SCENE: A STUDIO BIGWIG and his three JUNIOR EXECUTIVES sit at a table.
BIGWIG: All right. As you know, today is Number Two’s birthday. Do not giggle, Number One.
FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: …but… so funny…
THIRD JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Deep breaths. Come on.
BIGWIG: Yes. As it is his birthday, and I have an opening in my slate – don’t giggle, Number One –
BIGWIG: Ahem. As it is his birthday, we are going to allow him to pitch an idea wholly and entirely on his own, and after we work it through, we will make it. Are you ready, Two?
SECOND JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: I am pumped and primed and ready to go, sir.
BIGWIG: Good. Hit me.
SECOND: So there’s this whore –
THIRD: Oh, come on!
BIGWIG: Now, now, Three. We don’t interrupt. Remember your last birthday, we didn’t interrupt you, and what did you end up getting me to greenlight?
THIRD: Lars and the Real Girl.
BIGWIG: Do you remember how hard it was to keep Two from interrupting? So now you will be quiet. It is his turn.
SECOND: Thank you, sir.
BIGWIG: Not at all. Continue.
SECOND: So there’s this whore, and she’s turns twenty-seven, so she’s too worn out to be a quality prostitute like guys like.
BIGWIG: …is this a character detail, or…?
SECOND: Oh, no, no. This motivates the plot.
BIGWIG: Ah. And this is a drama, I take it?
SECOND: I was thinking wacky comedy.
THIRD: Oh –
BIGWIG: Ut! Not yet. Continue telling us about your wacky comedy.
SECOND: So our hooker needs a new job, so she becomes a den mother for a group of outcast girls at some good college somewhere.
BIGWIG: All right, that sounds –
SECOND: And she helps them become cool by teaching them how to act like whores.
The BIGWIG glances at THIRD.
BIGWIG: Oh, all right.
THIRD: Are you insane? That’s the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life!
FIRST: What about that time we had Joe Francis in here to talk about a fictionalized movie version of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? You were really offended then –
THIRD: Okay, second most offended.
FIRST: And then there was the time –
THIRD: Yes, yes, okay, look, this at least makes top ten.
SECOND: I haven’t even gotten to the subplot with the priggish evil den mother yet! Come on! I didn’t say anything when you told us about the movie with the sex dolls, and you know the movie would have been better with a six-doll orgy!
BIGWIG: This is a good point. The birthday pitch has to be given fair consideration. However, may I suggest a few changes?
SECOND: Of course.
BIGWIG: Instead of a prostitute, let us make her a Playboy Bunny.
FIRST: With floppy ears!
THIRD: Kind of.
FIRST: And we’ll give her some lettuce!
THIRD: Not that type of bunny.
BIGWIG: If she is a Playboy Bunny, we can get a pretty actress nearing thirty to play the lead and the fact that she is still pretty will underscore the comic aspects of her not being allowed to be a Playboy Bunny any longer.
FIRST: Maybe we can even get an actress over thirty!
BIGWIG: Don’t be stupid. We will also get a bunch of hot young actresses to play the outcast girls so that the heroine can make them into hot sexy Playboy Bunnies as well. It’ll be just like it was in She’s All That. They will wear glasses, then they will take off the glasses and become hot and sexy.
THIRD: And the rest of the plot?
BIGWIG: We keep it as is. We’ll introduce a love interest for the heroine so she can be reformed into polite society, of course.
SECOND: I thought she should remain a whore in my original notes, but I guess I can bend with it.
THIRD: Aren’t you concerned about the message this sends? That women can only be happy and popular if they’re pretty?
BIGWIG: Because I was so deeply concerned about the social message sent by four consecutive Steven Seagal action movies in my prime? Come on now.
THIRD: Sir, i seriously think a movie like this will backfire on us. There’ll be a social outcry.
BIGWIG: Repeat after me: “we’re just using the basic plot elements of Revenge of the Nerds, except that this time, the nerds are girls.” Anybody complains, we keep repeating that until they shut up. Now let’s go get this made.
FIRST: I can’t wait for my birthday. I have this idea where Batman fights Popeye in outer space.
All are silent.
BIGWIG: Work on it some more, kid.