Originally written September 10th, 2005.
There is this website called ConservativeMatch. The idea behind this website is fairly obvious: it is a dating site where conservatives can find other conservatives, spawned probably by the same company that made ActForLove for liberals, and at least the right-wing site has a less pretentious name, so let’s give them props for that.
Like ActForLove, ConservativeMatch (slogan: “sweethearts, not bleeding hearts” – no, really) doesn’t let you look at profiles unless you are a member. So I created a fake account with the fake Gmail account I use for porn sites investigative journalism such as this and took a gander. Because, hey, my love life is not the hottest tamale in the basket these days, so maybe I should consider these right-wing babes! Although, in fairness, I ignored everybody who said sex before marriage was a sin, because there’s only so much right-winginess I can take in such regards.
“Vicki-15296” (all the names are like that – surfing this site makes me feel like I am in The Island, and that Jordan-Two-Delta is right around the corner) says that “If you are pro-abortion or pro-homosexuality, move on to the next profile unless you want an earful from this very opinionated woman.” So I will do that, because I am all about the abortions and the homosexuality, you know. (Besides, she says that “My personality can be summed up by stating that I love Mozart’s Mass in C minor and I also love “Panama” by Van Halen.” If she’d said “Jump,” I could’ve taken her seriously, but “Panama?” Dude.)
“Heather-29691” says that “I am very Republican and would consider the week I spent at the Republican Convention in NYC in 2004 to be one of the most fantastic experiences of my life. Where else could Bono be shouted down and Brooks and Dunn cheered for?” Which is funny because I don’t actually remember Bono being at the Republican National Convention, and Brooks and Dunn would get cheered at any country music concert where the lead attraction sucked and people didn’t want to think they’d given Ticketmaster their hard-earned money for nothing. (Alan Jackson, maybe you’d have a case, lady.) Also, Bono can be shouted down lots of places. Just last week I ran into Bono in the supermarket and he was all “the Third World is starvin’, boyo” and I was like “I JUST WANT TO BUY SNAPPLE, DAMMIT.” He cried like a girl.
Then there are ten ads in a row that are cookie-cutter stamped, literally only varying the text in the ads by location, age, and “how conservative I am.” I vaguely suspect that these ladies do not actually exist, and are there only to give the illusion of a much larger female conservative online dating population then actually there happens to be. But I shouldn’t think that because that is cynical and mean and I am doing this in the spirit of optimism.
“Karina-33738” has plans! Her multiple-point-plan for healing all that is wrong in America is listed off in full in her profile! She is a detailed policy thinker, and you know I go for that, so let’s see… “5.) No foreign “students” over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don’t attend classes, they get a “D” and it’s back home baby.” That’s brilliant! Man, I always wanted to find a chick who knew, just like I did, that all foreigners are inherently evil! ” 7.) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don’t like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)” Because China and India don’t buy oil! GENIUS! But wait, she believes that all men are not created equal regardless of race, gender or nationality – but I bet she’s just being spunky about her ex-husband who knocked her up and left her to be a single mom! Because HE sure isn’t created equal! Two snaps in a circle for Karina-numbernumbernumbernumbernumber! She gets bookmarked.
“Kim-26626” states that “Antonin Scalia is MY IDOL!” Especially when he sang “Cryin'” by Tammy Wynette on Country Week, and Simon Cowell had to say “you know, Antonin, I had my doubts about you, but you’ve really stepped it up now.” Then Paula Abdul said something stupid, and Randy Jackson said Antonin was his dawg. But then she says “I like Bush 43, but he’s a bit too moderate…nevertheless, he was the better choice. So what do you think about a Guiliani – Rice ticket in 2008? You can never go wrong with an Italian!” Man, if she thinks Bush is too moderate, what’s she going to do when Rudy “pro-choice and dresses in drag” Guiliani shows up? I don’t think I could handle that drama. But on the other hand she says she really likes sex, which is good, because I’m getting the impression that a lot of these ladies want a wedding ring first. Mostly because they keep telling me that in their profiles.
“Phyllis-33105” looks like the Church Lady. She also says her favorite movie is “The Passion” (presumably “Of The Christ”) and that her favorite song is “Jesus! Get Your Praise On! God Bless America!” I Googled that and found this site, and I kinda wonder what “Holy Ghost Hop” on the Kids’ Favorites album sounds like, but then I realized that the man was making DEVIL FINGERS on his kids’ album cover and therefore, technically, is a false prophet. And did I mention she looks like the Church Lady? Because she really looks like the Church Lady.
…and that was basically it. There were only 156 ads for women between the ages of 27 and 35 on the site. In comparison, I tried multiple times to come up with a filter while searching for men that got me less than 500 hits (their maximum). I tried limiting it to a single birth year with different blends of conservatism, location, you name it – but still, always tons and tons of guys. So I think I’m not gonna go after conservative chicks. Because, man: talk about competition.
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14 users responded in this post
It never amazes me how much this whole Guiliani “Pro-choice/pro-gay rights” thing makes people think that conservatives wont vote for him and that it will keep him from being a complete asshole once he does get elected.
All conservatives are parasites that are driven by personal insecurity that build themselves up as some kind of default. Political conservatives are just professional parasites.
Guiliani did all this crap to get himself in good with the liberal regions of New York. Once he is president, you’ll see him change colors faster than a chameleon. If you want to see a true test of character, look at how he reacted to 9/11 and how he sees himself after the fact. That clown couldn’t lead a polar bear to ice in the middle of the Arctic.
