From The Vaults: A Man of Action (Figures)

Originally written May 5th, 2006.

NOTE: This really happened.

SCENE: Silver Snail Comics, where it is Free Comic Book Day. Enter CHRIS, bearing a cheapo Stikfas blister pack and a bunch of free comics. THE ASSISTANT SALESPERSON waits patiently.

ASSISTANT: And that will be seven dollars.
CHRIS: (hands it over generously)
ASSISTANT: Would you like a free action figure? In addition to it being Free Comic Book Day, here at Silver Snail it is also Free Action Figure Day!

The ASSISTANT gestures at a pile of dusty cut-rate “Stargate SG-1” figures, all of them Richard Dean Anderson.

CHRIS: …nah, I’m good.
ASSISTANT: They’re free.
CHRIS: And yet, no.
ASSISTANT: Are you sure? Free! It’s MacGyver!
OTHER ASSISTANT: Actually he’s Captain Jack O’ Neill.
ASSISTANT: Right. And he’s free!

The ASSISTANT brandishes a figure good-naturedly.

CHRIS: No, I think I’m good.
ASSISTANT: Wow. I’m impressed.
CHRIS: Thank you.
ASSISTANT: You saw the temptation of free MacGyver –
OTHER ASSISTANT: Captain Jack O’Neill.
ASSISTANT: – free Captain whosisface and you were not swayed. You, sir, are an oak.
CHRIS: Much appreciated.
ASSISTANT: But I would point out that he is free.
CHRIS: I did indeed understand that point.
ASSISTANT: So would you like one?
CHRIS: No.

Pause.

ASSISTANT: I wonder if I am adequately explaining the freeness of him.
CHRIS: I really think I’ve got it.
ASSISTANT: He could go home with you right now.
CHRIS: Uh huh.
ASSISTANT: I could just, you know, pop him in your bag.
CHRIS: Or you could not.
ASSISTANT: He’s poppable.
CHRIS: Palpable, even.
ASSISTANT: Oh, touche!
CHRIS: Thanks.
ASSISTANT: So you’ll take one!
CHRIS: I didn’t say that.
ASSISTANT: Oh, come on.
CHRIS: What guarantee do I have that it won’t come to life and try to murder me in my sleep?
ASSISTANT: What?
CHRIS: I would like some sort of guarantee that this is not a killer doll. Like Chucky.
ASSISTANT: It’s not Chucky.
CHRIS: No, it doesn’t look like Chucky. But it could, you know, sympathize. With the killing.
ASSISTANT: But MacGyver is a good guy!
OTHER ASSISTANT: It’s Captain –
ASSISTANT: Nobody cares.
CHRIS: So was MacBeth. Then he murdered the King of Scotland.
ASSISTANT: Good point.
CHRIS: I thought so.
ASSISTANT: But this figure wasn’t made in Scotland! HA!
CHRIS: Where was it made?

The ASSISTANT checks. By this point, there is sort of a crowd gathering because it’s not every day you see two grown men arguing over NOT taking action figures.

ASSISTANT: China.
CHRIS: So it’s a Communist.
ASSISTANT: We can’t be sure of that.
CHRIS: But do I want to take a chance like that?
ASSISTANT: What chance?
CHRIS: Maybe it’s a killer revolutionary doll.
ASSISTANT: I think you’d be safe from him, then.
CHRIS: Excuse me?
ASSISTANT: You’re buying one Stikfas blister. If you were a member of the bourgeoisie, you would have bought more.
CHRIS: …okay, I concede that.
ASSISTANT: Aha! So you’ll take it!
CHRIS: But Chinese Communism was known for also being exceptionally concerned with cultural purity in the course of the revolution.
ASSISTANT: Meaning?
CHRIS: Meaning I don’t own any SG-1 stuff. I have never watched an episode of SG-1. Ever.
ASSISTANT: So?
CHRIS: So I might not be a member of the bourgeoisie, but I’m not culturally homogenous with the doll. He will look at my DVD collection in the night, deem me unworthy of a place in the glorious people’s collective, and slit my throat.
ASSISTANT: With what?
CHRIS: I dunno. Something sharp.
ASSISTANT: Where would he get something sharp?
CHRIS: It’s MacGyver, he’ll find a way to create a sharp edge.
OTHER ASSISTANT: It’s Captain Jack O’Neill.
ASSISTANT: See, for once she has a point. This isn’t MacGyver, so what would you have to worry about?
CHRIS: You still haven’t adequately addressed as to how I can be sure this isn’t a killer doll. Killer dolls find ways. They bide their time.
ASSISTANT: Well, this is a factory irregular doll.
CHRIS: Oh, great. So it’s not just a killer doll, it’s a bitter and rejected killer doll.
ASSISTANT: It’s not a killer doll!
CHRIS: Prove it!
ASSISTANT: It was made in China…
CHRIS: Yes…
ASSISTANT: (thinks) … and if it were dangerous it wouldn’t have made it through customs without a warning, which we didn’t receive!

A round of applause from the gathered onlookers at this brilliant gambit.

CHRIS: Okay, I think I have to concede that this doll is not, in fact, homicidal.
ASSISTANT: Great! So you’ll take one?
CHRIS: Well…
ASSISTANT: Go ahead.
CHRIS: Does it explode? I don’t want an exploding doll.
ASSISTANT: Technically it’s an action figure.
CHRIS: I don’t want an exploding action figure either.
ASSISTANT: Well, these don’t explode.
CHRIS: Sure?
ASSISTANT: Extremely.
CHRIS: How about implosions?

Pause.

ASSISTANT: You’re worried about the possibility of there being an unstable quantum singularity inside a Stargate action figure?
CHRIS: You never know.
ASSISTANT: Well, let me check for a second.

The ASSISTANT taps the figure.

CHRIS: Wow, scientific.
ASSISTANT: Nope. No black holes inside this figure. It’s Macgyverriffic!
OTHER ASSISTANT: Captain Jackoriffic.
ASSISTANT: Whatever.
CHRIS: So they don’t explode OR implode.
ASSISTANT: No.
CHRIS: That’s some security for me, then.
ASSISTANT: I’d say so!
CHRIS: Right.
ASSISTANT: So you’ll take one?
CHRIS: Can I have two?
ASSISTANT: Wait, you’ve been careful so far and now you want two?
CHRIS: I didn’t say I wanted two. I just want to know if I can have two.
ASSISTANT: No.
CHRIS: Why not? They’re free.
ASSISTANT: Yes, but –
CHRIS: So they have no intrinsic value as such, right?
ASSISTANT: Well –
CHRIS: And it’s not like you’re short of these things.
ASSISTANT: But if it’s Free Action Figure Day, once we’re out of these we have to start giving other things away. Ones that cost money.
CHRIS: So if I come back later can I have some free Stikfas?
ASSISTANT: No.
CHRIS: Why not?
ASSISTANT: We wouldn’t give it away for free. I think I have some Pokemon thingies in back. We’ll give those away next.
CHRIS: Ah.
ASSISTANT: But, regardless. Would you like a completely free Richard Dean Anderson as the guy from Stargate action figure?
CHRIS: No. I don’t really want to have one.

Pause.

ASSISTANT: Well, why didn’t you just say so?

Applause from onlookers. Exeunt.

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