The answers

Sadly, not to life, the universe, and everything, but rather to the movie quote quiz I posted last week.

1.) “I’ll join this conversation on the proviso that we stop bitching about people talking about wigs, dresses, bust sizes, penises, drugs, night clubs, and bloody Abba.”

Terence Stamp as Bernadette in The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

2.) “I ran out of gas. I had a flat tire. I didn’t have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! It wasn’t my fault, I swear to God!”

John Belushi as Jake Blues in The Blues Brothers.

3.) “The last tour I did was ten years ago. It was Aerosmith, but they’ve gone and cleaned up their act. It’s all wheatgrass juice and fuckin’ pumpkin seeds. I hope you guys are still crazy, or I’m outta here.”

Billy Connolly as Hughie in Still Crazy. (Come on, I even gave you the title for that one.)

4.) “It’s like a plumber. If you do it okay, nobody notices. If you fuck up, it gets full of shit.”

One of the ones absolutely nobody got: Dustin Hoffman as Stanley Motts in Wag the Dog.

5.) “I just arrived in this stupid suburb. I have no friends, no money, no car, no license. And even if I did have a license all I can do is drive out to some stupid mall. Maybe if I’m lucky play some fucking video games, smoke a joint and get stupid. You see, there’s nothing to do anymore. Everything decent’s been done. All the great themes have been used up. Turned into theme parks. So I don’t really find it exactly cheerful to be living in the middle of a totally, like, exhausted decade where there’s nothing to look forward to and no one to look up to.”

Christian Slater as Mark Hunter (as Hard Harry) in Pump Up The Volume.

6.) “Don’t look behind Door Number Two, Monty! It’s time to play ‘End of the Line, My Valentine!’ A-joo-ron-ron-ronnie, ron-ron-ronnie-mo!”

Eric Idle as Wreck-Gar in Transformers: The Movie. (If you did not guess this one, turn in your nerd badge.)

7.) “Ah. Well, I attended Juilliard. I’m a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that… I’ve seen The Exorcist about a hundred and sixty-seven times, and it keeps getting funnier every single time I see it! Not to mention the fact that you’re talking to a dead guy!”

Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice in Beetlejuice.

8.) “He’s whittling on a piece of wood. I got a feeling that when he stops whittling, something’s gonna happen.”

Another one nobody got: Jason Robards as Cheyenne in Once Upon A Time In The West.

9.) “Listen to me, Hercule, and you will learn something. Now then, the facts in this case are: the body of the chauffeur was found in the bedroom of the second maid. Fact! Cause of death: Four bullets in the chest. Fact! The bullets were fired at close range from a .25 caliber Beretta automatic. Fact! Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand. Fact! The murder weapon was registered in the name of the deceased, Miguel Ostos, and was kept, mind you, in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls-Royce. Fact! Now then, members of the household staff have testified that Miguel Ostos beat… you fool, Hercule. You have broken my pointing stick. I have nothing to point with now.”

Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau in A Shot In The Dark.

10.) “And suddenly lightning flashed, and a mighty thunder shook the wasted land, and the evil king glared at the good prince and said… something very forgettable.”

There was confusion over this one, so allow me to rectify it: Anthony Hopkins as Don Diego de la Vega in The Mask of Zorro, rather than Antonio Banderas.

11.) “I don’t want no Commies in my car. And no Christians either!”

Harry Dean Stanton as Bud in Repo Man.

12.) “Gentlemen, look at it this way. Considering the type of people you are and the environment you’re in, this may be the only chance you ever have, in your entire lives, to have sex.”

Val Kilmer as Chris Knight in Real Genius.

13.) “Well, what do you think farmers are? Saints? They are the most cunning, untrustworthy animals on earth. If you ask them for rice, they’ll say they have none. But they have. They have everything. Look in the rafters, dig in the ground. You’ll find it. Rice in jars. Salt. Beans. Sake. Look in the mountains, hidden farms everywhere. And yet they pretend to be oppressed!”

Toshiro Mifune as Kikuchiyo in The Seven Samurai.

14.) “You are a sad, strange little wagon. You have my pity. Farewell!”

Tim Allen as Car Buzz Lightyear in Cars. (A bit of a trick question there.)

15.) “Years ago my mother used to say to me, “in this world, Elwood, you must be” – she always called me Elwood – “in this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.” Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.”

Jimmy Stewart as Elwood P. Dowd in Harvey.

16.) “A gust of wind. A dog barks. Cue the truck. Exit Herman… walk out into the bank. Exit Felix… and stand there with a not-so-bright look on your face. All right, Doris, come on. Hey, fix your bra, honey… that’s better. ‘Felix.’ ‘How ya doing, Doris?’ ‘Can I have a roll of quarters?’… Ten, nine, eight, car, six, five, quarters, three, two…”

Bill Murray as Phil Connors in Groundhog Day.

17.) “Real diamonds! They must be worth their weight in gold!”

