Originally written September 10th, 2005.
There is this website called ConservativeMatch. The idea behind this website is fairly obvious: it is a dating site where conservatives can find other conservatives, spawned probably by the same company that made ActForLove for liberals, and at least the right-wing site has a less pretentious name, so let’s give them props for that.
Like ActForLove, ConservativeMatch (slogan: “sweethearts, not bleeding hearts” – no, really) doesn’t let you look at profiles unless you are a member. So I created a fake account with the fake Gmail account I use for
porn sites investigative journalism such as this and took a gander. Because, hey, my love life is not the hottest tamale in the basket these days, so maybe I should consider these right-wing babes! Although, in fairness, I ignored everybody who said sex before marriage was a sin, because there’s only so much right-winginess I can take in such regards.
“Vicki-15296” (all the names are like that – surfing this site makes me feel like I am in The Island, and that Jordan-Two-Delta is right around the corner) says that “If you are pro-abortion or pro-homosexuality, move on to the next profile unless you want an earful from this very opinionated woman.” So I will do that, because I am all about the abortions and the homosexuality, you know. (Besides, she says that “My personality can be summed up by stating that I love Mozart’s Mass in C minor and I also love “Panama” by Van Halen.” If she’d said “Jump,” I could’ve taken her seriously, but “Panama?” Dude.)
“Heather-29691” says that “I am very Republican and would consider the week I spent at the Republican Convention in NYC in 2004 to be one of the most fantastic experiences of my life. Where else could Bono be shouted down and Brooks and Dunn cheered for?” Which is funny because I don’t actually remember Bono being at the Republican National Convention, and Brooks and Dunn would get cheered at any country music concert where the lead attraction sucked and people didn’t want to think they’d given Ticketmaster their hard-earned money for nothing. (Alan Jackson, maybe you’d have a case, lady.) Also, Bono can be shouted down lots of places. Just last week I ran into Bono in the supermarket and he was all “the Third World is starvin’, boyo” and I was like “I JUST WANT TO BUY SNAPPLE, DAMMIT.” He cried like a girl.
Then there are ten ads in a row that are cookie-cutter stamped, literally only varying the text in the ads by location, age, and “how conservative I am.” I vaguely suspect that these ladies do not actually exist, and are there only to give the illusion of a much larger female conservative online dating population then actually there happens to be. But I shouldn’t think that because that is cynical and mean and I am doing this in the spirit of optimism.
“Karina-33738” has plans! Her multiple-point-plan for healing all that is wrong in America is listed off in full in her profile! She is a detailed policy thinker, and you know I go for that, so let’s see… “5.) No foreign “students” over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don’t attend classes, they get a “D” and it’s back home baby.” That’s brilliant! Man, I always wanted to find a chick who knew, just like I did, that all foreigners are inherently evil! ” 7.) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don’t like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)” Because China and India don’t buy oil! GENIUS! But wait, she believes that all men are not created equal regardless of race, gender or nationality – but I bet she’s just being spunky about her ex-husband who knocked her up and left her to be a single mom! Because HE sure isn’t created equal! Two snaps in a circle for Karina-numbernumbernumbernumbernumber! She gets bookmarked.
“Kim-26626” states that “Antonin Scalia is MY IDOL!” Especially when he sang “Cryin'” by Tammy Wynette on Country Week, and Simon Cowell had to say “you know, Antonin, I had my doubts about you, but you’ve really stepped it up now.” Then Paula Abdul said something stupid, and Randy Jackson said Antonin was his dawg. But then she says “I like Bush 43, but he’s a bit too moderate…nevertheless, he was the better choice. So what do you think about a Guiliani – Rice ticket in 2008? You can never go wrong with an Italian!” Man, if she thinks Bush is too moderate, what’s she going to do when Rudy “pro-choice and dresses in drag” Guiliani shows up? I don’t think I could handle that drama. But on the other hand she says she really likes sex, which is good, because I’m getting the impression that a lot of these ladies want a wedding ring first. Mostly because they keep telling me that in their profiles.
“Phyllis-33105” looks like the Church Lady. She also says her favorite movie is “The Passion” (presumably “Of The Christ”) and that her favorite song is “Jesus! Get Your Praise On! God Bless America!” I Googled that and found this site, and I kinda wonder what “Holy Ghost Hop” on the Kids’ Favorites album sounds like, but then I realized that the man was making DEVIL FINGERS on his kids’ album cover and therefore, technically, is a false prophet. And did I mention she looks like the Church Lady? Because she really looks like the Church Lady.
…and that was basically it. There were only 156 ads for women between the ages of 27 and 35 on the site. In comparison, I tried multiple times to come up with a filter while searching for men that got me less than 500 hits (their maximum). I tried limiting it to a single birth year with different blends of conservatism, location, you name it – but still, always tons and tons of guys. So I think I’m not gonna go after conservative chicks. Because, man: talk about competition.