DEAR MR. PAUL LEVITZ:
1.) I demand you immediately reprint the following in hardcover collections with exactly the type of paper I like: Wild Dog, Lords of the Ultra-Realm, the “Injustice, Unlimited” arc in Infinity Inc. which had early Todd McFarlane art, every appearance of Stalker, and a Barbie Adventures Omnibus. If you do not reprint this material immediately, it will be obvious to all and sundry that you are totally unfit to run DC Comics.
2.) Related to my first question, I am unhappy with the gigantic Omnibus editions you have printed thus far because I have issues with the quality of paper you used. Please reprint these Omnibus editions with better paper. I have already spent a lot of money on them, but I will spend much more for ones with the proper paper! Also, please make more busts of your characters posing dramatically, and perhaps a statue of Wonder Woman bending over to wash Batman’s underwear.
3.) Since you once wrote Legion of Super-Heroes and I really liked it back when I was ten, it thus follows logically that nobody else can write Legion of Super-Heroes, especially that johnny-come-lately hack Jim Shooter. Please find time in your busy schedule to write this comic again, also returning the status quo of the title back to the way it was when I was young. I am sure this will create excitement among new readers for reasons upon which I will not elaborate.
4.) What do you think the future of comics is? Please keep your answer down to two sentences or less. No big words.
5.) BRING BACK HAWKMAN! The Hawkman I liked! Not this other Hawkman! I will not specify further, because you know what I mean and Hawkman’s appeal is obvious and undying.
(Worst actual quote from the comments: “I’m a big fan of Absolute Editions. For one thing they save me needing to go to a gym!” No, sir, they probably don’t. Go to a gym.)