“All conservatives are parasites that are driven by personal insecurity that build themselves up as some kind of default. Political conservatives are just professional parasites.”
Hey hey now, let’s be fair, most liberals are idiots too. I admit I’m libertarianish, not conservative, but still, you can’t tell me conservatives are idiots and liberals aren’t.
I mean, lets just be completely honest and admit it: Politicians are idiots. Can we play safely now?
And… half of my comment was cut off.
And I’m lazy.
Summary: Giuliani’s a dictator blahblah oops this is making fun of a dating site zak it isn’t meant to be serious political commentary blahblah blame the pinkoes blahblah Mao Zedong.
What zc said.
Also: Holy Ghost Hop? GENIUS.
zc: Oh, please. Libertarianism is about as socially naive as Communism is economically naive. Nothing but economic feudalists who think once the taxes disappear that they’ll get everything they’ll ever want and social anarchists who just flat don’t care. There’s a difference between knowing corruption will happen and not doing anything to stop it.
Smaller government means less power in government? What bullshit. If this was true then why do terms like dictatorship and monarchy come hand-in-hand throughout history? The reality is more government and more bureaucracies mean less power in the hands of any one government branch or agency at any given time.
I wont say all liberals aren’t idiots. The Green party and PeTA definitely does its share in the lack of forethought department. But the conservatives – whether, economically, socially, spiritually or politically – are wholly parasitic in their actions. Allow me to
1. Everything the human race does is derived from competition. When we play, when we sleep, when we wake, when we relax, when we eat, when we choose our mates, when we raise our children, when our species evolves, when we breathe, … everything. Theists go to church and believe in afterlives to compete against the inevitability of death. When we relax, we pit one experience against another to create a more enjoyable atmosphere. Especially when we debate ideas. When we eat, we compete against the life that we ingest for out own nutritional needs – the competition doesn’t dissolve merely because modern convenience has made it a completely one-sided struggle.
2. When people compare the value of two similar items, there are only three possibilities: A is greater than B, A is equal to B, or A is less than B.
3. Look at the issues that mainstream conservatives latch onto: Anti-gay marriage. Anti-gun laws. Pro-military. Pro-corporation. Anti-corporate legislation. Anti-taxes. Anti-welfare. Anti-separation between church and state. Anti-free speech. Anti-social security. Anti-civil liberties for women and black people (1900 – 1950’s). Anti-abortion.
Anything that levels the playing field on a social, economic, physical, political, or spiritual manner, the conservatives, in one form or another will rally against it. What are their arguments against it? Only the most superficial responses, of course: my skin is whiter, I’m straight behind closed doors, my invisible sky genie says thats wrong, I have a penis and you don’t, I’m richer than you or I have more stuff than you do, because I’m not like them and they say its good. On and on and on. The pattern is unmistakable. The question remains why?
Since legislation that strives for equality would only serve to “equate A to B” and conservatives don’t want that, they must either want to be greater to their opposition or less than their opposition. Since conservatives never admit to saying they are less than other people, holding other philosophies (to do so makes them feel unamerican), then they must, by elimination, think they are superior to other people by default.
Conservatives are so consumed with being thought of and seen as superior that they strive against any legislation that merely equates them to anyone else. Oh the focus and the methods may differ from conservative to conservative, but they all follow the same pattern in one way or the other. I don’t know what that says to you, but it sounds like classic Superiority Complex to me.
I can’t believe I read all that.
Wow, seriously, Zenrage, did you know that this was intended as a humourous post with some light political commentary as opposed to a serious political post with a few humourous asides.
If you really want, I’ll even attempt to explain the punchline, which was very well delivered and
perfectly juxtaposed with the rest of the post.
And so help me, if you come back with more of your political commentary, I will have no choice but to have my next comment consist of “ROFLMAO,” followed by an explanation of the joke.
…Except for this, which is to say I forgot the question mark on my question, which is just stupid.
C’est la vie.
*sigh*
Jonathan, you missed the “ZC” in the beginning of my post explaining why conservatives are parasites, which means I was referencing zc’s post. Not MGK’s original post. Granted most of it was cut and paste (I always save my better arguments in txt files), which is why I forgot to add the word ‘elaborate’ on the end of the third paragraph.
This entry is all sorts of win.
On any kind of fetish site like that the men always outnumber the women a million to one.
Speaking as a conservative woman…We don’t go to those sites because we don’t need to. Which is possibly why the liberal-centric site got founded first.
Zenrage, study some political theory. Actual history would be good too. At least half of your objections are leftist distortions of conservative beliefs, or complaints about evangelical beliefs, which are not usually conservative beliefs.
Libertarianism is, in fact, the theory the US Constitution was based on (you doubt? ‘Rights of the People’ is a libertarian concept. See also John Locke). When you say libertarianism, do you mean Objectivism? Because actual libertarians agree with you, and it sounds like that’s what you’re describing.
Libertarians don’t want to limit governmental size per se, although that is a secondary goal and a nice side effect. We want to limit governmental power, whether by restricting manpower, areas of authority (see: US Constitution), or the cultural acceptability of governmental actions (see: John Locke). Libertarianism is actually the basis for a lot of US institutions and culture, although it’s been overthrown for a very half-hearted form of socialism for the past few decades.
I’m not necessarily proud of this, but I have done the Holy Ghost Hop.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szpURTij62I
This YouTube clip might be helpful.
There’s a real nice self-selection happening with regards to the schism in the Republican party right now, where the idiots are happily identifying themselves. I think it’s evident that they aren’t “most”, but the are louder.
this article has made me curious about the site.