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Zenrage said on May 6th, 2008 at 9:21 am

You lost me at Chow Yun-Fat being cool.

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Why does it seem utterly appropriate for Neo to drink from a juice box?

What about Jackie Chan? Surely Jackie Chan could drink for a juice box and still look cool. I mean, the man managed to make being a sloppy drunk look cool.

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Brad Reed said on May 6th, 2008 at 9:53 am

Drinking from a juicebox could become cool. The following stages of cool-ification would have to happen.

1. Adult dorks would continue to drink from them.
2. The self-proclaimed hipsters of the dork brigades would then proclaim juice-box drinking as “ironic,” “retro,” and a “quirky comment on consumer culture,” like collecting Pez dispensers or Yma Sumac LPs. Small independent movies will show adult characters drinking from juice boxes.
3. Juice-box drinking works its way up the hipster food chain until it reaches the fringes of the fashionable.
4. MTV and the like discover this and co-opt it as hard as it can. Everyone on “The Real World” starts drinking from juice boxes.

Critical mass would thereby be achieved, and juice boxes would go from childish to hip for years.

I don’t see it happening, but it could, yo. If “Speed Racer” can go from a stupid cartoon to quasi-hip to a big-budget stupid movie, nothing can be written off.

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You could have John Cusack lain across an entire flat of juice boxes, and his sexy would remain undiminished.

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I think the juicebox can be made to look cooler, and therefore ease the transition.

A) Abandon the primary color scheme for metallics.
B) Make them bigger.
C) Abandon the straw. Just rip the corner off and drink.

Also, how does this theory apply to those silver bags Capri-Sun comes in?

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karellan said on May 6th, 2008 at 10:26 am

“B) Make them bigger.”

This is actually the main reason I stopped drinking from them, regardless of how “kiddie” they are. Once I hit my teens, I could slug one down in about a swallow or two. That’s just not going to cut it.

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So, are you trying to say that you drink from juiceboxes? Because that’s where I thought this was going.

(That wasn’t meant as an insult. This just reminded me of a post you wrote a little while ago about Spaghettio’s or ketchup-flavored pasta or something.)

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malakim2099 said on May 6th, 2008 at 11:36 am

You know, if you had just shown Cusack with the juice box… I wouldn’t have thought it was photoshopped.

He probably has a fridge full of juice boxes at home. :)

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John Cusack makes juice boxes hot by association. Sorry.

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“A) Abandon the primary color scheme for metallics.
B) Make them bigger.
C) Abandon the straw. Just rip the corner off and drink.”

Man, whatever happened to Boku? I liked that stuff.

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Lloyd is even sexier now, as his sexiness always relied upon being utterly, irredeemably and unapologetically un-cool.

I put it to you thusly – can you seriously argue to me that Lloyd standing outside whatserface’s window holding his boombox blasting “In Your Eyes” would look any more ridiculous were he also holding a box of Mott’s All-Natural? I submit that he would not.

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I see you wussed out and failed to subject juice boxes to the ultimate test of putting one in the hands of Christian Bale.

Chicken.

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Joanna S. said on May 6th, 2008 at 5:34 pm

Lloyd Dobler is NEVER not sexy. The minute I see a photo of Cusack from that movie my naughty bits quiver. It’s a force unlike any other (yes, including THAT one).

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B) Make them bigger.
C) Abandon the straw. Just rip the corner off and drink.

I agree, basically this turns them into milk cartons.

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No power on Earth or beyond can make Lloyd Dobler not sexy.

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Your post title has me singing.
“It could be bunnies…”
(Though I must acknowledge my awareness that the lyrics are “I’ve got a theory”, not “I have a theory”. Thought association.)

I’m curious about what inspired this post.

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acabaca said on May 8th, 2008 at 4:09 pm

Well this is the second weirdest hangup I’ve seen.

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I know this is a minor tangent, but I think the argument that tetrapaks are more environmentally friendly than glass or plastic is a bit flawed. Yes, they are lighter, but they are damned near impossible to recycle.

The funny still stands, though. :-)

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I disagree. I drink from juiceboxes all the time, and I’m fucking awesome.

Ecto Cooler, man. Ecto Cooler.

Any liquid is better in box form.

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