With the revelations about yesterday’s new iPods – they’re smaller, with bigger capacity, and fancier than previous models! I know! Who would have thunk! – I find it important to note that Steve Jobs actually has these press conferences planned out years in advance.
2008: Apple announces the brand new iPod Blank, which has no controls whatsoever and simply plays whatever it feels like playing. When fans ask how this differs from the iPod Shuffle, they are beaten into submission. Also announced: iPhone Extra, which has tons of extra features like “costs more.”
2009: Apple announces the brand new iWire, which is like the iPhone and Touch iPod – combined! With a keyboard attachment! And it comes in five colours! Also announced: iPhone Extra Plus, with access to tons of new features like a bigger hard drive, a refurbished clickwheel (that does nothing) and “friending networks” which just rip off Facebook – but in the Tahoma font.
2010: Apple announces iPod Neo, which comes in a black leather case and knows kung fu. For old-school users, Apple introduces the iPhone Doubleplusgood, which is in fact the same old goddamned iPhone but in six new colours and with a touchscreen that breaks down after a year rather than six months.
2011: Apple announces iPod C, which comes with its own attached juicer.
2012: Apple announces the iWay, a comprehensive iPod add-on which attaches to your car and drives it for you so you can more fully concentrate on the greatest hits of Collective Soul.
2013: Apple introduces its new line of iPods. The Shuffle is now the size of a microdot and holds 20 gigs of music. The Nano is a superintelligent cyborg entity which has a live connection to Pitchfork Media so it can judge your music collection and deem your worthiness. The Classic is now made of solid titanium. Steve Jobs beats a man to death with a Classic onstage to demonstrate how rugged the construction is. Best of all, the price on all units is once again lowered. An iPod Shuffle now costs less than the cost of a Happy Meal.
2014: Apple announces the iTime, which is just a clock. Really. There is no little compartment for you to store your weed in, maaaaaaaan.
2015: Apple announces the new iPhone, which now comes in the form of an implant directly at the base of your neck. You hear the iPhone ring in your inner ear canal, and can operate it through thought alone.
2016: Apple announces the iAccess, which finally lets us do all that cool shit we saw in Johnny Mnemonic.
2017: Apple unveils the newest line of iPods, which now in addition to playing music are fully formed AIs capable of handling all the domestic duties in any major household. Additional iNdustrialpods, not geared for consumer use, now handle all menial labour on Earth. Luckily, the new iPods are all governed by the Four Laws of Robotics (the standard three laws, plus the Fourth Law, which is “Install iTunes wherever you see a computer that does not run it”).
2018: Apple announces the iSat, allowing us to upload our consciousnesses directly into orbiting satellite ships which can then rocket out into the vastness of the universe, transforming the nature of humanity as we know it. The iSat comes in both traditional basic white and a fancy puce scheme, which is based on the new U2 album.