NOBODY GOT THIS AND YOU ARE BAD FOR THAT. Marilyn Monroe as Sugar in Some Like It Hot. It’s only the single most perfect movie comedy of all time, you know.

18.) “You know what you are? You’re God’s answer to Job, y’know? You would have ended all argument between them. I mean, He would have pointed to you and said, ‘y’know, I do a lot of terrible things, but I can still make one of these.’ You know? And then Job would have said, ‘Eh. Yeah, well. You win.’”

Another one nobody got: Woody Allen as Isaac Davis in Manhattan.

19.) “I never got to bat in the major leagues. I would have liked to have had that chance. Just once. To stare down a big league pitcher. To stare him down, and just as he goes into his windup, wink. Make him think you know something he doesn’t. That’s what I wish for. Chance to squint at a sky so blue that it hurts your eyes just to look at it. To feel the tingling in your arm as you connect with the ball. To run the bases – stretch a double into a triple, and flop face-first into third, wrap your arms around the bag.”

Burt Lancaster as Archibald “Moonlight” Graham in Field of Dreams.

20.) “Shut up and deal.”

Shirley MacLaine as Fran Kubelik in The Apartment.

21.) “All right, sweethearts, what are you waiting for? Breakfast in bed? Another glorious day in the Corps! A day in the Corps is like a day on the farm. Every meal’s a banquet! Every paycheck a fortune! Every formation a parade! I love the Corps!”

Al Matthews as Sgt. Apone in Aliens.

22.) “I knew a whore once in Wilmington. She had a glass eye. Used to take it out and wink people off for a dollar.”

Jack Nicholson as Billy Buddusky in The Last Detail.

23.) “The Einstein of enterprise. The Edison of industry. The ‘billion dollar cranium.’ Idea man. And not one of you mugs has given me a story on him! Bunch of lame-brained… Facts, figures, charts! They never sold a newspaper! I read this morning’s edition of the Argus and let me tell you something: I’d wrap a fish in it! I’d use it as kindling! Hell, I’d even train my poodle on it if he wasn’t a French poodle and more partial to the pages of Paris Soir, but I sure wouldn’t shell out a hard-earned nickel to read the dadblamed thing!”

John Mahoney as The Chief in The Hudsucker Proxy.

24.) “Your reality, sir, is lies and balderdash and I’m delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever.”

John Neville as Hieronymus Karl Frederick Baron von Munchausen in The Adventures of Baron Munchausen.

25.) “Now, a few words on looking for things. When you go looking for something specific, your chances of finding it are very bad. Because of all the things in the world, you’re only looking for one of them. When you go looking for anything at all, your chances of finding it are very good. Because of all the things in the world, you’re sure to find some of them.”

Bill Pullman as Darryl Zero in The Zero Effect.

26.) “My boy, that was a TV show. I used a stunt double. I always use a stunt double. Except in love scenes. I insist on doing those myself.”

William Shatner as William Shatner in Free Enterprise.

27.) “I can get you what you want. You just have to talk to me. I’m your priest, your shrink, your main connection to the switchboard of souls. I’m the magic man, the Santa Claus of the subconscious. You say it, you even think it, you can have it. You want a girl, you want two girls? I don’t know what your thing is or what you’re curious about… you want a guy? Maybe you want to be a girl… see what that feels like? Imagine that. Be a girl.”

Ralph Fiennes as Lenny Nero in Strange Days.

28.) “I have just shot someone. I did it on purpose! I said, I have just killed a man, and I wish to confess!”

Charles Dance as Benedict in Last Action Hero.

29.) “I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down… I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists!”

Harvey Korman as Hedy… Hedley LaMarr in Blazing Saddles.

30.) “Please don’t say we’re not going to take the car home. Please don’t say we’re not going to take the car home. Please don’t say we’re not going to take the car home.”

Alan Ruck as Cameron Frye in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

31.) “You can’t live with ‘em, you can’t live without ‘em. / There’s something irresistible-ish about ‘em. / We grin and bear it ’cause the nights are long. / I hope that something better comes along.”

Jim Henson as Rowlf the Dog in The Muppet Movie.

32.) “You wanna be a Chinese, you gotta eat the nasty stuff.”

Chow Yun-Fat as Nick Chen in The Corruptor.

33.) “Tomorrow it will be twenty-eight years to the day that I’ve been in the service. Twenty-eight years, in peace and war. I don’t suppose I’ve been at home more than ten months in all that time. Still, it’s been a good life. I loved India. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. But there are times when suddenly you realize you’re nearer the end than the beginning.”

Alec Guiness as Col. Nicholson in The Bridge Over The River Kwai.

THE TRICK QUESTION: “You don’t understand, I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody. Instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it.”

This is a trick question because there are two possible answers: Marlon Brando in On The Waterfront or Robert De Niro quoting Brando in Raging Bull.

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