscles. Aspiring actor Paul Curran is ready to take on the bad guys!
This wasn’t even remotely funny at all. The same thing can be said about ANY actor or ANY movie. Stupid. ie, Oceans 11, George Clooney vs casino boss etc etc etc. Stop trying to think you are clever/funny, it’s dumb.
Dumb. Not funny. Same thing can be said about any actor and any movie. Dumb. Not funny.
@Adi:
Liam Neeson is typically the most memorable person in any movie he’s in, and The Grey was basically nothing but Liam Neeson vs. Wolves, in a manner similar to Taken. Ergo.