Originally written July 9th, 2007.
SCENE. A STUDIO BIGWIG and THREE JUNIOR EXECUTIVES are sitting at a table.
BIGWIG: Gentlemen! I’m glad you could all arrive for today’s meeting.
FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Glad to!
SECOND JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Always!
THIRD JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: If we didn’t, you’d fire us.
BIGWIG: Yes. Now, after our recent bit of brilliance with Fat Albert, I have called you here today to discuss other properties we might turn into films. For example, I have procured the rights to Sigmund and the Sea Monsters, and I understand Bob Oedekerk is interested in directing it.
SECOND: I love his thumb movies! He should do it all in thumbs!
BIGWIG: Indeed. However, that’s a secondary priority. Right now, our main concern is making a movie of Alvin and the Chipmunks.
THIRD: They already did that.
THIRD: They already made one. The Chipmunk Adventure. In 1987, with much higher animation quality than was in the series. It even had the Chipettes.
FIRST: I think I saw one of the Chipettes in Playboy once.
THIRD: You’re an idiot.
BIGWIG: Now, now. I think you misunderstand. I am not talking about a cartoon version of the movie.
The BIGWIG pulls out a large POSTER MOCKUP.
THIRD (under his breath): Oh dear God.
FIRST: Yes! Box office gold!
SECOND: Do I smell Oscar? I think I do!
FIRST: And I love the animated human looking at them!
BIGWIG: No, he’s real.
SECOND: My god! You got Tom Hanks!
THIRD: It’s not Tom Hanks.
FIRST: He looks like Tom Hanks.
SECOND: A very Hanksish quality, indeed.
THIRD: It’s frigging Jason Lee.
BIGWIG: Indeed it is. We got him for a song. Luckily this was before that redneck karma show came along and brought his career back from the dead.
FIRST: May I just say that I love that you’ve updated the image of the Chipmunks? Before they were just these chipmunks. Now, they are cool.
SECOND: Dare I hope that these new and improved Chipmunks will do a rap?
THIRD: Oh, I think it’s guaranteed they’ll do a rap.
BIGWIG: Precisely. They will be rapping chipmunks. We’re considering changing the title to Alvin and the Rapmunks.
FIRST: I love it!
BIGWIG: However, they will also need to be street, and have attitude. I did some research, and previously Alvin was the cool rascal, Simon was the brainy nerd, and Theodore was the fat loser. Now, Alvin is fine, but Simon and Theodore need to be revamped to appeal to today’s modern youth.
FIRST: Idea! Simon is a weapons expert! He knows everything about every type of weapon, and can kill a man at ten paces with a thrown spork!
SECOND: Not bad, but how about this? Simon is a computers expert! He knows all about the World Wide Web, and hacking, and reeking!
THIRD: I think you mean “phreaking.”
BIGWIG: These suggestions are excellent, gentlemen. Simply excellent. Kids love smart people when they blow things up with their smartness. But how do we deal with Theodore? The agreement stipulates that Theodore still has to be the fat one.
FIRST: He’s a master chef! And an explosives expert!
THIRD: Why would a master chef be – no, never mind.
SECOND: Actually, Chief, I think my compadre here is going the wrong way with this. See, Alvin, I’m figuring, is the one who gets by on daring and charm and charisma, right?
BIGWIG: Exactly. Reckless devil-may-care.
SECOND: And since Simon is going to be the genius member of the team, that means we need some comic relief, am I right?
FIRST: Yes! Theodore can be the chipmunk who farts!
FIRST: Farts are funny. He can fart a lot! Kids like farts!
BIGWIG: Go on.
SECOND: He’ll definitely fart, but he can’t just fart. Where Simon is a soft-spoken killer with vengeance in his eyes, and Alvin is suave and amazing and has women panting at his feet, Theodore can be the lovable fuckup. When Simon pulls out two silenced Glocks and kills a pair of evil ninja MCs with a single headshot apiece, Theodore tries to imitate him, but instead kills a nun and a grade school teacher by accident.
FIRST: And he can eat a lot of food! Because he’s fat!
SECOND: And he has a funny catchphrase. Something, I dunno… “Chip and Dale this, motherfucker.”
THIRD: You realize this movie is intended for children, right?
SECOND: See, this is why you’re here! You keep me grounded. “Chip and Dale this, sponge-butt.”
FIRST: Kids love it when you say “butt!” And “poop!”
BIGWIG: That they do, that they do. But you know what? This is all brilliant stuff here, really it is. But it needs that X-factor. That thing to shove it over the top.
THIRD: You already know what that is, I take it.
BIGWIG: It’s why I’m in this chair and you’re sitting on that couch. Someone get in touch with Anthony Anderson for me. We need the talents of a loud, shouty black man for Theodore.
SECOND: We’ll make millions!
THIRD: But aren’t the Chipmunks supposed to be squeaky?
BIGWIG: We can make him squeaky afterwards, with computers.
FIRST: I love computers…